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sadmadnotsure

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  1. I haven’t been in a real relationship with steady intimacy for years (40s, divorced). To manage my urge and desire to be with someone, I use online dating, and most of my intimate partners over the years have come from that. Nothing ever really works out, but I found myself unwilling to stop “looking”. I may meet 2-3 guys a year. Sex encounters are few and far between. Frustrating. In June, after being told by a potential that he didn’t feel chemistry for me, I called up an ex, and we had sex. I hadn’t been with him for 2 years, and I know he’s with others. Bad move #1. After that encounter, I met another man online in July. Right away he started talking about marriage and sex a lot and insisted we have sex, first week. I was very attracted to him and he was showing me so much attention that I decided to go for it. Unprotected, and we both performed oral on each other. Bad move #2. We had sex twice that week. I went away on family vacation. We had sex again when I returned. 6 days later, symptoms: something that looked like a cyst, burning, itching, pain. I never thought herpes. Went to the doc after 3 days of trying to cure it with sitz baths etc. Nurse said herpes from looking at it. I was shocked and crushed. After two weeks, tests came back positive for hsv1, no antibodies, new infection. I told both men. Both are denying having anything. The second man seems to be more likely the transmitter. He has been awful toward me, including saying: “either way, we won’t have sex again”, as if he thought that’s what I wanted. First man said I disrespected him by “coming at him” and accusing him, and said I should check the other guyS I’m with. Both have said they would get tested, neither have told me results. They don’t reach out to even see how I’m doing so I have to contact them and chase down their results. I’ve asked for the written results from the second one. I don’t believe either would tell me the truth. Questions: for those with hsv1 genital, do you have outbreaks after the first one? Do men get hsv1 on their genitals? Can I pass hsv1 to a man who gives me oral. Did he pass it to me from a cold sore in his mouth (we did a lot of kissing)? Or did he pass hsv1 it to me through blood/semen? I also had waxing done down there. Could that have irritated the skin and opened me up to the virus? Going forward, I feel like sex is off the table because no man (that I’ve met, or like) seems to want to be in a relationship. I’m not willing to disclose unless it’s a real relationship and I know his status too (which means testing each other and discussing after results). Please help with feedback on my story or answers to my questions. Thank you.
  2. I’ve been giving this notion of disclosure a lot of thought since being diagnosed last week hsv1. It seems as though people who want to disclose to a brand new person are assuming that person is STD-free. Why assume that? Why not simply state: “I have concerns about STDs and would like to get tested together before intimacy.” Then, be quiet, see what he says. If, at that moment, he disclosed that he had HIV, how would you take that? Don’t you want to know his status on all STDs first? Many are asymptomatic or carriers, supposedly. All I’m saying is be careful telling something so personal when you don’t have that same info on them. Just my .02.
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