countryboy83

I had really come to grips with testing positive... at least for the most part. Don't get me wrong, I'm very happy that I re-tested as negative. But, I still feel the pain associated with the stigma and the breakup very acutely. I try and tell myself that she's not the type of person that I really would want to be with, if that's how she treated me... but, I'm still struggling pulling her off of that pedestal that I had her sitting on. I don't even know how the hell to feel about all the awkward calls/texts I had to make to various exes trying to figure out where all this supposedly started. And, generally, I still am feeling all that anxiety that I felt in the beginning... it's hard to let go of it. I know time will dull the pain, but it just can't come fast enough.

I'd say to not let those thoughts creep in Avalon1, but I've had them too and they're nearly impossible to stop. All I can say is to not dwell on them. My sister-in-law tests positive and she's happily married to my brother with two boys. My best friend tests positive and she's dating an amazing guy. I have another close friend (who was the first one I reached out to when I received my diagnosis) who tested positive and has two boys and goes on plenty of dates. The only way that you'd die alone would be if you give up and commit yourself to doing so. Time will pass and you'll realize that there are good people out there who understand the reality of this and won't fall prey to the stigma. Do your best to find the positive in life. Get active and keep yourself occupied. Work on loving and healing yourself and you'll learn to be happy with the person you are... then, typically, one of two things will happen... you'll learn to be content or the right person will come along... or both! I have no illusions that it's easy. But, keep your head up as best you can.

I think most everyone here knows the feeling of that pit in your stomach and having millions of thoughts, concerns and questions flying through your head non-stop. I'm far from an expert, but here's what I can answer for you to the best of my ability... Yes. Herpes can be contracted without an active outbreak. It's called asymptomatic shedding. Your body will shed the virus a percentage of the time from the location of the infection (mouth, genitals, etc.). Need? Technically, even with outbreaks, you don't need the medication. However, taking the medication can reduce the frequency, duration and severity of the outbreaks considerably. As well, it can reduce the amount of asymptomatic shedding significantly. I mean... it's a bit of a complicated question and is somewhat determined by the type and location (HSV-1 vs HSV-2 and mouth vs genitals). HSV-1 tends to prefer above the belt, while HSV-2 tends to prefer below. Either can be contracted in either location... but, the chance is lower. If you have HSV-2 below the belt, it's likely safe to perform oral on your partner... however there will be a slight risk if they perform oral on you. Generally, there will always be a risk of spreading the virus, but you can take steps to take the likelihood down to rather minimal. Don't know anything about this. Sorry. The chance isn't 100%, especially if you were using protection... However, while I know you're freaked out right now, you'll want to sit down and talk with her. This forum has some incredible resources for the disclosure talk... I'd recommend downloading the free PDFs and checking in on that section of the forum for some advice. I would've given anything to have taken the time to do that prior to talking with my ex.

So, I just received some insane news and felt the need to post a follow up. I started a new thread here:

So, approximately three weeks ago, I had the bomb dropped on my life that I had tested positive for HSV-2. You can read the whole story in my initial post on the forum (https://forums.herpesopportunity.com/topic/8389-just-found-out-and-now-it-feels-like-everything-is-falling-apart/). But, suffice to say, my whole world crumbled. I lost the girl of my dreams and thought that my life was over. I left for a family vacation to Hawaii the day after all of this happened and could barely convince myself to get out of bed at times, unless it was to get a drink. Then, just the other day, another bomb was dropped into my life. I got a call from the clinic and they said that, apparently, an abnormal amount of labs from that day came back positive. They wanted me to come back in for another test, which I did immediately after receiving the call. I just got my results today and, as it turns out, I tested negative. I've never been so overjoyed along with simultaneously depressed and furious. My life has, to some extent, been inexorably altered because this lab completely f**ked up and took three weeks to figure it out. I can't change that my dream girl has moved on to someone else. I can't take back all the awkward and embarrassing phone calls and texts I had to make to exes. I can't take back the past three weeks of intense pain and depression. All of it has happened and I can't change any of it. I'm not writing this to give anyone unwarranted hope that their diagnosis may change. I'm just writing because I well understand the devastating effect that this news can have on someone's life. And I want to say that, even though I tested negative, I'm going to be keeping my account on this forum and am willing to be an ear, a shoulder, a friend... whatever y'all need. If you're in the SoCal/LA area and need someone to grab a beer with and just vent to, I'm here.

Hey All... I think it's about time that I try and find an actual doctor to go to on the regular. I've got a really solid urgent care that's walking distance from me, but especially now, I feel like I should be going to someone who knows what I have going on and can really get to know me better. Any recommendations on how to even go about this? I'm looking at my insurance provider's website as well as the website of the hospital near me that I'm a huge fan of and doing some cross referencing. But, I don't really know where to go from here.

It’s always when you’re not looking and not trying. It always seems to be the case.

Just disclosed to my mom as well as my brother and sister-in-law (they’re both nurses) and it felt like a huge load off my chest. It’s not that I was scared to tell them, but it still felt like a load off my chest to y’all with them. I broke down pretty hard when I told them... I think it helped me to finally really grieve rather than just put on a fake smile while I was dying inside. I’m still struggling pretty bad with losing the girl. It’s been eating away at me for a while now and it drives my day right into the dirt when I get my mind stuck on it. I reached out and she said that she’d be willing to talk... but, I’m still scared. I have a feeling that she’s already moved on... and checking her Instagram every five minutes hasn’t helped any of the above. I’m going to be a mess until this conversation happens. I’m putting way too much pressure on myself and way too much significance on this one conversation. I know there’s someone out there for me and that I have a futire... but it’s hard to believe that there’s anyone like her.

I know that it's not impossible for me to have a family... and I know that the risks of there being complications in a pregnancy are something minuscule, like significantly well under one percent. It's just that the stigma associated with this is so difficult to overcome that I can't see anyone wanting to be with me again. The worst part is that I can't really blame anyone for not wanting to take this on. I've always played the part of the super confident guy... but it's always covering for my significant struggles with self-image. Even prior to this, I could hardly believe that this beautiful woman wanted to be with me. Now, after being diagnosed... It's near impossible to believe that anyone could value me enough to, not only date me, but take on this stigma. I don't have any real hope to hold on to right now. But, I can't say that plan to be alone either. At this point, I don't plan for anything. I can barely make it through a day... an hour... five minutes... without having a breakdown inside while trying to keep it together and put on a smiling face in front of my family. It's just more along the lines that my crystal clear picture of what was in my future is now cracked, dim and too blurry to see. I know that a future exists for me... but I can't see past more than this immediate moment anymore and it terrifies me.

This ended up being a bit longer than I originally intended, so I hope y'all don't mind a bit of a read... I've been generally having a pretty rough go of things over the past few weeks. Among other things, I've been severely overworked and miserable at my job, my passion projects have been struggling and falling by the wayside, my car bit the dust and the new management at my apartment is making my life hell because I'm rent controlled and they want me to move out. Everything felt like a complete mess... going from one battle to another without any respite. The one bright spot, that kept reminding me that things weren't all bad, was that I had, about a month and some change ago, met the woman of my dreams... smart, independent and easily the most beautiful woman I've ever dated. I've never connected with or had someone turn my head like this woman. She also had the sweetest, most adorable two year old daughter who I also was head-over-heels for. For the first time in a long time, I met someone that I saw a long and happy future with... and In the face of all the other crap, I had something to be overwhelmingly excited about. Then, I decided to go in for a routine physical and STD panel. I wasn't concerned with anything. My health has generally been good, I've never had any outbreaks or warning signs and I've always been careful... not a concern in the world. They said that they'd call if there were any abnormalities and I didn't hear a peep. A few days later, late one night when I remembered to check my results in the online portal, my whole world felt like it came crashing in... "HSV-2 IgG: 2.73 - Above High Normal". Immediately, the panic set in and I hit every website possible... all of them, of course, gave different information. I was scared, panicked, confused, angry and a whole host of other emotions... and I still am. The next morning, the office couldn't open fast enough... I was told the doctor would get back to me in a half an hour. Six hours later, after non-stop calls back to the office, I finally got someone to talk with me about my labs. And, what did she do?! SHE TRIED TO TALK TO ME ABOUT MY F***ING CHOLESTEROL! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! I was looking for any hope that I might have completely mistaken the lab results and when I stopped her to bring up the test, her response was an off-hand, "Oh... yea... you're definitely positive." It felt like my whole world ended in that moment. I try my best not to indulge them, but I can't stop the deceptively hopeful thoughts from crossing through my head... "This all is just a bad dream that I'll wake up from."... "There has to be a mistake."... "My count was wasn't super high. Maybe it was a false positive." ... "Maybe there was some cross reaction and it's only HSV1. People are more forgiving with that." Try as I might, I struggling with full acceptance that I have herpes and I'll have it for the rest of my life. Just typing it out right now makes me nauseous... and want to punch something. Then, I knew I had to tell HER. I wish I'd joined this forum prior, so I could have gotten some tips on how to have "the conversation"... I was a terrified rambling mess. Because her little one was always around, we, fortunately, hadn't slept together yet. That made disclosure significantly easier. I wanted to tell her in person, but I wasn't sure I'd be able to live through seeing the look on her face... and if I had to wait, I'm not sure I would've been able to keep up my nerve. She was very kind, which almost made things worse. If she'd been awful to me, I could've at least been angry with someone other than myself. But, however kind she was, she let me know, in no uncertain terms, that we were going to have to cut things off... that she wanted to have more more children and didn't want anything to do with the associated risk. So, pretty much in the span of a day and with no warning, I found out that I have an incurable and hugely stigmatized STD... but, I lost and entire life and future that I had started building in my head. I'm sure all of you reading this have seen it a million times before, or had the thoughts yourself... I know, in my head, that it's not, but, it feels like my whole life is over. I feel like no one will ever want to be with me and, even if someone did, that I'll never find someone like her. It feels like my chances at building a stable, loving family are completely shot. I feel like everything was just taken away from me. It's unfair and I want to be angry with someone, but I can't. I hate myself. I just kinda want to curl up in a corner somewhere and disappear forever. I would never, ever, consider taking my own life... I abhor the idea. But, I can't stop myself from being inundated with those awful thoughts. I don't want to have them, but they just keep flickering through my head. I've reached out to a few friends, one with HSV-1 and another with HSV-2, and they've been incredibly supportive. I know there's hope out there and that these feelings of despair will begin to fade eventually. But, right now, I don't have any hope or fight left in me.