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unwritten

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unwritten last won the day on August 14

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  1. So I haven't been on here since October which is probably a good thing since I was in such a dark place. I was borderline suicidal, depressed, and had clinical anxiety. Figured I'd come in and provide an update so that people who are newly diagnosed can see it gets better! I'll start with the bad to get that out of the way..... The Bad News A single day hasn't gone by that I still don't think about my giver and the night I'm pretty sure it happened. However, I can think about it, and move on instead of be paralyzed or overcome with regret and grief all day like I used to. I get outbreaks at least every 2-3 months. It's still my first year so I'm not surprised, but was hoping to be one of the lucky ones with infrequent or rare symptoms I haven't had sex or a relationship since I got HSV2 9 months ago I haven't identified my "triggers" yet so I haven't been successful in preventing outbreaks. It seems super random. The Good News I am so much happier overall! I went to therapy for months (sometimes multiple times a week) to work through it, and took some time off to get myself together. I used to need Xanax to function and get through my day (first time in life), but was able to stop taking it about a month after my diagnosis I have 3 friends that I told, who helped me get through the first few months (and one girl on here that let me call her which was amazing!). I strongly suggest you confide in someone! Don't go through it alone! It's super scary to tell people but in my experience they were SO supportive and helpful since one friend actually has it too. I've been on a few dates, and had one disclosure that actually went okay! We didn't have sex that night (I told him like in the heat of the moment - don't do that!), but he shocked me a few weeks later by asking if I had any condoms. I didn't so we didn't have sex. But just having him ask made me realize that it's not necessarily a dealbreaker like I thought. And I know that whoever my future partner is will love all of me. I can't wait to experience that. My outbreaks are becoming shorter and less painful. My primary one was 3 weeks and I could barely use the bathroom, second 2 weeks (I ran out of Valtrex in the middle of it), third maybe a week, and the one I just finished was less than a week. Hoping to get to a day or 2 (or none) like I've heard many people experience! I'm able to recognize when it's about to start a lot better (finally!). It progresses REALLY fast from prodrome to outbreak (like a matter of hours), but it seems if I take meds immediately at 1000 mg, I'm able to keep it from being full blown. I feel like me again on most days. Never thought I'd feel this way, but H isn't something I think about constantly anymore. And don't feel like a walking stigma or secret like I used to. I'm an intelligent, beautiful and funny girl just like I was before this happened, and I choose to focus on that despite this skin condition. Because that's all it is. A skin condition in an awkward place. My advice for those struggling: Do whatever it takes to get in a better space mentally. Take time off, talk to friends, get therapy, make friends on this forum, do whatever makes you happy. Half the battle is getting back to you. Once that happens, your body will be less stressed and can do the work of handling the virus. And then you can look up and realize 9 months have gone by and you haven't been on the H Opportunity forum because you don't need to anymore. It gets better!
  2. It's been only two days since I found out, and I'm convinced the only reason I'm typing this and not still crying on the floor is because of this forum and seeing some hope. So I figured I'd share. I had a recent new partner. I had too much to drink and wasn't careful the first time we had sex. I don't know how long it will take for me to stop replaying that 10 minute window where I was so drunk and caught in the moment that I didn't ask him to put on a condom and the rest is history. On the next few "rounds" that night and in the AM I did ask him to use one, and he did, but as we all know it only takes one time. It literally brings tears to my eyes typing it because I was just that stupid. This wasn't someone I was even serious about. Just a date. 2 days later after seeing him it burned to pee, but I wrote it off as rough sex. Until it didn't stop. And got worse. And on Day 3 I finally looked at myself with a mirror and saw an irritated fold of skin below my vagina (perianal area?) that looked swollen and pink. I figured it was torn or something so I had my primary doc look at it the next day. She called it a "fissure" but I wasn't fully convinced and stopped by PP to have them look at it as well. She told me it could be a fissure or it could be H. I don't think the tears have stopped since then. I prayed for an entire week that it was just a scare (I've had one before), but that "Blocked ID" call I got 2 days ago changed my life forever, and was the first time in my life I wished I could skip to the end of my life. And that scares the shit out of me. I had just gotten into the swing of online dating, and was really trying to create space in my life for a husband and family. I desperately want kids and my biological clock basically went off already. I'm not sure if I'll ever forgive myself for putting myself in a place that makes that dream seem impossible. Intellectually I know it still is, but since dating hasn't been easy for me, I feel like this was the nail in the coffin for everything I've wanted most in my life. I'm trying not to obsess over how it happened (still not 100% sure it was the recent guy - he's getting tested - and the fact that I'm not even sure b/c there's more than one recent guy makes me so ashamed), but I can't function. I haven't been eating since I got the call, can't sleep, and even though I'm on Valtrex now my initial OB is still in full swing and has spread a bit to my butt (I could have spread it myself touching it back before I actually knew what it was). The only thing keeping me sane are 2 friends I confessed to in a hysterical mess yesterday. All that to say, this feels like the worst thing that has ever happened in my entire life and I don't know how to get over it. I journaled today and didn't cry for a few hours afterward (a win?), so I figured coming on here to share could help with healing. But for now, I'm angry. I'm devastated. I can't get out of bed. And can't stop crying. How do you all move forward? P.S. The percentages of women/everybody has it piece doesn't actually help - that makes me angry because if H were a part of "everything" when you get tested all of us probably wouldn't have it
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