jma031964

@22&Depressed I will be probably have my diacussion with her next weekend and I am terrified. We have been together for several months. I’m happy to help you any way I can.

Why rush into disclosing until the two of you get to know one another better? You can spend more time together, allow him to get know YOU, the person. If you aren’t putting him at risk, why rush into anything?

Thank for your insight. I was diagnosed with HSV 29 years ago. I have disclosed 5 times in those 29 years with no rejection, but I have similar thoughts as you. I now believe that I had a tendency to settle based on my partners willingness to accept my HSV status. I have been married twice...one of 15 years and the other of 3 years and believe both failed because the relationships were a perfect fit for either of us. I, too, have experienced the overwhelming guilt and giving a partner HSV, despite disclosing and taking precautions. It’s brutal and I feel the same. Now I find myself in a relationship of several months with a long time friend of over 40 years. Yes....I said that correctly. We have not done anything to put her at risk and I have not disclosed yet but need to very soon. She is perfect for me in every way and we do love each other very much, but it’s the fear of rejection and the loss of a relationship and friendship that is consuming me. I have not had an episode in over 7-8 years and have been on daily suppressive forever. I know transmission rates are very low based on how long I have had HSV, asymptomatic, on daily suppressive therapy, but wow I’m a mess about the disclosure and have been for months.

If you have oral HSV1, the only possible concern is that you performed oral on her. My two cents....is to let her know that you have gotten cold sores in the past and going forward, you should use protection if you choose to do oral sex again even if you have no outbreak....for her protection. How is she doing now? Any signs of issues for her?

As I sit here waiting to board my flight, I constantly think about my upcoming disclosure to a woman I have grown to love on a completely different level over the past several months. I have known her for over 40 years and we have had a close friendship for most of those years. Over the past several months, I think I truly learned what true love is, where that love has grown without the physical intimacy, which is pretty special. However, to continue building on the trusting and honest relationship we have built, I now have to risk it all....a loving relationship and friendship. In my head, I know this virus has ruled my approach to relationships for the past 29 years and it has caused me to settle into relationships based on my partner’s acceptance of my HSV status. This is truly the first relationship where I am fearful of losing someone that I absolutely adore. I really don’t know how I will react or manage the potential of a rejection. This one is just so different than anything I have ever experienced....she is truly the love of my life! So....even though I have always remained positive, have experienced acceptance 5 times over the past 29 years, I honestly have to say that this virus is a big deal at this very point in my life. I’ve waited my whole life for someone like her. We both have traveled some windy roads to find each other and I believe her feelings for me are the same as mine for her. And now....here we are. I know what to say, but often times feel like I’m selling the point that this virus can be minimized, precautions can be taken to prevent transmission, and that I’m more than this virus. But the fact is, I could lose her in two weeks once she returns from vacation with her daughter. YOU!!! ALWAYS!!!.....these are two words we say to each other often. And now I’m scared to death.

@regularguy Good morning. I have gone back and read your initial comment regarding my situation and the fact that I have not disclosed in a relationship of over 7 months. I just want you and everyone to understand that I have never and would never have sexual intimacy with anyone without disclosing. I have disclosed to all my partners in the past prior to sexual contact that would put them at risk. Now, with my current relationship, I have spoken to others regarding how I am not quite sure about my approach and length of time my current partner and I have been together. Some feel that waiting is a great idea and the only reason to disclose is when you are ready to move to a more intimate level. For two friends that have known each other for so many years, taking the next step to sexual intimacy (sexual intercourse) is a huge step in our relationship that could be a path of no return if our relationship does not work out like we hope. Losing a friendship and what we have had for so many years is a risk we both decided to take so off on this journey we went. I do believe that our relationship has moved to a point where we love each other much differently now. In prior relationships, I always felt like I was forced to disclose before truly knowing that person intimately. Then, once that person accepted my disclosure, I did everything in my power to stay with that person even if deep down, I knew that the relationship was not quite what it was supposed to be. Basically, I found myself settling as a result of the acceptance and truly believe it resulted in two failed marriages....one of 15 years and another of 3+ years. I don't want that again. My partner and I have grown to really "know" each other on a different level without sex in the picture. In a sense, I think that is pretty special. When she says that "I get her better than anyone" makes me feel like waiting to disclose is not a horrible idea in a relationship. I am not hiding anything or lying about anything...there is no pressure to be more intimate than we are or have been. Yes, I will be disclosing to her and it will take place very soon. I just wanted to make sure that this is not coming only from a point of fear of rejection but one that I hope will allow us as a couple to handle the disclosure in a better way. Thank you for the support you have given to everyone in this community.

Great communication and I wanted to check for opinions on my situation. I have been dating a dear, close friend of mine for 7 months. We have taken our relationship very slowly since we really wanted to get to know each other at a whole different level. We have not been intimate whereas it would not put her at risk. However, I have not disclosed to her yet and it has been 7 months. I have received various opinions that you should disclose early on, as well as those that state it's great that you have waited and if you are not intimate (i.e. sexual intercourse or skin to skin contact ), there is no reason to disclose until you feel the time is right to take intimacy to the next level. I do believe it is time to disclose very soon...we have jointly expressed love for one another, but boy, am I fearful of her reaction. I have had HSV for 29 years and have disclosed to 4-5 partners with positive results, but this is so different due to our lifelong friendship of almost 42 years. I have never and would ever put anyone at risk by not disclosing....not how I operate. Looking for thoughts and insight....thanks everyone.

@newreality I wanted to check back with you for your opinion on my situation and thought that it might help @lilly82 as well. I have been dating a dear, close friend of mine for 7 months. We have taken our relationship very slowly since we really wanted to get to know each other at a whole different level. We have not been intimate whereas it would not put her at risk. However, I have not disclosed to her yet and it has been 7 months. I have received various opinions that you disclose early on, as well as those that state it's great that you have waited and if you are not intimate (i.e. sexual intercourse or skin to skin contact ), there is no reason to disclose until you feel the time is right to take intimacy to the next level. I do believe it is time to disclose...we have jointly expressed love for one another, but boy, am I fearful of her reaction. I have had HSV for 29 years and have disclosed to 4-5 partners with positive results, but this is so different due to our lifelong friendship of almost 42 years.

@newreality Thank you and great information. Not sure if I mentioned, but I was diagnosed 29 years ago and have not had an outbreak of even the smallest kind in 6+ years.

On the percentages, through research with University of Washington website and other sound resources, if you take daily suppressive therapy (Valacyclovir - 500mg daily), that it can cut your transmission rates even lower than the 5% with many saying it is in the 1-2% range. Condom usage will and could reduce that another 30-50% depending on the study. @newreality Could you help me understand the transmission better based on what you shared? Thank you and best of luck @lilly82!

Can this still be done the right way to her and not like I have mislead her in any way?

I understand completely and agree 100%. My plan is to have our talk after Mother’s Day since since we have a family function that day. Obviously, I don’t want to put any kind of damper on this weekend for her. It will get done...I’ve made that decision. Thank you.

@regularguy I have only been on this site for almost 2 months. I am still dating the same person but have still not disclosed. The anxiety is so high that she is going to run for the hills. We still have done nothing to put her at risk and the more research I have done, the anxiety continues to climb. As I mentioned before, I have successfully disclosed in the past but this feels so different. Looking for more insight. I’ve lived with this for 29 years and have never felt this way before.

@mdv123 It's never an issue to listen to others' opinions on the matter. My situation is slightly different and not like the normal dating scenario. I have been friends with her for over 30 years and we have taken things slow to ensure that things will work out for us at a whole new level. We have not been intimate, but have done the light petting, kissing, etc... We have reached a point in our relationship that I think we might be both ready to move to the next level of intimacy so that's why I was asking. My goal is truly get to know a person and actually establish a connection prior to getting physically intimate. Perhaps it's my age of 54 years old that takes me there.

Hi everyone...I have noticed a trend that many people are disclosing very early into dating. I, on the other hand, have always taken the approach that let's get to know one another to see if there is a connection outside of physical intimacy. I have waited 3, 4, 5 months to disclose. At this point, I have not received any negative responses. I am currently having the anxiety of disclosing to someone that is very special and we have developed a great connection. We have been together 5 months and I think it is now time for the talk. Is this a misleading approach?

I'll jump into this, being a guy, who 29 years ago was diagnosed with HSV. I am always interested in a female point of view. I have been dating someone that I have known for a very long time and we just approached 5 months of dating. We have not been intimate and I am in the process of disclosing to her since I feel we are to the point that intimacy is a very strong possibility as our next step in the relationship. We have really taken our time to get to truly know one another very differently than we have know each other before. We've developed a very strong emotional connection, have both said that we love one another and have become very close. It is time to disclose and hopefully the reaction will be a positive one. How do you feel about my timing and interested what your reaction would be prior to being diagnosed with HSV. I have disclosed to 5 others and have received a positive outcome, but she is very cautious and she was in a marriage for 18 years whereas her previous spouse was unfaithful multiple times.

@birdsandbutterflies I'm sorry I should have shared. I seriously have had may be one outbreak in the past 4-8 years so outbreaks are under control at this stage.

@birdsandbutterflies What type? Another interesting tidbit. I contracted HSV orally when I was 25 years old and all the doctors diagnosed HSV1. I had a blood test this past summer and wanted to just make sure on all fronts if that was correct. I was positive for both HSV1 and HSV2. And the hits keep on coming even after 29 years!

I am in the process of a 5 month relationship with someone who I have been friends with for well over 30 years. We both have been married twice previously. It is almost time for the disclosure conversation and I know that I have to be honest about my previous relationships and how unfortunately, both contracted HSV from me. I was married to my first wife for 13 years and have a beautiful 14 year old daughter. Prior to any intimacy (early 90's), I shared with her my story and that I was HSV positive and that it was important that she knew the risks going into the relationship. At that time, there wasn't as much information on HSV and the Internet was really not available for additional research. We used a condom for our first intimate experience and I had no signs of an outbreak and nothing visible. And....would'n't you know it, she contracted HSV after our first intimate experience. I was crushed that this happened, but we stayed together, married and unfortunately divorced in 2005. I was in a couple of long term relationships since and each time, I had the disclosure conversation. I took anti-viral for suppression and neither of those two relationships resulted in transmitting HSV to those partners. In 2012, I connected with a person I knew for some time. We dated for 2 years, I had the disclosure conversation with her as well prior to any intimacy. During our relationship, I used suppressive therapy and always used a condom until she requested that we not use one despite knowing the risks associated with that. Condoms made her uncomfortable and caused irritation for her. I was taking other medication during our marriage for stress/anxiety related stuff as a result of a highly stressful career in sales. In 2016, my wife asked that I try to not to take any medication since she was not a fan and thought I could address in other ways via more exercise, running (which I am now an avid runner), etc. We had a miscommunication in that I thought she meant to gradually work my way off all medication, including my suppressive therapy. She had tested previously that she was exposed to HSV1 since her family had common condition with oral cold sores, but never had any outbreaks herself. I never completely stopped the suppressive therapy but was probably reducing my dosage to every other day then increased the number of days between my daily dosage. That only lasted for 2 months then I went back on the normal daily dosage after we discovered our miscommunication. Move to 2016 and our marriage did not work out for a number reasons. After our divorce was final, she called to notify me that she had tested positive for HSV, was not at all happy and blamed my reduced dosage intake over those two months. We had minimal intimacy during that time with no outbreaks. I think I experienced one minor outbreak in our 4 plus year relationship and that was during our first year together. We were not intimate during that time. But again, I was crushed that this happened. Long story short, passing this to two partners has had a huge impact on me emotionally and has actually made feel worse when I contracted HSV myself. Now, I need to disclose and I know the question about past partners will arise. I've had HSV for 29 years and have been honest and forthright with everyone prior to any intimate experiences. This will make my disclosure conversation more complicated and not sure how it will turn out. Looking for thoughts and advice.

I have lived with H for 28 years and contracted it with my then current partner via oral sex when she had the early makings of a cold sore. It would be great to get a female's perspective and their thoughts on timing of disclosure and their initial reaction to learning of their partner living with HSV and how it would impact them.

@RegularGuy Thank you for your thoughts. My fear is that she will think I have waited too long to tell her. I just wanted to make sure we got to really know one another on a different level than our long time friendship. We are at a point of taking our relationship to another level and really want to eliminate the elephant in the room that tends to hang over my head. I have had 4 successful disclosures in the past. I don't want to lose this one...she's a real keeper! The unknown that is out there when disclosing is what is causing the anxiety.

@wcsdancer2010 Thank you for great points in work through the disclosure discussion. I am in the process of of disclosing after 4 months of dating and want to make sure I have the best information I can to share with her. Could you provide more details or access to the right information / handouts for instance?

Hi everyone. I have been in a 4 month relationship with someone who I have known for 30 years. I think we are at the step where the relationship could move to one of intimacy. I am having a real struggle with disclosing my HSV1 situation to her thinking that I have waited too long to tell her and what her reaction might be. Now, we have not been intimate but have shown affection towards one another with kissing and light petting, but nothing at all that has approached intimacy. Because we have known each other for so long, we have told each other that we love each other which is wonderful. I clearly see a long term relationship, but I fear that I should have mentioned earlier in our relationship. Also, we have both been divorced twice and my first wife of 15 years contracted HSV from me despite taking precautions. I know that will come up as well and I want to be honest and forthcoming on all fronts. I have had the disclosure conversation with 4 relationships since I was diagnosed when I was 25 years old and all have been accepting. I am now 54. For some reason, this conversation seems different. Looking for insight. Thank you.