I am new to this discussion and hoping to find some solace, reassurance or advice. I am 58 years old and just separated from my husband of 20 years. He had an affair with someone I knew. It was a hellish experience and a bitter divorce, but I was finally getting back on my feet. When I was ready to date, I underwent a battery of STD tests, all were negative. I did not get an HSV test because I told my doctor I had no symptoms.
I met a wonderful man online earlier this year and fell hard for him. He was just out of his marriage, too. We did not have sex right away because he went overseas shortly afterward but we corresponded the whole time. Once he returned in March, we began having unprotected sex. Two days after vigorous sex I felt a burning and found one tiny lesion which looked like an infected cut. It was swabbed and the test came back HSV2 positive. I was devastated and communicated with him immediately (he is overseas again for the next ten days). He was shocked and told me had had been celibate for years before he met me.
After I did some research I realize now I have had H for years in the form of sacral herpes. The rash on my lower back in the same area about the size of a quarter started when my daughter was in preschool. I thought it came from a trip to Africa and had a doctor examine the area during an outbreak. I remember the doctor telling me it was herpes, and may have even said Herpes Zoster. I really don't remember. I do remember what she did not say: that I had a sexually transmitted disease. I would have remembered that. I went home and looked up back herpes and that's what came up on the internet. So I kept the area covered during outbreaks and put calamine lotion on the blisters. By then I had been married about 14 or 15 years and had never experienced any outbreaks on my genitals that I was aware of. I never had an initial exposure moment. To my knowledge, my ex is uninfected or, alternatively, is unaware he has H and infected me.
I was self conscious about the scars the rash left on my back and was going to get the shingles vaccine since the rash was becoming more frequent in recent months since I started dating. I was embarrassed to tell my gentleman friend I had shingles because of the name Herpes Zoster. I did have one date with him when my back was a bit itchy but no blisters. That was probably when I put him most at risk.
Now it all makes sense -- the headaches and the outbreaks happening usually before my period or after an moment of stress. How could I have been so stupid? I don't know how long I have had herpes-- I could have picked it up in college but no one I have been involved with sexually (before my marriage or since) has indicated a problem. I never even knew there was such a thing as sacral herpes. I have no idea how I got it. All I know is that I am deeply ashamed and sick at heart that I may have infected someone I deeply care about. I am worried about all the times my daughter slept in my bed or used a towel of mine and I may have infected her (she's now 15). Should I have her tested?
Had I just asked a few more questions of that doctor all those years ago, I would have known and done a better job of protecting others. Before he left for his overseas assignment my gentlemen friend complained of headaches so I am pretty sure I have infected him. Since we corresponded about this he's been taking it okay but now been completely silent. But I am sure he is thinking what an idiot I have been, to have had a rash and not known all this time.
So I have some questions -- if I have sacral herpes and infected my friend, will that be the area where it presents? Has anyone else been misdiagnosed with herpes zoster? Is this common? Is it possible my daughter could have been infected by sleeping in the same bed or using a towel? Can I be sued for this? Are there strategies for dealing with the very intense grief I feel now? Everyone on this forum seems so much younger. I felt ridiculous enough dating in my 50s -- now to be dating and infected with an incurable STI seems even more ridiculous.