BBB363

My partner's decision not to disclose to me her HSV2 until two years into our relationship has been really hard for me to work through. I can't describe some of the important nuance without writing half a novel but Im hoping I can get some sage advice. I met Jennifer (using a fictional name to keep this simpler) two years ago while on vacation. She was amazing, but even after spending lots of time with her during our first week, I was still in a place where I, being one year out of a long term marriage, thought this was exactly the reason to "play the field" - to have the opportunity to meet amazing women like her. But based on her argument to me, I started to weigh the risk of committing to someone against the risk of letting someone go who might prove to be perfect for me. She talked me into it. Almost two years into our relationship, Jennifer told me during a weekend together that she's had herpes for several years. She was having an outbreak, which I am sure is what forced the timing of the disclosure. She'd been agonizing, and rationalizing, and trying to find " the right time," and she felt terrible about not having told me. She said she'd been afraid to lose me, afraid I would hate her, and the more time that went by, the harder it got. She had gone nearly the first two years of our relationship without an outbreak and had not had one for a couple of years prior to our getting together, so part of her justification was that it wasn't really on her mind and that she thought perhaps she was not going to have outbreaks any more and that it could just remain a secret forever. She admitted that had we broken up (she acknowledged that she had planned to break up with me about six months into the relationship but changed her mind), that she would not have told me. Jennifer has always struck me an honest and highly ethical person. It's one of the things I admire about her. She's also extremely bright. Knowing her, I can only imagine that she read and studied and learned everything she could about the virus and what it meant to her sex life. After breaking up with her then boyfriend a while later, she went a long time without having sex. She then met and dated someone a few times, and for the first time had what seems to be commonly referred to as "the herpes talk." Unfortunately, she was rejected. In her words "he wanted no part of that." I was her next partner, but she had had a couple of "near misses," the telling of which made it clear that she had not intended to disclose to these would-be casual partners. And for all she knew at the time of our first encounter, I would be no more than a casual partner. I know that the rejection of the guy who "wanted no part of that" had scarred her and scared her. Because of that, I understand why she would be reluctant to disclose. And after that, the justifications became a combination of "Maybe I will never have another outbreak and wont have to deal with it," and "I'm too scared of losing him to tell him." Some of the rationalization was premised on her claimed belief that she could only transmit during an outbreak (also hard for me to accept, given that I learned that this was not the case within literally seconds of internet research) Jennifer told me of a couple of friends who are infected (she has told very few people), and she actually used the phrase "the herpes talk" when speaking of their experiences. So I know from that story, from our own conversations, and from even just a little bit of googling on the ethics of herpes - that while there are differing opinions about the right time and manner for disclosure, almost everyone agrees it has to be prior to a sexual encounter. I know she genuinely feels terrible about having put me in the position of not being able to make this choice for myself BEFORE falling deeply in love with her. Ironically, had she disclosed this to me prior to our first encounter, I would have done then what I'm sure anyone would do. I would have googled that shit and learned that herpes is not that big a deal for most people, that most infected people don't even know they have it, and that really for most people the "herpes talk" itself IS the worst thing about having herpes. In all likelihood, I would have respected her and trusted her for having told me, I would have spent an hour on google, and said "OK, ready to fuck?" I've tested negative, so from this point forward I voluntarily assume the risk, and if I become infected she does not have to feel guilty about it. And truly at this point, the herpes itself is not the issue. The issue is trust and security. Jennifer is an exceptional person. I am no slouch - reasonably attractive, funny, multi-talented, very loving, generally pretty kind, professionally successful, blessed in some iother attributes - but she is truly off the charts, so beautiful and sexy and fun and engaging and magical that even though I am generally pretty confident and have good self esteem, I have often doubted my worthiness, wondered why she would be with me. I have been uncharacteristically insecure in the relationship, and that has been aggravated and amplified by her non-disclosure. From all those years of being single and independent and not needing a man in her life, she has evolved into some character flaws. She is pretty selfish, probably resultant from the habits of not having to consult a partner about decisions, not having to compromise with anyone in her personal life, etc. I have also discovered that she is not so good at communicating in an intimate relationship notwithstanding her exceptional professional communication skills This is something that I am learning to point out, laugh at, forgive, and move on; it's actually reassuring that there is at least one thing that she's not good at. But the herpes non-disclosure, because it was so significantly inconsiderate and selfish, has made those tiny sins seem bigger and even brings back old ones that I thought were long forgotten. When I bring it up, she gets resentful, like I am holding on to some ancient offense, forgetting that although it "ended" for her when she finally told me, it is all still new to me and feels like a betrayal and changes our story. Where once I looked back at the moment that she persuaded me to give us a chance as a moment of romantic magic, for example, I now look back at it and think how could she talk me into committing to a long term exclusive relationship without telling me? Nonetheless, I remain in love with her and hopeful that I can get past this. It's my issue now, and it's not fair to HER to stay in the relationship if I can't let it go. She really liked being in a relationship with a guy who regularly expressed that I don't deserve her. I know I need to get past the "I don't deserve THIS" feeling about the non-disclosure in order to get back to feeling like I don't deserve HER. I want to get back to being that guy for her. I think I am mostly past the anger and blame and now just trying to recapture the magic and admiration and to feel like i can trust her with my heart.