I haven’t been in a real relationship with steady intimacy for years (40s, divorced). To manage my urge and desire to be with someone, I use online dating, and most of my intimate partners over the years have come from that. Nothing ever really works out, but I found myself unwilling to stop “looking”. I may meet 2-3 guys a year. Sex encounters are few and far between. Frustrating. In June, after being told by a potential that he didn’t feel chemistry for me, I called up an ex, and we had sex. I hadn’t been with him for 2 years, and I know he’s with others. Bad move #1.
After that encounter, I met another man online in July. Right away he started talking about marriage and sex a lot and insisted we have sex, first week. I was very attracted to him and he was showing me so much attention that I decided to go for it. Unprotected, and we both performed oral on each other. Bad move #2.
We had sex twice that week. I went away on family vacation. We had sex again when I returned. 6 days later, symptoms: something that looked like a cyst, burning, itching, pain. I never thought herpes. Went to the doc after 3 days of trying to cure it with sitz baths etc. Nurse said herpes from looking at it. I was shocked and crushed. After two weeks, tests came back positive for hsv1, no antibodies, new infection.
I told both men. Both are denying having anything. The second man seems to be more likely the transmitter. He has been awful toward me, including saying: “either way, we won’t have sex again”, as if he thought that’s what I wanted. First man said I disrespected him by “coming at him” and accusing him, and said I should check the other guyS I’m with. Both have said they would get tested, neither have told me results. They don’t reach out to even see how I’m doing so I have to contact them and chase down their results. I’ve asked for the written results from the second one. I don’t believe either would tell me the truth.
Questions: for those with hsv1 genital, do you have outbreaks after the first one? Do men get hsv1 on their genitals? Can I pass hsv1 to a man who gives me oral. Did he pass it to me from a cold sore in his mouth (we did a lot of kissing)? Or did he pass hsv1 it to me through blood/semen? I also had waxing done down there. Could that have irritated the skin and opened me up to the virus? Going forward, I feel like sex is off the table because no man (that I’ve met, or like) seems to want to be in a relationship. I’m not willing to disclose unless it’s a real relationship and I know his status too (which means testing each other and discussing after results).
Please help with feedback on my story or answers to my questions. Thank you.