Ashley

I was on prednisone for a month last summer and had zero outbreaks! It was a pretty high dosage. Of course, everyone reacts differently but I would give it a try.

Hi all, I have a question about scarring. My initial outbreak was on the inside of the vaginal opening so I never saw it. I continued to get outbreaks in the same location since the initial outbreak (July 2013). Not too many, maybe 4 since the initial and the pain was much less intense and only lasted a day or two. I was not on antivirals because I was not sexually active. In December of 2014 I experienced an outbreak on my backside (how do I politely say this?) on the right side near the top. It was very painful, just like my initial outbreak. It has taken over a month to heal and during that time I have had an equally intense outbreak on the left side of my backside and on both the left and right side of my lower, outer labia. I started daily suppressives (Valtrex) just after the outbreak in December. So a few questions: 1. What the heck is going on? 2. Has anyone else experienced this change in location over a year after diagnosis? 3. The area on the right side has scarred. I thought outbreaks weren't supposed to scar? Other than aloe vera cream is there anything else I can do? 4. The answer to this may seem obvious but can I have sex even though the scars are still there?

Thanks @WCSDancer2010! It feels good knowing that my story could possibly help someone through their struggle.

"Be nice to yourself"

@gardeniaflower I haven't disclosed yet but that's only because it's long distance and I haven't seen him. Reading this made it less scary though, so thank you again! I'll let you know what happens!

@Timbbey when you say you miss your friend do you mean the person you were before you were diagnosed? If that's the case, she'll be back. It takes time though. I lost myself for about three years and I'm just returning now. At one point, someone told me that person is gone and I will become a new person based on my new experiences. That scared me and pissed me off because I really liked who I was. But she was wrong, the person I was before is back now. It just took time. Don't feel bad about the things you think or feel. Wishing you had cancer and what not. We all think those kinds of things. No one can tell you how to process your emotions or how long it will take. You just have to go through it. That complete hopelessness will disappear at some point. Likely sooner than you think. @forgivenessandpeace is right. I haven't told him about being H+ yet because I have laid quite a bit on him already and I want to give him a breather. Also it's a long distance relationship so I don't see him as often I would like. And further, I'm not so pollyanna about the whole thing either. This is my first disclosure and I'm terrified of getting hurt. I'm going to do it though because, like I said, life has it's ups and downs and if this is a down, that will be shitty, but so what, I'll deal, but if it turns out to be an up, that would be really good. I know you'll get through this. You seem like a strong woman. A working mother of three isn't an easy thing to be. If you ever need an ear to vent to, feel free to send me a message.

This is very interesting! Thanks for posting :)

@Timbbey, I realize nothing anyone says on here is going to change your mind. Like @WCSDancer2010 said, the change has to come from you. You can’t change the past and you can’t change the fact that you have herpes. I know you’re pissed. And you asked for truth and reality, so here it is. In summer of 2013 I got H from a guy I was in an abusive relationship with. That was shitty. I swore off sex and dating just like you. I was pissed at the world. I thought this was the worst thing that could have happened to me. Then in fall 2013 I was diagnosed with cancer. And that was shitty too. I had six months of chemo. I lost all my hair. My long, beautiful hair. I felt like someone had stripped me of my femininity.The low self-esteem that developed during that relationship told me that no one would ever want a 27 year old who had cancer, no hair or eyebrows, may be infertile and has herpes. But guess what…no matter how shitty I felt, tomorrow still came and I still had to keep going. The cancer is gone now. So that is good. Really good. And this summer I met a guy. A really cute, nice, smart, successful, funny guy. He knew I had cancer and he still pursued me. We’ve been dating for a while now. So far I’ve had to take my wig off in front of him, and he still said I was beautiful, even though I didn’t think I was. I had to tell him that the cancer might come back, but he didn’t leave. I told him about my fears of being infertile and he didn’t run, even though I know he wants kids. And next time I see him, I’m going to tell him about being H+, and something tells me it’s all going to be ok. The reason I’m telling you this is not to say having herpes isn’t so bad, because to you, it is. Everyone’s issues are relative to their situation. And if I’m being honest, there were days when I would be so sick from chemo and still think I’d take cancer over herpes, but other days I would say I’d take herpes over cancer. What I’m trying to say here is that life will go through phases of being really really shitty and really really great with a lot of mediocre days in between. The thing is don’t fight what you’re feeling. If you’re in a mad phase, get f-ing mad! If you’re sad, then cry until you can’t anymore. Scream and punch a pillow and feel what you’re feeling. And when life gets good again, smile and laugh and enjoy that time, because it will get bad after that and then it will get good and so on and so forth until the end. And just like life, some people in this world are good and some are bad, and some are mediocre. But like life, you can’t control how they’re going to react so you kinda just got to go with it. Maybe you think this is still a load of bull but I thought it might be useful to hear another perspective.

I've often thought about this too. I often thought that it was easier for H+ men than H+ women because stereotypically, women are more nurturing than men, and would therefore, be more accepting of something like herpes. However, this thought makes me say blechhh because gendered stereotypes, or any stereotypes for that matter, are exactly what go us into this stigma-filled mess in the first place. I think it's easier for people to disclose when the person on the receiving end of the disclosure is open and willing to be educated. Gender, race, income level, and any other socio-demographic factor don't matter in the end. It's about the person you choose to disclose to. But even more than that, it's about you. If you start thinking you're a fantastic catch, others will follow. That's a fact. And as @peggy said, life is way too short. Chin up @seeker. It's going to get better and it's going to get worse so you might as well do exactly what you want right now.

Hi All, It's been quite some time since I have been active on the forum. I am happy to report that things have been going well in my life. I can say that a lot of the barriers I have been facing these past couple years have been knocked down. Although it’s a process, I am learning to accept that this is reality and herpes doesn’t seem like such a big deal anymore. After a tough two years, I have had lots of happiness and success in all aspects of my life. I took a bit of a hiatus from the dating world but this summer I found myself back in the game. I started seeing a guy that I had known in a previous life, however, it turns out we weren’t right for each other and I ended it. We never had sex and so I never disclosed. There is a lot of talk about herpes being a wing-man on here and I never fully understood what that meant until that relationship. In the past, I probably would have slept with him a lot sooner and perhaps been stuck in a relationship that wasn’t going anywhere. Around the time I broke up with the summer boy, I met another guy. After one hour of conversation our connection was apparent. I’m talking butterflies in the stomach kind of connection. He is kind, smart, successful, funny and attractive. And the best part is, he thinks I’m all those things too. Did I mention he lives two provinces away and we’ve already been on three dates! He’s been very accepting of some pretty heavy stuff I’ve told him, but I’m still scared he won’t be accepting of my H friend. I am not ready to have sex yet but I think I will be in the near future. I’m so scared to tell him as this would be my first disclosure. Any advice on disclosure is welcome. I think I’m just looking for someone to tell me to do it. So please, tell me to do it!

This is so great! Thanks for posting! Yay progress!

I do this all the time. Most often when I'm watching a romantic comedy or a Nicholas Sparks inspired film, where a plot line of herpes would obviously NEVER happen. As they are making out and about to "make love" I always imagine one of them saying "I have herpes."

I totally see where you ladies are coming from. Sometimes I have a voice that creeps into my head and tells me that if I could just get a guy to say "I'm ok with you having H" then I will know that everything will be ok. But the worry there is that you settle for the first guy that accepts the fact that you have H. If that's the case, you probably won't be very happy after all. As Dancer said, focus on you first. Figure out what you like to do and freaking do that! It takes real work to get out of your own head after you've been there for so long but the result, as dancer said, is freedom. You've got one life and you're living it right now, so enjoy it, because when it comes down to it, it's just you and yourself. Of course, that is easier said than done, but if you can learn to live your life for you, you will attract someone you ACTUALLY LIKE! And you'll like them based on your interests and values rather than the fact that they accept that you have H. I can tell you that it's going to happen for you. You're going to meet someone at some point in the future, so in the mean time live your life. Enjoy the people who are in it right now. And I know this is cliche but think about your past crushes/relationships. Did they come from an intense man hunt? Probably not. The best ones come around when you least expect it.

What a great story! I'm really proud of you Herry. Way to go!

As someone who is dealing with both cancer and herpes at the moment, I feel like I might be able to offer some insight. When I had cancer and didn't know it yet, I only experienced two outbreaks. The first outbreak disappeared in a few days with suppressive drugs, and the second one was so mild that I didn't need take anything. Keep in mind the type of cancer I have, or should I say had, really does a number on your immune system. I am currently undergoing chemotherapy. At the beginning I would get an outbreak after each chemo treatment. It was pretty annoying but nothing more than that, and the further along I get with the treatment, the fewer outbreaks I experience. My oncologist gave me suppressive meds but I have yet to use them during treatment. My outbreaks haven't been that bad even though my wbc count has been extremely low for the past 5 months. Besides, if you're on your deathbed facing cancer I can almost guarantee that herpes will be the last thing on your mind. If it does happen to be on your mind you'll probably be wishing you didn't spend so much time worrying about it. Try not to get ahead of yourself. The anxiety of an unknown experience is usually far worse than the experience itself.

This is so exciting and inspiring! Congratulations! Hearing these success stories never gets old!

Thank you so much for taking the time to read through that. I really felt like I had no where else to turn. Knowing that someone out there read my story means a lot. I know that you're right. I have to close this door forever. At this point I know that I can't do it alone. I actually have an appointment with a therapist on Thursday. I know it's going to be a long journey but I think this is the first step. You're so supportive and attentive to everything people post on here. I hope that you are receiving an equal amount of love and support in your life. Thank you for what you do.

This morning I woke up feeling depressed. This is something I can’t seem to shake lately. Although there are external factors likely adding to this depression, the truth is that most of it has to do with H, and the guy who passed it along to me. I’ve told my story on here before but I didn’t go into much detail about the relationship surrounding my diagnosis. When I met him in 2012 he was really into me. I mean really into me. He treated me like he had never met someone so amazing in his life. The thing was, I didn’t even really like him that much but he persisted and I agreed to go out with him. Things were great for a long time. I really opened up and became vulnerable to him. This is a big deal in any relationship, but it was a huge deal for me because until he came along, I hadn’t opened up to anyone. After a year of what I thought was a really open and trusting and greta relationship things started to change. Phone calls and texts would go unreturned, excuses were made, but I turned a blind eye. I’m so angry at myself for all the missed opportunities that I had to stand up for myself and leave him. I’m still so angry. He made it seem like I was absolutely crazy for being suspicious. I started making excuses for him too. It makes me so sad to think about how many times he lied to me. I was so honest and tried so hard. One day this past summer, he came over to my house (he is still stringing me along at this point) and we slept together. Immediately I felt the pain of my first outbreak. The sad part is that even this wasn’t enough for me to standup to him. If anything, it made me weaker. A couple weeks later, a friend told me he’s been seeing another girl for months. Still, I can’t let go. We never actually broke up. I never actually got closure. And I’m so embarrassed to admit that I still talk to him. To this day. He is with this other girl, but he still texts me saying I’m the one he wants to be with, that i’m the one he wants to marry. And I believe him. Probably because my self-esteem is at an all-time low. There are other things going on in my life that have put things on hold for a while. I had to move back in with my parents, which is far away from my friends (whom I became very isolated from during this relationship), I’m not working at the moment and I’ve had to take time off school. I have nothing to distract me. I feel like I can’t move on while I’m at such a standstill. I’m craving human connection. Just someone that I can talk to openly about everything. So I go to him because I don’t feel comfortable with anyone else. I know this seems like it has more to do with a bad relationship than with H, but I constantly find myself wondering, “if he didn’t give me H, would I have found the strength to move on?" I know I must sound crazy. I’ve been having such a hard time lately, and I thought writing it out might help. Any conversation or advice is more than welcome.

I have read quite a few posts on here about Brene Brown. This morning I stumbled across her Ted talk. I'm sure it's been posted on here before, but I thought I would post it again just in case anyone missed it. Very inspiring stuff here. It's worth a watch if you have the time.

I had a conversation with a very wise individual last night. We were speaking of the challenges of living with an incurable disease. I'm not sure if herpes is classified as a disease but I think these words apply nonetheless. To beat or cure a disease to to do it through acceptance... Accept the pain, the ugliness, the sickness, the unease. Accept the love that those around you give, the prayers. Accept the alone time and live each day knowing that yesterday is history. I hope these words speak to you in the same why the did to me. Love you all!

I love this idea! I am grateful for mint chocolate chip ice cream

@Herry... That girl is mean. I say good riddance. You mentioned you weren't looking for a "poor guy" comment but it sounds like you need a pick-me-up. The following is a list of qualities you possess that would make any girl swoon: 1) You are hands down the wittiest person on this forum. 2) You are a phenomenal storyteller, wonderful narrative and flow. 3) You possess impeccable spelling and grammar know how (I'm afraid you're judging mine right now). 4) You are a great researcher, a wealth of factual information (ok...maybe only the nerdy girls will swoon at this). 5) You have a kind heart. -Written by someone who doesn't even know you but knows the above to be true.

It warms my heart to read this thread. Two lovely gentleman in support of love! Happy love day to you both :)

Thank you all so much for the kind words. I realized that I have never actually told the whole truth to anyone. It was such a cathartic experience to get it all out there. I slept like a baby last night haha. You are such a wonderful group of people with so much insight. I’ve learned a lot about perseverance and survival from reading your posts. On more than one occasion your words have turned a bad day into a good one. I’m grateful to have found this place. I just wanted to clarify that my story wasn’t meant to make everyone think a herpes diagnosis isn’t a big deal. The exact opposite actually. I wanted to share just how big of a deal it really is. It’s interesting to compare the two diagnoses. On the one hand you have something that is relatively harmless to your body but makes you feel worthless, emotionally damaged and shunned from society, while on the other, you have something that is very harmful to your body, however, there is often a cure and people are extremely loving and caring when they find out, sometimes they even hold you in a higher regard just for having it. So which would you rather? It’s hard to say really. For those of you further along in the healing process, the answer may be glaringly obvious, but for us newbie’s, it’s not an easy choice to make. The only thing I know for certain is that in both cases it’s ok to feel sorry for yourself for a moment, but only a moment. After that you have to at least try.

Thanks!