Hi... I'm a 19 year old female and I found out I had herpes a while ago now... On 10 October 2017 at 1:56 am I wrote this in my notes: First I had a cold (runny nose/ sneezing all the time). Even though I had a cold, I still had sex with my boyfriend on Wednesday. The next day, on Thursday, I started getting all the symptoms but never once did it cross my mind that I could have an sti. I trusted my boyfriend so fucking much to the point it wasn't even a question of whether he had given me an std. I had been with him for so long it's just something I did not consider.
I got extremely scared and began searching what all this could be and how it correlates with my symptoms. The most common thing was genital herpes or syphilis or just genital sores. Either way I knew I had contracted a sexually transmitted disease or infection from my boyfriend. I was devastated. I've had a pretty shit life growing up but never once did that result in me thinking that if I have lots of sex with lots of people it will make me feel better. I always had a dark cloud over my head about keeping my dignity high. My family culture is very twisted and sexist so growing up I was very closed up and careful about who I let into my life. I've had 2 boyfriends and I lost my virginity to the first one who I only had sex with twice, both times we used protection. My second boyfriend who I met when I was 16 and was in a relationship with for 5 months before having sex with is who has contributed to my suicidal thoughts and depression. I can't blame him for everything but just knowing that I trusted him and that I had so many chances prior to contracting herpes from him to leave him but didn't makes me so angry and upset.
This relationship of mine was more like a manipulationship, I am 5 years his junior and I was basically brain washed into thinking that he cares about me and loves me. He would become physically and verbally abusive on every chance he got and soon after he'd apologise profusely and beg for forgiveness. I got pregnant by him when I had just turned 18 and this was such a hard time for me because I found out about the pregnancy quite far down the line and didn't know how to face it. I was scared to death that my family would find out and treat me like an outcast. I didnt even tell my doctor thinking he would most probably speak to my family about it. I went about it privately and booked an abortion date. I did this alone. I went to get a scan alone. And the abortion clinic was 2 hours away from where I lived. The boyfriend I loved so much called me the night before my abortion whilst I was sat at home contemplating suicide and stated in a drunk voice that he was going to the gym the next day, he had completely forgotten about the abortion. This broke me to pieces and I don't think I could ever explain to anyone how alone I felt in this moment. I just shut my phone and tried to sleep for the day ahead. The next morning I woke up, lied to my family saying I was going to make my way to a university open day and wouldn't be back for a few hours. I set out on my journey alone and made it there. I was in the abortion clinics waiting room for almost 2 hours before being taken in and during this time I saw so many couples, men supporting their partners, giving them reassurance. I was so upset and lonely and I would jab myself and say stop feeling sorry for yourself you put yourself in this predicament. I would constantly remind myself that I was at fault and that I chose to continue letting this man run my life. He did try to contact me throughout that day but not enough. Guess what though? I forgave him. I felt alone and I felt like he was the only one who really knew me, he was like family to me and I felt comfortable around him. More so than my own real family. So I let the torture go on and on and on. Then, I went on holiday for 2 weeks and when I returned he had bought me a pair of louboutin heels as a random gift. I felt this was very weird and knew there was an underlying reason. I know he felt bad for something and felt like he needed to cover it up with a present. I was very insecure about everything and questioned everything which would annoy him a lot. Soon after that is when I found that I had contracted herpes type 2. He kept telling me that he didn't know he had it he cried he swore but I never believed him. Something deep down just tells me he knew all along and I am not the first girl he has done this to. but I think what has hurt me the most these couple of years is the fact that I have tried to ask for help, I have dropped hints to my own MUM but she calls it poison. I wrote her lengthy messages about my depression and suicidal thoughts and Instead of helping me and asking me about my problems, she called my words poison and brushed it under the carpet just like she does with everything else. I hate my life so much and I hate the fact that this man has taken my happiness but still finds it in him to be with other women, sleep with them, lie to them about himself and find happiness whilst there hasn't been ONE DAY this whole year that I haven't cried. Every night, I cry myself to sleep. This isn't something I can help. It just happens. I cry all the time. I feel tired and I feel like maybe if I wasn't here anymore, things would be better. Maybe I would be at peace then.
.jpg)
