NewReality

I'm sorry to hear that. :( At least you don't have to ask yourself "what if".

To be fair, I don't think anyone is excited to try and catch an STD. It really depends on what you're looking out of that relationship (and how long you've been dating), but you may not be being fair to yourself or even him if that's the reason you split. If you're still new to the whole thing, I'd suggest understanding what you have first and then maybe have a conversation if you want to see if things can still work. I actually disclosed to one of my female friends (who is in the medical field) when I was catching up with her and her reaction was it's not really a big deal at all. So many people have it and most people can manage it pretty well and there is a small chance of transmitting it if you're safe.

Honestly, I've never really understood why HSV2 would be considered "the bad one". I'm not trying to say one is much better then the other, but at least with HSV2 it's more private and you really don't have to worry about spreading it to people you're not sleeping with. An interesting exercise I did with myself, "Would you rather" and HSV2 was the better option nearly every time. I don't want to go into too much detail in order to not make me seem like a judgmental person, but some of the thing I compared were being 2 inches shorter (height that is! lol), less athletic, less intelligent, enjoyable career, and more serious medical issues. You likely won't get over it overnight, but you'll get over it as soon as you realize it's not a big deal in the grand scheme of things. I'm not really a big believer in everything happens for a reason, but rather you are in control of how you handle situations and it's up to your how they impact you.

You're right, there is a lot of info out there and it can be difficult to sort through. However, in regards to the first 12 months of being the most likely to spread HSV2 that appears to be true. The body is still building up a lot of anti-bodies at this point. In some cases, people have numerous outbreaks during their first year and it gets significantly better afterwards because the body is more adjusted to it. The safest way to continue a sexual relationship is to have in take a daily anti-viral and use condoms. This really limits the transmission percentage to about 2.5% annually (studies differ slightly). If you're not that concerned about transmission and really don't like condoms, having him take the anti-viral puts transmission at about 5% annually.

I actually had some push back (I'm in the US) about suppression therapy as well since I'm asymptomatic and there was a bigger concern of the long-term effect of the medication. HSV is the less of the concern between the two. However, we eventually concluded that I could get a prescription at least for the short term.

First off, sorry you're going through this ordeal and hopefully I can offer some support. Yes, you can be positive for HSV and I have no idea. In fact 85% of the people who have it have no idea (at least when it comes to HSV2). For me personally, I would have never known if I didn't specifically order the test myself to get a clean bill of health on paper. Oops, I was surprised as I've never had any symptoms. My educated guess is that I've had it at least 3 years if not longer. As far as the index values, it doesn't tell you exactly when you contracted it, but generally speaking it's an amount of the antibody the test was able to detect. The higher the value the more of the anti-body detected. Given that your number is on the high end, it's likely you've had it multiple years. I think my last test was about a 7.5 for HSV2. The toughest part of this is the stigma by far. In fact, from a medical stand point it's not really a big deal. This is why the CDC and physicians don't recommend testing for it unless there are symptoms. 80% of HSV is spread by people who don't know they have it so you're not alone in this situation. For arguments sake, is he sure he never had it prior to knowing you? Most people don't know it... I'd be in the same boat as you if by luck I didn't decide to opt for the full 10 panel STD test. Hope this helps.

You're welcome and that's awesome @jma031964 ! @Lilly82 You can only do what you can, but at least with disclosing he knows you're a trustful person. You win points that way. Dating is tough regardless. None the less, it's just one aspect in the totality that is you. If he doesn't accept it, there will be someone who will as long as you don't lose confidence in your own value. Anyway, good luck!

Sure @jma031964. Keep in the mind the percentages will fluctuate slightly depending on your source, but generally this is the commonly accepted percentages. This also assumes you avoid sex during outbreaks as that's when the virus is most contagious. Au Nature (No Condom or Anti-Viral) Female to Male is about 8% transfer rate Male to Female is about 10% transfer rate Use of a Condom or Anti-Viral (50% reduction) Female to Male is about 4% transfer rate Male to Female is about 5% transfer rate Use of a Condom and Anti-Viral (50% reduction) Female to Male is about 2% transfer rate Male to Female is about 2.5% transfer rate Another important thing to note that this is an annual percentage. Therefore it doesn't mean if you have sex there is a 2 or 2.5% chance your partner will catch HSV each time. This is an annual number and that's a great thing. Statistically speaking, it would be about a 1/20,000 chance of each time you have sex. So really low, but the risk always exists. A good way to phrase this (from an infected male perspective), if I was to have sex with 50 people for a year regularly (2x a week) 1 or 2 women would likely catch HSV. I assume most won't be sleeping with 50 people regularly for a year... Additionally, things to note is that people are generally more contagious in the first 3 months of contracting HSV and as you build up antibodies there have been studies to show that asymptomatic shedding is few (in addition to outbreaks being fewer and far between). @Lilly82, this may be useful info for you too.

Correct, it is not a 5% chance time every time you have sex. It's closer to a 1/2000 chance each time you have sex statistically speaking. Also, studies vary, but female to male with using an anti-viral is about 2% (assumes no condom). It's easier for a female to contract the virus. Another thing to note, these studies assume 2 sex acts a week..so assuming 2 - 5% is probably pretty accurate for you. Overall the risk is pretty low if you're careful but unfortunately you can't eliminate at this time.

I really appreciate your view point and that you aren't in denial about his actions. They sucked and he had every opportunity to bring it up. You even had specific conversations on the topic with him. You seem like an intelligent and confident person, I'm sure you'll make the best decision for yourself once the dust settles. I just feel bad that you found out the way you did. In my case, I'm not necessarily sure who to be mad at. Maybe that made it easier for me and it didn't seem worth questioning people who I would hope didn't know they had it. Also, I'm still holding out that the lab technician running my results just screwed up as not having symptoms and only a number on a test makes me skeptical, but oh well. Anyway, good luck and I hope talking about any of this has been beneficial for you.

Just to be clear, when you're reviewing percentages...he understand it's an annual number, right? So it's not if you have sex 20 times he will likely get it. It's more like if you have sex with 20 guys regularly for a year, 1 person will likely contract it. Also have you thought about taking the anti-viral as that will cut down the percentage even more? At least until he's more comfortable with the idea and is willing to make a longer term investment in you. ....and if you're together for 10 years, it's a 50/50 chance you'll have it. My opinion, if I'm with someone for 10 years that will probably be a minor detail of your relationship at that point. However, there is that small chance...and I think that's what scares people and unfortunately they have that right. You could also offer to just take things slow to allow him to find out more about you.

Hey @SoManyQuestions18, I completely understand your thought or at least your reaction is what I would expect of someone. I was recently diagnosed with HSV2 like a month ago (asymptomatic and it was a huge surprise to me). This is the exact reason why I want to disclose. I don't want someone to feel the way you do and doubt so many other aspects of a relationship. It just isn't worth the headache. Given that you're already in the situation, I think it's more of a relationship issue versus an HSV issue. You need to decide if this is someone you really can trust given the alleged magnitude (at least social stigma wise) of what was hidden. The HSV issue can be managed for the most part and if you did contract it, it's a moot point worrying about it. And @Lifegoesonn, "That’s the thing with men they do not care smh". Your generalization is disrespectful...similar to how people genarlize about HSV. Grow up.

Haha, funny. It would be only weird if you didn't have any reaction at all since it's so new. :) As far as myself, I'm doing pretty well. I still read a lot about HSV...I think mostly just out of curiosity. I can be kind of a nerd like that sometimes. However, I haven't had the chance to have a fun "disclosure talk", but I did end things with a girl after two dates given she drove me a little crazy. I guess by that, I mean I don't feel like any less of a person with my my HSV2 results. I still want what I want and I think I can talk confidently enough that a future partner won't immediately run away, lol. Good luck w/ everything!

Hey, I know the feeling. I think my results came in like 4 weeks or so ago. I don't really remember. Anyway it totally blindsided me as I didn't even have symptoms. None the less, I was able to get over it pretty quickly as I did a lot of research to figure out exactly what just happened and what I should be prepared for. Medically speaking, it's just not a big deal. Sometimes (and seemingly in your case) the first outbreak is the worst and often you are able to get this under control with medication if it doesn't correct itself on it's own (similar to your boyfriend who rarely gets cold sores). Overall, being healthy and trying not to stress is the best. There is a lot of info out there regarding diets (specifically what food to eat and not), but there is nothing out there that is scientifically proven. Perhaps more of a placebo effect... the power of the mind. One item that I do subscribe to is taking vitamin C pills to boost your immunity. I personally already did that prior to my lab results though. The best advice is to exercise regularly, eat healthy meals, and try not to stress. This applies to everyone whether or not they have an HSV diagnosis. Finally, it gets better. You're just going through the scariest part. Not having all the answers is tough, but if you choose to read up on it you'll realize you're going to be fine. Hope this helps!

My thoughts, you definitely have the right to feel like you were betrayed and she should have told you long ago. It's also natural to wonder what else you don't know. However, it seems her intention was out of fear of losing you versus something more malicious. This can be very hard for some people, but it's still not an excuse. Personally, I believe in disclosure for this exact reason. I don't want a significant other to doubt me in the future and wonder what else I'm hiding and question, "do I really know this person?" I agree that with your thought on needing to determine if you're willing to accept her deceit. If you can't the problem will manifest itself in other ways and ultimately remain a problem in your relationship. My recommendation would be if you truly like her and want to make it work, make her have a real conversation with you and ensure she understands why it's a point of discussion and you want to use this as an opportunity for her to be more honest in the future and if so, you'll give her a pass. Important, you really do need to give her a pass and not use it as a point of contention in the future. On another note, your description of her being so independent and therefore is use to being selfish sounds familiar to me personally and at the moment. It can be such a pain in the butt to deal with, lol.