Jump to content

feelingmyfeels

Members
  • Posts

    7
  • Joined

  • Last visited

1 Follower

feelingmyfeels's Achievements

1

Reputation

  1. 1-800-273-8255 I want to pass along a suicide hotline number if you need it.
  2. Thats so painful to hear about how he treated you with such disrespect and my heart goes out to you. Shame can feel so isolating and if they are your true friends they will be there for you. When I start to feel the shame i notice it and try to channel my anger towards partners that weren't understanding and disrespectful. It can feel more empowering including the disappointment too. I encourage you to reach out to your support system whether that be friends, family, or a therapist. I know that All of these people and this forum have helped me cope with having herpes. Have you tried therapy before? This has helped me immensely with anxiety, depression, and ptsd. The more I am coming to terms with the diagnosis the more I am realizing that I will meet someone that won't worry so much about contracting it. I'm not ready to date yet so am really focusing on self love and acceptance which is fuckin hard! Yes, I too will probably be rejected again and for some reason it's not meant to be with that person. Someone worthy of us will come along. I just started reason this book called Warrior Goddess Training by Heatherash Amara. It's really enlightening. Reach out if you need. Take care.
  3. Fortunately I don't think I've ever had an outbreak to my knowledge (If one day i do transmit it, is the likelihood that person won't have symptoms low too since i don't?)Yes, I am coming to terms with it being a part of me. It sucks how I was met with such rejection and anger from this guy eventhough i did not consciously know when I engaged in touching with this person and was forthcoming with him after. I would never put someones health in harms way. It was very insensitive and shaming, which i didn't deserve despite him being upset. The cut off really hurt and does hurt somewhat still. The rejection sucks and sometimes it's just not a match. Yes, you're right I need to not wear this like it's the scarlet letter. It's a part of me and not all of me. Yes self care is so important. thanks for the support
  4. Thank you so much GeminiiGoddess. I really don't want to be scared and I am. My body hasn't felt the best this last month due to stress/lack of sleep and I'm healing and growing through this whole process. Yes not beating myself up is very important which is really hard to do. It's hard to reckon with my subconscious knowing this information (herpes diagnosis) and me blocking it out of memory for 4 years due to not having sores. Ugh again.. comes back to self compassion, which is what you're speaking to. You're right my worth is the same. This makes me maybe more worthy as I can also truly empathize more deeply with others and dive into core pain that this activated. Yes i eat pretty healthy, exercise daily, and take some supplements. Planning to talk to doctor this week and can explore anti-virals for myself and future partner that i have sex with. Now that I'm aware for real of this I can be very forthcoming with potential sexual partners before it leads past kissing. Thanks for reaching out.
  5. I wax a wane between intense shame and guilt and acceptance and self love. This is an emotionally hard road to be on and my inner critic has been ramped up hard core over the past three weeks. I recently began dating again after 7 years (I was in a long term relationship before) and what happened was so painful. I'm so scared to date again for fear of rejection, fear of giving it to someone, and now feeling less attractive. The resurface of this information was 3 weeks ago when guy I was dating sent me his test results showing negative herpes 2. (He said he wanted me to feel good since two days prior we were kissing, fingering, hand jobs with saliva, and laying naked). I looked at my recent blood test not showing Herpes on it and I shared with him previously my blood tests were clean (which they were) . I went back and looked and saw the email :( in 2014 by my gynecologist said that I had been "exposed to herpes 2" (Why didn't i register that i had it then or they say explicitly?) A doctor's follow up then (2014) just said to avoid being intimate if I had a cold sore. That was the follow up. (I'm kicking myself for not gaining more clarity then and forgetting about it since i've never had outbreaks). Around the same time I was also being screened for potential seizures due to fainting hence another reason i probably shut it down. The disclosure: Was horrible and threw me into a self hatred and anxiety (texting him too much to try to be understood which he probably thought i was crazy) :( He asked if I knew before that night and I said yes/no. It was hard to explain that I suppressed this information for 4 years and got mixed information. He said some hurtful things because he felt I took away his choice to make up his mind, didn't share when discussing std's or when he shared about a friend who was interested in someone with herpes. It's true I don't know why it wasn't at forefront of my mind and I was not trying to be deceptive at all. We talked over a week ago for "closure" which doesn't feel good enough. I don't think anything will sadly other than acceptance and forgiveness of myself for misinformation and my subconscious knowing this information (though completely unaware when we were naked and discussed std's honestly) :( He apologized for being shaming and said he wishes it hadn't ended that way and thinks it would have ended because he can't get past herpes. Plus he said we haven't known each other long enough and doesn't want to deal with shame/stigma I'm dealing with now if we weren't to work out. I think it's more than that. We probably aren't as compatible as I liked to believe and I really did like him (felt connection emotionally and sexually). He appreciates I told him now and didn't have sex with him. I wasn't trying to deceive him. I sent him all my follow up emails/phone calls with doctors and even went to get re-tested to prove I'm not malicious. I still feel like shit. I re-play all the steps in my head leading up to us being naked and wish I was tested for herpes again on recent panel because it would have registered:(Maybe I would have saved he and myself from this pain. I really hope I didn't pass it to him) The trust was broken ugh. I'm a trustworthy person. If it was meant to be he would have been willing to work through it and slowed things down again more emotionally and its too late for that. It's not meant to be and maybe a blessing in disguise it ended now. I think Herpes was another way out. (I have minor ptsd from a former relationship that came up in a few interactions when I shut down and told him what came up. I have an amazing therapist and support network thankfully). The recent blood result showed positive Herpes 2 and negative herpes 1. My new doctor says it means I have it and some doctors don't say because unless lesions it's hard to confirm for sure. This was my last text to him sharing this and apologizing for my ptsd and how he didn't do anything wrong. No response which is probably best. It saddens me and makes me want to close off to dating for fear of rejection and feeling less desirable (Herpes and trauma). I'm trying to forgive myself and give myself love. It's so hard to do. Mantra "I'm doing the best I can and I'm deserving of love even with herpes and trauma." I know I will get through this in time and right now it feels really hard even by the hour. I'm learning more on ways to disclose going forward. The way I shared with him by face time/texts was not ideal and my story kept changing between (I knew and I didn't ) It's hard to explain which he probably found more fishy. I agree that people deserve to have consent and had i remembered I would have said something before we got naked really. I live and learn and will get through this in time. I'm also learning more about how to reduce transmission (condoms/anti-virals (how well do they work?) I don't have outward outbreaks. I also hope I can have sex again without condoms. I have a high sex drive and desire having sex. I hope this doesn't inhibit me. Any support is appreciated as it feels very isolating, depressing, and anxiety producing. Warmly, T
  6. (A lot of anger here around this complexity and pain it’s caused me and him since). She stated that doctors say (exposed based on positive antibodies) as a pre-caution and they can’t state for sure unless you have sores. I was in disbelief and angry. I proceeded to tell this guy and he became really upset and felt betrayed I didn’t say anything prior to. (I get it!!!!! I was so compassionate for him and felt like shit that I could just “forget.”) His anger, fear, hurt, and sadness was coming through. I turned that hate at situation inward and got really depressed and luckily have a great social support group and amazing therapist. He and I have since talked and came to more closure which I am so thankful he was open to. (speaks to his character). I just may not have gotten the closure and would need to forgive myself for an honest mistake. I’m trying to not beat myself up for putting him at risk even though it’s small. I wish I remembered and told him when kissing I have a lot of anger at doctors for not being explicit and towards myself for my ignorance. The stigma around STI’s is so huge. I had it before too until recognized I’m human and 1 in 6 people have herpes 2. I respect his decision to not want to proceed further due to fear of risking dealing with herpes, the stigma, and emotional pain I’m currently experiencing. We also haven’t known each other long and if it doesn’t work out he will have to tell people like me. I get it! Though i don’t have outward symptoms doesn’t mean a partner won’t It sucks I really liked him and felt a connection. The rejection sucks!!!!! (I don’t do well with it and have to adjust) I hope I meet someone that is okay with it. Now I don’t know when to tell people and scared of the rejection big time!!. (When we are kissing? Before?). This process is so new to me so any support and guidance is appreciated. Looking for support. Trying to build self compassion and self empowerment that having Herpes 2 won't break me, decrease my sexiness, nor diminish my desire to date and have sex. Ill get through this. Thanks T
  7. Wow.. So a recent blood test this week confirmed officially : Positive Herpes 2 and negative Herpes 1. WTF!! I was hoping the results before were skewed and they weren't. I'm here for support and to decrease the stigma and shame I wax and wane with currently. I had such a horrible experience this week. In 2014, I was told by a doctor in an email versus a written result/call (ugh) that I had been "exposed to herpes 2 "not verbatim I had it. (positive antibody) and she stated this is a "confusing result". Don’t know why i didn’t do more research then or gain more clarity 4 years ago. I was with a long term partner (6 years) at the time who I don't believe STI's concerned him. Dr. just said to avoid sex if i ever had a cold sore. I don’t know how this happens but i suppressed this information for 4 years and never gained clarity then. (Maybe too painful/confused Idk). I’ve never had any outward outbreaks. Later looking at the time of this "email" I had passed out around the same time (coincidence) and doctors thought I might have had a seizures which was ruled out. Apparently this herpes news I suppressed when weighing it with fainting/ potentially seizures (Yes really though I judge myself even saying that). I recently began dating again after 7 years and did the whole sti panel with this new partner. I hadn’t shown any symptoms. They didn’t test me again for herpes on blood test so out of awareness). He and I touched one another naked, made out, with some saliva exchange with the fingering/hand jobs obvi. Days later receiving his results of negative herpes 2 triggered some subconscious awareness (i know it’s hard to make sense of) and I dug up the old email. I then went on to gain more clarity with a new doctor that it means i have it. WTF didn’t the dr tell me this before ?!!!!
×
×
  • Create New...