seafoam19

Not sure if this has been posted, but it's a good reminder for all of us: "Leap, and the net will appear." - John Burroughs definitely feeling this one after a successful disclosure to a friend whose reaction I was very worried about :)

Thank you guys so much for the quick responses! Y'all are awesome! I think my insecurity about going out is just a bigger self-esteem problem in general... this particular friend always wants to go out to clubs, bars, concerts, etc, and while I'm fine to do that once in a while, I don't really like to go out with her because of all the attention she gets (twice we've gone out on double dates and at the end both the guys asked her to call them and not me.. ouch) and how intoxicated she gets. I think most of it revolves around body and personality issues I had before I even got herpes. @Herrytheherp - thank you so much for your suggestions, especially the practical ones! I used to meditate every day but my time on the cushion has been severely lacking lately... certainly a connection to how I'm feeling now. Fitness is also something that's helped me a lot - feeling like I'm not a victim of my body, but instead that my body is powerful and active. @Willow - that gave me a lot of hope! I'm really happy to find out there are people out there brave enough to disclose like that and not be turned down. I think maybe after my first few disclosures it will be easier. thank you for your help <3 @WCSDancer2010 - I think you're right. This friend is particularly well-educated on the subject but not really in a way that focused on big-picture or having it occur to someone you love... she's a hypochondriac who used to do all this scary reading on herpes after hearing the 1 in 4 statistic, and she's very bad about joking about it or saying it's the worst thing that could happen (the other week she actually said she'd rather go through an unplanned pregnancy than have herpes.. imagine the look on my face) - but hopefully this will change now that she is aware of my situation. I love the point you made about this being a speed bump in my in my mental and spiritual healing. I guess this is especially scary because it's the first situation that I can't change (although my feelings about it can, which is awesome). Previously any tough situation I came up against could be solved by moving, switching schools, ending relationships, etc... but this is the first time I've really had to teach myself to accept a condition that is going to affect me for the rest of my life. Thanks for all your advice!

Hi guys, I found out I had herpes last fall and was totally devastated. Since then I have not grown close with anyone or had sex, mostly out of fear. I live in a tiny, tiny town with a very close group of people, and everyone always knows each other's business. I feel like I'm too young to have my business all out there (I'm just 20 and from the conversations I've had with men my age, it seems like they're not even willing to educate themselves about it) - so I'd like to keep my status private until necessary. I joined this website then, did a couple therapy sessions, wrote a lot, and kind of figured I had mostly moved past the constant grief and anxiety the diagnosis first brought on. However, a couple weekends back, I got really drunk and ended up disclosing to one of my two best friends. She was supportive but I could tell she was shocked and freaked out (our mutual friend gave it to me). The problem is, I thought disclosing would make me feel a lot better, not so alone. But if anything I feel worse! I can feel myself sinking into a depression, and I am so anxious all the time I'm having trouble eating. And the worst part is, for some crazy reason, I am actually feeling bitterness towards her... it's like now that she knows what's really going on, I can't stand to put on a brave, happy face around her, and it comes off as anger and jealousy that she can continue to go out, have sexual relationships, date freely, while I feel awful about myself and totally stuck. She didn't do anything wrong but I feel so terrible and guilty about feeling this way. I thought disclosure would make me feel better, but it's just led me to see again how different and isolated I feel, and that makes me angry. I feel like, even though she offers to talk with me, it freaks her out and she can't possibly understand all the stigma I'm feeling. I've scheduled more therapy for this week and I've tried to explain to my friend why I feel this way (I barely understand), but I can't even be in the same room as her without feeling like some sort of monster or untouchable in comparison. Really feel like crawling into a hole :( Anyone have any help or advice? I hate feeling this way.

Great, thank you so much Adrial!

My first outbreak didn't fit the typical description either but it still was HSV-2. Better safe than sorry! The best way to know is to get a blood test.

I keep hearing the first herpes outbreak is the worst. My first outbreak was almost unnoticeable, just one tiny painless bump. But my second outbreak is TERRIBLE. For a week now I've had more than two sores that are huge and painful. Why is this happening?! If it matters, I'm also sick with a cold this week.

That's exactly how I felt when I first got diagnosed. It's okay to let yourself feel that bad, at least for a little bit. I took three days off from school and work and cried. There's going to be some sadness and tears. But you also have to remember how much you've made it through already, and this is just one more obstacle, with something positive to give you in return. Trust me, every minute that goes by, it will get easier. But for now it's okay to let yourself feel scared and grieve. Make sure to get tested and get information. Once you start to truly see how little impact this can have on your love life, it gets a little easier to accept.

Did you get tested for HIV? Even if it is herpes, there is still lots of hope. Personally I've found that this condition has been the only thing that's been able to make me stop and try to fix all the bad things in my life! Nothing else could do that for me. There are some pros to having it, and it really isn't all that bad. Remember that your first few outbreaks will be the worst, and after that it gets way less painful and frequent.

Firstly, take some deep breaths and sit down. No matter what happens, it'll be okay. Herpes and HIV are two very, very different diseases, and just because someone has one, it's no indication of the other! You're not alone, trust me, there are tons of loving people here to help you :) Have you gone to the doctor yet?

Thank you guys very much.. it's just so hard to know what's next! I actually don't believe I got herpes through the assaults, though I guess technically, anything is possible. But I'm 95% sure it was through consensual sex. I'm so sorry to hear about that Iamme34, but at least you are in therapy now!

Hi guys! It has been a really crazy month for me. Lots of changes, lots of stress, and a lot of thinking about herpes and my self-image. I was diagnosed a month ago after a routine check-up in which my doctor found a tiny, tiny bump, and assured me it most likely was not herpes. But it was, HSV2. The current relationship I was in ended before it became sexual, and again (it felt like the millionth time in my life), I was alone. I still have not disclosed to anyone except my therapist, because I live in a very small town and I don't believe any of the possible people who could've given it to me know they have it yet. The initial diagnosis triggered some really strong feelings in me - mostly disgust and anger towards myself, and the strong feeling that I was less of a woman and less of a human for having this virus. Through writing I realized those were some leftover triggers from the two worst things that have ever happened to me. I was sexually assaulted by two different men, two different times. Those same awful feelings came about when I got my diagnosis. Upon further reflection, I realized that my negative self-esteem came about years before my diagnosis. One of the men who assaulted me was my boyfriend. By all accounts, he was loving, kind, and accepting, except when he decided to force me into sex. He did it about six months into our relationship. And even though I was devastated, I stayed with him! I thought that relationship was it for me. He was the first and only person who I thought loved me. I thought that the only chance I would get at some sort of happy, stable relationship was to be with this man, so I had to choose between pushing down all the bad feelings and blaming myself, or coming to terms with what had happened and facing the world alone. Well, I chose poorly, and stayed in that relationship for two and a half more years, until the anxiety and depression became too much for him to take care of - again, validating my fear that I was unlovable. The second assault was less severe and less hurtful, but the fact that it happened to me twice really told me that something was intrinsically so wrong with me that I deserved to be raped by anyone who wanted to do it. I know logically survivors do have a much higher chance of getting assaulted again, but I still cannot emotionally feel it. I only realized all this through herpes and those same feelings. I thought about how I would feel if I loved someone with herpes, and it wouldn't bother me at all as long as I truly cared for them. I realized my only problem with herpes is that I felt like it ruined my life because it took away my "consolation prize" - since no one would ever love me, at least I got to have casual sex with attractive, interesting people. Now that is out of the picture, and for the first time, I feel truly, truly alone - but also, in a sense, maybe free to start addressing why I had such poor self-esteem, so much that I was willing to date my rapist for years. So while I am hopeful for the future at times, I am in a dark place. Any support would be welcome. I am not sure how to go about progressing from here, but I am telling my therapist about the assaults on Friday. This is the first person I've told. I'm so nervous but I just want to heal and be able to love myself.

If I were you I would just tell him you need to know before y'all become intimate. But give him a little bit of time to reflect, and especially to let the fact sink in that you told him about your herpes, even though you probably could've not told him and put him at risk for getting it. When you encourage him to tell you just mention things like how much you care, how much you trust him, how you want to encourage an honest relationship, and how most big bad secrets aren't actually as bad as we make them up to be in our head. I had an ex with a terrible secret about something he had done in the past - I still loved him and still forgave him, but if I had known before things got too serious, I could've slowed down the relationship and prevented some other awful things from happening had I known about his past.

Thank you Carlos.. that was an awesome read and just what I needed to hear. Not just about herpes, but the way my life has been going in general lately! Thanks for posting that :)

Thanks for your response Adrial! I know deep down he wasn't right for me. It was my first real connection after getting back in the "dating game" and it just seemed so rough to have all this happen :( How do you reccomend staying hopeful that other people won't reject me in the same way? I read the e-book which was very helpful! I'm starting to see logically how these things make sense, how this could be a blessing. I'm just really struggling to start feeling them! I know it's early but I just wish I could feel a tiny glimmer of hope instead of this big heavy weight. I'm so glad I've found this forum!

I'm going through the same thing, especially with your fears about the future. I don't have any advice since my diagnosis is recent, but if you want to talk, you can always message me. I've read a lot of good articles, one of which is "The Perks of Having Herpes," that make me feel a little better, but still ashamed and scared.

Hi all! I'm a female 19-year old college student from VA. I would love someone to talk to about this, especially someone who is having a hard time believing they are ever going to find someone to be happy with, since that's what I'm struggling with the most. My physical symptoms are minimal/unoticable so I don't really need any help with that, just more worried about my emotions and my dating life. Female or male, doesn't really matter. I'd like someone in their 20's or 30's.

I got my test results back this morning. I only got tested because I was seeing someone new and really lovely. The doctor found a tiny, tiny bump and tested it, told me not to worry at all, and that it didn't even look like herpes. But, it was. HSV2. I told the guy I was seeing, he immediately ended things even after I explained all the facts. That's got me even more worried that my dating life is over... I'm only 19 and I feel like this is the end for me, I'm about to just adopt some more cats. I don't know how I'll ever maintain a relationship, or even go out on dates, because I feel so ashamed, and I don't think most people are going to understand. I haven't stopped crying since I found out. I just feel like this is it for me.