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unwritten

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unwritten last won the day on February 15

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  1. It's been only two days since I found out, and I'm convinced the only reason I'm typing this and not still crying on the floor is because of this forum and seeing some hope. So I figured I'd share. I had a recent new partner. I had too much to drink and wasn't careful the first time we had sex. I don't know how long it will take for me to stop replaying that 10 minute window where I was so drunk and caught in the moment that I didn't ask him to put on a condom and the rest is history. On the next few "rounds" that night and in the AM I did ask him to use one, and he did, but as we all know it only takes one time. It literally brings tears to my eyes typing it because I was just that stupid. This wasn't someone I was even serious about. Just a date. 2 days later after seeing him it burned to pee, but I wrote it off as rough sex. Until it didn't stop. And got worse. And on Day 3 I finally looked at myself with a mirror and saw an irritated fold of skin below my vagina (perianal area?) that looked swollen and pink. I figured it was torn or something so I had my primary doc look at it the next day. She called it a "fissure" but I wasn't fully convinced and stopped by PP to have them look at it as well. She told me it could be a fissure or it could be H. I don't think the tears have stopped since then. I prayed for an entire week that it was just a scare (I've had one before), but that "Blocked ID" call I got 2 days ago changed my life forever, and was the first time in my life I wished I could skip to the end of my life. And that scares the shit out of me. I had just gotten into the swing of online dating, and was really trying to create space in my life for a husband and family. I desperately want kids and my biological clock basically went off already. I'm not sure if I'll ever forgive myself for putting myself in a place that makes that dream seem impossible. Intellectually I know it still is, but since dating hasn't been easy for me, I feel like this was the nail in the coffin for everything I've wanted most in my life. I'm trying not to obsess over how it happened (still not 100% sure it was the recent guy - he's getting tested - and the fact that I'm not even sure b/c there's more than one recent guy makes me so ashamed), but I can't function. I haven't been eating since I got the call, can't sleep, and even though I'm on Valtrex now my initial OB is still in full swing and has spread a bit to my butt (I could have spread it myself touching it back before I actually knew what it was). The only thing keeping me sane are 2 friends I confessed to in a hysterical mess yesterday. All that to say, this feels like the worst thing that has ever happened in my entire life and I don't know how to get over it. I journaled today and didn't cry for a few hours afterward (a win?), so I figured coming on here to share could help with healing. But for now, I'm angry. I'm devastated. I can't get out of bed. And can't stop crying. How do you all move forward? P.S. The percentages of women/everybody has it piece doesn't actually help - that makes me angry because if H were a part of "everything" when you get tested all of us probably wouldn't have it
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