newtothis22

I’ve had HSV-1 for almost 6 years now as well as HPV and it’s changed my view of sex and intimacy. I was oblivious to the health dangers before and now I’ve gone the other way and I’m very self aware. My disclosure history is a little rocky. The first girl I told after sex (wrong I know) and I was a wreck telling her but she forgave me and we had a 2 year relationship. After that I told one girl I was casually speaking to, nothing happened between us but I got it out the way early. My most recent ex I told after a few dates, at just the right point because I’d started developing feelings for her. We went on to have a 1 year relationship that I’m still getting over. More recently I’ve tried online dating but I’m not looking for a relationship. I got close to someone who wanted to be intimate and pushed it away. The longer I left it the harder it got. We did some foreplay and it made me feel even worse. I finally decided to tell her and got the “we’ll talk tomorrow” reply. I’m not sure where her heads at but I doubt I’ll sleep tonight. I'm really struggling with disclosing when it’s only casual but I enjoy going on dates. But if I don’t tell them it feels like I’m leading them on and being deceitful. Any advice or words of kindness appreciated.

Thanks for your reply @mr_hopp I’ve been on this forum a while and I’ve had the highs and lows of dealing with this virus. The lows of feeling like no one will ever accept me and the highs when they do. My last two relationships accepted my condition and I’m fortune enough to have never been rejected for it but I know this isn’t always the case. Taking it slow seems to work well for me at the moment. It means I have time to get to know people better, and as it has in the past the right time will eventually come for that talk. My biggest battle is having it in person, I’ve always done it over text so it would be a big achievement for me and help my confidence massively. Maybe none of these dates will work out, maybe one of them will turn out to be the love of my life. But if I don’t at least try I’ll never know.

I’ve recently started dating again using an app, and it’s given me the opportunity to socialise with some really nice girls. Nothing has gone beyond a kiss yet, and I’m not sure exactly what I’m looking for, mainly a connection and to see it leads but I’m definitely in no rush for a relationship. There’s been 2/3 girls that have stood out to me so far, we have a great connection and go on a date once a week, although it’s still early days and only a couple of dates in. My thinking was to see how it goes and only disclose if things look like they might get physical. Their reaction will definitely help know if they are someone I want to keep in my life. If things do reach that level I’ll call things off with the other dates but I think it’s a good way to test our connection. Has anyone else had a similar experience and how did it work out? I’m definitely not ready for this chat with any of them yet but I hope this technique will work for me because I’ve never really dated multiple girls before.

I recently came out of a relationship, I didn't want it to end but it was her decision and being alone is scaring me. It's not the first time I've been through this but all those "forever alone" thoughts are flooding back and the thought of disclosing again seems too hard to bare. Anyone been through something similar and have any advice? I'm trying to focus on myself more than anything but it's a future thought that worries me

It can take a long time to process and the mental trauma can be far worse than the physical symptoms! Give it time, allow yourself to be sad, angry, frustrated and all the emotions you need to let out because it does suck but it will get better. I know it doesn't feel like it but you will feel yourself again. I'm only 26 and I was devastated a few years back, not only did I found out I had herpes but warts too. It took some time to process but after my first disclosure it got easier. I soon found out people I know, even friends and an old housemate had it, that 1 in 5 statistic is real.

@Bloomer I’ve not had any issues down there in a while but a few years back I’d get irritation, red skin and sometimes small white-head type spots. I’ve been diagnosed with warts in the past, but never herpes. The spots I got were also previously diagnosed as molluscum which isn’t an STI. I was just still nervous and unconvinced it wasn’t herpes back then so I did a blood test and it told me I had HSV-1. I’d never had cold sores before so assumed it was genital but now I’ve come out with my first cold sore.

Hi, 26 y/o male from UK here and had herpes for around 4 years. Drop me a message 💙

Thanks @LosingHope ❤️

I’ve recently developed what a pharmacist believes to be a coldsore on my lip. This has confused me because I’ve never had one before, I have HSV-1 (confirmed via blood test) but I self diagnosed it as genital due to past spots/irritation in my genital area. Is it possible for me to carry it both orally and genitally? I guess I’ll carry on assuming it’s both without really knowing. When I passed it on to an ex partner perhaps it was through oral sex. This makes me nervous to be intimate with my current “negative” girlfriend. Has anyone else ever experienced having both oral and genital herpes and how do you handle it day to day?

@chapstick1520 I know, and this is what others would tell me too. In my new relationship I was honest from the start and we’re stronger for it. With my ex I didn’t tell her immediately but later down the line after we’d been intimate (wrong of me I know) but I somehow feel this could convince her it’s okay to do the same. I’ve learn from it but I’m not sure she has.

I recently had a catch up with my ex-girlfriend (someone whom I’d given herpes) and she mentioned to me that she’d recently had a couple of one night stands. I didn’t ask for any details but I’m just concerned she’s not been safe. I can’t imagine her disclosing this whilst drunk and she’s in turn putting them at risk. Hearing this has put me in a difficult situation because I don’t want to get too involved in her decision making. I’m in a new relationship now and she might misconstrue what I’m trying to say but it puts a really bad taste in my mouth thinking about the risk to others. She was never phased when I told her I have it even giving her the facts but this leads me to believe she doesn’t see it as a big of a deal than I always have. My current girlfriend would just tell me to leave it to her, and I don’t want me getting involved to cause any issues between us but I feel it’s my moral duty. Any advice welcomed 🙂

I’m in a new and happy relationship with a girl who accepted my condition. We are being very cautious when it comes to sexual activities, as we should, but I’m struggling to get as much enjoyment as I’d hoped and feel a bit of FOMO. Don’t get me wrong we are very sexually compatible and in a sense that makes it worse. Due to my HSV-1 we don’t do oral sex even with protection so foreplay doesn’t usually last very long so the excitement isn’t always built up enough. I get jealous she would’ve done more with partners in the past and that we can’t be like that, it then eats away at me and I hate myself for having this virus. It’s a vicious cycle and I’m just not sure what to do because I don’t want to make her feel bad either.

I recently went on a first date with a girl I met out a couple of weeks ago. I’ve not had a proper “date” since I was diagnosed a few years ago so it made me very anxious. We went out for drinks and had a really fun night, ending up in a club and had a kiss. But she made one comment that really got to me, it was along the lines of “you don’t want to catch herpes” when I left my drink unattended as if that was the worst case scenario. I know it was only meant as a joke but it gave me that sinking feeling and brought me back to reality where I started doubting she would like me if she knew. It even made me feel guilty for kissing her despite my HSV-1 being genital. Later that night I was worried I had a spot near my lip and it just really freaked me out. Of course nothing happened beyond this except spending the night together fully clothed but I don’t know if or when I should tell her. My situation is bad because not only do I have herpes but I have HPV and also my ex-girlfriend caught herpes from me which makes the 1% chance seem a lot higher. I’m sure things will get easier but right now it’s putting me off dating ☹️

Thank you Grace, that’s a very informative response and I really appreciate being able to open up to someone about it… even if they are a stranger on the internet 😂 I will have to have a think about things going forwards and what is best for the both of us. All the best 😅

I had been in a relationship with my then girlfriend for over two years and we recently went through a rough patch. Basically she betrayed my trust by crossing the line with someone else and our relationship ended. I told her from the start I had herpes and a few months into our relationship she contracted it too. But ever since it's been over I've had overwhelming feelings of loneliness and guilt knowing she now has it for the rest of her life. What she did wasn't a full betrayal and I know a lot of people can get over it but I generally don't think I can, I'm the sort of person who will let it eat away at me. The guilt also comes from the fact earlier on in our relationship I wasn't fully sure if she was the one for me but I didn't end it there and prevent her catching it from me. There's a big part of me that wants to give it another shot but I'm not sure if that's the herpes talking and the fear of being alone. We still talk and she wants us to get back together but I feel like if I do then it may never be the same. Has anyone been in a similar situation or can offer some advice? My head has been pretty scrambled these past few weeks

Hey I feel you, it's a very difficult situation especially when you start developing strong feelings for that person. But it's also likely they are developing strong feelings for you and herpes shouldn't stand in the way of that. Any mature person will understand that it isn't a big deal. I disclosed last year after spending a lot of time with someone, not telling her while we were getting closer was eating away at me so I decided to set a date that I would tell her and make sure I stick to it. It went really well, she understood and it didn't change anything between us. "We do not fear the unknown. We fear what we think we know about the unknown." Don't assume someone will reject you or respond badly. Tell it in a way that doesn't make it seem like a big deal, because it isn't. If they're not education on it they will likely ask a few questions and you can both move on from it. Feel free to message me if you'd like a chat, I'm a 22 y/o male from the UK so you might find comfort in speaking to someone of the opposite gender on their perspective.

@Concerned1977 Yes you're right which is why I didn't think it would happen but perhaps that is why. We didn't always use protection and I didn't use antivirus because I hadn't had a genital herpes diagnosis, just HSV-1 from a private blood test but certain symptoms lead to believe it was genital.

It was about a year ago I found out I had HSV-1 and since then it hasn't been easy. Wishing I could turn back the clock and not be intimate with certain people, or ignoring my symptoms and being blissfully unaware, however that isn't the type of person I am and I explored every avenue to receive a proper diagnosis. This then meant I would have to be honest with future partners which scared the hell out of me, and I even considered not telling them. However when I started getting feelings for someone I realised that I couldn't keep this from her, and because of the connection we had I actually felt quite confident that she would accept it. This didn't stop my nerves before telling her though but luckily it went well and we've said no more about it since. But several months down the line she tells me she has been diagnosed with herpes, I feel terrible but she reassures me she knew the risks and doesn't blame me. Knowing I have given someone an incurable STI does make me feel bad, but what would make me feel 1000000x worse is if I didn't tell them I had herpes in the first place. I know it isn't easy but disclosure really is the way forward, it brings you closer together through honesty. I have herpes, I disclosed to my partner and now she has herpes too. The "worst case" has happened but I'm fine, she's fine, and herpes really is no big deal.

@Braino What are the statistics on hsv1 shedding & transmission rates? I can't seem to find them anywhere

@Lonelygirl88 Well hopefully you'll get answers soon... Why did you have to leave? I'm sure everything will be okay and feel free to message me if you'd like to talk

@Lonelygirl88 Thanks but there's no need to apologise, we are all going through something tough. I get spots around my lips a lot, I wouldn't call them cold sores though but every single red spot or white head certainly gravitates to my lips for some reason. Have you had a blood test then? It's frustrating not knowing due to a lack of a swab. How do you disclose what you have?

Last year after having unprotected sex, the following day I began to get irritation around my penis including some red spots and small rashes. A few days later I had white heads appear near the base of my penis but with no pain. By the end of the week I even spotted what I believed was a very small genital wart on my penis. This freaked me out because I already knew a lot about herpes so I suspected it could be a mild outbreak triggered through sex and now I had genital warts on top of this. The next week I went to the clinic but by this point the white head spots had faded, but still I explained everything and they diagnosed my genital wart but didn't suggest herpes. I also had a boil above my pubic area filled with puss but was told this wasn't linked to herpes. I was still worried my outbreak could've been so mild that it went unnoticed so I decided to take a private blood test to ease my concerns, the results came back HSV-2 negative but HSV-1 positive. A nurse phoned me with the results and I explained to her why I thought it could be genital but based on my symptoms she told me she thinks it's just oral due to the absence of painful blisters. I can never remember having coldsores but my father has always had them and from what I can remember he was never that careful in keeping me protected since we would share drinks etc. My mother also had genital herpes while she was pregnant with me if this is relevant. Since then I've not known what to think, at times I do get red spots on and around my penis and every time this happens I visit the clinic but they always tell me it isn't anything to worry about and no need for swab tests etc. I'm just in a position now where I don't know how to start dating because I'm unsure what to tell future partners. I am ready to start a long-term relationship with someone but I feel it is best to be honest with them although I'm worried how best to explain my situation without scaring them away. I actually have feelings for someone but she lives in the same accommodation as me and we share mutual friends so I don't know if I could bring myself to tell her and risk others knowing. We have been spending a lot of time together lately and as much as I want to make a move this is holding me back and I'm not sure if it can ever work given my circumstances.

Was your outbreak diagnosed through swab and blood test? HSV-1 from a blood test doesn't necessarily mean genital and could be oral herpes caught from childhood. If you get another blood test it will probably come back as HSV-1 again since around 80% of people have the first type. In regards to dating I would advise taking it slow and waiting until you feel comfortable with that person until you disclose, and just be honest in what's going on. I think you'd be surprised in how accepting people can be. Saying this I am in a similar situation to you with HSV-1 and am yet to attempt disclosing but this forum has made me feel more confident for when the time comes. Feel free to PM me if you'd like someone to talk to :)

@SD1990 I agree but I have shown certain symptoms in my genitals, however they've been dismissed as something else by heath care professionals. Although very mild (small painless white heads etc) I am still paranoid from what I have read that it could be a mild outbreak despite never being diagnosed. Part of me wishes I didn't take a blood test at all but I just wanted to make sure it wasn't HSV-2 first. If it is genital then I probably caught it from receiving oral sex but considering 80% of people carry HSV-1 it's hard to avoid.

If you really like her then there's no need to end it, just get the warts frozen and they should be gone within weeks. Then disclose to your partner and if she cares about you as much as you do her then she will understand. Don't throw it all away and make yourself miserable or you will always wonder 'what if'