I’m not sure if others think about the day they found they had herpes as their anniversary or not... Maybe it’s strange. But mine is fast approaching, and every day seems to be more painful. It’s only been a year and I’m sure to many it seems short. I struggle a lot with my thoughts about the future. I was always so independent, career focused, I still am. And I always said that marriage and family wasn’t for me, not until later, after I had achieved this or that goal. I see now how people say it’s different when it’s not a choice. That was my first thought when I contracted herpes, that I might not find someone to date me, marry me, have kids with me... I’ve dated one guy since, and I’ve realized that isn’t necessarily the case. Instead I worry about if he will get herpes from me, if he ever wonders if I tell the truth about what happened, if he thinks I’m disgusting, if he’d still be as proud of me if his friends knew about me. Almost like I don’t believe I’m enough. I have flashes of these thoughts at certain times, triggered by memories. Of the guy who did this to me. Every time I see a Harley, since that’s what he rode. Every time I drive by that downtown bar we went to the day before I found out he had given me herpes. The memories I hope will fade, into a forgiveness that is real. The judgement of myself I wish to mold into something stronger, a self acceptance of being enough. Of being myself, with herpes. Not without, not before. The strength gained from my experience I wouldn’t trade for anything. But now, I guard my vulnerable heart. And I search for healing.