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64th

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  1. @H_Opp: I guess there's truth to those feelings on some level. I'm trying to stay positive (in more ways than one *bad dum tsch*) about the situation. There is a lot of shame associated with it. Talking to my ex about it makes me put it in perspective though. He, unfortunately, is much more fatalistic about it. @lelani: I appreciate the kind words but I still feel guilty as hell about it. And I still need to discuss it with the various people I have slept with over the past year. I'm so not ready to do it yet and every day that passes makes me feel more guilty about it. I am glad to know these feelings won't be permanent. I've read your story and to see how your mindset has changed is refreshing and encouraging.
  2. Thank you both. And thank you for the site recommendations. I've had a lot of anger to deal with. Normally I'm pretty good at keeping my emotions in check, but this has thrown me off my guard.
  3. I find myself in my early twenties, assured that my luck of not having an STD is running out. I, unlike so many of the stories I read, am not the most virginal or improbable of tales. I slept with many people, often times caught up in the heat of passion. Often times neglecting those familiar warnings of safe sex. Over the past two years I began having the 'Safe Sex Talk' before sleeping with someone. If I wasn't going to use protection I was going to at least ask when the last time they were checked, who else they had slept with, if they knew of any STDs they or their partners could be infected with. I thought this was enough. Not only asking these questions, but getting a pap smear every year - I thought I was at the height of maintaining my body, my sexual practices, and being a responsible adult. A monogamous relationship isn't something I have ever wanted. The idea of being that helpless and vulnerable to a single person never appealed to me. My senior year of college I decided to go to a different country for a semester abroad. During my stay I had an ex write me. He told me a girl I had slept with had slept with him recently. That she had told him he had given her the virus. I was skeptical. I knew this girl and her practices and was extremely doubtful that I could have been the initiator in this situation. I let a month go by, with half-promises of getting myself checked out. While the self-deception was being played out I fell in love with a beautiful boy. He became an all-encompassing part of my life and thoughts. He felt the same way about me. In a way his sweet words of justification pacified my worries and pushed the idea of having the virus from my mind. "I've heard that when people get herpes it's debilitating..." "You would know if you had an outbreak." "It's probably not the case with you..." I have tried to be honest with him about it from the beginning. I told him the first time I got the letter from my ex. I told him again when I got the confirmation that my ex had it. I got the blood work done in the foreign country with the assurance that I would know a week later what the diagnosis was. That week was hell. I went through so many emotions of guilt, denial, embarrassment... But nothing was worse than the idea that I would lose this wonderful person in my life to it or that he would resent me for giving it to him. His words still reverberate in my head, his optimistic thoughts of me not falling prey to it. I wonder if after all he has done to convince me and himself, if the diagnosis will be an even heavier blow. He told me before that this "won't change anything". I'm not sure I believe that. I have not slept with him since I went to get blood work done. We both know why. We both realize this looming question even without speaking it aloud. This morning I sat next to him as he was waking up. He asked me if I loved him, and I responded I did. He said he didn't believe me, that something seemed wrong. I told him that I was concerned. I was getting my results today. There was a staggering silence between us and it took all the strength I had to keep from crying. I told him he wasn't obligated to stay with me if it came back positive. It did. I wrote him minutes after receiving the news. I told him how much I loved him. How I know the decision to be with me is his to make and how I couldn't imagine keeping the truth from him. At this point I don't care that I have herpes. I care about how I affected other people. It is so easy to fall into the trap of blaming the person who gave it to you. It's so easy to point that finger. It's also easy for me to see it pointing right back at me. I don't blame my ex for hating me (as I likely gave it to him in the first place). I don't blame my current lover for rejecting me (STDs aren't something you can just expect people to accept). On some level I feel I deserve to have herpes. That I'm immoral, irresponsible, stupid and that this outcome was inevitable and reflective of my reprehensible nature. I just hope I can find the strength to keep myself from wallowing in this pit of despair and self-pity. I think the first step is just to say it: I have herpes. I tested positive for HSV II. I know that 1 out of 5 sexually active women have it. I know that 80% of those who have it are unaware of it. I know that I am now in that unhappy percentage of people who have and are aware of it.
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