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lively

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Everything posted by lively

  1. Good for you Brenda! In reading your posts over the past months, you have come so far in your journey. When you consider not only a healthy response to your disclosure, but also the upgrade in quality of men you are attracting, it's a big learning and healing curve. Thankyou for sharing so fully, it's so encouraging for the new arrivals, as we all were not so long ago. best wishes for the unfolding of the new situation x
  2. Lelani how beautiful, I'm so pleased for you and so in awe of your authenticity moment by moment with this man. You deserve every happiness this promises. It's hard to imagine a more lovely start to a new chapter post all the upset you have been through; or a more beautiful spirit for this to happen for. Much love, enjoy the unfolding of the beauty within that you have found, as well as the new connection. Like all of us, I wish you every success. Thankyou so much for reporting in such detail. It will make such a difference to those who have not yet found an accepting partner. Much love to you.
  3. Lelani I'm so excited about this for you! I've been online dating for 3 years now, have met some great guys, 4 in all, none right for the longterm, and one did say no thanks after disclosure, but all great guys who I was appreciative of meeting. I learned a lot from all of those relationships, most particularly how great a woman I am. My latest guy, who accepted H in seconds, and I are not going so well because of the distance, we have 8 hours, and his work, he's a farmer....has about half a day off a fortnight.....but nothing to do with H. I highly recommend online dating, it's great learning about life and men even before contact; and as Lelani says, you can do lots of sussing first. Be picky!! you deserve who you really want. One of the great things about online is that you meet men you would NEVER have met otherwise, especially the long distance ones, even if it's ultimately too hard. Have the best time Lelani, just meeting a special man is wonderful regardless of the outcome. Much love + big hug!
  4. Thankyou so much for sharing this Brenda. It so underlies the "opportunity" conversation Adrial has started. I am moved by what is unfolding in this community. If we learn to open to all of ourselves, to love ourselves however we are, to move beyond judgement about H, our capacity to embrace others as they are, and to move beyond judgement of other things is so expanded. Thankyou all for your wonderful sharing. The love in this community is palpable, remembering how I was when I first found it is humbling and real.
  5. Wow Whoopsi,, how wonderful. Congratulations on settling into your vulnerability and going about it the elegant way that you did....and so much chemistry between you, this is delicious. Every disclosure we make like this has us accept ourselves more, regardless of longterm outcome, + certainly shows that H just isn't that big a deal to some people....and they are the ones for us. Lelani I wish you well stepping forward. Just getting into flirting and enjoying the sexual dance is fun, way before any thought of disclosing is even relevant. I am so glad you are giving yourself that pleasure again.
  6. I feel so much for everyone in the early freaking out stage. I have had H for decades and have virtually no trouble now; + when I do it's my body going the H way to tell me something I need to know. For those of you still so upset and afraid, I cannot emphasize enough that all those emotions are already within your body, H just activates them and brings them to your attention. You will benefit so much from learning ways to heal and release old emotions stored in the body, and there are many ways to do this. As you heal those old emotions, almost magically, your body will turn down the volume on frequency, intensity and length of episodes. This really works. Talk with Adrial, do some googling on it, there's plenty to learn and it will stand you in good stead for life. This truly is your precious body trying to connect with you. Do the physical, diet, suppressants, whatever you need, however the big solution is in emotional healing. This has been my experience, and that of thousands of others with all sorts of ailments. Shame is the big one for H people, but of course there's others as well. Wishing you all well, and sending much love for your journey, Rosie
  7. Hello everyone, this so brings us back to earth on what is important. Yes our struggles with H do color our lives, but everything seems highlighted at Christmas; it does give pause for the bigger things. Wow Lelani, that's so much going on at once, no wonder your body has been showing signs of stress with episodes. You are so courageous, sharing your love and reminding us that we are human and all our feelings have their place. Seeing our friends deal with issues of life and death reminds me of how short our time here really is. Loving and accepting each other and loving and accepting ourselves and all our feelings about everything keeps us real and connected. You have all been such a great gift to me in my journey, I would never have emerged from the darkness without you. So let's celebrate together love and its place in all our lives, whatever is going on, whatever day of the year it is. I wish you all so much love, Big Love and little love and all kinds; and a healing sunny 2013.
  8. Hey there D, I felt sad reading your post. How could you have asked or told him to stop if you don't remember the event? It saddens me that we women have so little respect for our bodies that we allow these things to happen to us. The last thing I would feel is guilty about his health! He knowingly took the risk. Looking after your precious self is much more important I think. It's a big lesson for many of us of all genders, and there's no work more worthwhile, the quality of your whole life depends on it. Big hug to you, I would definitely re-evaluate this friendship if you have any thought that this guy is a friend. Alcohol isn't your friend either if you can't limit yourself to a level that allows you to make your own choices, and to protect yourself if with someone who doesn't respect those. There are pivotal moments in life where things move in a different direction afterwards. This may be one of yours, I hope you don't have to go through this again. Get some coaching, or google self love online , there are lots of great resources around now. Take care of your beautiful self.
  9. You know Carly, you don't know that he has herpes, and if he does, you don't know that he got it from you. If he was sexually aggressive with you, you can bet he has been with other women. You don't know this guy well, stop blaming yourself! if he's got something from pressuring you, perhaps there's something for him to learn; and for you, practice saying NO if you don't want it. Forgive me if I'm wrong, but sounds like you didn't want the activity that wasn't actually intercourse; it was still sex. If he didn't ask you about sexual history and STDs he is as responsible as you are. Why do you even care what he thinks if he 's the kind of man who pressures women sexually? Consider working on your self esteem and self respect, you may find a more considerate man. As this virus often is, it's a wake up call to start learning to love yourself and stop giving men the power of your sexual choice. Stop putting yourself n situations where you are not able to stand up for yourself. Be kind to yourself!
  10. Hi Miss08, I feel sad for you, this is such a difficult time for you. You are in overwhelm and panic, and although you may not fully get this, your emotional overload is part of why you and your body are so out of sync with each other. H demands that we heal our selves emotionally and then physical healing is possible. Please get yourself a product called Rescue Remedy. Any health shop or natural healing clinic will be able to tell you where to get it, if they cannot supply it themselves. This will help you heal the emotional panic, so then you and your body can begin to create peace physically. This is a big process as you know; if you take it on consciously as a pathway for growth and learning to love yourself, you can use it to bring about a much better and more loving state of your health and your life. It's not easy, yet it is the only real way forward for you. You are worth it, you can do this especially with all the help in this community. Hugs to you, deep breathe and let yourself feel hope x
  11. Domo honey I'm so proud of you for deleting that number too. Just let him go. Makes space for someone more worthy of you, and he will be a better match all round for you xx
  12. Also Domo, it's worth noting that this first "rejection" is actually a major milestone in your own coming to terms with H. Once you get over your hurt and disappointment, and you will, you will know that you can survive this and use it to grow stronger and to love yourself more. You'll become more confident and fearless in disclosure. Remember the win in disclosure is your honor integrity and vulnerability, you cannot control the response of another. So the next disclosure will be easier, regardless of the outcome. So be v gentle and kind with yourself, and know that you have made great progress towards the kind of relationship you want, both with yourself and with a man worthy of you. x
  13. Hey Domo listen to those wise women! I know it particularly hurts to be rejected when it's the first guy you've met for ages who really stirs your interest and it seems to be mutual. I went through this myself earlier in the year. This one sounds self centred to say the least. He may have been deeply disappointed, all sorts of stuff could have had him be so cold, but it's irrelevant to how he behaved. A basic requirement for a relationship of any value is that each holds the other's feelings and wellbeing as at least as important as their own, and he failed you in such a vulnerable moment. Take heart. If there's one guy out there who you feel is special, there is more than one. Keep working on your self esteem and your body acceptance, keep connecting with this community. You are on your way towards full acceptance. Big hug to you x
  14. Hi all, this isn't totally natural but have to tell you as it's been so great: I got the idea to try this from another forum: Nappy rash cream! V fast healing, it's the high level of zinc in it I think. Try it, if it's safe for babies (well that could be debatable depending on your standards ...) but it works v fast on H episodes. So while not so natural, it's v convenient.
  15. Great work Pepper. Lots to learn from this situation. It's useful to know your boundaries before you get into a situation where you are not in charge of yourself. If you know you find it hard to speak up once it's obvious that the guy is assuming sex will happen, you need to state your boundaries early. No harm in progressing slowly to sex, it's often more connected that way....that's how most women prefer it. I know we have been trained to put everyone else's needs before ours, but that is changing....and you can change your part of it. You may find you are happier with yourself and becoming more confident with stating your needs to men. Only way for the relationship to be equal and to give the guy a chance to take care of you in the way he will want to, if he's worthy of you. I can hear the relief in your post!
  16. oh isn't that wonderful! thankyou for bringing it to our attention. I'm betting adventurous men get the odd std too :-)
  17. Oh Virgo Girl, so excitement! congratulations, so happy for you. All the work you did with your emotions beforehand is what made it so clear for you at the time. Another wonderful thing is that however this lovely new relationship goes, it will NEVER be so hard again for you to disclose. I'm so delighted for you. Your journey will be so valuable to others on this forum too, best wishes for the relationship. Have been thinking about you over the weekend, (we are a day ahead in Australia).... I hope you are celebrating!
  18. Ok Virgo Girl, we stand with you. All will be well no matter what. Either way you are amazing and you move forward. big love to you x
  19. That's your call. I'm a great believer in the golden rule: if your positions were reversed, would you be upset with a phone call rather than in person? As I believe in sexual polarity, I would wait for him to arrange the next date, accept it, and tell him there is something you would like to discuss with him. You could tell him you want to do this before you go out, so if he comes to your place or a coffee shop near you, you can chat before the date. That way if he does want to withdraw to consider, or outright says he can't accept it, you are comfortable near home, and he has an easy exit. Better than being halfway through dinner! I would make sure there is a dedicated time for it. Having said that, my last disclosure took 5 minutes max, and was over and accepted and he was talking about something else while my mind was still getting the stats ready! So you need to prepare for the talk in a way that covers both angles: that works if it goes well, and also if it doesn't. Just my 2c worth. Also remember that if he says No thanks, he is STILL a great guy! He is entitled to choose whatever is authentic for him....and YOU will be fine, no matter what. Keep asking for support here.
  20. Oh Adrial, I love that you mentioned " a less war-like analogy"......now I have something to write my guest post on! Have been finding it hard to settle on something I have to say that's useful and not already said here. It's easy for me to respond to others' posts, not so easy to start a post from scratch. Expect soon!
  21. Virgo Girl you need to talk to him now. He has been honest and vulnerable with you, to have any relationship of value, you need to be willing to be the same. There's still no need to rush into sex just because you have strong attraction. Does he meet everything you want in a man? no harm taking the time to find out before you have sex. However you are both getting involved emotionally and so it's now unfair to hold out, he has a right to know and you are simply procrastinating on the inevitable. We all have to accept that we cannot control the response of others. Your win will be that you told the truth with integrity and honoring of him and his health and his right to make his own choice. I got caught on this myself, so I am very clear about it and wish someone had pointed it out to me. You have an illusion that putting it off will magically allow you to come up with some way of controlling his response. It won't. However there is a powerful mindset to disclose herpes from, plus lots of less powerful ones. You must genuinely believe that herpes is a harmless skin condition, you must transcend your own shame or you will communicate that to him. Get clear on your stats, esp the 80% cold sore stat; the 1% chance per year of catching it if both condoms and meds are used; + especially the fact that you are disclosing now to protect his health, his right to choose, and the emotional peace of both of you. If you leave it any longer, now that he has indicated willingness to wait, use condoms and be exclusive with you, he may well feel manipulated. If you cannot be peaceful about disclosing next time you see him, you must call Adrial for a coaching session immediately. It's too important for your self esteem to do anything else. You also need to make yourself okay no matter what his reaction is. If there's one guy like that for you, there are more than one. Let go of thinking he's the only man who could ever love you; there are plenty! Whatever happens here, you will learn a lot. Be willing to value your learning over control, and you will be fine. Be willing to let him walk away if he chooses, and to thank him for showing you that you are still beautiful. Then you can open your heart to acceptance as a possibility with the next great guy you meet. Big hug and best wishes to you Virgo Girl. Let us know how it goes.
  22. Ok, don't know how we get email addresses to each other privately. Adrial?? am in a rush now, on a training program, can follow up later. Glad to have a buddy!
  23. Happy to be your H buddy if you can deal with email, I'm in Australia. x
  24. Hi again Domo, I'm glad my post was useful. You know, I'm having some thoughts on another pathway from the one we've discussed so far. There are patterns in sexual interactions that are common. The pattern of man interested in sex and nothing else + woman who is the same, +/- self esteem issues is one of these common ones; they have sex; man ignores woman after that as he has succeeded in gaining what he wanted + also may not want to lead the woman on in allowing her to assume he wants anything else; woman feels slighted but has lost power if she perceives that she has, as she no longer has novelty sexual value. This is really important for you to get Domo. It's extremely common, and some would say, normal for any straight male. These are not bad guys! they just want what they are wired to want, don't communicate as women do because they are men, so their way of saying, Thanks, that's it, don't want anything more, don't try to make me your boyfriend, is to keep distance. He may not have lost any respect for you or liking as a co worker, but he is communicating that he wants distance. Don't take this personally, it's how men behave unless they become v conscious. While we women may not like it, I do think it's normal given how men are wired re communication. This is not necessarily a sign of a man who intends to hurt you. However it does suggest he's a busy guy on the sexual circuit! No guy calls a woman at 2am with "what are you doing?" who doesn't expect to get laid out of it, any guy with insecurity issues wouldn't risk the rejection. So you can bet he's pretty good at seduction. You know yourself you wouldn't have gone to just any guy's house at 2am on a short notice invitation. He's got that IT factor and he knows it. So good luck to him, YOU need to learn how to take care of yourself. I'm thinking he's been with many many women, doesn't think he needs to be concerned about sexual health if he uses a condom, maybe doesn't even use one if the woman doesn't request it. So there's no doubt he's been exposed and may be a carrier of H. May even know he is. So now you have another thing to deal with. I totally get your vulnerability with this guy, especially as you've had sex with him, sounds like all on his terms, and now you will run into him at work. I am thinking you need to think v carefully about disclosing to him. I no longer think it's necessarily in your best interests. There's clearly a lot for you to learn in this interaction, and it's not all about disclosure. There are 2 elements of vulnerability for you here; one being your emotional state around him and the self esteem issues; secondly your concern about public knowledge of your H status. You may feel a responsibility to educate this guy too, we generally take that on around the H Opp. However think this through. There may be no advantage to you in doing this, and considerable disadvantage. This is one of those moments when only you know where you true integrity lies. If you are feeling AT ALL used by this guy, you must take full responsibility for allowing it, in full knowledge of his agenda. If you are still upset about that, then thank him (mentally!) for bringing it so loudly to your attention that you now know you have issues to work with, and can no longer stay in denial about that. With respect to H. you could have a little chat with him about the risk you both took in not talking about it. You could even say something like, " I was reading the other day about how H can be passed on even with a condom. Did you know that? " you could have a chat about that without necessarily putting your private business out for possible public consumption here. I'm interested in what others think about this as an integrity issue. If you are not ready to come out of the cupboard publicly, and at your workplace, I'm not at all sure that disclosure to this guy, who clearly has his own agenda which does not include taking care of you, is your best choice. So no need to act in a hurry, this is important for your selfworth to look at from all angles. Other regular posters, please let us know your thoughts about this. Best to you Domo, big sister cyberhug to you xx
  25. Hey Domo, I can understand your upset! We can miss sex so much that when the opportunity comes, disclosing is the last thing we want to think about. Once things get hot and heavy, we are not thinking straight; and given your post above, I don't know if you have disclosed to anyone yet, that first disclosure may be a hurdle you are still facing. I also understand that you may be concerned about having your H status become general knowledge at work, something most of us would prefer to avoid unless our direct choice. So, first thing, get off your back! Initiating the sexual health conversation is an equal responsibility. If he has had sex with more than 4 people, statistically he has been exposed to it. He's not too concerned if he didn't ask. So one way you could approach this is "hey we got so hot so fast we overlooked something important. I didn't check in with you on sexual health, and you didn't check in with me." No need to victimise yourself by being the bad guy here, you both stuffed up. Let him have his response to that, it will give you some indication of where he is with it. Then you can share your news: along with Valtrex, condom etc. My doc reckons Valtrex takes a week to work so you're covered. So his chances of contracting it from you are likely to be 10% (shedding time) x .5 for the Valtrex = 5% if your sites of sores at any stage are outside condom territory, or half again if they are not. No guarantees, just what's likely. It's useful to have some numbers, but also remember the likelihood of exposure, and that 80% of carriers have no idea. Share the responsibility, do not allow him to belittle you in ANY way, take the position of clarification and education, not apology or self belittling. He is as responsible as you are for avoiding the conversation. Then as always, you will do best in caring for yourself if you are ok with whatever response he has. If you need to, practise your conversation in front of a mirror: this is often more useful than even practising with a friend, you may want to do both. It's will be a big growth experience for you, Domo. Adrial is right, the guilt you are feeling is a healthy sign to some extent, but not to beat yourself up with it forever, and not if self criticism is high on your automatic reactions list. You could preface the whole conversation with requesting confidentiality if you want, I think I would do that too, and that you care about his health and wellbeing otherwise you could continue to avoid the conversation. Another couple of thoughts I had that may be useful: it's not normal to bleed from intercourse even if you haven't had it for a long time, unless it's part of your cycle-in which case intercourse would be irrelevant. So I'm wondering if you got to intercourse before your body was ready: higher chance of broken skin then, and lower chance of pleasure for you. Just worth noting. Secondly it's your choice entirely, and being called at 2am for a sex call generally doesn't do much for a woman's self esteem. Both the guy who passed the virus to you, and this one, you mention there's just 'fooling around', for want of a better term, there's no clear demonstration of interest or valuing of you as a person aside from your sexual availability. If you have any self esteem issues, I would lovingly encourage you to work on these first before you get sexual again with a guy. We women are wired to be emotional about sex, it's just how our bodies and nervous systems are. Doesn't mean you can't have a casual thing, but for most of us it takes a lot of maturity to enjoy casual sex without some emotional management. So take this if useful, toss out if not. No judgement here, casual sex and I are not strangers! ......however self esteem is v important for all of life, so love yourself first. Keep us posted Domo. Give yourself some love for acknowledging the guilt, then let it go. It's fulfilled its purpose. You know what you need to do next, that's its only purpose. Let go of any self denigration, remember it was an equal responsibility, and do the work so that you never have to deal with this situation again. Much love to you.
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