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alllgood last won the day on September 20

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  1. Hi.... I read this whole thing and every damn word you wrote felt like it had came straight out of my mouth... Constant thoughts of forever being alone, or having to settle, because let's be real who the fuck wants this baggage. I was diagnosed before my 21st birthday, this past march, and I'm still completely devastated. I got it from someone i thought I could trust, and I even ask him to use a condom but he ended up taking it off and then well you know. I'm completely mad at myself for letting him and trusting him and i dont even blame him (I should but I hate myself so much more). It's dumb bc I didn't even really care idk why I even did it. It's crazy how much I relate to what you wrote. A week after my diagnosis I got a therapist through the app talkspace so I could let all of this off my mind without revealing who i was because I was so humiliated. I told my mom and shes been understanding but can't give much advice.... my dad would be so awful about it. I could only tell one of my best friends and it turned out her mom had it too so she doesn't find it a big deal, but I had to lie to my other best friend and say I got a second test and it was negative bc how she talks about it makes me feel so awful. I even have the debate between disclosure and nondisclosure myself... even months after the fact. I haven't been having sex because I cant disclose and I cant not bc the one time I thought I unknowingly passed it, ate me alive from guilt. I actually struggle with major anxiety, panic, and depression and since the diagnosis I have turned to drug abuse just to keep myself sane. I'm going to get help within the next week or so without my parents knowing but I just feel so hopeless. like moving onto my career and starting my life is the last thing on my mind because I feel like I won't ever be happy with this virus. And like you said, yea there are a lot of success stories, but I just dont think i can handle all of the rejections and potentially ending up settling. I have found myself more lonely than ever by avoiding sex (and going out because all I see are people hooking up), focusing on school or taking drugs to forget, and then when i remember, I sit on my computer looking for cures and vaccines. I stumbled upon the trial you are talking about and the only thing that went through my mind was "If I were rich id donate all of my money for them to get this damn vaccine". I do have to admit I dont think about it as often, but I definitely haven't made any progress either. I have had every single thought you have expressed in your post so I'm so glad I have someone to relate to. I have been on daily valtrex for a few months with no outbreaks, and before I had like 3 including my first outbreak. That is the only thing keeping me positive... I pray that I can find someone who can accept me who I am not just settling for, and even more that there is at least a vaccine in the near future. Let me know if you ever need to talk... I sometimes find it more comforting to share mutual dark thoughts than to only hear inspirational replies that I just cannot relate to.
  2. alllgood

    Can't stop crying....(New HSV2)

    Can you help me understand what the ozone therapy does?? Eradicating it sounds a little far fetched but I'm interested in anything that helps.
  3. alllgood

    HSV2 sex without condom / disclosure

    Don't know if you're still actively using this forum but I so closely relate to this situation. I've actually been in it twice but the first time was mostly in ignorance. So when I was first diagnosed, around the same time as you.... right before spring break and my 21st, I was sexually active with 3 guys(not all together). I feel like that sounds awful but two of them were on and off hook ups for years and one was a new guy I was getting to know. anyway, I was with one of the old flings about 5 days before I hung out with the new guy again, and leading up to this day I was feeling awful and felt like I had a UTI and a fever... no blisters, no other visible signs, but I did have a bad feeling about it and it might've crossed my mind about being HSV at one point because I'm a hypochondriac. ANYWAY, I went out drinking and saw the guy and he kept insisting on going home with me, even if I was sick and what not, and I thought ya whats the harm? We ended up having sex but the whole time it was awful because I was in pain everywhere so I stopped, thinking it was my UTI and period cramps (I was bleeding), and it turns out the next day I found a pimple or ingrown hair looking bump, right in the pubic area. At that moment I just knew... no doubt in my mind. but I went into denial until getting tested and never told him because I didn't want to believe it and felt awful about it. Turns out I think he could've gotten it because he was sick a few days later and we slowly stopped talking and he got a girlfriend like a week later lol.. at that point I was like ok he moved on, so I need to. But it didn't really end there, one of the old flings ended up being where I was for spring break and in a drunken, vulnerable state of mind I went to his room with him and had unprotected sex. i was on anti-virals and no outbreaks but I couldn't help but think about it the whole time.... and then I would keep justifying it with things like, people have told me he had it for years (rumors around college), or that he'll be fine with the low transmission rates and whatever. But I still feel guilty about this especially bc I did it knowingly, unlike the first time. I definitely don't think he got it either as he has a gf now as well and seemed completely fine (or did actually have it already). but I feel like we did this well for one, because we both enjoy spontaneous, intimate, sexy, connections and HSV makes it feel so not and makes me so insecure. I also think its our way of just feeling like having it is normal and didn't affect our sex lives, and that I'm still the same person. IDK this is a rant, I just really connected with this post because Ii have struggled on whether or not to say anything but I feel they moved on just fine. Now the hard part is finally disclosing before sex.... hope I do or I'm celibate forever and i cannot live like that.
  4. alllgood

    Natural cure??

    PLEASE keep me updated! i want to start within the next month or so... @organicmama
  5. alllgood

    Natural cure??

    I would really check it out... the guy knwo what he's talking about and has a lot of testimonials and followers supporting him. Let me know when you tart the process, I want to soon but my occasional college event might get in the way and stop the process. either way I would love to know if it works for sure as I go through the process, bc at least i'll get healthier as I do it now anyway. Once I get to a break im going to stop drinking for 3 or so months with the diet and see what happens.
  6. alllgood

    chances I spread it to my partner

    Thank you! I've been feeling really sexually restricted as my ex and I hate using condoms while knowing we are only with each other and i dont want him to think he has to (I will tell him the stats) but I feel like me being me, wants to becasue I'm scared to pass it. but hearing people have intimate sex with some precautions and being safe helps me a lot. I hate feeling like a dirty bacteria that cant be touched without a barrier.. at least all the time.
  7. alllgood

    Confused about what I want and need

    I still thank you so much for this post. I haven't ended it yet, but it feels really unhealthy how he's treated me (we havent had sex so no disclosure) and I think this HSV keeping me from him is a blessing in disguise. I just want to enjoy my last year here, get my health together, and figure out my life.
  8. alllgood

    Confused about what I want and need

    Still struggling with this decision... as I told him I needed time to get back with him so he's been waiting... I just feel like we might not even last and Idk if I trust him like I used to, we're long distance and in college and idk I'm just scared itll be too easy for him to leave when he wants because of this issue and he might look at me like im gross. There's a lot of emotional immaturity with him still and as much as it breaks my heart IDT im going to follow through... It's probably for the best like all my friends and family say, so maybe having HSV is pushing me to realize what i really deserve instead of settling on someone I don't know will commit and stay for the long run. I was scared the HSV was pushing me from him in my head, but I feel like it might be clarity, that he really isn't good for me and if I didnt have it I'd just sleep with him without a care and get stuck in unhealthy relationship again. Keep me updated on what you decided!
  9. The amount of people on my campus that I do and don't know with it and I know do not disclose( or maybe they also don't know), is an unbelievable number. I mean the guy i contracted it from could've not known, but when I look back, I rememeber the situation being weird, almost like he intentionally did it to me. And now he is back with his ex after jumping around to soooo many girls, and I'm just thinking about how many he must've passed it to intentionally (A friend of a friend said she got something from him but never said what.. of course i knew what). My point is there are plenty more of them out there, and right now I want to focus on me but I never ever want to put someone through it like I had been. I think if I used all protection and anti virals with one night stands that should be ok... but if I plan to get in a relationship or back with my ex, that's where my situation gets sticky. I'm going to have to tell them at some point but I just don't know if im ready to trust ANYONE with it yet. I also am in the stage where, well why can't they deal like I am if I give it to them? But there's just something about putting a life long burden on someone that fucks with my head, whether i think its a big deal or not. I don't want to be looked at as their abuser or like i intentionally did, like i think the guy i was with did. IDK.... college makes it much harder than people think, its just like high school with the rumors and stigmas and I want to protect my self esteem until I'm ready to disclose as well. I'm glad I had someone else say it before me, I feel a lot better lol.
  10. Thank you for your guidance. As I am only 21 and resonating with the feelings with the girl above a lot more... I've also epxerienced the guilt of passing to someone before knowing and I can never forgive myself even though i hadnt had a clue. I would love to put myself first in this situation bc I'm with immature college boys that spread rumors, but that makes me realize it's not worth it until I find the right one.
  11. alllgood

    Natural cure??

    I actually have some hope in it. My problem with starting is I'm still in college and I don't want to ruin my last year experience by not partying and having fun like I should, especially if it doesn't work. I think I'm going to start my diet soon and see where it takes me. Have you already started this treatment?
  12. alllgood

    Natural cure??

    Ok I know this sounds crazy but I've been going back and forth debating on trying the 'James fights diseases" diets show on youtube. I can't tell if its a scam or not because he has many followers that support what he is saying. Can anyone on here tell me whether they've tried this approach to "curing" herpes? It's just a very big commitment since I'm in college and want to party and drink. I should've done it over summer but got skeptical about it again.
  13. alllgood

    Just diagnosed with HSV

    I was wondering this same thing. After my primary OB I was worrried I had touched my sore (not knowing it was herpes just ingrown hair) and touched my face, eyes, etc. I got my eyes looked at and there was nothing wrong just allergies but I always think I spread my herpes there and my mouth. I've always had extrmely chapped lips and occasionally little pimples around it but I can't tell if I'm crazy or if the blistering has become more frequent or if I just touch it more because I'm more aware and scared. I also thought I spread it to my hands through a cut because I have gotten itchy bumps on my hand but i showed my OBGYN and she didn't seem concerned and said to just worry about my genital outbreaks. I'm just scared im going to keep spreading it without knowing i have it all of these places. is there a way to get your mouth and things specifically checked?
  14. Ugh, I'm nervous this will happen to me... my problem is I can't tell if I'm making my decision baed on my emotions to dealing with this or if I really want to be with my ex. That is the only thing holding me back from being sexual and disclosing at this point. I don't want to open myself up completely to someone I care for so much and be destroyed with rejection but I can't tell if its just the rejection part im worried about or him too.. I'm so messed up with these feelings
  15. This is what stumps me as well, but then I keep in mind majority of people with the virus have no clue, so the statistic of 1in 4 or so women and 1 in 5 or so men in the US having herpes is actually more because we can't count for the people that don't know... Which is extremely comforting on the stigma level of it. I also keep in mind the sad fact about people who do know because of positive test results or one's that know because they've noticed symptoms but neglected testing due to fear, and are out there irresponsibly having sex without disclosure... and the one's not getting tested aren't getting the right treatment or advice on what to do are actually posing more risk. I'm not sure if the guy that passed it to me is aware as I ran so fast from the situation, but I almost feel as if he was because of how he went about our hook up. It still angers me that someone could so intentionally do this. I understand the fear of spreading it, but he wanted to get out of taking sexual precautions and jumps around to so many girls.