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Kads

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Everything posted by Kads

  1. RegularGuy, I really do wish I could be more like you. I have been trying to work on my low self confidence and was considering a job change. I was actually doing great, things were looking up. My boyfriend and I were talking about marriage, I was looking at jobs, I felt attractive. I got a counselor to ensure I would keep progressing and then life happened again and I got a big fat slap in the face. Everything came tumbling down. Herpes came into my life. My self confidence has hit an all time low. My weight has dropped and not in a healthy attractive way. My boyfriend left. He needed time to think...and then nothing. Every time I work on myself and start to feel attractive, worth the effort, or the least bit positive about myself...karma hits. It's like life is telling me I am NOT worth it, STOP trying. Having herpes is something I just don't know I can get past. If the people I love (family, friends, boyfriends) treat me like they do and then life just refuses to "give me a break", why would I or should I keep trying? I have just hit that wall, AGAIN, I am not strong enough for this. I want to be, but I don't know that I have the energy. I know everyone has there stories and mine is no worse than anyone else. We are able to handle a certain amount of stress and some people are just better at it than others. I have lost babies (one even on my birthday), I have lost a close friend to suicide, my husband left to be with his girlfriend (who happened to be my friend), I've been hospitalized for some freak virus my kids gave me and took away 8 months of my life, I've had my own father insult me and tell me he will see me in hell, and worst of all I got Herpes, and then the person I thought was my soul mate left. Most of this is within the last 4 years, some before. I realize I am only 3 months into my herpes diagnosis and I am still healing from that. Other than this group, I don't have anyone. Maybe as I get further in to accepting this isn't going away, maybe I will be able to work on myself. Maybe I am too scared to try to work on myself anymore. Life just beats me up every time I try to feel better about me and stop focusing on helping others. People take advantage of me, but life gets worse when I try to "focus on me" or improve my inner self.
  2. RegularGuy thank you for the advice. I do have low self esteem, so you are correct there. I’m not sure that will improve after contracting HSV. I wish I had self confidence, but at my age and with this now, I’m not sure that will ever improve. I know, I’m the same person I was...but that wasn’t all that great before. So I’m back to low self confidence that has been amplified by having HSV now. How does someone improve and gain self confidence at my age and with all of this? I don’t exactly live in a booming singles town either. As for dating...NO WAY can I get back on that horse! There’s a definite break and probably permanent break from dating given my lack of self confidence and new diagnosis. I think self confidence is one of those genetic traits but also a learned trait when you are young. I had neither.
  3. I will be 43 this month. Happy birthday to us! In general, HSV-1 has less asymptotic shedding, but again...that’s how I got this crap, so either that’s a lie or my karma SUCKS! I’m sticking with the theory that karma is just out to get me. You seem to know when you have outbreaks, so you have that going for you. I have only had my primary outbreak and I pray I never have anything like that again. It wasn’t like what you read online, it was worse. I have been in the sun, been unhealthy, stressed, and I sleep less than 4 hours a night. If my body can survive this lifestyle, I don’t think I will have another outbreak. You have a faithful girlfriend. Enjoy being with her. It sounds like she really likes you. She is looking past the herspes, so keep that in mind when you are beating yourself up. I wish I had the opportunity to be someone.
  4. I don’t know about the dating thing. I really couldn’t find “the right guy” before this, now it really seems impossible! I’m not terrible looking (I don’t think). I guess guys aren’t attracted to me. I really doubt that “attraction” will improve with this diagnosis. Everyone seems younger than me or much older. There is no happy medium. The oral versus genital thing...I read if you have one you can’t get the other, if it’s the same type. Both still suck. You can’t hide yours if you get an outbreak, I can. ...but I have to use condoms for the rest of my life (every guys dream. Add that to my desirability). IDK, they both suck. Herpes sucks!
  5. I’ve never met anyone with herpes. How awesome is that...I’m the first!? The statistics floating around do make you wonder. I work with a bunch of uptight medical professionals, so I really doubt anyone would admit having it. The thought of dating seems impossible. I feel dirty and undesirable. My hairdresser today told me she wished she had my body and I was so lucky to be me...little does she know. She DOES NOT want to be me. I hope you figure out the girlfriend thing. She seems really supportive, which seems awesome to me!
  6. Nirmike, I appreciate your response. It’s nice to know I’m not the only person with these negative thoughts. One moment I’m better and thinking “screw this”, followed by immediate tears and the feeling I’m isolated from the world. How can 1 in 4 people have it? I don’t know one person. I know people don’t advertise it, but really??!! I sympathize with you and what you went through with your previous girlfriend. That’s tough. Infidelity is a hard thing to go through. I also understand your apprehensions and concerns regarding virus transmission and dating. Maybe try talking to her again and explaining your concerns, just like you wrote them?? Maybe just revisiting the subject would be good for you. I wish I had a better answer and advice, but I don’t have experience dating and having HSV. I can tell you that my partner had no visible cold sores when we were intimate. My HSV-1 was from asymptotic shedding. I don’t hold him responsible. He didn’t know (at least that’s what he has told me and I believe him). We just didn’t work out, partly because I haven’t been able to deal with the diagnosis and his lack of support through the process.
  7. I was recently diagnosed and I am still raw with emotions, so this is going to be negative. I am a 42 year old female with genital HSV-1. I live in Colorado. I am a perfectionist, or at least I was. Now I am...just damaged. I have never been that "positive" person. I have a habit of picking THAT guy. My dad is a bipolar and was verbally abusive growing up. My ex husband was a cheater and left me 4 years ago, for a friend of mine. The last thing he said to me when he left, was call me if you need to have sex..."I don't want you sleeping around and getting an STD". Yes...he is a real winner. I am better off without him and I knew that when he left and know it now. Never in a million years did I think I would get an STD. I've never slept around and have always been the "boring" girl and basically a prude. Everything changed in early April. I was in a serious relationship and he seemed like "the one". We had the STD talk. He was STD free and so was I. To be honest, I think I was going down that same path. When I look back, he was the wrong guy and I know I am better off. It is hard to stay positive when you feel like you will be alone FOREVER. I started having pain after we were together. I brushed it off like it was nothing. A few days later, I had blisters. Of course it was Saturday night and I had no options for care. I knew what it was. I work in the medical field and I am a provider. I got into my OBGYN first thing Monday morning. He said, you knew what this was before you came in but we will swab it anyway to confirm the diagnosis. He was compassionate. "Do you know how many times I have this conversation everyday"? He told me I wasn't alone. Days went by and I was so miserable. My worst fear came true later that week. I was positive for HSV-1 and negative for HSV-2. My outbreak lasted almost 3 weeks. I had to put my happy face on and get out of bed everyday. Why me? What have I done to deserve this? I was put on this earth to help people and this is what I get in return? I get to look forward to being alone and isolated. I haven't had another outbreak, thankfully and I know that I may never have another one or they could be few and far in between. It's not the outbreaks, its the diagnosis that makes life seem unbearable. I don't think I can ever date again. I don't want to be responsible for giving this to someone else. Yes, I may find someone that can look past it, but there are no guarantees that we would work out and I would be responsible for spreading this. Trying to date and find someone was hard enough before, now I have this. I feel like a liar. If I went back to online dating, I'm "selling" myself as a certain person and then they find out who I really am. I can't do positive singles...I work in the medical field and I don't want people to know that I am positive. I am 42 years old and I have zero hope that life will get better. All the abuse in my life has caused me to have low self esteem and depression. Now I have this and somedays I just don't feel like I can go on. I know that's stupid. My symptoms are mild and yes I realize this is a skin disease, but i am not capable of seeing the positives. I read all of the stories and I still am not capable of seeing the positives and how I will be "that girl, with that story". I only see the negative right now and I just don't know if I have the strength to "be happy". I do have a counselor and one friend that knows. My family doesn't know and I don't have any other support. I am sorry this was so negative. I really hope to be that person that supports everyone else someday. I am not suicidal, I have just lost all hope. I am an extrovert who is stuck in an introverts life now. I need to be with people. I have isolated myself from the world (except for work). I have trouble even getting out of bed. I don't feel like I can date or will be able to find someone that will want me. It is impossible to meet people, everything is online. I don't feel that online is an option for me anymore.
  8. I’m a 42 year old female who was recently diagnosed with hsv-1. I feel like my life is over. The guy that gave this to me, left. Now I am alone, single, and have an STD. I don't know that I can survive this diagnosis. I feel like a dark cloud has surrounded me and I don't have the strength for this. I have struggled with self esteem issues and an eating disorder my entire life. Finding out I have HSV, has put me in that dark place I have worked so hard to conquer. I don't think I can get through those demons this time. No one wanted me before and now I won't be able to date. I feel like any guy I meet, I'm a liar. They are expecting one type of girl, but instead they get me...a girl with herpes. Even if I did meet someone, I don't think I could live with myself if they got this too. I know this was negative, but I need to put my thoughts down on paper. I live in Colorado Springs, CO and I am so alone.
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