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Everything posted by unbreakable

  1. Since it affects nerves I was wondering... It can cause nerve pain from the waist below but can it also make someone irritable and feel in a low mood? (Without taking in consideration the emotional turmoil it can cause.)
  2. unbreakable

    I am not complete

    It’s been almost 2 years since I got diagnosed but I’m still not recovered mentally. One of my most important body parts is ruined. I do everything to avoid outbreaks but discomfort still lingers almost always. The part of me that is supposed to bring me pleasure is only making me annoyed and hopeless. As a woman I used to see it as kind of a sacred place, that’s hidden and is complex and it’s a great experience to share it with someone I let in. Now it’s dangerous for others’ health if I were to get intimate with anyone... I feel like I’ve lost a part of me mentally/spiritually. I’m only 22. I have only ever had 5 encounters before I caught the virus from someone who knew he had it, and they all were almost-consensual one night stands. I had yet to really desire someone. I was never irresponsible. This one guy took me home after an anything but successful date and I was so sad and afraid and maybe hoping for a better end to the night than the rest of it was that I let him. We used a condom but “that was the last one he had” and while I was tired and trying to sleep I “agreed” to do it without one the second time. Is my life over forever or? I really have no idea.
  3. unbreakable


    Is it bad to want to leave a relationship because it reminds me of my past mistakes? I infected a guy I didn’t disclose to but he stayed with me, on some days we get along really well and I actually feel a connection and see a future, but he has slight PTSD because of my deeds and to be honest so do I! I can’t stand the person I was back then, I was letting fear control me... And everytime I look at him I see only a little bit of the wonderful person he is because my mind is clouded by my own self hate, everytime I look at him it’s like a mirror that shows me as a terrible monster! He tries not to mention it to me too often, he doesn’t put me through emotional abuse at all even though I’d kinda deserve it. But he has his bad days, and I can see it in his eyes that he’s withering away beside me because of me! I think he doesn’t know his opportunities well enough, I’m his first girlfriend and he doesn’t know how much better it could get than this relationship. Also he’s afraid he would infect someone. And he tries to forgive me but I think it’s nearly impossible and definitely not necessary. It would be easier to just leave me, to think I was a monster, and to move on. Then I could move on too and make myself understand that I am NOT a monster anymore. I know I f.cked up badly but you know... I DO deserve to be admired with passion as much as he deserves to have a passionate relationship. I don’t have to stay if it’s making me sad more often than him. It might seem like an immature decision though. But it feels right. Feels painful but feels right. I want to focus on myself, not dating just loving myself more. I really wish he would have to courage to fall for someone else without fearing the disclosure! I wish he could let me go... I am witty and caring and I do look good, (I know my worth) but if I’m not making him happy, because of who I am/was, then it’s silly of him to stay! Buuut leaving a person after I had hurt him so severely, leaving a person who still loves me, leaving a person whom I still love, kinda... is just so rude and painful! Or would it not be? I’m so clueless. I don’t know if breaking things off would be a healthy mature decision towards both of our recovery or a dumb decision that my depression and self hate is telling me!!!
  4. unbreakable


    I mean we could have been so happy! And maybe we still could be...?! He’s become more mature and more loving since in a relationship. He’s amazing. I’m afraid that he will fall in love with the wrong girl. Anyway, not my problem. I know I’m not the right one for him. I was just a lesson. Thanks for reading.
  5. I was going through very hard times mentally, without any help, when a guy asked me on a date. Long story short, I went because I thought we could be good friends and he seemed nice, but he turned out to be way too eager later on and I spiraled into bad memories when he kissed me without me really wanting it, I felt I had no control whatsoever over my life and relationships. We ended up at my place and started off using a condom but it kept slipping so he took it off. I was both aware and unaware of my illness. Tried to be cautious but still refused to believe I had been plagued with a virus at such a young age. (21 when caught it from an abusive person and 22 when this date happened.) My mind was in a constant state of dissociation so yeah. I f*ed up but I was f*ed up too. Not an excuse, just another addition to the story. Later turned out I was his first, hence being pushy and hence not knowing how to use a condom properly. I ruined him for life, or atleast til a cure is found. HOW DO I DEAL WITH THIS? Yes he could still date, yes he could still party, but he must have the talk, and he must watch his immune system, so he’s not fully FREE anymore. And he’s never even had any experiences when he was free to have them, he had to provide for his family and never dated or partied... (He was 23 at the time.) Now let me get to the selfish part as well. Our relationship went pretty well before he developed symptoms, my dumb ass believed “oh I’m healthy and happy”, we went on fun dates, almost developed deeper feelings mutually... Then BAMM it happened, he fell ill with a fever, got tested H+, his mother who’s been battling a heart disease suddendly passed away, I was desperate so I told him I was clean of STDS because I didn’t want him to lose the only person who could comfort his grief (I thought I was that person, how dumb). I only recently told him 2 months ago that I did get a + result for H when 21 years old but did not KNOW I had H because I was too ruined mentally. We have been and are still in contact, dating actually, but c’mon a relationship can’t be built on such weak foundations... So yeah, the selfish part is: How the f* do I get over having ruined my chances of being happy with the only guy to this day whom I could hold a proper conversation with??? I have never been a fan of dating, I was busy with my own life but kept an eye out for guys who were interested in me, and no I don’t want to start dating. I was just glad he came along, after getting over my irrational anger about him kissing me too soon. And now I’m mad at myself. You know, maybe if I told him I had H then we would’ve never had sex but I could’ve stayed friends with him and I could have him in my life without feeling guilty and like a monster! Buuut I never had a chance to, because he wasn’t very keen on talking on the first date, he just wanted sex and then to leave... Idk. We both messed up but I messed up worse than him of course. Idk what now. My carreer is going okay, learning self love is fun because I get to pamper myself with gym or hot baths or whatnot, but my soul is a big mess still.
  6. unbreakable

    Scar removal on genitals?

    Hi, me and my boyfriend both have herpes and we weren’t cautious enough when suspecting outbreaks, which resulted in his skin being damaged in a minor but annoying way. We still had sex when we should have avoided friction because of a possible oncoming outbreak. A small spot on the tip of his penis healed imperfectly, I never notice it but he’s known his body for longer than I do... and he’s very annoyed by it. He says it kinda looks like it has a different texture but if touched it’s not any different or not any less smooth. Maybe it’s just a small change in colour. Idk but I’m very sad about it. He deserves to like all of his body parts as much as I like them! I actually have a larger scar on my knee from tripping on a rocky road as a kid, it looks and feels smoother year by year but I was once suggested that if I want it removed then laser therapy can help. I wonder if laser or anything such can be used on genitals. Anyone had any success having herpes scars removed? Or do you have a story that tells why you are not bothered by them (anymore)? Pls and thx.
  7. unbreakable

    Herpes and workout

    Does working out on a regular basis strengthen the immune system? Or is the adrenaline rush of cardio exercise a kind of stress too? How about working out with an outbreak? With some numbing cream and safe non-exposing clothes is it okay?
  8. So my partner has noticed a little red area of skin behind his testicles and is not sure whether it’s H or not. Could be just a rash from getting sweaty in the tight clothes he wears for work or anything, idk. No blisters just redness. I want to know which things are H related and which are not, so if you ever experienced anything else other than herpes blisters on your genitals, please chime in below. I’ll start: After lots of sexual contact resulting in rubbing the skin too much not only my genitals but my mouth felt uncomfortable too, my body was fighting the virus everywhere.
  9. Hi. H has taken a toll on my & my partner’s mindset. We both were annoyingly happy and motivated people before it. That’s not the case now. How to keep your mind off of negative thoughts and uncertainty surrounding your health? Any tips are welcome. Focusing on inner values more? Getting busy with a work project close to your heart? Reading inspirational things? Bodybuilding to have a reason to feel more comfy in your skin again? Faking happiness til you make it? Also, how to live a life without lacking anything if you can’t focus on sexuality that heavily? I’m okay, I’m a mind over matter person, so there are a lot of things more important to me than getting freaky, albeit my most sacred bodypart being ruined kind of depresses me... But my boyfriend is heartbroken about not being able to be the “biggest bull in town”, you know, one who is desired by many but only belongs to one, etc. To him NOT thinking about how sexuality/sensuality/dominance matters affect other areas of life is impossible and it causes him huge emotional turmoil.
  10. I have noticed that even when I’m not having any symptoms of H, I still can’t get ad wet down there as I used to, like something about the ph or whatnot of my vaginal fluids is off. It’s REALLY saddening because sex was much more pleasurable that way, not to mention that everyone I ever dated was very turned on by how responsive I was... Any idea what’s going on and what to do?
  11. My partner got infected when having unprotected sex. He never had any sores or any other wound behind his balls but now he said he had an outbreak and felt sores even there. How is it possible?
  12. Just need to get this out. I got herpes from an assault, and was in denial because of the shock. I knew I had it but I refused to believe this was reality, my memory was temporarily impaired as well. I wish I went to therapy but I was too weak to search help and I had no one who cared. My real parents are not alive anymore and my stepmom simply never realized that I was very seriously mentally ill... Because of being in denial about it, I didn’t disclose to a guy. He asked me on a date, it was nice and I didn’t expect it to turn physical at all, then we drank a little and he got kinda pushy when he got tipsy and we ended up in bed. I had flashbacks of my assault and my mind froze. I didn’t push him away when he said he wants to try it without condoms too. He contracted the virus. He got the duagnosis. He fell in a severe depressive episode, he couldn’t eat, couldn’t get up, couldn’t even get out of bed to go to the pharmacy for antivirals. He confessed the story to his mother, who was a very old fashioned and overly protective lady, around 55 years old, and she had a pacemaker for a heart condition, her heart was very weak. Sometimes she would go to the pharmacy for him when he couldn’t get up. Later that month, if this would not have been enough of a tragedy, she had another heart attack and died. The ambulance got there very fast but it was already too late. Even though she probably could have died at any time because she was very very weak, I am convinced it was because of the stress that her son’s illness and emotional pain caused. It literally broke her heart. He then spiraled even deeper into depression. We hardly ever talked, but my dumb ass thought he was grieving. Later turns out he WAS grieving but not the mother’s loss. She was severely ill and he kind of let go of the fear of losinf her back when she had her first heart attack and got the pacemaker. He was grieving his own life and happiness and freedom and health. He can no longer stay up late, get drunk, or do anything that’s fun but unhealthy, not even in moderation, because his skin might start developing wounds again then. That part of his skin that’s supposed to allow him to feel pleasure, not pain! How terrible is this??? I did not disclose to him until recently when he told me this. It’s been a few months. Back when the tragedies happened I had NO idea how to act... I thought he would need my consoling as a friend because of the loss of his mother instead of getting disgusted by me, I thought he was going to leave anyway because we’d only ever been on a few dates and I’m better off not leaving a bitter memory for him... NONE of these is a valid reason for lying to him for months, I know! But my mind was fogged totally. Things are stable now, he can talk about his mom without crying, he can look me in the eye in spite of knowing what I have done, and after all this sh*t he’s not bothered by insignificant issues anymore he said. It’s terrible and painful and a prison mentally, but things are stable now. So I just wanted to get the nastiest part off my chest. I feel like a murderer. I believe this is how someone who hits a person with their car by accident probably feels too. I am not a person who wishes bad upon anyone, but if Karma ever comes for the person who infected me (later turned out, knowing damn well he had the virus since decades, and probably thinking he can make me stay with him by giving it to me)... it definitely won’t be pretty, and I won’t even feel sorry if I learn about it via gossip or something. I was 21 years old, it had not even been a whole year since losing my virginity, and he was around 50 but lying about his age. Not that it matters. But imagining how many women have gotten the virus from him over his life... I want to vomit at the thought.
  13. Sorry if TMI. Since I’ve had H all the sensitive parts of my skin “under the belt” have been problematic. The way my vagina reacts to the virus when it tries to cause an outbreak is messing up the ph balance, that I try to fix with a good intimate wash (on the outside) that has lactic acid in it. And the skin around my anus has been more prone to irritation and tearing, some of the virus most probably got there as well. It’s really embarrassing and annoying because even if I eat enough fibre etc. sometimes I still feel a vein protruding and sometimes I even bleed when going to the toilet. There are herbal extract pills that help strengthen veins (diosmin + hesperidin), I take a low dose alongside my vitamins every day and it really helps, but this still bothers me mentally. Can H really be the cause? If so, how to prevent this?
  14. My boyfriend has contracted H from me. We are aware who the person I had contracted it from was, a creepy old dude who persuaded me into going to his place after the worst “date” ever then abused me later. One day my boyfriend woke up in a very low mood, felt more tired than when going to sleep, and didn’t hug me like usually. Turned out, he had a nightmare about his health and freedom being ruined. Turned out, this wasn’t the first time. He said that in his nightmare he was at a spa or bath, trying to relax, when an old, seemingly homeless person with obvious bad intentions came dangerously close to him and tried to rub his penis on him. I damn near broke down crying when hearing this. Me being hurt and traumatized by this nasty creep is one thing, but having ruined a perfectly healthy and strong man’s mental health and now being the creep/wrong-doer in his life... is the worst!!! Do you think he should seek therapy? Can just one or two sessions help? He’s way too stubborn and also way to busy at work to dedicate more time to digging into memories that can’t be changed already. (I am in therapy with a very wise and likeminded lady, she’s not for everyone but oh my, she saved my sanity. So I’m good...)
  15. I had my annual blood test done this week. My mother passed from cancer and I like to check how my body is doing every once in a while to avoid being too late to act if I were to be ill. My doc was happy about my results, because they were in the optimal range, but I wasn’t happy at all. I have noticed some really minor things but I am worried it might get more serious. I was a little bit low on vit B because of not eating meat but I take supplements for that, it’s okay. But one of my liver enzymes’ level was very slightly elevated. I’m on suppressive therapy but I’m not too consistent with it, I usually take 400 or 800 mg of acyclovir a day (1 or 2 tablets) but I sometimes forget to take it at all. I am not on any other medication: no hormonal birth control, I literally never take painkillers even if I have a headache... I wonder why this is. Is there any natural remedy that helps me liver do the work of getting rid of unnecessary stuff and meds in my system? There are some detox herbal teas available but I don’t know if they are right for me now. Should I just completely avoid acyclovir for a period of time? Will an outbreak put too much stress on my body or are the meds worse?
  16. unbreakable

    Question for the future

    Hi, I’m in my early 20s and as far as I know it does not. Acyclovir is specifically made to keep the herpes virus from causing symptoms, it does not affect your reproductive organs because it’s not a hormone based medication. However, it’s still medication so you might want to ask your doctor whether it’s better to clean it out of your system before conceiving a baby or not. I don’t know if it would affect the baby if it’s in your bloodstream when you’re pregnant. Make sure you don’t have an outbreak at the time the baby is born, he/she shouldn’t come into contact with the virus, so if you do have an outbreak then C-section is better. (Tbh I would prefer that anyway because that way my lady parts won’t have to be overworked in order to give birth.) Find a good doc and hit him/her with all the questions. Good luck to you on everything! :)
  17. So I’m a young woman and I have infected a guy I was with. I was severely depressed during that time and unable to take responsibility for anything, but on our date it wasn’t really visible because the game of trying to show each other our most fun side distracted me to some extent so I felt and looked kinda happy. Anyway, it’s been a year, we’ve kept in touch, and he’s still heartbroken about his freedom. He’s one of those people who can chat anyone up anytime anyplace. He used to work in sales, he’s never shy, and he looks good as hell too. His favourite thing to do used to be what a lot of other people in their 20s do, chatting with attractive people randomly and adding them on social media to stay in touch. He was pretty successful at it too we could say. He never got “there” with anyone else though, except for me. (Such terrible luck!) This is over. The steps to some no strings spontaneous fun are no longer oh, hi, wow, I am XY, so are so..., and let’s go. He might never experience a real one night stand because SOMEWHERE in between these steps telling them about this ugly virus is a must. Even if they accept it, it breaks the natural flow of the conversation/interaction. Even if they accept it, it can mess up the way they look at each other. Even if the accept it, they can feel sorry instead of feeling attracted like they did before. Even if they don’t judge it, they very well might not want to risk their own health. Let alone what happens and how some women would react when they can’t accept it! (And now I haven’t even mentioned looking for a relationship... or starting a family... If he ever wants to have children he will have to have sex with his girlfriend/wife without protection, and if she contracts the virus C-section will be the only safe way to deliver the baby without getting in touch with herpes, and that can leave ugly scars and can lead to weight gain in some cases... Well, I’ll just stop making myself cry here. It’s a tragedy.) So please, drop all of your stories here, so that I can imagine that it’s not impossible for him to live the lifestyle he wants. Might even share some of them with him, without mentioning names or any other information. Thank you guys.
  18. I didn’t disclose to someone I was with. Long story. I did not really consent to ending up not using a condom but neither did I have the guts to tell him anything so yeah. Later turned out I was his first, he never had time and energy (and maybe courage) to actually date, because of having to work double shifts to raise his two siblings alone. He always planned on becoming an emotionally and financially stable gentleman, and his only hobby/joy was having a lot of female friends and collecting phone numbers, before he met me. (He has told me this.) Now he’s not free anymore to chat up just anyone and bring them to his place for the night, even if using protection, of course. He has fought to be brave and sexy and stable and now he’s a possible risk to every hot and sweet woman’s health that he meets. Actually we are together (16 months) but in theory we have talked about separating and I kinda want it to become a reality because I can feel how the situation and the past is suffocating his passion and the bit of self respect I still have. I only recently came to terms with wtf has happened to me, I got H from an assault and I was in denial, so after lying to him and myself for a year I told him everything a few weeks ago. I know, I should burn in hell probably. Anyway. I’m crying daily because of, without exagerration, having F***ED UP a human life. Or two, mine included. It is eating me up alive. The damage I have done is irreversible. And my emotional pain is worse than any physical symptom. I want to feel okay again. Really, not “like a great human being”, or “ready to date and seduce to the fullest”, or any sh*t like that just OKAY. That’s enough for me to fuction and to do good in the world. I know I do not deserve it but neither did I deserve to get infected by a creep at 21 years old so I just don’t give a f***. Ending my life is no option so getting the control over it back is what’s left to do. I really hope that ONE day, SOMETIME, I will wake up guilt free, virus free, his scars will have healed and I will be forgotten to the extenct that’s best for us.
  19. @Victory_in_Defeat Thank you for your comment! It was very inspiring to read, really. I appreciate this mindset! I know I did not end his chances for happiness but I also know for a fact that I broke his spirit. (This breaks mine too!) And as long as he feels broken he will feel like his life is over! So I pray for him to recover. I’m a pantheist, life and nature are my religion, I feel there is hope in every heartbeat and every sunrise, etc. May sound overly romantic but I really do think this way. So I really hope that every single walk he takes makes him feel more and more free, every meal he eats helps his immune system get even stronger than it already is, etc.
  20. I got H from an abusive person and was in shock and denial about it. I infected a guy I dated. Long story short, we’ve been together for a longer while now. And it’s terrible, we drift apart every time any symptoms resurface, then make up, then get excited about it and it the stress makes it start all over again. I don’t know how to handle it gracefully. I want to keep my cool instead of further ruining everything by being upset about it everytime, but that seems rude and insensitive. Also fake because obviously I am upset, I have f*cked up not only one but two lives! Let alone the chance for who knows how many relationships... This one which could have been good if not for H, and every one he could have had without a fear of having to disclose beforehand. As to me, I don’t really want to date if we don’t work out. I genuinely don’t. Help me get out of this miserable mind loop! I need to find a good doc too. Damn it.
  21. unbreakable

    It’s a living hell, comes in waves like any grief

    @Amando I did not disclose, I literally felt like this can’t be reality. I should’ve gone to therapy to deal with this but too late now... (In therapy right now but that won’t heal his scars etc.) @CMB11 You’re certainly right. We used a condom but it didn’t feel good for him so he took it off. (And my dumb ass let him.) So it’s KIND OF a shared responsiblity (well, more mine than his but hey... protection IS important NO matter what). But actually I was his first. We are both in our early 20s, he’s a hardworking dude who did double shifts to help his youngers siblings live well (parents have died already), not much time for dating... and he was lacking confidence because of not being experience so he would get rejected often as well, even though he IS a great guy and goodlooking too... So yeah, I have a sh*tton of regrets. You can imagine. The frustration and everything.
  22. unbreakable

    Rejected, my first time

    Hey. You are awesome for doing the right thing and having the courage! Congratulations on disclosing to him. Cliche, I know, but someone WILL come along and treat you the way you deserve. Please stay honest, and try to keep calm as much as possible in times of sadness. All the best to you (from another lady with H)
  23. unbreakable

    Continuous symptoms?!

    I’m a young woman. I always have symptoms even though my immune system is not weak. I’m resistant to every illness, I never catch a cold, etc. but alway suffer from H. What can I do? Is it because of hormone changes during my cycle? Any man had any similar experience???
  24. unbreakable

    Continuous symptoms?!

    @mr_hopp A little over 1 year.
  25. In a relationship, both HSV positive. One of us caught it from the other so it’s the very same kind of virus. I understand that viral shedding is more severe during outbreaks, but can it cause an outbreak in the other person if we have unprotected sex? I’m under a lot of stress at work so my immune system is weaker than his, I have outbreaks more often but I don’t want him to miss out on sex (also I don’t want to miss out either). One time he felt irritation on his skin after trying, so it’s probably not a good idea. But maybe it was for other reasons, bodies are complex things. What’s your experience?