serendipity2018

I feel for you! Read my story 3 lines after you where I didn’t disclose and the guy I really cared about ended up getting it and I lied about it then eventually ended up correcting my mistakes and admitting to it. Trust me, I was also in denial for 3 years! I didn’t want to talk or even research about it. What I learned from my experience is that we can’t dwell on the past. What’s done is done and now you have to focus your energy on forgiving and healing yourself! Trust me, it’s not going to come right away and it’s a process. I’m dealing with it now. Now you know the consequences of your actions & you can educate yourself in learning more about herpes and protecting your potential partners.. Herpes is just herpes! Don’t be fearful about opening up about it. I’ve learned that opening up and talking about herpes gives it less of a power over me. I took its power away as soon as I openly talk about it to my family and friends. Don’t let this question your self worth. We made a mistake but it doesn’t mean that we are bad people. It just means we’re humans. Just always disclose next time & learn from this.

@RegularGuy & @Imkrawz28 yeah, thank you so much for the kind words. I promise to live with integrity and to honor myself at all times to prevent myself from self sabotaging my own happiness. This was the biggest lesson of my life and from here on out, I will be brave and be courageous.

@RegularGuy so here's my follow up 1 month later... I had moved out of the area end of May in hopes of forgetting about the whole situation and living my life normally. I told myself that it was better not to tell because it will hurt him more if I told him. (That was just me justifying why I should not tell him) I saw an energy healer, went on vacations, self medicated, and partied my way in order to escape my guilt. Trust me, the guilt never went away coz what I did was wrong and out of my character. Fast forward to yesterday, I finally had the courage to be brave and call him to tell him the truth. It definitely devastated him and it broke my heart knowing that I had hurt him. He was very angry, hurt but despite all of that, he didn't cuss me out but just told me to leave him alone and that we both need to move on from this. This is definitely a big lesson for me and I'm truly learning the meaning of integrity and being authentic. In hopes of sharing my story, I hope that one person will not make the same mistake as I did and to always disclose before doing anything sexual to protect your partners. Trust me, the guilt in knowing that you betrayed someone's trust is not worth over the fear of possibly getting rejected. Be honest and be brave. Also, I went to a personal development seminar over this weekend which inspired me to be brave and tell 150 people around me with the microphone that I have herpes and that I forgive myself for allowing this skin condition to rule over my life when in fact I am in charge of my life. Thank you @RegularGuy for all the advice and the support you provided for me and to the others in need. You are making a difference!

I have a question, the guy that got herpes from he has been having back to back breakouts since his first. Probably his 4th one now since the first. Is it ever going to stop? he's suffering and I need help on how to deal with him.

I'm so scared to tell him but I know I have to tell him. I'm crying reading what you just said and I know that he will hate me as much as I hate the person who did this to me but I know deep down, I have to tell him. I'm so over feeling fearful. My inner peace was disturbed since my diagnosis and I was never honest in all my relationships because I was so afraid and ashamed. I do need to face the consequences of my actions and I'm so over living a lie. I just want that inner peace that's been lacking for 3 years. I've been imprisoned by herpes for a long time and I'm barely dealing with all of it now after hurting the one person that I truly cared about in a long time. Thank you for your kind words. I was expecting the first comment to be a little harsher. Thank you @RegularGuy.

I'm prepared to be judged, criticized and be called names because I know I deserve it... Here's my story... I had found out I have herpes 2015 when I ended up single and I wanted to experiment so in the heat of the moment, I end up having an orgy with my close friends at that time. Well one of them which I will call as B had rashes all over his scrotum and I remember asking his girlfriend who was my bestfriend at that time if that was okay? (I was so naive, I know and stupid) and she looked at it and said that it was okay and it was no big deal. He then told me that it was a heat rash and it was no big deal & that was the beginning of the end for me. I later got a phone call from a friend of mine saying that B's ex was crying to her telling her that he had given her herpes. I was such in disbelief and I knew I had to confront him. I called him and he kept insisting that it wasn't true and he promised me that he was clean. (Before this, I also heard rumors that other girls got herpes from him or his roommate but yet I still didn't believe it or I was too naive and foolish) Well, one of my close guy friends who was part of that orgy came to me crying one day and showed me his penis with bumps and everything. My heart sank and I was so scared that it was true. A couple of weeks later, I notice a bump on my vagina and i had a hard time urinating because it was so painful. I just knew what it was so I panicked and I went to my doctor. She swabbed the sore and I had to wait for a phone call for that. Well, I had missed their phone call and my doctor end up sending me a letter which was addressed to my mom's house where my mom opened the later and called me about the results. I was still in disbelief and denial that for months, I didn't believe or even think about it. I went on with my life putting the diagnosis in the back of my head but slowly feeling myself fall into depression and anxiety. Anxious at the fact that my care free, bubbly personality will be rejected due to this diagnosis that no one will ever want me. I was in denial for so many years that when I had my last boyfriend for 1 1/2 years, I disclosed and pretended to him that I just found out I have herpes the first time I had an outbreak while I was with him. It was so awful since then because I never learned to accept the diagnosis and it felt like I was living this lie to my partner and to myself. I couldn't accept that I got this one diagnosis that I swore in my life would be the worst thing that can happen to me and it happened to me just because of one act of experimenting. My first and only time doing something that extreme and I get this. The guilt, shame, anger and resentment I felt towards that friend of mine who lied to me about my diagnosis didn't come to terms to me until I did it to someone else and I see right now, what it is doing to him. He's been a mess for a couple of months now, slipping from being confident and happy like me to this insecure and sad man. I did it to someone I cared about so deeply and it hurts me. I feel awful, hurt, disappointed, mad, upset and so sad at the fact that I put this person in the same shoes that I had to deal with three years ago. To realize that he will constantly feel this constant fear of getting rejected everytime he talks to someone is painful. I deal with it every single time I talk to someone new and I was never the same after herpes and to know that he will go through it on a daily for the rest of his life like me... I'm the worst human being for making someone go through this trauma and hell. Fuck the positive side or the brighter side about having herpes, the truth is, it sucks and we just deal with it to make ourselves feel better. I hate this so much. Every time I get intimate, herpes keep crossing my mind and sex was never the same to me. To make things worst, I love this person so much that I should have been there to protect him instead of bring him this permanent gift that will change his life forever as it did mine. We were just in our beginning phase of learning each other and was heading to the path of being exclusive when we both decided to get intimate. I kept telling him to wait but at the heat of the moment, it happened and ohhh how I wish I could take it back. In all honestly, I wanted to disclose before hand but the fear of getting rejected or the shame or being viewed as "dirty".... I just couldn't bare it. (I SHOULD HAVE JUST SAID IT) I wish I had known that there were sites like this that offered advice on dealing with disclosing it to a potential partner instead of me constantly being in denial and lying about it. I never researched "herpes" since my diagnosis of 2015 and now, I've been so active with learning everything I can about this diagnosis. I can't sleep, I can't think, I can't focus at work and I can't eat knowing that I hurt someone in a permanent way. I lied when he confronted me about being clean. I told him I was tested before and that I was clean. We are no longer talking right now but the burden, the guilt and feeling like I owe him the truth is eating me alive. This is a lesson that I will never forget and I have come to terms about how I can affect someone's life by being intimate with them. It sucks learning that my own body can potentially damage someone else's and make them feel depressed and anxious like what happened to me. I've researched about this disease and I've looked at this site looking for any similar stories to mine but no one had any stories that were like mine. A lot didn't disclose but their partner never got it while in my case, he did and it was all my responsibility and fault. I am hurting knowing that I hurt someone. I want to come clean and tell him everything but I fear for my own safety, my own life and him suing and going after me for being negligent and ultimately me losing my career and the life that I have worked so hard for. I've asked several close friends of mine about this and they all told me to let it go and move on and it's better that he doesn't know the truth because telling him the truth will make everything worst. But i'm to a point where I will end up losing my mind or to be honest, i've been suicidal at the fact that I did know and I didn't protect him. I could have prevented all of this if I only disclosed... I don't know why I wrote this but I need some guidance. I hate how far this disease have taken over my life and how I let this scare me to a point where I neglected another human being's health. I'm so sorry and I hope that who ever will be reading this can forgive me for being a coward.