100918

Your disclosure reminds me a bit of my disclosure with my boyfriend. I was terrified, but knew I needed to tell him, so I told him we needed to talk, and then just spit it out and told him. I barely got it out, and he stopped me, then said HSV is nothing to him. Not an issue at all as far as he was concerned. And it has never been an issue. We've been together for nearly 5 months now, and he's still just as amazing, if not more, as he was the day I met him.

I RAISED my standards. When I was diagnosed, I was dating someone who was decent. Not everything I envisioned, so in a way, he was already not what I fully wanted, but he was nice. It was more of the superficial things that he didn't meet...like height, education level, made less than I do...so I looked past that. But when I disclosed and he rejected me (even though only for about a week), I decided that I deserve better. I set my standards higher than I ever had before, and ended up meeting someone who exceeds even those standards. And he accepts me and my diagnosis with no issues at all. He is also the kindest man I have ever dated and makes me feel like a princess. Do NOT lower your standards. HSV does not make you a lesser person. Do not accept a lesser person as a partner. KNOW YOUR VALUE and demand that someone meets the standards that show that they know your value and their value. You may need to take time to work on self-love for a bit because you attract what you put out into the world. So, if you are putting out the vibe that you do not value yourself or feel there is something "wrong" with you, you will attract someone who does not value you and will see this as a something wrong with you. When you put out the vibe that you are amazing and worthy of the very best, that is what you will attract...you may still attract some toads, too...but you will also attract quality men. Weed through and toss the toads.

So you're around my age. I am 40 and my boyfriend is 44. That is ironic about the guy not seeing HSV1 as still being HSV. But, I have seen a LOT of people, mostly on FB, who openly are like, "Yeah, I have cold sores but it's not the same thing". Ummm, it can still be spread and can be spread to the genitals, so yeah, it's kinda the same thing at this point. Maybe back in the day when oral was something that only the "promiscuous" people did instead of just about everyone having sex, but now? This guy is old enough to know better. The fact that he hasn't bothered to research the strain that he has tells me that he just likes to be uneducated about it. You're better off moving on. Have faith...you will find someone who is not put off by it. A lot of us here have, and there are more guys out there who are educated and will see you for you and not for some stupid virus.

I'm sorry that he had that reaction. It could have been a knee-jerk reaction and he may come around after he has some time to digest what you told him and does some research. If he doesn't, then you really are better off without him. Not sure if you saw my story, but when I was first diagnosed, I had just started seeing someone (was during STD testing I had done before gettting intimate - I was insisting he get tested, so I went to get tested as well...only fair, right?), and I disclosed to him as soon as I found out. He had a similar reaction, but didn't tell me to go date my own kind (which is actually a total dick move, tbh). He ended things. I was very upset because things had been going well. However, about a week or so later, he came around and decided that he wanted to be with me anyway. At that point, I turned HIM down because I realized that I deserved better than someone who would say hurtful things in a moment when I was being completely vulnerable with him. About 3 1/2 months later, I met my boyfriend. When I disclosed to him a couple weeks later, he was 100% accepting, had no issue with it at all, and basically told me that it was nothing as far as he was concerned. It's been almost 5 months, and we are still together and very happy. The way I look at it, you can never find happiness if you don't put yourself out there and risk getting hurt. And finding someone who will love you unconditionally is worth the hurt along the way. Can I ask how old you are? And how old the men are that you're dating? That could be a contributing factor to the reactions you are getting. Also, set your standards high. You deserve someone amazing, not just settling for someone you think will be good enough. Chin up! Allow yourself the time to be upset, and then pick yourself up and brush yourself off.

You may already be that person. You had sex with someone without disclosing and it is possible, though low likelihood, that you gave it to him. Personally, I don't buy that you forgot that you have HSV-2. It's not something that you forget. I have never had an OB, but I can promise you that when I started seeing my boyfriend, it was at the front of my mind as something I knew I was going to need to tell him. And even though it's the same situation as your previous relationship where we don't even talk about it since because I've never had an OB and he is fine with knowing my status, it is still something that I am aware that I have. Every day, I am aware that I have it. I would not go the route of "I forgot that I have herpes" with this guy. He probably won't believe it either. I would be honest that you were drunk and that you screwed up by not disclosing. I would say that you are very sorry for not telling him beforehand, and that you have been trying to figure out how to tell him ever since. How long ago did you have sex with him? Your post doesn't say. If it's been more than a couple weeks and he hasn't come to you to ask you if you have it (meaning...if he hasn't had an initial outbreak), then it's most likely that he was not exposed during that encounter. However, you still have to tell him...it might lessen the blow to him if it has been a couple weeks to know that he likely was not exposed and it may help him to understand the risks are fairly low. But, be prepared that he may not take it well. In my case, I disclosed before we had sex...but it was seriously right before we had sex...as in, had to stop him so we could sit and I could disclose. And I was thrilled when he very clearly was not bothered at all by it and still wanted to continue. I did worry that perhaps he wasn't thinking clearly because it was heat of the moment and we were drinking (but not drunk), but the next day, he acknowledged it and was very clear that it is not an issue for him. We've been together for almost 5 months now. It's still a non-issue and he is still negative. We stopped using protection a couple months ago, too, and I'm not on antivirals. I tell you about my situation because it's very possible that the guy you slept with may have the same reaction as my guy. But, you need to just own it, admit it, apologize, and see how he wants to proceed. Be prepared for either reaction. I wish I had more advice on the "how" to tell him...but all I can say is to just take a deep breath and tell him. Don't try to sugarcoat it. You messed up and he needs to know. He will appreciate your honesty, even if not in the moment.

I've never used Femara, but I went through IVF 3 times and never had any issues with anything except for the vaginal progesterone suppositories. They didn't make me have an OB (I actually didn't even know I had H until after I was done having babies), but that shit is nasty and caused a raging yeast infection every time I used it. So, if you ever do have to go the route of IVF (I hope you don't!), opt for all PIO shots...I prefer the shots any day over the progesterone suppositories.

When I was first diagnosed (by blood test, no symptoms), I disclosed to a guy I had just started dating. He initially fully rejected me, but then he changed his mind and decided he wanted to be with me. I then rejected him, but we stayed friends. However, over the couple months that followed, he continued to flirt and make comments about wanting to be with me. I was toying with the idea as more of a FWB thing (even though I have never wanted to be a FWB), but then met my boyfriend that I have now. He fully accepted me and we have an insane connection. The first guy is now completely butt-hurt that I am with someone else and that he lost out. I have come to learn that men really respond to the idea of losing someone they really care for. If this guy knows that you will walk away, even though you really like him, he may re-evaluate how he feels about everything and decide that he is willing to take whatever risk there is, with appropriate precautions. I am NOT suggesting you try to manipulate him into being intimate with you. I am saying that you need to be willing to walk away from someone who is not meeting your needs and standards. If you walk away in a loving way (for example, "I really like you and I see a lot of potential in us, but I am not looking for a platonic relationship. I don't want to hold you back either, so I think it's best that we go our ways. If you decide that you want more with me, I can't promise that I will be waiting for you, but please know that I care about you and want the best for you"), he may decide that he doesn't want to lose you and that he does want to take that next step with you. And then it is up to you as to whether you give the relationship a second chance. I have done this once, but not regarding H. It was a different circumstance, but I walked away all the same. I told him that I wanted the best for him and for him to be happy, and that I couldn't promise I would be here waiting if he decided that we really were that great together. He took less than a day to think about what I said before reaching out and telling me that he didn't want to lose me. All that to say, do not settle for less than you deserve. If he is not meeting your standard, then he's not right for you.

The OP clearly said that she told him that she has cold sores and that cold sores are also herpes...and that she has them on her genitals. Where exactly is the lie? I acknowledged that she was less than forthcoming, but she did not LIE where I can see. And you'll also see that I did advise her to talk to him and clarify to make sure he fully understands. Hows about you get off your high horse? I am VERY educated about it. However, the OP did not lie. Yes, she downplayed it. But she did not lie. And she can remedy that by having a conversation...which I did recommend.

I'm not exactly sure where you lied. He asked if you have HSV2, which you don't. You told him that you have HSV1, but genitally. He said it was fine. Am I missing something? I totally get that you feel like you may have been less than forthcoming, which is something you can remedy. I'm just not sure that you lied, based on what you said. If you feel like you may have somehow misled him, then you can always bring that up in conversation next time you see him. Just let him know that you wanted to make sure that he fully understood what you were telling him and clarify it for him. My boyfriend knows that I have HSV2 (asymptomatic, but still), and he does not care even a little bit about it. If this guy has feelings for you, he won't be spooked by you clarifying things when you're sober.

I met my boyfriend after being diagnosed by blood test. He is negative and we have an amazing sex life. For him, he knows the potential risk and he is not worried about it, so we carry on as normal. Honestly, my sex life is better than it's ever been... For me, the answer to how I have a satisfying sex life is because my partner and I trust each other completely, so we have a great relationship, which then leads to amazing sex and sexual connection. I really think that's the case whether you're positive for HSV or not.

If your partner is also positive, then there is no reason to not have sex, as long as you are not in any discomfort.

If this is a long-distance thing, especially if he is the one traveling to you, I think you owe it to him to have that conversation before he travels. IF it's a dealbreaker to him, then better to tell him beforehand vs him being in your location and 'stuck', for lack of a better word.

Those are not friends. Let yourself fade out of that 'friendship group' and find yourself some real friends.

I'm not the person you posted this to (regarding having lots of oral sex and everything is fine), but I can answer for the experience of me and my boyfriend. We also have a lot of oral sex and everything has been just fine for us as well. It's been just over 3 months that we've been sleeping together. I am positive for HSV2, he is negative. He is still negative. I do not take any meds and we do not use condoms at all anymore (I cannot get pregnant) - never used condoms for oral.

False positive rate with the HerpeSelect test is 52%, according to the woman I spoke with at the UofW, where they do the Western Blot.

You will not be alone for the rest of your life. However, it is also a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you convince yourself that you are going to be alone, you will prevent yourself from putting yourself out there and being open to a relationship. When I was first diagnosed, I was afraid that no one would accept me. And then I had to basically slap myself and remind myself that I was the same person that I was before and that I was worthy of love. And I put myself out there. 13 days after I did that, I met an amazing man who accepted me without any reservations. We are still together and he is still amazing. A lot of what happens in our lives is dictated by our attitudes toward what we feel should happen/what we deserve. Once you change your mindset, I think you're going to see that there are good men out there who will want to be with you, and your HSV status will be nothing to them.

If you haven't had any OBs yet, were you confirmed to have it through a blood test, I assume? That is how I was diagnosed last October. Since I hadn't had any partners in over 10 years at that point, I knew that I had to have had it for a long time. I had spent the entire 10 years cuddling with my child, sharing straws with him, etc. So to think that I would now suddenly be this walking disease spreading machine was just plain silly. Nothing has changed. I still cuddle with my child. If he wants a sip of my drink, he gets one. Going crazy about whether or not you gave it to your partner or if your partner gave it to you is not going to help anything. What is past is past. The good thing about HSV is that once you have an established infection, you cannot spread it to other parts of your body afterward. So, if you have genital HSV2, for example, you can't now spread it to your mouth. The virus has made its home and will not spread more within your own body. It sounds like you have a partner from your post. Even if you don't currently have a partner, you are worthy of love. HSV does not define you. YOU define you...don't let this be the one thing that you focus on as your identity. When I was diagnosed, I was just getting back into the dating world. 3 months after being diagnosed, I met an amazing man who does not give a shit about my HSV diagnosis. He is negative. He still is negative. I also have not had any OBs since finding out I am positive. Have never had an OB that I'm aware of in the over 10 years that I have had this. Your life is NOT over. Please, allow yourself time to be upset about the diagnosis...but then, pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and remember that you were who you are before you learned your diagnosis. NOTHING has changed about you since. You are still the same person.

I agree that you two need to have some time not talking for him to mull it over. Right now, he doesn't have to make a decision because you are still right there. Let him know that you think he needs some time to decide what he wants, and that you fully support that. And that you hope he can come to a decision soon because you deserve someone who wants you for who you are...all of you. And that you hope you're still there when he makes up his mind. And then stop contacting him. Let him see what it would be like to NOT have you in his life. I did this with my boyfriend once, about something different, but same end result...I told him that he needed to figure out what he wanted and that I couldn't promise him I would be here waiting for him if he did decide that we were that good together. Then I told him that I truly wanted the best for him and that I wanted him to be happy. I essentially broke up with him. That lasted 17 hours and he realized that he didn't want to lose me and contacted me. We had a good talk and we've been together since. Sometimes, when people are refusing to make a decision, you need to make it for them in order for them to wake up and realize that if they don't act, they will lose out on someone great.

I've told 4. My sister, a longtime friend, the guy I was seeing at the time (initially rejected me, then changed his mind and I rejected him), and my current boyfriend. I have no intention of ever telling my mother because if I do, I may as well just put it as my Facebook status update. She's a gossip to the nth degree and will not be able to keep it to herself. This, of course, does not count the medical professionals who know. Just my personal life.

I took 9 years off from dating. Left my ex, and didn't start dating for 9 years. I took that time to work on me and learn to love myself and get my shit together...essentially, I needed to recover from that relationship. Once I did that, it became a lot easier to weed through the potential men to find someone who was what I had come to believe I deserved. If I had tried dating earlier, I'm certain I would have ended up with people who weren't serious, who were just looking for hookups, people who were too similar to my ex. Taking time to get right with yourself is not a bad thing, no matter what prompts it. If you don't feel ready, then you're not ready. Having that fear and being so guarded, I would actually recommend you take some time to be by yourself and work on you. Doing that was the best thing I could have done for myself.

It really does get better, and life does go on. I was diagnosed in October. Found out that I have been positive without symptoms for at least 10 years (had not been in a relationship or had sex in that long, so I'm certain). I was devastated, thinking that my ex managed to really ruin everything for me, just when I had felt like my life was finally back together. I was afraid I would never find anyone who would love me and accept me with HSV2. And then in January, I met an amazing man who accepted me with no hesitation. I was still terrified to disclose, but once I did, his reaction really made me see that it's not a big deal. He was seriously like, "That's nothing". We've been together for just over 3 months and I don't see our relationship ending because we are so compatible. HSV has seriously been a non-issue for us and our sex life is great. Like tiredandlonely said, totally unencumbered by it. You will be fine. I think the biggest hurdle is for us to get over the stigma that we think everyone else believes about it. You are so much more than a diagnosis.

No, different virus in the same family of viruses. Chicken pox is also in the herpes family, but you cannot give someone herpes if you have a history of chicken pox. The girl who gifted you herpes had to have been exposed to the HSV virus in order to share it. Edited to add: I do not know the statistics on having a previous history of Mono and then being exposed to HSV and being asymptomatic. I had mono when I was a teenager, was exposed to HSV, and am asymptomatic. So, if that was your question, then although I don't know the answer, I will say that is my experience. Mono history, no symptoms of HSV.

I met my boyfriend through online dating. I'm 40, he's slightly older than I am, nice, handsome, successful in his own right. I also do not look my age and am successful in my career. It can definitely happen. You just have to weed through a lot of crap to find the good ones. Also wanted to add that I am HSV2 positive and my boyfriend is negative. I actually think my standards are higher now than they were before in the sense that I was much more selective about who I would consider dating. My goal was to have to disclose as infrequently as possible, so I wanted to make sure I was only dating men who I could see myself in a long-term relationship/marriage with. I had one coffee date with someone, decided he wasn't worth moving forward with, and then met my boyfriend 3 months ago. I disclosed to him and he accepted me with no reservations at all. Oh, also wanted to add: I did NOT settle. This guy is freakin' amazing...

You are NOT alone! I was just diagnosed with HSV2 via blood test in October. I met an amazing man at the end of January who loves and accepts me and my diagnosis. We're still only 3 months in, but we are solid! There are good people out there who will not be scared off by this. I actually find that the diagnosis has been a blessing because it has made me be so much more selective in who I date. I don't want to have to keep disclosing, so I had to be very sure about who I dated and was going to potentially disclose to. It's still nerve-wracking, but it will be okay. You didn't do anything to "deserve" this...but you will be stronger for it, and you will find love.

I don't know if it's specific to the black community, but I seem to recall others having the same concerns with disclosing and acceptance within the black community. That said, I think it is probably equally terrifying to disclose to anyone that we have an interest in, no matter their race/ethnicity. My first disclosure was to a Latino man and although he initially rejected me, he came around and decided he didn't care...and then I rejected him because in that time, I learned that he was a douchebag. My second disclosure was to a caucasian man and he did not hesistate to accept me. We are still together. Both disclosures were terrifying to me, and they both turned out exactly as they were supposed to. If that first man had accepted me and my disclosure right off the bat, I would have ended up making a huge mistake by being with him. I firmly believe that I am supposed to be with my boyfriend now, and I never would have met him if that other guy had accepted me. It may very well be a small-town community mentality more so than a black community mentality. I would suggest you try to broaden your horizons to men who live in larger communities. Be selective in who you show your interest in, and take the time to ask yourself if the man you're considering disclosing to is worth your time and energy. I have found that my diagnosis has made me much more selective in who I date...a blessing in disguise, I suppose you could say. Don't give up hope. You are still the same person you were before the diagnosis and you are still worthy of love and have love to give.