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I was unlucky in that my first outbreak was very bad...Sitting, walking, lying down, everything was painful and the first few days I felt properly ill. I had massive swollen glands coming out my groin and under my arms and felt very out of it. I also had sores everywhere 'down there' including in my bum (happens, apparently :(...) This was so painful I couldn't go number 2 for a week... which caused an anal fissure, which then became chronic and a year later required surgery.... I've been so lucky I haven't been someone where H really reoccured but this complication from the first outbreak was pretty bloody traumatic, embarrassing and just generally a massive bummer (pun intended). Putting that added complication aside, it did take a while to feel normal again (I'm thinking 3 weeks?) and it was about a month before I could have sex again. For the following year I had recurrent thrush, pretty much continuously from April to September. This had never been a problem before but I do feel was linked to the herpes (or possibly the fissure and the fact I had to have so many baths to sooth that). Either way I was not 'happy' down there for a good while. Sex could also feel incredibly painful for no apparent reason. I'd get this stabbing pain exactly where they'd been a sore that first outbreak and me and my ex would have to stop. I was told by my doc this was psychological though and given the not so good nature of my relationship with my ex, this could well be the case. I'm sure this all sounds rather horrendous but although I felt things would never get better, they really did. I feel fine now :) I think the things to remember with your first outbreak is that for 99.99% of people, if your H reoccurs it is NEVER as bad as your first time. Your body is getting it all out the way and learning to deal with the virus. So just take take it easy be kind to yourself, eat well and get lots of sleep. This WILL pass. Hot baths with lots of salt poured in also does wonders for any pain.

Oh and also wanted to add that probably the best bit was that after he's told me it was totally cool and he was really attracted to me etc, we were actually able to joke about the previous conversation being the ultimate last thing on earth you'd want to hear on a date (in a nice way) or that it was great I hadn't just come out with it right after we'd finished having sex. This may sound weird to some people but I'm someone who likes to make light of crap stuff in life, I really think it's key to getting over things. And I never never thought I'd be able to joke about having herpes with someone in that way. I thought it would always be this huge, dark, shameful thing. But that someone could treat it like it was no big deal with me and actually laugh about it was kind of amazing. Like a huge weight lifted off my shoulders.

Ok so I'm excited to tell you that it went ok! I was in two minds whether or not to tell him (i thought if it reached that point I'd just make my excuses and run home) but in the end I just did it. Which was really bloody hard. But weirdly empowering because I was looking him in the eye and saying 'I'm telling you this because I care and I respect you. And whatever you feel about it is totally ok.' It made me feel good about myself rather than ashamed. I thought it would be like the awful time I first found out I had it and had to break the news to my then-boyfriend. But he was ok about it. Like really ok. He was just really calm and asked lots of questions which I did my best to answer. And he said he was very grateful that I was honest and it said a lot about the person I was. And also acknowledged that it must have been a hard thing to go through and a hard thing to admit, which for some silly reason was really good to hear but it felt like he could understand. Guys, it was totally totally not as bad as thought it would be. I'm not even sure if things will work with this guy or if I even want to be in a serious relationship with but honestly I don't mind what happens because I feel that if we didn't work it would be for some other reason NOT herpes. I feel like I've just slain this massive dragon that's been living in my head for the past 2 years.

Hi Brooke I just wanted to let you know that before I got herpes, ironically, I had the most fastidiously, ultra careful attitude to sex. I nearly always used condoms, I only slept with people I'd really gotten to know and I got tested all the time. I was so WORRIED all the frickin' time about getting an STI. And I got it, having used condoms, in the middle of long term relationship, through oral sex (which I had no idea could give you HSV1- no one ever told me that in health class). Essentially, I contracted this horrible STI from someone with no STI, just plain old symptomless oral herpes. In comparison, friends of mine, who were never careful, never got tested and liked having a lot casual sex are, as far as they know, totally clean. My point is that it is really unfair. And f*cking random. It could have been your boyfriend, or one of your friends or one of mine instead. It really has not a great deal to do with YOU. And for that reason the last thing you should do is beat yourself up. I wasted over a year feeling like that continuously and am only just starting to snap out of it now. I know it's hard to do that and I am still very much working on it but I have realised it does no good at all to feel that way. It's a poisonous way of being and can rot your life and your relationships. And you absolutely don't deserve that. Let yourself feel good.

Thank you for your reply Hopp. I really did love the E book. Your take on having and disclosing herpes is incredibly refreshing and so positive. A lot of the advice I've got from family, friends and health workers in the past has been either 'It's this terrifying scary, HORRIBLE thing' (can you believe on the day I was diagnosed, the doctor told me not to tell any of my friends I had it because they'd only be scared of catching it from me?!) to 'It's no big deal, don't bother telling anyone about it.' For a while I went with the latter (although thankfully I was never in a position to actually lie to anyone about it) because that was by far the 'easiest' in my head. No further outbreaks made me feel that actually I could pretend that actually didn't have it at all... It was only when I came across this forum I realised there could be an alternative and there were cool, clever people who weren't getting bogged down by the stigma of it all but still being honest with those they cared about. I'm very grateful to all those people who contributed to this forum for letting me see that other perspective. I am not in that place yet but that is absolutely where I would like to be, the person I would like to be. So that's where tomorrow, if it comes up, I will try to put myself, much as it terrifies me. In my eyes I really do see it as the person I am trying to be as much as the person I am trying to be with.

I'm supposed to be meeting this new guy the day after tomorrow. He's cooking me dinner at his house and I know he'll want me to stay over. He asked last time and I made excuses. We've been dating for a little while now and I know I can't keep making excuses but I am so afraid to tell him. Sometimes I think I am fine with it, it's only HSV1, I've only had one outbreak, I'm fine, it's fine but then I feel so afraid, ashamed and dirty. It takes me to such a dark, horrible place in my head. I really like this guy and I want to be honest with him because he's lovely and I respect him. He's awesome and I feel lucky to have met him. I hope one day this could turn into a proper relationship. So I have to tell him. But I'm worried he won't like me anymore if I he knows I have this. Or that he'll be fine then suddenly get scared and change his mind. Or even that I'll feel so grateful for being with him that he could be a total pig like my ex was and I would put up with it because he likes me regardless. I know this is an age old problem and something everyone with H has to go through. But if anyone could tell me something, anything that would make me feel ok about this I'd be so grateful. It sounds stupid but I feel so f*cking alone right now. I have already download and read the e book about the disclosing btw.

Thanks so much. I already downloaded. Really useful, I love how upbeat you are about it - it really helps :)

Hi guys Just joined this site and I'm so glad to have found it :) I found out I had herpes type 1 over a year and half ago. I was nearly a year into a relationship, I've never been particularly promiscuous and had always been careful so it came as a massive shock. My ex denied any involvement or responsibility in giving it to me, which at the time I bought but since then I have been more suspicious about. He had told me at the start of the relationship that his ex had H, but had never passed it on to him. Being naive about asymptomatic shedding, transmission of oral to genital herpes etc, I didn't know he could still have it. And I didn't suspect that he might even be lying. I stayed with this guy after the diagnosis because he 'accepted' it and I was frightened about having to deal with disclosing it to someone else. He was emotionally abusive and bullying for the whole time we were together but I still stayed because I felt that no one else would want me. Better that I just put up with that then faced a lifetime of rejection and being alone. It was horrible. We recently broke up (yay!) and that's great because I feel like I can get my life back. Only now, it's a life with herpes and for the first time I have to face up to the fact that I have this. It feels like a double whammy of crap on top of how he treated me but there you go. I am trying really really hard not to be a victim about this and wanted to say how inspiring I found the posts I have read on here to be. Given that I have type 1 and have only had one outbreak, for a little while I had this misplaced sense of bravado about not telling, kind of 'f*ck everyone, if no one's gonna tell me they had a coldsore as a kid why should I tell them about this?!'. But deep down I know I have integrity and Do Not want a relationship where I can't be honest. I have just started dating someone new. It's very early days yet but I like him a lot. I'd like to be honest with him about the herpes despited the fact that I'm TERRIFIED. I'm so so scared of being rejected but I know I would want him to tell me if the shoe was on the other foot.