lovinglife

As long as you disclosed to him and were honest, you have nothing to feel guilty about. He made the decision to be with you because you were more important to him than the risk. He knew what he was getting into. He's an adult and made that choice. Also, you have been living with herpes and while you may not prefer to have it, you've been fine, right? If he has it, he'll be fine too. Don't be so hard on yourself. You didn't choose to get it and you didn't choose to give it to him.

@Barbie0705 He should get tested and yes, most likely he will test positive since it sounds like you definitely got it from him.

@depressedhippo Thanks for the response, I'm so sorry to hear you've been struggling a lot like me. I also spent a week barely getting out of bed and barely eating. I lost I don't know how many pounds in a short amount of time, and it's funny because people are complimenting me on how I look. If only they knew why. I'm especially sorry to hear you've gotten to the point of contemplating suicide. As I mentioned in my post, it has been on my mind as well, though I have not gotten to the point of seriously taking it into consideration at this point. If you do get to that point, I hope you reach out for help before making any decisions. To be honest I actually called a suicide hotline last week. Not because I was on the verge of killing myself but because I was desperate and didn't want to get to that point. It actually helped. Also, something I heard once about suicide that helped me is that it's always going to be an option. You can always turn to it later. But maybe try getting through just one more week, one more day, or one more minute before you choose it. Another thing I heard that struck me is that suicide is like taking your own pain, multiplying it by 10, and spreading it to all the people around you. All it does is bring even more pain into the world. This diagnosis, although it feels devastating, is not worth losing our precious lives over. I have actually been with fewer than 10 partners and I am 31. So I really haven't been with many. I did not always use condoms, as mentioned, but I thought since I was in long-term relationships it was fine, which was not very smart. To be honest I also let myself be pressured by some guys, and was forced by two others. This is something else that's never talked about - the number of guys walking around there sleeping around with tons of girls and never using protection, pressuring girls into sleeping with them or into not using condoms. I think men have a huge responsibility to play in all this, and unfortunately we women are the ones left more susceptible to infection as well as heartbreak. I'm so sorry to hear as well that you were raped. I know how incredibly violating and traumatizing it can be on so many levels. Unfortunately it is more common than many think. Sending you love. <3 By the way, you will absolutely be able to have children and in fact most women with herpes are able to have a vaginal birth (if not, it's not the end of the world - many, many children are born by C-section, including myself, and turn out just fine!). Go watch the interview with Dr. Sheila Loanzon by Dr. Kelly Schuh. Both have herpes - Dr. Loanzon is an OB-GYN and talks about how like 99% of the herpes+ women she's delivered have been vaginal. This is our new reality. We have to accept it or we cannot move forward. Thankfully, it is not the end of the world and we CAN make an effort to help educate people and eliminate the stigma. Stop researching online, step back and do something you enjoy. Watch something that will make you laugh. Focus on this present moment. It is a gift and we can never get it back. Stay strong, friend. We're here and listening. Thank you, and right back at you! Life is never going to be perfect and everyone has some cross to bear. This diagnosis just goes to show that you never really know what's going on with someone, no matter how normal or happy they might look on the outside. We can't always control what happens to us, but we can control how we react and respond to it. We have a choice to let this ruin our lives or to let it propel us to be even better, stronger, wiser people. Easier said than done, but it is possible and others have done it. Sending you all the love and good vibes. We'll get through it together!

Thanks @happyman_adventurous! I really appreciate you taking the time to read and respond to my story, and for your encouragement. I hope one day I can change my own perception and feel the same way you do. It will be a process. I'm still struggling a lot right now but people like you help a lot. Also, you are totally right about negative thoughts interfering more in a relationship than the virus itself - that is exactly what's happening with my current partner (whom I might have gotten it from, but we can't be sure). He is not bothered at all by the virus but my depression is affecting both of us. I'm trying hard to get better. Again, thanks for the comment. Best to you.

Thanks, it does sound outbreaks do not all look the same. Who knows, I guess. Like you said there's not much use dwelling. Appreciate the comment.

Hey that is great that you haven't had another outbreak. When you say your ex didn't believe you, what do you mean? He didn't believe you have herpes? Is he the one you think you got it from? At the end of the day if he is in denial, there is not much you can do about it. This is not something most people would want to tell someone if it wasn't true. I'm sorry that he did not believe you or give you any support. As for acceptance, I'm newly diagnosed and working on it too. I'm mostly reminding myself that there is nothing I can do to change the past or my status, and the only thing I have control over is how I move forward. I will have herpes no matter what. But I can have herpes and be miserable, ashamed, angry, and fearful, or I can have herpes and be accepting, loving, and hopeful. It's not easy but just believe that it is POSSIBLE to feel better, including by looking at all the people living great lives and feeling good about themselves despite herpes, and start there.

Thanks for sharing, reading these stories really helps

I'm having ongoing itching/tingling after my first outbreak and am wondering (slash freaking out) about it as well. Like, is it ever going to go away? Is this going to be constant? Hoping for answers...

I also had no idea I could get it months after being with a partner...figured if I was going to get something I would have gotten from the get-go, so I felt safe. Realize now that was totally wrong. Then I thought maybe he cheated on me, but I really don't think he did. It's just a shit situation.

I'm in the same situation. The guy I'm sure I got it from has no symptoms and never has, other than what we think were cold sores on his mouth when he was a kid. I asked him to get tested once we started getting intimate and everything was negative. Our sex education is no better in the US, it's awful and feels like such a betrayal.

@Leo, I am feeling similar after being diagnosed about a month ago. Like I will never be exactly the same person I used to be, just a lesser version. At the same time logically I understand that it's ridiculous to let this condition change our perception of ourselves. I have hope that with time I will be able to shift my mindset and see this as not a big deal that has no reflection on who I am as a person or on my worth, and I hope that for you too. As for your negative test result, you could have genital HSV-1, so if you were only tested for 2, that could be why. Also, I read that there is actually a 30% chance for false negatives, not 5%. Plus, it can take around 3 months for the antibodies to build up enough in your body to show up on the test. In other words, especially if you're still having symptoms, you might want to get tested again and make sure you're getting tested for both strains.

I'm really sorry to hear about what you're going through, but know that you are not alone, there are so many of us here going through the same struggles, somehow we'll get through it together, keep your head up

It's been about a month since my diagnosis and most days it's all I can think about. I keep obsessing about it and my mind is just stuck in this negative loop, and every time I try to move on and distract myself by doing or thinking about something else, it just comes back, and every time I think I've gotten to a place where I might be able to feel ok with it, the grief and devastation return. How do you turn off this endless loop? How do you stop thinking about it at every turn? How does everything you encounter stop being a reminder (especially when experiencing ongoing itching/tingling)? I feel like the mental burden of this is already starting to ruin my life, and it's only been a month. I've been trying to read and watch all the positive content out there, but nothing seems to work. I just feel like my life is fucking destroyed. I know I made my username "lovinglife" haha but really that was just to try to convince myself of something I'm really not feeling right now. In reality it feels like life could not be much worse.

@Abby137025 So it took about 6 weeks for all your symptoms to go away? And you said around 3 weeks after your outbreak healed? I just want to know there is hope that mine will get getter even though it's been about 4 weeks now of symptoms, 2 weeks since the outbreak healed... :(

Thanks for sharing your positivity, it helps to see others being able to be ok with it. Gives me hope.

I understand the need to disclose to partners. Even if it wasn't pretty much universally agreed upon that it's the right thing to do (although I did have a doctor tell me that I didn't need to), I think I would personally feel the need to do it, not only to respect my partner and their choices, but also to not be keeping some big secret from my partner that would ultimately come between us. However, I am struggling with feeling incredibly angry and bitter that the entire burden of responsibility falls on us poor, unlucky souls who happen to get physical symptoms of genital herpes or somehow otherwise find out we are infected, when the medical system basically discourages people from getting tested, gives people a false sense of security, our education is a total joke that doesn't help you protect yourself at all, and when 80+% of people have some form of herpes anyway, and the 80% who are walking around with genital herpes and don't know it bear no responsibility whatsoever even though they're spreading it. Why do I have to be the one that carries not only the burden of physical symptoms, the burden of psychological shame and stigma, but ALSO the burden of being one of the few people in the population who is "required" to disclose my herpes even though most people are walking around with it anyway and it's "only" a skin condition?? I'm not saying I won't disclose...but I feel really bitter and angry that on top of my physical symptoms, I have to take responsibility for this and carry the shame when no one else does.

The other terrible part is, of course, feeling like you are no longer worthy, no longer "clean," no longer attractive or desirable. Every time I see a cute guy, especially if I catch him checking me out, in my head I'm like yeah dude, believe me, you don't want me. Every time I see a cute girl I think, SHE probably doesn't have herpes. So I feel like everyone else is better than me and I'm just this pariah walking around with a secret scarlet letter and that if people knew, they would think I was stupid and disgusting and pitiable. I also feel like everyone else is smarter than me and having safer sex even though I know that most people are probably not getting herpes tests or having protected sex all the time. I still feel like somehow other people have it figured out and I'm the only idiot that didn't. I haven't been able to tell anyone yet other than my current partner. Part of me wants to scream it from the rooftops so I don't have to carry around the burden of this huge secret, but I worry that if I tell people, even if they are supportive, all they will see is a person with herpes, rather than just a person. I'm more worried about that than about judgment, really. The stigma surrounding this virus is awful. To be honest, the stigma is so ingrained in me that even the idea of having a relationship with another herpes+ person freaks me out a little. How terrible is that? How can I expect someone to want to be with me, if I am already infected and don't even want to be with another positive person? At the same time, it's hard to imagine being with someone who is herpes-, even if they are cool with it, because I don't want to feel like a walking contagion who could end up infecting them. The last horrible part is wondering what my symptoms will be like for the rest of my life. If I don't have recurrent outbreaks or symptoms I feel like eventually I will learn to live with it. Or so I hope. But I keep reading horror stories of people on here with horrible symptoms, frequent, painful outbreaks, "prodrome" symptoms that never go away, painful sex, etc. I can't imagine having to deal with that for the rest of my life, on top of the psychological aspect. I'm already worried because even though my outbreak has healed, like I said above I am still experiencing itching/tingling two weeks later. I'm so scared it won't go away and I'll never feel normal "down there" again. The only positive thing is that my partner has been super kind and supportive, and told me that any man worthy of me would not reject me for my infection. I told him about my past outbreak and negative test result, and that it didn't look like herpes, but that I couldn't know for sure what it was. He didn't get upset about that. We figured out that he used to get cold sores on his mouth that that maybe I got it from him from oral sex, but obviously it's also possible he has it genitally and just never showed symptoms. I believe him when he says he's never gotten genital symptoms. It wouldn't change the fact that I have it now anyway. We're both going to get tested and we'll see what we find out. He still wants to have sex now that the infection is cleared up but I'm too freaked out right now, especially before we both get tested for everything again, including herpes. I hate to think that I may not ever be able to fully enjoy sex ever again. Would super appreciate any words of encouragement. Even from faceless strangers on a message board it helps. Thanks.

I know there are a million posts on here about this, but even if I don't get any comments, it helps to feel like I can get my story "out there" in some way. It makes it feel like a tiny bit less of a big, shameful secret. I am still not 100% sure yet if I got herpes from my current partner or if I had it before, but odds are it's from my current partner. I feel so stupid and ashamed because I feel like it is my fault that I got it even though I thought I was being responsible. We were getting to know each other for a long time before getting intimate and I knew he was fully committed to me. When we finally decided to have sex we used a condom. After having protected sex a couple times, we both agreed we preferred sex without condoms, so I asked him to get tested. I hadn't been with anyone sexually for a while and had been tested so I was sure I was good. He had no issue getting tested even though he said he knew he didn't have anything and never had in the past, and that he would never compromise my health. I trusted him because of the relationship we had developed at that point, the kind of person he was, and the fact that we had very open and honest discussions about sex and our sexual relationships in the past. I also knew he had been in a few long-term relationships before me, so I figured if he had something, someone would have gotten a symptom or a positive test at some point. When he got his tests done, everything came back negative. Of course, as in most cases, herpes was not included in that test and I didn't think to ask him to get that. To be honest, I wasn't even sure if I had it or not, but I think I preferred denial than to put myself at risk of knowing I had it and therefore having to take responsibility for it. I had had an outbreak of some sort years before, but it didn't look like any herpes pictures I could find (the thing is though, I couldn't find pictures of anything else that looked exactly like it either or that matched the symptoms exactly). I was out of the country at the time and couldn't get to a doctor. Months later I got tested and it came back negative, so I was hugely relieved, but later found out that false negatives are common. I have always gotten cold sores so I feel like I should have at least gotten a positive HSV-1 result, but honestly I don't even know if they tested for both strains. Anyway, I preferred to remain in denial and use my negative test as an excuse to not have to disclose, especially since I never had another outbreak and since it didn't look like herpes either. I also talked to a doctor about the outbreak I had had, and she said that it might have been herpes but that it wasn't a big deal and I didn't need to tell my partners (wondering now why the hell she would say that, although it made me feel better at the time). I think the fact that I thought I might already have it also made me less concerned about my partner potentially having it, which was really stupid because instead it should have made me more aware and cautious. I figured if I did have it, I wasn't having symptoms anyway, so it wasn't a big deal. Again, I guess I was in denial and preferred not to deal with reality because it was too hard to face the possibility of having it and then having to tell people. Fast forward to last month, about 6 months into my relationship with my current partner, and I got an outbreak that was undeniably herpes. The doctor confirmed through a visual exam, but didn't offer me a swab and I didn't think to ask for one because I didn't know that I should. This outbreak looked totally different from the one I'd had years before and I had no symptoms afterwards, whereas now after my outbreak is healed I am still experiencing itching and tingling, making me think that the first one was not herpes. I guess I can't ever know with 100% certainty, but the point is that now I definitely have it. I now feel deeply ashamed, angry, devastated, dirty, unlovable and unfuckable, and there are days when I literally can't concentrate on anything else because all I can do is obsess about this (like today - I still haven't gotten out of bed because all I can do is google herpes in the nonstop hope that at some point this horrible feeling will go away, even though it doesn't). It's really affecting my life and preventing me from dealing with other things that need to be taken care of in my life and from enjoying the things I normally enjoy. I keep trying to make myself feel better by reading articles and posts and watching videos from people saying it's not a big deal and life will be fine. I have moments of hope when I feel like I can actually believe that, but then the grief and devastation return. I even find myself losing my appetite and not being able to eat because of the level of anxiety and pain that I am feeling. I haven't actually contemplated suicide because I don't want to die, but the thought of wanting to die rather than live with this definitely crosses my mind. It’s ironic because the past year has been the healthiest year of my life - I’m eating a healthier diet than ever, my body is fitter than ever, and I have been feeling more attractive than ever. Now I feel like scum. One of the hardest parts is feeling like I could have prevented it. I know that so many people get it even if they use a condom, or get it from oral sex (which is very likely how I got it, but I can't know for sure, especially not until my partner and I get tested). Which makes me feel slightly better. But still, knowing that there was a chance of preventing it by being safer makes it so hard not to be angry at myself and blame myself for getting this. I feel like I should have known better and like I am a failure of a human being. I'm 31 so I'm not some dumb teenager. But it's also so frustrating because I feel like compared to a lot of millennials who sleep around so much, I haven't had that many partners and all except two have been monogamous relationships. I've only ever had one one-night stand and it was protected. It feels so unfair, even though I know that line of thinking is pointless. At the same time, I feel so incredibly angry and betrayed by our education and health care system for not informing us better or encouraging people to get tested. Honestly, before getting herpes I was so ignorant about STDs. Now that it's too late and I already have one that is incurable, now I finally feel like I am truly informed because of all of my own research. But it's appalling that I was going around thinking a bunch of false ideas and information and that most people are going around still doing the same as well. For example, I thought that if my partner had an STD, it would pretty much immediately be transferred upon first sexual contact, so if I ever had unprotected sex with someone and it was monogamous, there wasn't much point in protecting myself from then on. One time I was even basically date-raped by a guy - I woke up with him inside me without a condom on, which I never would have consented to since we weren't in a committed relationship and hadn't been tested, but since I thought that if he had something it was already too late, I continued having sex with him without a condom (lots of other issues to unpack there as to why I continued with the encounter, but that's a story for another time). With what I know now I have to wonder at what an idiot I was, but at the time I really didn't know. I also thought it was totally normal to not use condoms with your long-term partner, especially after getting tested (and the guys I've been with always acted like this was normal as well), but now I realize I should have always been using them no matter what. Again, too late. (Continued below)

My symptoms are not as bad, but I am also experiencing ongoing itching/tingling after my first outbreak healed. Is this normal? And more importantly, will it go away???? I'm so nervous that it won't go away and I'll just never feel normal down there again. It's been about 2 weeks since my outbreak healed.

I was diagnosed with herpes about a month ago after having an outbreak. I didn't get a swab because the doctor didn't say anything about it and I didn't know at the time that I should get one, so I don't know what strain it is. But it was clear from looking at it and the symptoms that that's what it was. The thing is, I had an outbreak years ago and never was sure if it was herpes or not, but since it didn't really look like herpes, never came back, and I got a negative test result (realize now this isn't foolproof), I decided to believe it wasn't. I'm just curious if anyone knows if my first outbreak could have been herpes. I hate to share all the not-so-fun details, but that outbreak was more like red, scabby sores rather than the whitish, pimply sores I got this time that look more like typical herpes. However, they were also itchy and painful and took around the same amount of time to heal. The only other thing I could think of that it could have been was a yeast infection rash, but I didn't have any discharge. I suppose at the end of the day it doesn't totally matter, but to be honest, logical or not, it would make me feel better to think that I might have already had herpes rather than that I got it from my current partner. Would be interested if anyone knows anything about this or what else I could have had before. Thanks.

I don't know if it counts as disclosure when you tell the person who probably gave it to you, but since our talk went so well I thought I'd share anyway. I've been in a 7-month monogamous relationship with this man. I asked him to get tested for everything once we started getting intimate but as we all know now, herpes was not included. I also knew he had been in several long-term relationships before me and we were very open talking about sex and relationships, so I felt confident that if he or the other ladies he'd been with had experienced some infection of some sort, he would have told me. We were also committed before having sex and I felt I could trust him. (Yes, I still feel the need to try to prove that herpes "wasn't my fault" - maybe I'll get over it eventually). I myself am not sure now if I had it already or not. Years ago I had some sort of outbreak, but it didn't look like herpes and I wasn't able to get to a doctor during the outbreak to confirm (actually would love to hear if this has happened to others - one outbreak that looked totally different than another? Is it possible?). Months later I went for a test and it came back negative, to my extreme relief. But with what I know about herpes tests now, I really question that result, especially since I've always gotten cold sores. I feel like I should have at least come back positive for HSV1 but honestly I don't even know if they tested for both. I was not as informed at the time and also preferred to be in denial and take the negative result and run with it. Also, I had had a conversation with a doctor describing my outbreak I had had. She said it definitely could have been herpes, at which point I broke down crying. She assured me it wasn't a big deal and said that "it's not a conversation you need to have" with my partners. I kind of wish I could have remained in that ignorant bliss. Anyway, with this guy, there wasn't really any denying that the outbreak was herpes since that's exactly what it looked and acted like, and the doctor confirmed through a visual exam (wish now I had gotten a swab, didn't know at the time). Even though I knew my guy likely gave it to me and therefore had it too (although I also considered the possibility that I already had and could have transferred to him), I was extremely anxious about having "the talk." When I finally got up the nerve to tell him, I couldn't even say the word out loud. He had to guess and I finally nodded my head. I told him what I knew about it so far after some days of intense googling. His reaction was pretty much to not have much of a reaction at all except to say that he was really sorry I was going through this and asking if it was painful and what it looked like. He mostly was concerned for me. After that we had a long talk and I disclosed my past breakout and subsequent negative test, but also that I now knew it could have been a false negative. This did not upset him either. I also told him how I was feeling and that it felt like the end of the world, that no one would want to be with me again, and that it was a punishment for my mistakes (including that he and I had unprotected sex - I felt safe based on the STD tests, the strength and openness of our relationship, and his previous relationships - stupid me). He strongly assured me that the right person for me, a worthy man, whether it was him or anyone else, would not judge me for this condition. He said that anyone that rejected me for it was basically not worth my time. He told me it was not the end of the world, that it wasn't that bad, and that it was certainly not a punishment. He told me that he had never had an outbreak nor to his knowledge had any of his partners, but we figured out that he did used to get cold sores when he was younger (took him a bit to realize this was probably herpes). So we figured he might have given it to me orally. We're both going to get tested to see if we can find out what strain we might have. Once the infection cleared he was ready to have sex and oral again and just didn't seem bothered by it. I honestly question a little whether this is because he actually thinks he does have it and that's why he isn't worried. But I do feel he would have told me after all the talks we've had. Either way, to be honest, it's healing to feel that someone still wants to have sex with me despite knowing my status. It feels like such a scarlet letter. I am the one who is not ready to have sex yet especially until we both get tested for everything again as well as get the herpes test. Anyway, the main point is that he was super kind, supportive, non-judgmental, and mostly unconcerned. When I told him about how many people have it and that most don't even know it, he immediately seemed to take this as a reason to not see it as a big deal, which was great. I feel really fortunate that my first "disclosure" went so well with someone so supportive and matter-of-fact about this infection. I have only been diagnosed for only about a month now and I'm still struggling big time to process and not let it take over my mind and my life, but his reaction helped a lot to know that it might just be ok. Hope this helps someone who just got diagnosed, needs to tell their current partner, and is worried they will freak out. You might be more worried about it than they are. <3