thanks guys! appreciate your comments. :)
i saw the guy i was going out/sleeping with before h last thursday and it turned out great. he knows i have h because he was the first guy i called and told to get tested. he was so cool during the whole disclosure talk over the phone and said he still wants to see me.
i met him on thursday, had dinner and went back to his place. while we were watching tv, i was so anxious because i knew that something would happen in just a matter of time. when he started touching and kissing my belly, i stopped him and asked if he is sure that he wants to do it. he said, yes. i asked him again, and again, and again. same answer. i was worried but let him do what he wanted. he went down on me like there was no tomorrow then put on a condom and had sex. btw, im taking acyclovir. when i was in the shower after, i cried. i dont really know why. but i guess, i was very emotional then because it was the first time i had sex since i tested positive with herpes. or maybe because i was so overwhelmed that he did what he did knowing the risks involved and didnt even bat an eyelash. i was more scared for him than he was for himself. or maybe because the experience made me realize that herpes is not really a factor if someone likes you and wants to be with you. it is you, your confidence, your personality... the whole package that makes you attractive and desirable, with or without herpes.
we ended the night with him asking if he can see me again next week. i dont really know how he feels about me but if its just about sex, im pretty sure he can get that from other women with less and/or no STD risks involved. we may or may not have a happy ending but that whole night was a clear validation that having herpes will not destroy your life. it will only do so if you allow it to take control of who you are. i think having herpes is a test of love... how much do you love yourself given your new circumstances?? how much do you love yourself to pick up the pieces and be a whole amazing person again if you wavered and had a moment of self-doubt??; is a test of trust... how much do you trust the person you are disclosing to?? how much trust are you willing to put on the table to give a relationship a chance??; is a test of relationship to family, friends and loved ones.
more than anything, i feel more confident now than ever before. my self-doubt and insecurities are overshadowed by that experience. of course, you dont need a man or sex to validate who you are but they definitely help in eradicating the stigma attached to stds, sex and relationships.
im sure its not going to be easy-breezy every time, but im very glad that my first was an awesome experience that gave me a kick-ass confidence level and whole lotta strength and encouragement. Loving oneself radiates confidence that is extremely beautiful.
Light and Love.