AnastasiaB

Hey Runbikeski - sooner is better than later for sure, If things are going well, now is the time. :-) My first disclosure was not done well; we had been drinking and were hooking up when I stopped everything as I saw how the night was progressing. I told him that out of respect for him I needed to let him know that before any pants came off on anyone (lol....) I wanted to give him the choice of whether or not he wanted to progress once he knew my status. I said everything kind of quickly and he seemed ok, but I was so nervous that I was the one who had a change in attitude! I was embarrassed, I felt rejected before he even rejected me, and I just couldn't get the night back on track. It was NOT the way to disclose -- it was far too dramatic. We still hooked up, but no sex and then I was ghosted after a couple of weeks. He has since apologized for being an "asshole" as he put it. I was like, "Hey. We're all just trying to figure things out in our post-divorce 50s. We're good." I got better at disclosure each time (hook up guys really don't care and I found that the younger generations are MUCH more ok with it because they're more educated about it) and the last time I did it, I said something like, "Hey, before we go further I want you to know that I have Herpes. It's a skin condition that can be passed on through sex if there is an active outbreak or if the person is not taking suppressive therapy. The good news for you is that I haven't had a symptom for more than 15 years and I have been taking daily suppressive therapy for fifteen years, so your chances of contracting it from me are around 1%-2% which is extremely low, but since it's not zero percent, I have a responsibility to tell you." Boom. Done. He kind of looked at me like, "Wow. Ok, thanks for telling me. I know that must have been difficult for you, but you know so much. So can we use a condom?" I told him that we were using a condom until HE got screened since I am 100% sure (through two tests) that I have no STDs. I asked him the last time he was screened and he said, "Umm....before I got married 20+ years ago" So I said, "Yes, we're using a condom to protect ME!" After screening and once we knew we were committed, we stopped using condoms. We don't touch at all when he has a cold sore, which he has been getting since childhood, so turns out we both have herpes! Good luck to you and my advice is sooner rather than later. Say it with confidence; it's a skin condition, not a character flaw. The person who gave it to me without telling me has a character flaw. In my experience, guys were SO APPRECIATIVE of me telling them when I didn't have to -- I could have had unprotected sex with all of them and there was a 99% chance they wouldn't have ever known or gotten herpes, so they were grateful that I let them make the decision and they admired my honesty.

An initial diagnosis can be heartbreaking and devastating and confusing. I remember like it was yesterday and it was 26 years ago! Please know that the feelings you have now WILL fade. You WILL start to see yourself as you again and not as the disease. Right now, it's first-and-foremost in your thoughts because it's so new, but it won't always be new and eventually, you won't even think about it or it will be a quick, "Eh. Whatever." I know that all sounds so far away, but trust me -- you'll get there. I'm glad you have a close circle of friends/family who can support you - that's great. Focus on their support and read a lot of the success stories of people on this forum to give you strength when your mind starts to wander; however, don't consume yourself with Internet info. Just go and live your life as you always have done and remember that what you have is a skin infection -- not a character flaw. Good luck to you -- I promise you that it gets easier and better ❤️

Update: after dating a bit, hooking up a bit, and being ghosted after a disclosure, I met a man in February who couldn't care less about my H status! He was really cool about the disclosure, but I was also MUCH better at disclosing after having some practice. We are now five months into a relationship, have met each others' families/friends, gone on trips, and coordinated our calendars at least through November lol.... He's one of the kindest, funniest men I've ever met and I couldn't be happier. Everyone on here who says "The right person won't care and will look beyond your H" was 100% correct! Please don't deny yourself happiness because of this skin infection.

If he's not the right guy for you, staying with him because he was kind about your disclosure is not fair to you or to him. Hey, disclosing is tough, but being in a relationship out of obligation -- possibly for years -- is worse in my opinion. What I'm finding through all of these forum posts is the the majority of people who hear our disclosures are appreciative that we said it. I disclosed for the first time on Friday and he -- knowing it was difficult for me to say -- said, "Thank you for telling me. It's such a respectable thing to do" and then we continued to hook up (no sex though because I wanted him to think about it longer) Don't settle in your happiness because of an overly and unnecessarily stigmatized skin condition 🙂

BreezyNJ - I went on that dating site and left after three days. There were really great people on there and good conversations, but I just wasn't ready for that much interaction!

Thanks Amando! I'm going to have to keep that in mind and maybe "slow my roll" a bit with this dating thing because I'm not sure that I would actually make the best choices right now. I have been emotionally separated from my husband for years, but we only decided to separate last spring; I moved out this fall. I think I'm eager to date because we were so disconnected for so long and I'm a little lost and a bit lonely right now (cold weather and dark-at-4 doesn't help either lol....) As I read more and more about HSV2 and how to protect a partner, I am feeling more and more optimistic; I just think i might need to do more of that work on myself alone before I'm actually ready to let someone else into my life. 🙂 (I'm learning!!!)

Well, after being in a 25-year relationship (dating and marriage) with the man who gave me HSV2, I'm now separated and back in the dating world at 49. Needless to say, I've never disclosed and am very nervous about doing so. Don't get me wrong -- I will disclose because I would never do to someone else what was done to me; I'd rather be rejected and alone than know that I wasn't honest and put someone else's mental, emotional, and physical health at risk. But it's still going to be a tough conversation, as many of you know. I am determined to stay positive because I'm hoping the right guy will understand that I am telling him - truthfully - that I am fully aware of my entire STD and STI status (I had the full blood and swab screening a few weeks ago). I am hoping that the right guy will understand that I am so much more than the skin infection -- which I haven't seen AT ALL since I started Valtrex fifteen years ago. I'm hoping that the right guy will still want to have sex with me because it's been too damn long lol.... I will take any and all advice! (And God I am so happy that this site exists!!! I feel calmer and more confident just reading the forum posts! Thank you!)