Aerial2013

SERS, WOW! Thank you for such honesty! It's a privilege to be among the community that get to read your most personal thoughts on this journey. "I will not let this virus destroy the opportunities I have in front of me"...well said. For me, H IS the opportunity. It has given me so many opportunities, I don't know where to begin. The opportunity to forgive myself or continue living a life of shame...care for and protect myself or continue leaving myself off of my "to do" list...LOVE myself or loathe myself. I've learned SO much that was always going on in my life, I just never saw it until I picked up a sort of lens called Herpes. As far as love...I don't how things will go for you. But I can share that when the light bulb finally went off for me that I AM important. I AM valuable. I AM loveable...Only then did I begin to attract the kind of positive, loving people I always wanted in my life. I never understood why I didn't naturally attract such people...well, I believe now it was because I never felt that way about MYSELF! Learning to love ourselves is the BEST way can "gift" our future partners with a love we actually understand! Best Wishes, and THANK YOU for being SO open and vulnerable here!

Herry, Does the Lysine help you in a major way? I'm getting mixed reports. Thanks! And OMG...WCSDancer...U r TOO funny!!!! "Not since the OJ Simpson chase has America been so disappointed in a slow white Bronco" lmAo!!!

daja315, Welcome to the site and congrats on your baby! :) Hang in there and take a nice deep breath. Give your baby the gift of keeping this in perspective, and do whatever you can to relax yourself. My early outbreaks weren't my worse ones. Most of the time oBreaks start off bad and gradually get milder. Mine have been the opposite. My first one only consisted of two little blistery like bumps. They got progressively worse. I haven't had an oB for almost 2 months, but my last one in November was bad. The blisters seemed to cover me! I'm a little older and my "baby" is a junior in high school, but I can honestly say that if I even thought I was having an oB, I'd request a c-section. I'm in nursing school now, and am floored at just how common H is! Most of the nurses I've talked with believe that c-section is the safest way to go if 1) there are any signs of an oB or 2)a patient is in the very early stages of H oBreaks when most shedding is happening. I'm not offering medical advice, let me be very clear...I am NOT qualified to give that kind of advice. I'm simply offering my thoughts based on recent experiences. Best Wishes to you!

Hi honeydukes! I want to share with you a GREAT recipe that a wonderful lady on this site (Lelani) shared with me. It WORKS! I got better relief with this than anything else I tried, and it kept my panties from sticking in the worst way! Gently (slowly) melt about 100mL of organic coconut oil and add 10 to 20 (I used 15) drops of tea tree oil (from health food store). Store in a container (I used an old babyfood jar) that can be tucked into your purse. It's VERY convenient and works really well. I add it liberally everytime I go to the bathroom during an oB, being careful not to "double dip". Like I said, it helps with the sticking panties, the itching, the burning when you pee, etc. I'm very careful, though, not to get it inside my labia area, near my urethra or vaginal opening. Best wishes. It does get better, and what a BLESSING that you have such a supportive husband! Let us know how you're doing. I'm in nursing school, and was feeling your pain of a 12 hr shift in the midst of early oBreaks. :( Hang in there.

I've done some online dating, and have met someone I'm really enjoying getting to know! :) I have an opinion about safety for us ladies...e-mail only through the site at first and consider any inconsistencies you discover in those e-conversations to be major red flags! Don't give out your personal e-mail until you feel comfortable that you're talking with an authentic and honest person. For me, giving out a more personal e-mail was just a little step to building a little more trust. For some of us, texting comes next. I used texting as a sort of filter...I have two kids and a busy college schedule, so if I asked him to please not call me, but just text for now...it was a good way to see if I could trust him. Afterall, if I can't trust him to respect something to simple, why would I trust him to respect my heart? Then, voice phone calls, and eventually meeting face to face...which should ALWAYS be in a very public place the first time or two. Have your own transportation at first, don't let him pick you up until trust has been built. I have found that individual timeframes vary drastically. Just be good to yourself, view yourself as valuable and worth protecting. Best wishes Victoriaxxx. WCSDancer..."It was just another conversation"...I LOVE this and wish I could join you! How refreshing! :)

I am REALLY looking forward to this!!!!!

I want to go out on a limb here and be vulnerable to the community. I know most of you will take this in and handle my authentic heart with care. I was advised many times in the first weeks/couple months of my diagnosis to "not limit dating options in the future to only H+ partners". The concern, of course, is that we actually enable ourselves to mask the reality of shame, selling ourselves short yet again, and risking not finding genuine compatible love because we're not willing to consider that it could be found outside the H pool. This makes perfect sense to me. But I want to share genuinely from my heart this latest part of my journey. I decided to begin chatting and getting to know people through a popular STD+ online dating site. At first, I admit, I was engaging in this out of the fear that I would never be able to guarantee a partner that he wouldn't get H from me. By the time I was finding truth and allowing myself to be free of the stigma, I had discovered at least one man who wasn't on the site out of shame OR fear, and I was intrigued. We started getting to know each other and...well...it's unfolding beautifully! I don't know how to describe what it's becoming yet...Suffice to say that mutual respect, mutual adoration, and shared common goals are laying a foundation for something I believe could be VERY beautiful! So far, we are thoroughly enjoying getting to know each other, and even learning more about H as we journey together. We are feeling VERY blessed that we get this chance to be together. While it's clear we are both looking forward to the possibilities of a future, we also respect each other's independence and goals enough to take it slow and look for the blending of our lives to unfold naturally. We're even learning more about H and the latest research together. I would NEVER have wanted to stay in the fear or the shame of the stigma. But I have to tell you...it wasn't shame that led me to this amazing man, nor was it shame that led him to me. It was simply an "opportunity" that H provided us. I don't think we would have met were it not for H. The perspective on it we share is that there are many others like us out there...overcoming the stigma to find that we are really strong, amazing individuals with hearts that are fully connected. I'm thankful for the relationship that is unfolding with this H+ man, and I'm REALLY glad that we met exactly the way we did! Just thought I'd share that, at least for me, choosing this path has nothing to do with shame...it's simply been the unfolding of what is wonderfully mine...it's my heart! And I'm getting to share it in the most authentic way I know how with a man who feels as lucky to know me as I do to know him!

Amen sista! Me too...it's just TOO good when it's good to settle for anything less! ;)

"I'd ask you to REALLY look at your life and see if there is something that you know, deep down inside, that needs to change. And then, as soon as you can, change it. I would venture to guess that the symptoms would lessen immediately." This has been VERY true for me!

I've never found love in sex without intimacy. I've never found intimacy in the absence of openness and honesty. Over and over again, I find that openness and honesty take time. Sometimes aLOT of time...sometimes just a little. In the end, sex is BEST when I share the act(s) with someone I'm intimately connected to. In the absence of that kind of connection, it's just a shallow physical exercise. I've certainly felt the need for shallow physical exercise, don't get me wrong...but in my quest to truly love myself, I've come to a place of wanting to be with someone who can be deeply intimate. If the two of you can experience genuine intimacy, then go for it! If you have doubts, consider the proverbial "pause" button so that you both have time to process the potential of what you already know about each other. Best Wishes!

WOW! Awesome...checking it out now...

Oh, and my symptoms have decreased as well...no oBs for 2 months! :D

My last 2 outbreaks have followed symptoms of itching...feeling like a kind of "deep" itching in the muscle of my inner thigh. This started about 6 days before my outbreak, then 4 days before the blisters appeared, I had the same feeling, like a deep itch I couldn't scratch on the back of the same leg just below my butt cheek. I read the article that Adrial linked to above, and got the idea to journal early on in my diagnosis. Then all of a sudden, I had two outbreaks in a row with the same exact symptoms in the same time frame. I'm REALLY glad I was writing down those symptoms that I thought were just random. By writing them down I'm fairly certain that I discovered at least 2 specific prodrome symptoms of mine. For me, it's part of taking responsibility to know my body and its responses better than I ever have. In my future, if I have a partner who is H-, I'll have the confidence I need to speak clearly and frankly about the virus, and what we can do to keep him as safe as protected as possible. Best wishes!

Lelani, your words are ALWAYS spot on! I haven't been on for a while but just a post here and there, and it's good to read your words again! I am in a constant state of "processing" the reality of life with H. The feeling of being kicked in the gut when I had my first oB has certainly passed, but "processing" it for me is ongoing. I think about H much less often than when I was first diagnosed, though, and many of the actions I've taken to help my body live with the virus...well, they've been GREAT blessings. Of course I take my medicine every day, but I also eat better than I ever have, exercise regularly, and most importantly I don't stay in a situation that adds more emotional stress than I'm willing to allow. I've practiced all kinds of ways to set healthier boundaries for myself. I'm VERY careful in those moments when I may commit to things that threaten my sense of balance and peace, because this seems to be directly connected (at least for me) to the frequency of my outbreaks. "Processing" is ongoing for me. It doesn't mean I haven't accepted, and it doesn't mean I'm still self-loathing over the stigma of H like I did in the earliest days/weeks. It just means that life and relationship has an added layer to consider as I move forward. In a way, the "processing" I guess I'm talking about is just the constant awareness I now have that...I really do matter. The choices I make in my life affect the WHOLE me...my body, my mind, my heart...so I'm more careful which things I choose for myself now. I don't say yes to please others or to gain their acceptance. If I say yes, it's because I genuinely want that particular thing/activity/person in my life. If I say no, it's because that particular something just wouldn't work for me at that time. Best wishes to you on your journey!

My outbreaks have lessened, and I am recently diagnosed (less than 1 year). In fact, I haven't had an outbreak for 2 months. I can say for sure that when I began to come to terms with H, I was also coming to terms with my journey, and therefore with myself as a whole person. I believe there has been a direct link between my peace of mind, my immune response, and my decrease in outbreaks. I have one rule of thumb I've decided to live by...if I feel like I'm swimming upstream, I stop, don't do whatever it is, and accept that it might not be meant for me until later, if at all. When I swim upstream, I get REALLY exhausted. When I float down the river in a tube, I get to experience EVERYTHING that is good AND challenging, but I don't wear myself out. I hope you'll forgive me for being so forward, but if this man is already causing you to feel a lack of peace about things in general, perhaps you should press the proverbial "pause" button, give this guy a chance to decide how much HE really wants to be with YOU. Put the ball in his court and let him decide. The LAST thing in the world our hearts need is for a partner in our future to get H and decide to blame us because we couldn't control viral shedding between outbreaks. There are some guarantees we will never be able to make with H, and others will have to decide for themselves if our attempts to be open, honest, and responsible are enough. I sure wish you the best, and hope that this guy is worthy of a heart like yours.

This youtube video is how I found this site! :) Thanks for the reminder, WCSDancer!

"The circle gets small when it starts getting real." Yes, Kristin, it certainly does. My story is SO similar to yours, but I didn't get H from my ex. I got it from a man who only had degraded love to offer me, but I was SO starved for love at the end of a 20 yr marriage of trying to be someone I wasn't that even degraded love seemed like a feast after my separation. This site has led me to SO many revelations about myself! For the first time in my 44 year existence, I know what authentic love is because I have finally placed value on myself enough to love ME! It doesn't mean I'm selfish or self-centered. It means that I SO value the whole person that is within me that I want to be well cared for. It's the only way I have anything valuable to share with the circle of people I love. I never "stopped" loving anyone as I got more "real". But things certainly changed. And as those changes began to manifest in everyday life, I finally had to practice the following words (literally) so that I could be ready to respond to the people I knew who would communicate their disregard for the "new" me...who really isn't the "new" me...just the most authentic me I've ever shown the world... My response is simple: (and this has mostly applied to friends) "I feel for you, I really do. You have a very difficult decision to make. You see, it's not hard for me to continue to love you in spite of our differences. I fear, though, it may be hard for you, and so you have a tough decision to make. Can you continue in relationship with me and love me even if I never do what you think I should? Even if I do what you think I shouldn't? Take all the time you need to think about it. Until then, I sure hope you have a nice day!" My circle certainly did get smaller before it started expanding into new and even more beautiful relationships. Many of my friendships have in fact been restored, even post divorce. Many of my new friendships have felt even deeper and more intimate than ones I've had for 25 years! And the one relationship that is particularly special in my life right now happens to be with a man who truly values the authentic me. He wouldn't want me to be ANY other way. I don't have to "please" him because I already feel ok about myself, and this is exciting, new territory for me! I get REALLY scared sometimes, of course. A teenage boy, a teenage girl, back in school at 44, wanting to be a nurse, but knowing the journey to RN will certainly get REALLY tough. Financial concerns, aging parents, new love (post divorce and with kids)...The road is tough. I am SO thankful, though, for being on the site again (wasn't on over the holidays) and for being counted among the people who get the privilege of reading about your journey. Thank you SO much for sharing and making me think again about the road to "getting real". e-HUGS :)

I'm VERY anti-drug, I'm only 44 and I like my liver and my kidneys very much and would like to keep them healthy for a very long time. However, after much research and lots and lots of agonizing over this virus, I decided that the pharmaceutical anti-viral route was the way to go for me. I still use one remedy, though, that was shared with me by a lovely lady on this site, and it works GREAT! I gently and slowly melt about 100mL of organic coconut oil, add about 10 to 20 drops of Tea Tree Oil (I hit the middle @ 15 cuz I'm a nerd that way), gently stir and store in an airtight container (I used an old baby food jar thanks to my little nephew). When I've had outbreaks, I can conceal the jar easily in my backpack or purse, it melts gently on contact with my finger, and I can apply it liberally...yet it's solid at room temp so it doesn't spill. As you read earlier, both of these are well known anti-virals I'm careful of 2 things: 1)I NEVER "double dip" and 2) I am careful not to rub it near my urethra or vaginal opening, but other than that, I'm generous with it. It soothes itching, burning and "sticking" mostly, which I have found to be among the most uncomfortable things about an outbreak. Welcome to the site, Emily06, and best wishes...whatever route you choose!

I can assure you, I won't be trying acetone any time soon. To each his own of coure...But one remedy I was given recently came from a woman I met on this site who has dealt with H for a while, and it's AWESOME! Works REALLY well for me. It's a homemade mixture of coconut oil and tea tree oil. Heat it very gently in a pot and then add about 20 drops of tea tree oil to 100mls of oil. Store in airtight container and let mixture cool (it will become solid again). Scrape a piece off and rub into affected area. This last outbreak, as soon as I even THOUGHT I was going to get my little blistery visitors, I applied it liberally, and this outbreak was VERY mild. In fact, only one tiny blister that opened right away and was gone within 4 days!!! No pain with this, no stinging, and no interruption in creative and fun exploration! I like that it's natural enough that if I do accidentally get some near my urethral or vaginal opening, it will not cause me as much concern as acetone would. Best wishes!

WCSDancer, unless I misunderstood, it was mentioned in JAMA. I go back next month, and will find out for sure.

Oh, Dr H LOVE!!!! You ROCK!!! Welcome! Reading your story was a pure blessing! I don't know WHAT I would have done without my Conair lighted makeup mIrror...see, I brought out the BIG guns! HA! LOL! Your sharing about being on your bed was as priceless and real as it gets! Thank you! Perhaps one day you will be able to conduct a study in which are found participants from this very site! Perhaps you will be the new young doctor who emerges when society as a whole is really ready to have these discussions. Perhaps you will even hire me, a middle-aged prospective nursing student who is also H+ and too old to care that I'm the oldest student on the waiting list for the 4 yr RN program! Who knows! Your ability to articulate your experiences is INCREDIBLE! Thanks for sharing...and Again, Welcome, new friend!

Ovechkin8, Welcome! Nice to meet you! My own test results have been completely unreliable. My OBs are so textbook in appearance, occurance, and progress, that my Dr said she didn't care about a "supposedly" negative lab, she was dianosing me with H, and even went so far as to say it was most likely Type 2. She and I have since talked about everything from immune response to the actual metabollic process of the two main drugs and how those could possibly impact the test results in some people. Like WCSDancer, I hope we have some medical students or physicians on here to share. For me, I've had to accept for now, a large part of what is the reality of life with H and move forward. It's the only way I can stay sane. SO many people on here have share about their own funky test results lately. My OB/GYN even said that in some circles there is talk of a mutation to the virus that is changing the way we experience symptoms. We may never know unless and until proper research is done. What stands out the most to me in your discussion here is this... I recognize it because this is how I used to talk. You said, "I'm really sorry for this being so long, but I have used mom and sister so much as a support group I'm sure I have tired them out. I'm also seeing a therapist to deal with this and am taking antidepressants." You may want to take a chance on believing that in fact you ARE valuable, JUST as you are, and you don't really bother anyone, ESP here! When you share, it's not just you receiving, it's you giving. You give of yourself, your experiences, your trust. We all benefit and are blessed by yet another person becoming a new friend on this H journey, so take a chance on not apologizing. Even if you do meet someone who isn't interested or who makes you feel bad in some way, you'll meet twenty more who are THRILLED for you to open up and share on here...you just need to risk keeping your eyes up off the floor so that you can see us! Your girl is very lucky, as are you! Bring positive energy to the table and see what wonderful things happen inside of you! Glad you are here, new friend!

...as real as it gets...and finding it REFRESHING to know I'm not alone! Thx brave sistas!

You're welcome! Having a pretty shitty day myself, and walking through it with purpose and intention. I've cried, gotten really angry, sat silent and numb, and laughed my ass off in one day...all over H! I'm not PMSing, not battling depression, and not addicted to any substance, SO the only explanation for today is that I'M NORMAL!!! LOL! Having another o/b, but OB/GYN can't work me in 'til next week. Still may not get an accurate swab. I'm thinking it's time to change Drs if he can't make an active o/b w/weepy blisters a priority for a small time slot to swab! Almost everything I've read says o/b s start out bad and get better. Mine have been the opposite. I started with just a few blisters, and they've gotten progressively worse. I'm just SO thankful for this site, and for a place to discover and just be me!

Hope, it's MORE than a little freaky that we have SO much in common! WOW! And I'm Aquarius too, but I refuse to label myself as having "emotional, confused outbursts"! ;) In fact, I decided about a decade back that we Aquarius women really aren't moody, it's just that some days we take a bunch shit, and some days we DON'T!!! And I LOVE, LOVE what you said about the right man to "complement me rather than 'complete' me"! AMEN sista!!! :-D.