gracie

I absolutely love this! beautiful. Thank you for sharing it. It really resonates with me, and my own journey as well.

I totally second what Amando said! There really is no right or wrong way to disclose. Disclosing is the part of the journey that can help you regain control you have felt you lost, and empower you. It really is whatever you feel most comfortable with. It sounds like the person your seeing is receptive and open to the info on hsv, which is great. All you can do is try, and respect their decisions. It may result in something great - just make sure you don't get in your own way by stressing too much about it!

Hey there. I know things seem pretty dismal right now, but I just wanted to let you know that you can, and will have the future of your dreams, no matter what that dream is, as long as you want it. Be it a husband and kids, a career, friends, whatever. Having herpes does not change that you’re you, it just means you’ve got hsv. You are not tainted, not in the slightest. This is what this place, this forum and everyone is here for. To transform these thoughts into a literal opportunity. Almost 5 years after a diagnosis of gHSV2 I honestly consider it a wild blessing. Being a female at first I was devastated and felt verbatim how you described. I thought I would never be intimate with anyone again. I started trying to come around to dying alone one day. But then I decided that hsv doesn’t define me. I happen to have hsv, I’m a person who has herpes. But I’m really just me. I used to have a lot of trouble with relationships, due to anxiety and guilt and shame. Having hsv gives you a ticket to the fast lane to be honest with a partner and with yourself. It gives a partner an early opportunity in a relationship to show their true colors. If they are judgemental, or shameful, then it’s a good thing that you know so that you can move on from them as they were not worth your time and dedication regardless. Disclosing gives you an excuse to really get to know someone before becoming intimate in today’s hookup society. It also gives you the power to decide when you want to disclose, how you want to disclose, where and how you want to react. Being able to choose how to share these intimate parts of yourself with someone else is scary. You might think it sucks because hsv is ugly. But life can be ugly. If a partner isn’t ok with being with you because you have hsv, that’s ok. But maybe they want to compromise and keep dating without intimacy to figure it all out. Maybe they are ok with intimacy with condoms. Maybe they’re ok with taking all the risks. Maybe they are mean and condescending. Maybe they are polite. You won’t know how you, or anyone else responds until you ask and start to heal yourself, and return this power to yourself. You are a whole person. You have hsv. These things are both true and ok and I’m no way are they wrong or shameful or make you tainted or unlovable. Here if you need anything. Good luck.

I had gone home for winter break from college my sophomore year and seen an older guy I really had feelings for in my home city. Once I came back to school, about a month later, maybe six weeks, I had the worst flu I’ve ever had. Except it wasn’t the flu it felt like death and it was just so unlike any other sickness I had ever experienced. The week after I started to feel better I thought I had a typical yeast infection, maybe a cut or ingrown hair too and was due for a gyno checkup. She did a swab on what felt like the “cut” I guess it was actually a sore and bingo! HSV type 2, genital. I called him after the appointment and he wasn’t surprised. I asked if he had it and he said he didn’t know but wasn’t going to get tested and I haven’t spoken to him since.

Im not sure if I’m misunderstanding the wording of your text, @Notgoingthere but male-to-female transmission is almost NEVER as high as 25%, let alone 50% unless during an active outbreak. You really should avoid sex during an outbreak because a condom will not be likely to significantly lower chances of transmission during an outbreak anyway... male-to-female transmission is generally 10% risk, assuming no condom, no antivirals and no outbreak. You can lower this 10% by using antivirals and/or condoms. Theoretically, you can get male-to-female transmission as low as 1.4% but we’re also talking about human bodies, which are ridiculously variable! So a more accurate figure would be a range, depending on your own preferences and those of your partner. You can get hsv2 from oral sex. I don’t know the stats on that, I just know it’s rare. Like really rare. Hsv1 May or May not have preventative properties against contractive hsv2. Cool stuff, seeing as though nearly half the human population already has hsv1. From personal experience: 3 year relationship, female (hsv2, genital) and male (hsv negative) we don’t use any protection and do literally everything under the moon in terms of intimacy. I do take daily antivirals, and avoid any form of touching/intercourse when having an outbreak. Hope this helps, good luck!

For me personally, I get prodrome symptoms more often than I get outbreaks and it’s a great indicator on how to stop the OB from happening via antivirals (talk to your doc about valtrex if you’re interested in that!) since taking the antiviral daily since I was diagnosed some ~5 years ago I’ve had maybe a handful of actual outbreaks. Without the antivirals I honestly feel like I probably would have had a lot more. Also just posted this on another post about prodrome symptoms- for me personally after I contracted hsv2, genital (I had the flu-like onset, whole shebang) I also just became really sensitive to soaps, detergents, fabrics anywhere on my genital/groin region. Even my partner (who I live with) uses the same soap to aid in the sensitivity down there. Finding the most agreeable type and standardizing to all the same detergents, soaps and fabrics has helps with the prodrome symptoms a lot. Especially itchiness!! Hope this helps some. Always here for you.

I can really relate to this. I also get constant symptoms like this, and think a lot of it has to do with pH balance! For me it’s really not so much bothersome as just plain annoying. Like I wish I could just tell my vagina to cut it out because I’m busy. Thank you so much @Emd44 for the suggestion I’m definitely going to try luvena. For me personally after getting hsv ~5ish years ago I just realized that I’m more sensitive to a lot of things that bring on the prodrome symptoms. I have to use a specific detergent, fabric softener has to be the same brand as detergent (I use gain everything) even dryer sheets, soap even if I’m not getting it around down there can’t be anything but mild/natural stuff. I still haven’t found a brand of pantyliner/tampon that doesn’t cause me to feel like I’m about to get the worst outbreak of my life. But it never comes. Just the symptoms. Weird stuff. Anyway, my suggestion is def to pay attention to your soaps/fabrics/personal sensitivities. Hope this helps a bit!!

Hey! Just wanted to let you know that this situation is not uncommon- reading your experience really resonated with me. I wanted to ask you, does he know you may have hsv-2 genitally? No shame if not disclosing, especially since it seems you’ve had very conflicting test results! It seems like part of what might be bothering you though is his reaction. It might help if you talked to him about it in an open, honest way? Although it would be a real bummer to loose him as an intimate partner, make sure you consider if you’d want him as a partner if he would react badly. Especially if he is someone who would shame you. That seems like unwanted stress! On on the flip side of things, what I meant about resonating with you- I was very much in a similar position partner-wise about two years ago. I had a male H- partner (I’m female and have Hsv2, genital) but take valtrex daily as well. He also didn’t want a relationship, we were casual for about 7 months and ended amicably due to unrelated reasons to hsv. I had an extreme outbreak with him, and one minor, and told him from the beginning what was going on. He had a blood&physical test done before we became intimate (to confirm he didn’t have it already), during- while we were apart for awhile and he wanted to see someone else, and after we split and never once had hsv1 or 2! Same regime for me, a few minor outbreaks here and there, a new monogamous partner of 3 years now and he has also not gotten hsv1 or 2, at least as of last January. Unprotected sex in both circumstances, agreed upon by all parties even with comprehensive info about hsv. So don't lose hope yet! But also make sure that your personal needs are being met (you’re with someone who will respect YOU, no matter what) and try to be as honest as possible. Good luck, and remember we’re always here for you.

Yes, I've been in three intimate relationships where my H- partner has not been transmitted H. I am a female, so I believe that makes the stats lower as all my partners since my H+ status have been men. As soon as I found out about my + status I started on Valcyclovir daily. Whenever I feel so much as an ingrown hair (aka any symptoms that might correspond to an outbreak) I start to take double doses of Valcyclovir (as discussed per my doctor) and this has seemed to prevent most outbreaks. When I happen to feel a possible outbreak I'll wait a few days to have sex with my partner as well. One partner was a one-time, no condom, and verbally says they do not have it. The second was an off-and-on friends with benefits type situation for over half a year, and we both got full panel tests done every three months, including after the last time we were intimate. His IgG blood tests showed H- the whole way through. My current partner, whom I've been with for over a year and will likely be with for the rest of my life (hopefully!) has just the IgG blood tests done every few months, and a swab if he feels something is not right. This way he can be put on anti-virals if he does happen to get it. But after a year, he is still H- every time, all tests. After disclosing with all these partners and personal preferences, personal histories and trusting past panels, most encounters were no-condom. Specifically my previous partner, whom I was with for months at a time, and my current partner who I am still with for over a year. So yeah, it's def possible to not transmit.

Hi! Great idea to be on antivirals if you're thinking about not using a condom, as that's an awesome extra protection against transmission. The rates vary from male-to-female transmission or female-to-male, and same-sex transmission I don't think the study has been published quite yet. It all depends on what exactly is going on when you're having sex. It's hard to get an exact number because the way the virus sheds and how it is received by an uninfected person. For example, female-to-male transmission is considered less "risk" of transmission because males have significantly less exposed mucous membranes during intercourse that come into contact with possibly infected fluids. I hope that makes sense. Antivirals in general help this scenario by limiting/cutting down on the amount of shedding that happens. Personally, as soon as I my current partner (male) and I (female) had a disclosure talk, we decided on unprotected sex. While condoms help, they do not completely cut the risk of HSV transmission, and together we made the choice that if we were both ok with the risk in the first place, then we would rather have unprotected sex anyway. While it would be great to minimize risk as much as possible, as long as your partner is ok with it, and you have both agreed and consented and all questions are answered, then you don't have to feel guilty about possibly giving them H. I've been with my partner for over a year now and we lead a very... active sex life. Like very very active. And we've never used condoms, ever. At his last checkup, he was clear for HSV-1 and HSV-2. He's never gotten oral cold sores, and has never had any symptoms or signs of HSV-2 in the genital area. Good luck!!

hey @Jackattack- recently mine has gone away, and I've seriously increased my fiber. Went to the GI and they diagnosed me with an anal fissure - not sure if that's exactly what this was or could have contributed to it because I'd always had bowel issue- i think it just made everything worse/more tender down there, but I haven't had many problems since I started taking a fiber supplement!! So it's worth a shot??

YESSS This is the kind of stories I live for. GO YOU! So awesome. I hope it continues on wonderfully! And @Next step there's a lot to be said by the last few statements: some people do "freak out" about the simple word "herpes" or HSV and would rather take their chances not knowing if a partner has it... therefore a lot of people end up getting it and transmitting it without knowing it, for years or decades at a time. Especially mild cases. Knowing your positive may scare some people away, but it does give them the right to choose, instead of ending up here like many of us- unknowingly contracting it from someone who otherwise took their chances due to fear of the stigma.

I actually also get this! It's very painful at the most random times, too- not always during sex, but while sitting or if I open/twist my leg a certain way it lets me know I have a cut-like thing there. I try to make for easier bowel movements (to relieve pressure in the whole area- I've just had problems with this in the past) and healthier eating too, and make sure to keep it clean. I can usually get it to heal for a few days, a few weeks at best but it does come back eventually. My first outbreak was like this, like a paper-cut almost but this I really do think is different somehow because of it's duration, but I don't know why or how. It doesn't bring on the other symptoms of an outbreak or maybe getting used to them? I also take daily Valtrex, more than a year or so. Best of luck, let me know if anything else works.

I noticed that this is one of the most viewed posts on the forum, which says something, I think, so I wanted to share that you can - indeed be successful in dating those that don't have HSV, even with the stigma. I think it comes down to the basis of this website and what the goal of it's message is - really an opportunity. Before I was diagnosed I had been in a serious relationship before, as well as other relationships that weren't so serious. During this time of my life I was going to therapy regularly for anxiety problems, and one of my main recurring themes was "why does this relationship thing never work out with my partners?" It wasn't until after I got diagnosed with HSV-2 that I was able to sort out my own personal problems with dating and find someone who I now live with and can honestly say I never thought I could love this much. In it's own strange way, H gave me a way of weeding out people who were not right for me. I was able to become more aware of who I was dating before going further into relationships with them, by disclosing when I chose to and how I chose to. It was kind of like a form of empowerment on my part, because I finally felt in control, even though I know when I got first diagnosed, as a lot of people fee,l it seems like the opposite of control. When I met my current partner, I disclosed after about two months of dating, and gave him the information on HSV available on this site and others. He took his time to look into it, get himself tested to make sure he didn't already have it, and came back to me within a week to talk to me about it again. We had a serious conversation about transmission rates, and how I was taking antivirals every day, when my last outbreak was, what it was like, etc. He told me then, like he tells me now, since we see a future together it really doesn't matter to him if he gets it or not. Even if it doesn't work out, it would never be a determining factor in what split us apart. Before my current partner, I had three instances after my diagnosis where I disclosed and it did not work out. The first I was completely rejected and belittled for having HSV. That was the first person I disclosed to, and put me in a position where I did not want to seriously date for a while. The other two I disclosed and one politely (seriously, was very nice about it) declined as it was not looking to be serious anyway. The second had no problems and we were in a relationship for several months before it ended for completely unrelated reasons.

Hey! Also really love the tone of your post toward the end! You've already got it figured out- you're still you, so don't let it get in your way. Not a veteran by any means, but about 2 years here with HSV. 1. As far as natural treatments, I'm not super sure. Generally just keeping your most afflicted areas clean, even when nothing is wrong. And if you want to look into it, antivirals can do wonders. 2. I drink at least two cups of coffee a day so I feel like that's a choice based on triggers! It would definitely increase my stress more if I didn't have the coffee, I think, so you've gotta do what's best for you! 3. I take daily antivirals, and when or if I feel an outbreak coming on, I take a double dose for three days or however long it lasts. Most of the time, it stops the OB in the tracks and I've seen a dramatic decrease in outbreaks since my first. 4. I'm a runner too! I would just suggest running, then taking off any tight clothing after ward. I personally like wearing leggings/etc while running because anything too loose seems to irritate me more. But as soon as I'm done running, I hop in the shower immediately, not sitting around in the clothes, etc. It sounds like you've got a really good attitude about life in general! I don't think anything can stop you.