As I think about my life so far (only being 19 1/2) and the experiences I've had, all the events leading up to this moment, I ask myself the typical question "why me?," I feel ashamed. A deep soul shattering shame that I never thought I would ever experience in my life. And it's not like I gave myself herpes, but I very well could have taken better steps of preventing it. I know the point is I can't blame myself.
But I am a strong believer that everything happens for a reason, and it destroys me as a person to think that getting herpes is the thing that finally got me thinking, got my to reevaluate and focus. I have a lot "what now's" going on in my head. I'm too young and inexperienced with relationships to ever have a chance, well anytime soon to have any kind of relationship. I hate being lonely, and it be one of the reasons I'm in this situation to begin with, getting in relationships just because I'm lonely.
I will never be able to tell any family members that I have herpes, for I will surely be marked with WHORE and not allowed to touch any of my nephews or niece for fear of giving them it too. I have oral and genital. They will definitely never care to know the facts... herpes is sexually transmitted, sex before marriage is bad and therefore I am bad.
I just keep having this image of my 14 year old self (the age of my first kiss) with my big, brown, wounded eyes looking at who I've become. And that song "it was only a kiss how did it end up like this..." replaying in my head making me feel so ashamed and wishing I go back and make so many changes. In only 5 1/2 years I've managed to fuck up any chances of having a normal relationship with any guy. A normal life, of all the stigmas I face everyday now I have another one. Just add it to the pile.
When I told "the guy" today about the situation he was in total denial that it could have been him because he hasn't been with that many woman, but I told him I broke out the day after we had sex and I went over every detail of what happened, he still insist I gave it to him, but I have always gotten tested regularly, and know without a shadow of a doubt it was him. When he left he gave me a hug and said, "You're right though. I would feel like my life is over too if I had herpes."
Well that's the end of my rant I hope someone has some comfort and advice.