Rogue1313

I was diagnosed eight months ago and last week I disclosed my positive status for the first time. After taking some time off dating an reflecting on myself and what it is I truly want from a partner and from a relationship, I decided I was ready to take myself out for a spin to test the waters and see what sex would be like now. The guy is one I've known since grade school. He's always had a thing for me, and I decided I wanted to disclose to someone I trusted and would first empathize with me. (Maybe I'm cheating and should have gone with a man I didn't know so well, but hey, to each their own.) When I told him the story, we discussed how the virus specifically effects me. I am outbreak-free since my first one, and I let him know that I take really good care of my immune system, take anti-viral meds and wanted to use protection so that his risk is as close to zero as I can get it. I let him digest the information before deciding if we wanted to take the risk, but before he did that his reaction was very loving and supportive. He told me he was sorry that it happened to me, and was incredibly mature in assessing risk in ANY sexual encounter herpes or not. He also reinforced the idea that this will only serve me well in finding someone to spend my life with, because it means I will find real love. A day later, he let me know he was all in, and told me that it didn't even matter to him, that for him, all he saw was someone he felt was so beautiful that any risk was worth the reward of being with me. He said that I was not herpes, I was ME, and after a little date night, he slept over and we had such a great night because of all the honesty and openness between us. This whole experience served a specific purpose for me, even if it wasn't intended to be a relationship-building one, (who knows that the future has in store, he is such a great friend and person) it was meant to ease me into the idea of sex as a positive experience. To show myself that even though I have this, someone still finds ME irresistibly sexy and that my fears are unwarranted, even if valid. I don't think he will ever really know what a profound impact he had on me moving forward. I have a little anxiety still, but only because I am so afraid to transmit it to someone. I must admit, the fear of him getting it from me even though we were safe terrifies me. I guess that might always be there. That's how I chose my username, "ROGUE" as in x-men Rogue, afraid to touch people in fear of harming them. Now, I feel confident in the future knowing that if someone can feel that way about me, then so can others. I intend to only save sex for a serious relationship now, because I know I am ready to love myself and find people who will treat me with respect. THANK YOU to all of you out there for your inspirational stories and for being a part of a community that will help everyone involved heal. I know I my wounds are now scars because of you! I wish you all the same experiences.

So nice to meet you and I'm glad you found us too! We all need each other and you're needed here as well! Thank you for sharing that story. It was so profound and taught me a few things as well! So glad you are part of our giant little family!

First of all, I'm sending a huuuuge internet hug right now because I know how scary it is to be afraid you'll push away someone who you care so deeply about over something you have zero control over. Let me tell you one thing: your life is a journey. It is going to have ups and downs and twists and turns and it's going to stop and give you whiplash but it is so important that these things teach you something about YOU. Our goal in life should to keep growing and learning and this experience, no matter how sucky at first is going to teach you that above all, YOU need to love YOU. No mans love will ever compare to that. What you feel might ruin you will actually be the thing that sets you free and filters all the crap out of your life, I promise you. After all the initial suck, you will see things a lot differently and your priorities will change. You will realize how important it is to feel confident, to enjoy your life, to have all the experiences you dreamed of. To not allow anyone or anything to take make you feel bad about yourself, to be kind to and take care of your body. You will see what you really want out of life and who knows, maybe that doesn't even include this guy! As long as you have the courage to be your own hero and love yourself above anyone else, you will be fine and the fear will become a dull nagging thought that only appears when you're launching head first in a new adventure. Never stop wanting the best for YOU. Make yourself so strong that even if it doesn't work out with this guy, you will still be hopeful and excited about the day your real Prince Charming shows up. If he leaves over this, then you are much better off without him. I wish you so much luck and strength and healing!

I love the phrase "fun, frolicking, and fulfillment." Haha! So good. This was extremely relevant to me lately. Its hard to believe there could be someone who's just 100 percent IN it with you. I havent found that just yet so its easy when youre vulnerable or down on yourself to latch on to something that makes you feel good even when its all wrong for you. Thank you for sharing adrial! :)

I'm pretty sure throughout this entire experience, were all going to have downs. There will be times when we doubt ourselves, when we feel like we will never find what we're looking for, or when were terrified of the future. I'm sure we will cry, or feel desperately alone with no one on our side or no one who can understand us. But well also see ups. The times when we felt at peace with our bodies and the virus inside us. When we make friends with our past and learn from what it has to teach us. When we spend a whole day or week or month not even thinking about the H word or feeling gross or used up. The days we smile and laugh and love our lives. Today, I had a very bad "down". I felt trapped in this little box of sadness and I could not find a way out. I've been working on being there for myself and learning how to be better to myself. I came across this quote a few months ago and recently had it tattooed on my rib cage, because I realized this journey to loving myself is going to be lifelong and I needed to see this every single day until I take my last breath: "If I am not for myself, who will be for me?" The thought sucked the wind out of me. It made me so sad to think that this soul of mine, who wants nothing but to love people and to inspire others to be strong and to love themselves more, could possibly be wasted because I was not being a worthy advocate for myself. It made me sad to realize that I could have no one standing for me, if I didn't do it for myself. That thought empowered me. It made me realize that we are the only ones who can control our happiness. I believe being "for yourself" means to stay true to what makes you happy, to get rid of anyone who doesn't value your self-esteem, your time, or your feelings. To only speak kind words to yourself, and to work on being loving and gracious to the people you love. To motivate yourself to achieve your goals and constantly better yourself and to take care of your body, even it means just to quit smoking or drinking too much soda. I made a vow to myself when I was diagnosed to only live for love, purity of heart , and peace. That no matter how many "down days" I had, I would never stop trying. No matter how many times I failed and didn't love myself enough that day, or was negative and impossible to be around, I would just wake up and try again the next day. I would never give up on being "for myself", even if I failed a million times before I finally did. I hope you guys promise yourselves to be for you, too. I hope you are all having wonderful weeks and just know that I'm here if you ever want to trade notes or just talk to someone. Thank you for listening!

I guess Im writing this because Ive been having a rough few days. Even though I feel like Im handling this all pretty well for only being diagnosed a couple months ago, I think ive reached the depression stage a little later than most people. I guess its finally starting to hit me that things arent going to be the same anymore. I feel like a completely different person. The way I talk to people I meet, the way I cant even look at a guy without thinking "He wouldnt want me anyways, I have herpes." Its just following me around all day every day. My initial outbreak was textbook. Flu symptoms, back pain, fever. All of it. At first I thought I was just tired, but I knew something was up. I have an incredible immune system. Not even a slight cold or stomach bug in years. Then there was the swelling. Then the bumps. I remember sitting in the shower absolutely knowing without a doubt I had this. I wasnt even surprised. I had so many clues that I couldnt trust my sexual partner but I AVOIDED them. I was scared of being alone. So I called him and told him I had symptoms and he confessed he had them as well as revealing he was sleeping with four other girls and not using protection with any of us. Dont worry, I had the doctor run a full std panel and luckily, it was negative for anything else (at least for now... thats the part that gets me). I sat in that doctors office in so much pain for hours because I couldnt get an immediate appointment and was waiting for a cancellation. I knew the best way was to go in with sores so the doctor could diagnose me and swab it. I was miserable. I had so many of them and it hurt to walk (although I have an insanely high pain tolerance and took it like a champ, thank you) my doctor looked at them and was like, "yep. Thats herpes. Heres a prescription for acyclovir and lidocaine cream." (Which I HIGHLY RECOMMEND) It cost me 50$ for a tube but I swear to god, it was worth every single penny. I was leaving on a two week vacation right in the middle of my first outbreak (terrible timing right?) Lidocaine cream saved me. I was able to enjoy myself because I was completely numb down there and my trip ended up being incredible. Two weeks later, I had positive swab results and a little emailed pamphlet from my doctors office telling me how to take care of myself while a nurse confirmed over the phone that I had herpes like she was talking about the weather or the chicken she made for dinner the night before. It was all very unceremonious and surreal. I remember telling my best friend that I just wanted to get past the physical pain first and then work on the emotional part after I got through it. I guess thats whats leading me to write the rest of this, Im trying to work all this out. Im blaming myself for this because it really is my fault that Im in this boat. Why couldnt I just love myself more? Why did I basically whore myself out to some guy who didnt even care about me? I am a cautionary tale to parents that you should love your daughter more, and tell her she is valuable and worthy of love. It makes me realize how big of an effect my childhood and teen years had on me. I had two fathers (biological and step) reject me. My dad left me and never really made an effort to get to know me when I got older. He had a new family, and a new daughter and I was just basically a memory of his past. My step father is possibly the most horrendous person ive ever known and emotionally abused my brothers and I for the 15 years hes been married to my mom. I just had to say that. To put it out there that I nearly a completely damaged person. All I knew was rejection, so naturally I picked men who did the same things to me. I am barely starting to undo all the damage at 23 years old, but better late than never right? Maybe now I can have a chance at a good relationship in the future. Im terrified though. I had this idea of what my life was going to look like and now I have to scrap that and start all over again, having no idea where Im going or what I even want anymore because herpes has made me question everything in my life. Is it safe for me? Is it worth my time? Will it hurt me later? Will I benefit from whatever it is? Everything requires extra thought now. Which I suppose is a wonderful blessing in disguise, but I cant help but resent it a little. I hate that this happened to me. I hate that Im going to wear this badge for the rest of my life because I was too stupid and weak to stand up for myself and not allow someone to use my body and not respect my heart and take care of it. I feel like Im swimming out into the ocean with no lifeboat or compass to guide me back to shore. Ive never been actually scared of the future before but all of a sudden Im afraid Ill end up alone or constantly be abandoned and rejected. Im afraid of all the sharks and the tides and the sun and the saltwater. Im afraid Ill drown. Its exhausting to try to keep yourself afloat, swimming to keep your head above water. Sometimes I want to just let go and let myself sink to the bottom, but I keep thinking of future me. What would she say if she were here? Would she tell me that somewhere in the future, she is happy and loved and safe? Will she let me know how beautiful my life is where she is? That I have everything I could have ever dreamed of and even more? Or will I be miserable and lonely and have nothing to live for? Will I end up testing positive for HIV later? No cute little babies that I can love and protect and inspire to be strong people. No family of my own. I wish I could just get a glimpse of her life for one second so I know that I end up okay. That it passes and that I wont be lost at sea anymore. So I guess my herpes story is still being written and I havent even reached disclosure or any of the rejection Ill most likely have to face in the future. The last 6 weeks has felt like 6 months. Its passing so slow and I know that I have so much left to go through. Im only one outbreak in and no sign of my next one yet. Im sure its there, waiting to remind me that Im not superhuman, that this is with me forever whether I like it or not. Its easy a couple months in to pretend ill be okay when I havent had to suffer through another outbreak yet or tell someone I want to date that I have this and potentially see the look of horror on their face. I feel so completely terrified. So thats why I turned here. I needed to tell someone what Im feeling so I dont feel like Im going crazy. Maybe some of you feel the same way I do or felt it before and can help with some words of wisdom. Either way, I had to let it out. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to. Its amazing how empowering it is to be able to say it out loud for people to listen. Thank you. Really.

I can't even begin to explain how thankful I am for your input. Really. Thank you so much, both of your advice was exactly what I needed to hear. Hugs!

I like your "ramble" ! it's so nice to hear what's going on in everyone's brains when it comes to living with this, it helps give me more insight to how this virus is going to change me and a lot of the times, it inspires me to look deeper into myself! So I was very inspired by reading this because I am in a similar situation when it comes to not having anyone to truly talk to about this, I have told my mother and she had the same reaction as your parents did. She kind of likes to pretend its not real and sadly, this doesn't leave me a chance to talk to someone who I'm very close to, because she is my best friend and in reality, someone I SHOULD be able to tell anything to. I think for parents, it's just harder because we are their babies and they can't do anything to help us and they know its not a life-threatening illness and that well be okay. Let this serve as a lesson to both of us about the kind of parents WE want to be one day and how lucky our own kids will be to have a parent who is willing to talk with them about anything, even though we didnt have the opportunity to when we needed it! Thanks for sharing! I hope maybe one day we can chat and trade stories and notes on living with this virus! I haven't been able to find a buddy to talk to about this yet. (Only diagnosed a month ago) And also! Great song choice haha. It funny how songs we hear all the time can have different meanings that are more deep right? Life's crazy, good luck! Hoping and wishing the very best for you!

Hi everyone, I am a newbie here! I had my first outbreak exactly a month ago today and received my positive test via culture swab results two weeks ago. Contrary to what I thought, I am handling it very well given the shocking nature of my diagnosis. A little backstory on my situation: A guy I met ten years ago as a friend of my brothers and I fell totally in love two years ago. Sadly, he had to move to the other side of the country to care for his mother after surgery. He was only supposed to be gone a few months, but because his mother didnt get well, he is staying for the foreseeable future, which I fully support because he has an amazing relationship with his mother. I have gone to visit and met his wonderful family and we both know how lucky we are to have each other. We've had such a fantastic relationship given our hard circumstances but sadly, a few months ago we broke up because of the distance. He's not a phone person, I'm the opposite. We agreed that until he came home, we would remain friends and still be a part of each others lives. Enter the jerk who gave me herpes in the cruelest, most horrible way. I met someone new because I was fairly convinced I needed to move on, and I dated jerk face for a few months, come to find that he was being dishonest and sleeping around with half of my city the entire time. The only reason I found out about his dishonesty was because I had my first outbreak, and I'm educated and in tune enough with my body to know what this was and that it was something I should worry about. Him and I both saw doctors, we both traded test results, and then I was done with that person and on to better things. Now that I have this, it has done nothing but good for me. It obviously feels really weird to say that, but hear me out. The virus has probably saved me from making even worse decisions. Not to play the "daddy didnt love me card" but I went through my teen years and early adulthood searching for love and using my body to get it, which didnt work out very well and I could have ended up with something worse down the line, or in a bad relationship. Herpes, however hard it is to say the word right now, has given me insight to who I am and what I want. It's made me want better for myself, it's made me LOVE MYSELF. Something I never realized I didn't already do. Now the problem. In a few months, the one I really loved, the one across the country, is going to come home to visit for New Year's and has since decided of all times, to let me know he is still interested in dating again when he comes down to visit and decide how we're going to make this work, my question is, now that I have hsv, when is the right time to tell him? He knew me and loved me before I had this. And of course, I am TERRIFIED he will reject me because its something he didnt sign up for even though he is aware I was seeing someone else for a short time. I know that if he does reject me, then he isn't the person I thought he was and I'm probably better off finding someone else and I've made peace with that. However, everyday I don't tell him feels dishonest. He has no idea that my situation has changed. That I've changed. I'm not sure if I should tell him before he comes to visit, when he can't have an escape if he needs one. It feels very confrontational and I would rather do it in a face to face environment that's not threatening, but comfortable and a safe place to talk it out. However, I don't think I have that luxury and it seems ill have to do it on the phone. Can anyone advise me on when and how to tell him? Does waiting until I'm sure I will see him again make me a dishonest person? Keep in mind, that im not even entirely sure him and i will ever have a shot at being together, so i feel like i should only tell him if we are seriously getting involved again. I don't want to tell him for nothing. Should I tell him now over the phone in case he does reject me and I can pick up the pieces and move forward with my life and live this new journey alone until I eventually, hopefully, find someone who WILL love me regardless? Any insight would be appreciated! Thank you for taking the time to read this!!