misskellyrenee

Thats all fine and good, but where does that leave us folks with type 2 who do still get symptoms even 4 years later. God forbid I cut myself shaving. I can still pass it, its still a conversation. I'm not saying I'm letting the stigma get to me, but it still has to be a talk. Even when I haven't made a huge deal out of it, it still becomes a big deal to the other person.

The guy and i still talk on a daily basis and are pretty good friends. I asked him how much Herpes had to do with breaking it off with me and kind of dodged the question and said that he had some personal issues he needs to work on and that he's sorry for leading me on but that he "admires me for my strengths and honesty." blah blah blah. When it comes to what all the guys who rejected me have in common, there really isn't anything. I mean, I'm a white girl and they were all hispanic but that literally has nothing to do with it. I've been rejected by jocks, tech guys, college grads and people who never went to college. If I'm attracted to the dude and they seem nice, I give them a shot, I've increased my age preference from the ages of 26-35. I really do think I'm being fair. I had an interesting convo with my brother and sister in law last night. They were asking me if I had told my parents I had it, since I've had it for 4 years. The reason being is that my dad bugs me and bugs my brother about me dating people. He says "I just want to see her settled down already," and asks my brother and me sometimes "what do you think it is? does she just not want to be with anyone? What do you think is going on?" My mom leaves me alone about dating but I do kind of want to get them off my back. I just fear my mom saying something mean. I know she would eventually be supportive but at first she would say mean stuff.

Thank you both for your comments. I've calmed down a bit, but still not feeling my best. The guy texted me today, asking me how I was and talking to me like a friend. I appreciate that, since he's not treating me any different and isn't trying to do the slow fade out which is a nice change. I'm so glad other people don't identify the "herpes as a litmus" test narrative. It has almost never been a way to become more emotionally intimate with someone and usually if they are accepting they will be accepting even if it doesn't come out the way you intend. People who aren't okay with it, won't be okay with it even if you open yourself in the perfect way. Its crazy to me how independent someone's reaction is to their level of education is to their reaction, but then again an education doesn't give you people skills or empathy. Sometimes I've even found the more education someone had they used it against themselves by refusing certain emotional logic or would stop short. I think that is the part that drives me crazy, is I keep trying to improve my choices but there seems to be no logic into who will be an accepting person. I appreciate both of you for commenting and just keeping it real and honest. Sometimes the inspirational stuff isn't what I need to hear- i just need reality.

So its been a while since I've been here. The last time I was here I posted about how I put my status in my profiles and then someone screenshot it and posted it all over the internet. I took my response videos down because I had been looking for a job and didn't want them to be found. This next guy I've known for about 6 months. we texted daily and only recently started hanging out. I thought he liked me for me and seemed like a standup dude. In the heat of the moment I didn't anticipate things going as far physically as they did so I had to stop him and kind of blurted out I had herpes. I had wanted to take my time and say it to him face to face in a calm discussion but there really hadn't been an opportunity. He was a bit rude at first and kind of caught himself and was better about it. I felt bad so I wrote something out about my whole story about being diagnosed, what it feels like and some of the things I've been through because, and I told him, he deserved to know and i respected him and wanted to share it with him. He went silent and I only recently heard from him after about a week of being distant and a day of outright silence. He apologized, said I was brave but ultimately said he still had feelings for his ex and didn't want a relationship or friends with benefits situation. I just feel hopeless. I've tried dating every which way- herpes sites, disclosing on my profile, being open and honest with men that I like and it gets me nowhere. Its rare that I'm even attracted to someone and want to date them let alone get to a point where I disclose to them. Its still one of the first things I think about when I date someone. It doesn't stop me from flirting with them but I still think the entire time how they are going to react and look for signs. I feel alone and like it won't happen. I'm tired of hearing the "use it as a litmus test" thing because I do, and overall it shows me that most people are shitty and terrible. I know deep down that herpes is not a big deal but I spend so much time trying to convince someone else that it isn't. Its a struggle to love myself and most of the time I just fucking hate me. I hate myself. I'm tired of having hope and I'm tired of having faith. I just don't think it will happen for me.

Yeah, today was different. He wasn't like he was on the date but I still didn't feel like he was right for me. Oh well, at least I got help moving my stuff. HAHAH

Thank you. I'm gonna give it another date maybe just to make sure. I'm also moving apartments today and had asked for help so I know I gotta check it out a bit longer. I haven't been around him long enough for him to be the "my way or the highway" type, but it wouldn't surprise me. The whole thing is just strange to me!!

I ask myself the last question a lot and thats what I am trying to figure out with this guy. I don't know if the things that are bugging me are for real or not. Like we went to a wine bar and he was super pretentious about how to taste wines. Hes probably just trying to impress me, but it just bugged me a bit. I think the part the bugs me may be the need to fix me. It may be a talk I need to have with him. I don't want to be fixed or for him to guide me. I don't need him to tell me how much he knows about relationships and how to be a good dude- just be a good dude. Also, he spent the night at my place the other night- took a dump in my bathroom, asked for a spare tooth brush and asked to use some of my deodorant. Like Ive been on two dates with the dude and its so familiar so fast. He saw that I had condoms on the floor and it irritated him. Granted, I was just a student and they give out condoms all the time plus I'm a single girl and up until a few nights ago, I didn't even think we were pursuing anything. What he saw was a condom wrapper (from maybe a week ago?) but not like, a used condom. He said it hurt his feelings but that it was okay. Also, I have this dudes watch from April. It didn't end on a positive note and I keep asking him to come pick it up he won't respond. I don't want to throw it away (it's a kenneth cole watch) but I have no use for it, and its not like it sells for a whole lot on amazon. Other than that, its just taking up space. So i don't know what it is. I didn't even expect to hear from him until he said he moved back into my area on tuesday, and its really off putting that there is this automatic expectation of intimacy and relationship like status. My first instinct is to run away.

So I met this guy back in march when I went to Vegas and we were talking ever since. Seemed to be a nice guy, into me, and all that. He just graduated and is a Dentist. Keep in mind I have not had many great relationships so my patterns aren't the best. It can be hard to determine whether or not I'm with someone who is wrong for me vs me being a commitment-phobe. I told him I had herpes and he interrupted me and told me he was fine with it and launched into the "I accept you, you're not damaged goods, you're worthy of love" and all that. You would think that would make me feel fantastic but it didn't. While I am happy he accepts me for me, I also didn't get to tell my story. I didn't get to talk about how hard it was, which makes all his reassurances feel strange because I didn't mention at all struggling or feeling bad about it. He did want me to get back on the acyclovir and was adamant about it and the next day said "okay, your first order of business is calling your doctor and getting that prescription filled!" Which kind of felt condescending to me. There were other things that weirded me out. Like when I started to share some of my relationship history he would kind of stop me and give his two-cents and advice as opposed to just acknowledging that I went through something shitty. He also had the audacity to stop me on the date and ask if I was nervous because I was "talking a million miles a minute and he couldn't get a word in." It was just strange being treated like a girlfriend when I don't really know the guy well. I felt like he was trying to prove to me how emotionally intelligent he is and how much he knows as opposed to just being an example of it. I mean he is a fun guy and we do get along. There was just a lot of cringe-worthy moments.

@2letit2quit It's not that I don't see the validity in waiting. I get why people wait awhile before disclosing. I guess I've never been in a situation that supported waiting a long time. One of the situations the guy was trying to sleep with me and I knew I HAD to say something about it. He said he would think about it and then never contacted me again. That sucked but he was never going to be worth being vulnerable for it seems Same with this other guy. We were having the "when was your last relationship," type of talks, had been talking for a couple weeks. i could have waited a bit longer with him but his reaction was more about the "lack of control." Something he was never going to be okay with. I just tend to wait until sex is imminent and is going to happen in the near future. Sex isn't something I see as being very intimate or as a marker of trust or love. I know it CAN be but I've never seen the point of waiting when you both are into each other. I usually openly disclose on my dating sites to avoid the conversation. I met the two guys mentioned above on dating sites where I didn't disclose yet. I could see waiting with someone I meet offline for a bit longer but again, I haven't had that experience. I just don't get a chance to go out or meet people since I've been a student for forever in a female dominated major.

@2legit2quit I usually will disclose either when things start to get hot and heavy, or when I think things are heading in the relationship direction. I usually disclose on my dating sites but there were sites where it wasn't conducive to that. Both instances were within a week or two. I've only had 2 instances where I had a sit down disclosure, other times were on sites where the guys knew ahead of time, and the others were casual sex things. I know where people are coming from when they say to hold off and let them get to know you first, but I also tend to do it for my protection because I don't want to get attached to them or emotionally invested only for them to bolt. I try to keep my emotions taken care of with it because at the end of the day, I am all I've got.

I tried to do that with my roomie/ friend. I messaged here essentially what I wrote up there. How I just want someone to feel that with me for a bit and know where I am coming from, to just acknowledge that it sucks. Her answer was "We've all been through unfortunate stuff and the world would be a miserable place if we all carried around each other's pain." I tried to explain it further about how I didn't want advice or anything and she finally agreed. But yeah, its the fear of "I don't know what to say," and other similar things. I do try and accept it but it makes it so uncomfortable. When people say "I'm really worried" or "I'm concerned," I don't know what to tell them. I don't know because now I have to comfort them or I don't know what they are looking for or what they expect. I COULD go to therapy again but I've been through therapy off and on for 10 years for depression and anxiety and honestly, I don't know how much more therapy I can take. As far as compliments go, I've gotten really good at saying thank you and all that, I just never believe it. Its not that I don't believe there are good things about me, its just that deep down, I don't see them as special. I've thought things were special about me, but it never keeps people from abandoning me. I've just never given myself any credit and when I do, I quickly forget it.

I haven't yet. I still get nervous about it. It can be difficult to share things even with those I care about. I usually just don't say anything. I share stuff that I've been through, but again, getting sympathy can be really strange and I don't know what to do. Getting sympathy is preferable to having someone try and fix my situation, but its part of what makes talking uncomfortable.

I'm not a fan of talking about how much it sucks to disclose and have it fail. To be honest, I have much better luck disclosing for casual sex than I do for relationships. Now, before someone posts the "Herpes as a relationship filter," video, I should say outright that I am not a fan of hopeful talk. It bothers me and actually ends up doing the opposite. I have heard the "someday," talk for as long as I can remember and each time I can remember getting pissed off and irritated. I end up feeling like they say it because they don't know what else to say. That is why I hate talking to people who don't have herpes about disclosures that did not succeed. I live with two girls who are great and are my friends but I feel high resistance when talking to them. One of the girls is supportive but she tends to be the overly optimistic "someday!" type and it keeps me from wanting to open up. i don't want to hear "someday," and I don't want to hear "never," either. I want someone to just sit and face my reality for a moment. Sit and face the idea that on top of already having a horrible relationship pattern that I am trying to break, I also have this additional filter. I have tremendous issues with abandonment and have dated neglectful people so I have significant trust issues. Facing these disclosures that don't end in a relationship hit me really hard because it is a double whammy for me. My reality is that it is going to be that much harder to find someone who will love me for me. All i want when I tell others about this is for them to not tell me what they think I want to hear, but to sit and feel with me. Feel the uneasiness and insecurity about your love life not just as someone with herpes, but as an emotionally scarred person. Feel my previous abandonment and how each new relationship refusal feels like a new one. Feel it. Its not that I don't want to feel hopeful, its just that inspirational stuff makes me feel worse because i tend not to believe in it. It's not that I don't believe I am worthy, it just doesn't feel genuine. It feels like trying to believe in Santa long after you have found out he isn't real- you get the point but deep down you know it's a bit fake. Its a tough spot because I know I should talk to other people, but they can't give me what I need because I don't even know what I need from them in the first place. I don't think others are even equipped to handle this kind of situation. I have friends who sometimes say (about other things,) "I'm not quite sure what to do." I just know that I can't talk about this with a lot of the people around me because that is the mentality.

Thank you! :D

Hey all, I filmed another video about exactly why I disclose herpes publicly. Maybe this will be where I post updates and new videos. I realize this could be super helpful for newly diagnosed peoples well as those of us still struggling sometimes! Feel free to watch, share, and comment! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pwBzw_ZZ_Qo

@WCSDancer2010 I hope i didn't come across as forceful with that, it was just a different angle, hope I emphasized that its an optional thing. I meant to more emphasize that our dating life and sex life isn't over because of H. I kinda meant that I come from the "non committed" angle as opposed to the relationship angle.

Hey there! I kind of offer a different angle. I am going to be 25 and have been living with H for about a year and a half. I openly disclose on my dating sites and have had great results with it. I get a lot of positive messages and I get left with the people who really want to talk to me. What I discovered by openly disclosing is I find men who want to date me and I find men who want to sleep with me, so in both senses its refreshing- my dating life and sex life isn't dead. I've been on dates but haven't really had a relationship where the other person is cool with H, however, searching for a relationship hasn't been a priority due to school and a very very uncertain future (will I be in NorCal, SoCal, Colorado, who knows!), but in my experience with the dating sites, I know that if I pursued a relationship, I could get one if I really tried at it. Ultimately, disclosing on your profile is up to you and is a personal choice and one in which you need to take your personal and mental health into account. The take away is that your dating life isn't dead because of H. Just like relationships in general, they take practice and the way you disclose now may not be how you disclose later and you will find what works the best for you.

Again, I want to say, I am not disrespecting or dismissing the "I don't want to put my health at risk," claim as much as I am trying to get at the thinking behind it. What we have listed- changing our sex/exercise habits, the psychological aspect, etc, are all great points. These are also discussions and elaborations that "I don't want to put my health at risk," don't provide. All I really was referring to is that sometimes I feel like others use this as a blanket statement as opposed to saying "I fear the stigma behind being a person with herpes," "I am not prepared to adapt my life for herpes." Granted, my ex gave me that speech as he pulled away "I just need to think about my health," while giving no indicator of what part of his health he was fearing. I've also had others who said similar stuff, but who aren't educated on exactly what herpes is.

I was thinking of this a lot today, and nothing really triggered it, necessarily. One of the most common reasons H- people give to H+ people for why they don't want to be intimate with us because they "don't want to risk their health." While I recognize one's decision to not risk getting herpes, and this is not an attack on them as much as I question the real meaning behind "I don't want to put my health at risk." My general thought is it is a nice way of saying 'I don't want to get herpes," which is understandable. However, I can't help but be an indicator of how little people know about Herpes. We who have it know it as not much more than an annoying skin condition. The first outbreak is awful, but other than that it doesn't affect our physical health much more than anything else. It is not as if we are passing a debilitating illness, or something that will eventually kill us or someone else. Again, it is their life to decide what to do with and I won't berate any person for not wanting to get herpes, I just have never fully understood when some people use the reason, "I don't want to risk my health." I was wondering if anyone else had a theory on why others say this, or if it irritates you when others say that too.

@ihaveittoo Thank you for the comment, really appreciate it and the kind words! @fitgirl I agree, oftentimes the people who act out are just acting that way because that is how they would feel about themselves if they got it. Sometimes they have it and don't even know it. Mind. Blown. @YogaJ12 Thank you, it doesn't happen over night for sure, but you get there in your own time in your own way. Keep goin, you'll get there. @Cars 85 I really appreciate that, and I love that my bravery inspired someone else. I'm so happy you took that step to put your picture up, step by step. Keep on keeping on, my friend.

OMG I loved that! I think you can make fun of almost anything when it's done in the right way. Awesome. It also didn't paint herpes to be "disgusting" or anything.

I do want to do more videos if interest picks up.

BTW @WCSDancer2010, thank you for that comment. MUCH appreciated, and I loved how you pointed out that he may very well have herpes, that shuts people right up.

I really love all the support right now. Can't wait until others going through this see my video.

Here is the video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d26ErlcT5u4