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brown-eyes

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  1. I’m looking for advice on how and when to disclose to a new partner. I want to date, but the idea of disclosing and potentially being rejected holds me back. I’m scared to go on dates knowing that my status will be sitting in the back of my mind and I feel like I’m lying to my date by not disclosing and letting them get to know me otherwise. It just doesn’t seem fair to keep this secret to myself, but at the same time don’t want to be like, “hey nice to meet you, by the way I have herpes”. I’m honestly just so frustrated that someone gave me herpes without telling me and now I have this responsibility to tell other people about it for the rest of my life. I don’t want to be alone forever, but I’m also not looking forward to telling potential partners until I find someone who is okay with my status. I know that having herpes doesn’t define me, but I can’t help but feel like I’m a walking dealbreaker.
  2. thank you for the reply and advice! i decided to sum up what i needed to share with him in a text in order to give him the time and space needed to process. his response was short and he asked a few questions about what it means for him, but i’m just glad i got a response. he could’ve easily just ignored me or gotten really upset, but he didn’t and that brought some relief. i’m now playing the waiting game to see if he will decide we can continue to get to know each other or if he doesn’t want to take the risk and would rather part ways. this stage seems to be a bit tougher than the original disclosure since everything is up to him, but i feel like i did all that i could to try and make the situation right. obviously i hope he’ll be willing to look past this, but only time will tell!
  3. i was with a new partner last night on a first date and we ended up going back to his place. one thing led to another and we became intimate even though that wasn’t my intention. i know the importance of disclosing and am feeling really guilty that i let myself get wrapped up in the moment. i was originally diagnosed with ghsv-1 in 2018 and haven’t had any outbreaks following my initial outbreak 5 years ago so i don’t really think about it much anymore. not an excuse, but it’s the truth. i’m stuck between continuing to avoid the disclosure and potentially ruining everything with a guy that i’m starting to really like. i feel like i know the basic facts and info to answer any questions he’d have, but i’m anxious that he’ll feel betrayed or mad that i didn’t disclose before we slept together. i’ve even debated just ghosting him (a tad dramatic) but in my head that would hurt less than being rejected at this moment. if anyone has any advice or helpful words, it would be much appreciated!
  4. The other day I disclosed my GHSV1 status for a third time and I think I can finally say that it was a success! My first two didn't go over very well, so I was definitely pretty nervous to disclose for a third time, to someone I care a lot about. The first time I disclosed was a complete disaster because it was to a guy I was seeing and I happened to experience my very first outbreak during that time. I was extremely transparent and explained all of the stats and facts of my new diagnosis and he decided that I was not worth the risk to be with. We hadn't slept together yet and I could tell he was extremely relieved that we hadn't. I really got down on myself about it because not only was I struggling to cope with my outbreak and the emotional trauma that came with it, I faced my first rejection post-diagnosis just 2 days after my test results came back positive. This guy who I thought was a really nice and caring guy, turned around and basically called me disgusting. He told me he was going to get tested and then make his decision about me based on what his results were. I couldn't believe how insensitive he was being and it was all about him...not once did he ask me how I was doing or if I was okay. He ended up ghosting me a few days later and while that really stung in the moment, I am now glad that he is no longer in my life because he clearly was not the right guy for me. My second disclosure was a bit lukewarm. I wanted to get a bit more practice disclosing, so I decided to tell a guy friend of mine who I am not particularly close with. We would talk periodically, but we were nothing more than platonic. I asked him if he knew what HSV was and he didn't, so I explained that it was also known as herpes and that I recently found out that I am positive. His first response was, "Oh, that sucks. I'm sorry to hear that." My mood kinda fell flat after that because I wasn't expecting much from him, but thought I'd at least get a little bit more of a reaction. He asked me a few of the basic questions: how you get it, how can it be passed on, etc. but I could tell that he really wasn't interested in hearing about it, so I stopped and changed the subject. We hardly talk anymore. Again, not too upset about it, but I was basically 0-2 in the disclosing game. My third and most recent disclosure honestly went better than I imagined it would. I disclosed to a currently long distance friend with benefits that I really care about, let's call him Ben. I was terrified at the thought of telling him and having him reject me. My friends really supported me telling him and had been gently prodding me to have the conversation with him for the past few weeks. I was on the fence about it (I always wanted to tell him, but just hadn't worked out when the right time would be) and knew I needed to do it soon. One night, I was laying in bed thinking about it and just decided to bite the bullet and text Ben. I asked if he had a moment to talk because there was something I had been needing to tell him. He asked me what was up and I started to type out my long winded intro, but was taking a bit long I guess because then he asked if something was wrong. I told him kind of, but potentially not if he would let me explain the whole thing. I hit send on the message and closed my eyes, bracing for his response. 2 seconds later, my phone starts buzzing in my hand because I had an incoming call from Ben. I couldn't believe that he called me without even knowing what the problem was, just that something was potentially wrong. I take a deep breath and start to explain how I found out about my HSV and some of the basic facts about it. Ben let me get my initial rambling out without interrupting me, paused for a second and then calmly says, "Okay, are you okay?" and I knew right then that this conversation was going to be alright. He asked me questions about transmission, how likely I am to pass it on and asked if there was any way that he may have given it to me and not known. He also said that he wants to do his own research so that he can get a better understanding of what HSV is. We talked about the last time he was tested and I explained how HSV isn't usually on the basic panel and he told me that he wanted to go get tested again specifically to see if he tests positive. Ben told me that for now he doesn't want to stress too much about it, but if he has it, he has it and if he doesn't, he doesn't. He never once raised his voice or made me feel judged or gross or like he was blaming me for this situation. He didn't accuse me of possibly giving it to him, but instead said that in the grand scheme of things, having herpes isn't the worst thing to have and that he honestly thought I was going to say that I was pregnant. We kinda joked around about a few things and I was so happy to have him try to make light of such a scary situation especially since I had dropped a bit of a bomb on him. Ben wrapped up the conversation by saying that he appreciated me telling him and that he would keep me updated on what happens with his tests. We said our goodbyes and as we hung up, I let out the hugest sigh of relief...I did it! I couldn't believe that I finally disclosed to Ben after about a month of constant worrying. Ben's still going to be gone for a couple more months and I'm hoping during that time, he's able to work through this on his end and that we'll be able to continue seeing each other when he comes back. I'm very nervous to see what happens next because there's still a chance that he will choose to walk away, which is completely up to him. I told Ben that I don't want this to change things between us or make things weird, but that I understand if it does. HSV may no longer be a huge deal to me now that I've accepted my diagnosis, but if he doesn't want to risk it, that is a decision I won't be able to change. I will be over the moon if Ben decides to continue seeing me because he is a really great guy and it would suck to lose him over something like this. A small part of me is still holding onto that sliver of hope that he'll be willing to move things forward, but I'll just have to wait and see. Even if nothing happens for me and Ben after this, I can at least for now hold onto the bliss of my first successful disclosure 🙂
  5. Hi @Ms. Congeniality! I'm sorry to hear that your bf may have also contracted genital herpes, I haven't been in the same situation but I think it's important that you just try to be as supportive of him as he was for you when you first found out. It's definitely not an easy thing to deal with, both physically and emotionally (as I'm sure you know), but what got me through my first outbreak was definitely the support of people close to me. You guys can be in this together and who knows, it may even bring you closer!
  6. @Amando thank you for the well wishes! I am definitely still very nervous to tell him, but I know there's no way to avoid it. I wasn't given a choice in the situation that resulted in my diagnosis (it was consensual but I don't know whether the guy knew he was a carrier or not) and I would never take that decision away from someone else even if it means that the relationship may not continue. Of course hoping for the best, but I won't know until the conversation actually takes place!
  7. I mean it's possible that he has it, not completely sure. Due to certain circumstances, I know that he is not the one that passed it to me though
  8. Hi, I have HSV1 and had the same question. Trying to figure out if a partner can contract oral herpes from performing oral on me. Sorry if this was answered above because the answers still had me confused 😕
  9. Hi all! Pretty new to all of this, was recently diagnosed a few weeks ago with genital HSV1. I'm a 22 year old female and would love to have someone around my age (20s) with the same type as me to discuss things with. Not having too much trouble with the physical symptoms, but the emotional effects of this have been a bit tough. Please feel free to message me if you'd like to chat 🙂
  10. @22&Depressed please let me know if you figure any of it out! There's so much to learn about this virus and it's kinda making my head spin trying to understand it all.
  11. @LM_93 thank you so much for your advice! I've been really struggling with figuring out what to say, so your outline has really helped. If you don't mind my asking, did you disclose in person or via text and was your disclosure a success? I know texting seems like a bit of a cop out, but I feel it would be better so that he can react and not have to worry about me seeing. This is terrifying enough as it is, but I know that anyone really worth my time will be able to see past this and accept me as I am.
  12. I am a female that was recently diagnosed with genital HSV1 and I had a few questions on how exactly I could possible transmit it to a partner. If a partner were to perform oral on me, can it lead to oral HSV1 for him? Also can it be passed between genitals? How high are the transmission rates for both oral and regular sex and are the rates higher for oral vs regular? Just want to be clear so I can be careful and lower my chances of passing this on to an uninfected partner. Thanks!
  13. Hi all, I am a girl who is in a bit of an interesting situation and would love any input that I can get. I was recently diagnosed (about 2 weeks ago) with genital HSV1 due to a minor outbreak and have not been able to pinpoint when or who may have passed this to me. My gynecologist said that my sexual activity and outbreak didn't line up, so it's most likely that I've been carrying the virus for a while and somehow triggered it a few weeks ago. I am now trying to figure out the best time and way to disclose my new status to a long distance partner. We are not in an exclusive relationship, we are friends with benefits and had been seeing each other for about 6 months before he was deployed in June. We are planning on continuing our arrangement when he gets back in December and I am also hoping to potentially start an actual relationship with him. I really care about this guy and have been dreading telling him out of the fear that he won't take the news well and will reject me. It is very possible that I had the HSV during the time that we've been intimate and I just wasn't aware because I hadn't yet had an outbreak. Now that I know, I feel that it is something I need to share with him. I of course want to continue seeing him, but I am scared that this will completely turn him off. I have been trying to decide if it's better to tell him now while he's still away or if I should wait to tell him when I see him in a few months. If I tell him now, I figured it would give him the chance to process the information on his own terms and he could take all the time he needs to make a decision on whether he is willing to take the risk of continuing our relationship. It would have to be over text, which I know is not the most ideal (calling or FaceTime are not options as we are not on that sort of level due to how casual our situation is). I had already been planning on having a conversation with him on where he sees us (if he wants to date or just continue being friends with benefits), but I now have this whole other conversation that also needs to take place. I'm sure the best way to disclose is in person, but I'm not sure waiting is a good idea. I don't want him to think that I was hiding this or to get angry that I waited such a long time to say something. I also don't want to be a mood killer and try to have the HSV conversation when our meeting in December would clearly be to hook up. I think there's a chance that he will be understanding of my situation, but of course there's no way to be completely sure until I actually disclose. I'm really hoping someone can help me find the best way to break the news because I'm scared of losing him. I want to inform him about HSV and show him that I understand my status without overwhelming him. I know that there's always a chance of transmission, but I want to do whatever I can to keep him as safe as possible and uninfected. This guy is the first person I've ever had real feelings for and could actually see a future with, so the thought of my diagnosis ruining my chances with him is completely devastating. Thank you to anyone who has read this, please let me know your thoughts.
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