lovechild03

@Justine1984 Thank you so much for asking the EXACT questions I needed answers to... Literally... Right down to the "licking each other's herpes" part. lmao I have met someone on a dating/support site for us positive (+) people (almost all STD types). It's called positive singles.com if anyone is curious. So, we both have HSV 2 (G). He is absolutely dope in every way imaginable. I could 99.99% see us spending the rest of our lives together. We have not gotten to the sexual stage of things as of yet. But, we're pretty damn close! lol I have this yearning to satisfy and be be in the moment with him, free of worry. I really needed to know if we could truly be free in exploring each other sexually. This thread gave me so much hope and confidence. Thank you all! P.S. If anyone has references on sex life with mutual HSV 2 partners, feel free to share! Google's got me f$%&! up right now with all of these unrelated search results.

@Sumshine you are so right! It took a minute for the smoke to clear and for me to see his character in its totality. He was charming, hilarious and seemingly compassionate. That's what hooked me in. But I see now without the rose colored lenses how he really is. He was forceful the entire time. He is now blaming & threatening me for everything. I see the good in everyone... to a fault. Thank you for your words of wisdom.

@Stupida almost 5 years. Not my first rodeo; I've had great experiences with disclosure except for this one.

@beBravebeBOLD @Donteattheworm and @Stupida I literally come to this page at least twice a day to read your responses. They have been my only solace. I don't think I can begin to describe how thankful I am for you all. Thank you again, a million times over. ❤

Update: He sent a text stating if he tests positive for HSV he WILL sue. And he has the proof in our disclosure convrrsation online. At this point, I'm just numb.

@Stupida Hi 🙂 I do appreciate your realism and reminder of the harsh truth. It is what it is. I can't sugar coat it if I really want to deal with these consequences and move forward. I definitely explained that this information was very sensitive and I asked if he'd be okay deleting the messages. He said he would. He hasn't yet. I apologized multiple times, acknowledged his feelings were of course valid and offered my support, but he's not trying to hear it right now. I understand fully. So I am giving him space with hopes that sometime we can talk this out... and ultimately make amends.

@beBravebeBOLD thank you so much for your kind words! They really have helped ease my anxiety, even if for a short while. I appreciate you. ❤ Like you, I also exclusively saved my energy for those I could see a long term relationship with. I have had much experience disclosing (some casual hook ups). My approach was always to disclose most definitely before any kind of sexual activity when I felt I could trust a person with this information (again, small town where everyone basically knows of everyone else). So basically I always made sure to take things slow with lots of conversation to get to know of this person's character, this trustworthiness, xomoassion, open mindedness...etc. I had a whole formula. It seemed to work wonderfully. This hasn't been my first rodeo since my diagnosis. I think that's what makes me even more disappointed in myself. I have been great with disclosing my status before any sexual activity. Men were surprisingly understanding and even knowledgeable about HSV despite being (allegedly) negative for it themselves. A couple of them stated they had exes with HSV. Very importantly, I'd always practice safer sex. This current time was just so fast. But I also had so many opportunities to disclose within the 24 hours before we met up (and during the hangout too). Over the phone I would be this close👌🏽 to getting the words out... But I really liked him. I could see us moving further, possibly into a relationship. The shame kicked in hard, then I would chicken out and tell myself I was going to tell him if we take that step towards any form of intimacy. I am also conflicted because ai feel like this encounter was mkre on the side of sexual assault. As much as I wanted to do it, I physically pushed him away with a serious tone for most of the encounter, which brings me back to my sexual assault that led to my HSV diagnosis. My attempts to explain my HSV diagnosis before sex were hushed. I am confused, full of guilt but angry at him for not listening to me when I tried to push him away and verbally tell him why. My last desperate resort was the stupid glove. I tried. My efforts were futile though, so that realization brings me right back to the guilt and anguish. I also have severe clinical depression and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. I have made so much progress with depressive episodes in the past year... I feel that progress is unraveling and my mental mental health is declining rapidly. I reallly don't want to end up back in the psychiatric hospital for severe depression. I want to practice better self care, but that motivation.... It's like -50.

I started messaging with a guy whose family I know. That same day, hours into the online conversation, after much convincing from him, I said he could come over to hang out. I made my boundaries clear from the beginning about no sex, but did not explain why. I did not plan to have sex. I wasn't even sure if I'd like him let alone trust him enough with info as sensitive as my HSV2 diagnosis in such a small town. (It would have been wiser to go with my gut here). Well, the hang out got hot and heavy real fast. Even then I spent a good majority of the time pushing him away (although I wanted to go further). I kept telling him "I have my reasons... Don't you want to know why?" Those words he completely ignored. So I said to myself "Okay I feel super ashamed as I am already naked. I really wanna do this, too. If we use protection he should be okay." I told him to get a condom. He brought none and refused to go across the street to busy some. Then I thought quickly and grabbed latex gloves in the kitchen. They seemed to be working fine. When we're finished that's when he told me the makeshift condom broke halfway through but he was in the moment. So he kept going without telling me of the break. I was mortified. Almost 2 weeks later I finally had the guts to disclose via dms online. He seemed concerned yet understanding at first. But I think the more he read HSV information online the angrier he became. He said I am a "f***d up person" for not telling him right away despite my attempts to. But I agree. I could have pushed him abruptly and said "I can't do this" with or without an explanation. I took the choice away from him to protect himself in the manner he was comfortable with. He said he "f*****ng* hates" me and "regrets ever talking to" me. I tried desperately to calm him and explain the dynamics of HSV but he will not pick up my phone calls. All things aside, he actually is such a sweet, caring person. I feel tremendous guilt for the pain I am the cause of. I'm rapidly falling into a deep depression. I cannot eat nor sleep. And if I do sleep I wake up drenched in sweat. I am terrified of being publicly exposed. And even worse I feel horribly guilty about possibly giving him HSV. And even if he had HSV before sex with me the blame will automatically be put on me. I hope he doesn't have it. That way we can just both go our separate ways in peace. Any advice on steps I can take to make things okay with him, even if we don't pursue further friendship or a romantic relationship? I want to be there for him. He doesn't have to go through this alone like I did. That's the worst. Thanks for your help. ❤