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annieokay

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  1. Hey guys, just a quick question...I’m kinda confused. When I got my first outbreak, I thought it was just a UTI. My clinic took a urine test, blood test, and swabbed a lesion that was there during the time. The urine test came back positive, as well as the swab and blood test. I read somewhere that it takes up to 3 weeks for antibodies to show up in a blood test. Is it possible that I contracted hsv weeks/months ago and the UTI triggered my first outbreak? I know they say you’ll never know who gave it to you but it’s honestly driving me insane that I don’t know who gave it to me. And I’m not sure of it’s worth telling past partners if they can be eliminated from my list of potential givers. Any feedback or or opinions would be of much help!
  2. Hey guys. I really need to get this out and I feel so lost and alone and have no one to talk to. Maybe you guys can help. My story is very complicated, but I was hoping that someone who understands could help me decipher my delimma. So about my story: 4 months ago I was diagnosed with GHSV. I am so confused by my results and who gave it to me and letting it go & and forgiving myself as well as the person who gave it to me. At the first signs of my first outbreak, I immediately thought it was the guy I had slept with just a couple days before my first symptoms(we'll call him guy B). I told him as soon as I got my results back and he got tested. A few weeks later, he told me his results were negative. Since then my mind has been reeling with thoughts of who it could of been and how it happened, how I could have prevented it. I started debating whether it was someone I had sex with, with a condom, just a week or two before the other guy (lets call him guy A) or possibly a partner that I had had 6-7 months before. My results from my doctor were very unclear. I asked her which strain it was and she said that it didn't matter, that it was genital and thats the only thing that matters. She also said that I contracted it recently, that it want dormant in my body. Logically guy A was less likely to have given it to me, right? We used a condom...With my partners before and after him, we didn't use condoms as religiously as we should have... And if I contracted it around that time, and had symptoms directly after guy B, and he claims his results were negative ( I never really got written proof, not sure if anyone does these days), what are the odds that I didn't transmit it to him especially since I supposedly have just gotten it myself? Im going back and forth on if guy B is lying to me about his status or if I was just that unlucky to have contracted it from someone that I did "everything right" with or maybe it was from a past partner? I dont know.... After my first OB, I didn't know what to do. I didn't know if I should reach out to guy A or my partners before him. Especially since I feared that they would expose me, that they would call me a ton of untrue things and it would send me over the edge. I know some of you may think thats foolish of me, for not telling them. But its my choice. And I know who these men are and what they are capable of, clearly this is why I stopped talking to them. I know I made grave mistakes by even deciding to sleep with them in the first place, and I honestly hate myself for my choices in men. I am trying to save myself from more humiliation and possible public humiliation by not disclosing to them. I've been trying to come to terms with this and accept it. But its so hard for me to forgive myself, especially since around the time I was diagnosed, it was the most"promiscuos" I have ever been. And for coming to terms with the fact that I have not disclosed for reasons I mentioned previously. Im trying to not see this as a punishment, especially since I did use a condom, I did the right thing- I was having safe sex. I was doing what any normal 20-something year old woman does. And I still got it.I just keep thinking why me, why now? Why did I do this to myself when everything I did could've been prevented? I keep reading posts on here and its comforting to know that its more common than I thought it was, and that its supposedly no big deal. That herpes happens and its not your fault, its not something you could have controlled. That its still possible to transmit it with a condom and herpes doesn't discriminate. But it is so difficult for me to see it that way. If I had never made the choices of men that I had, I would have never been in this situation. Whats really getting me is that I now have a disease. Someone that I trusted with my body gave me an incurable disease. And now I can never say I am STD free. How do I get passed this and move on and let go of the things I coulda shoulda woulda done? Do I disclose to these people even though it risks my mental health? How do I forgive myself for the choices I've made? Is my doctor right-does it really not matter if I have HSV 1 or 2? I dont know what to do moving forward with dating and how to say no to people without explaining why. How do you even disclose? I have a million questions about the logistics of this disease because I cant understand how or under what circumstances I even got it. If you have any suggestions or have a similar experience please, I am open to any support I can get right now. I am currently going through my 2nd OB and trying to decipher what triggered it and how to prevent any others. Any piece of mind would help greatly.
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