girltryingtodate

Please remember that many of us know exactly how you feel! You are not alone in how you are feeling. It's awful and really hard especially when you are constantly reminded of it with an OB which I am sure spikes your stress level and again causes another OB (vicious cycle). I would try to think about this as a way your body lets you know that something isn't right ... stress is a huge part of OBs (at least for me). I noticed if I do a light workout, eat mostly plant-based, drink lots of water, get plenty of sleep, and meditate then I tend to not have frequent OBs. I know it's hard - oh so hard to deal with this - but you are stronger than this virus and I promise with time it will get better. ❤️

You made me chuckle, thank you for that! I am now feeling much better as I disclosed to him and don't feel like I am hiding something or being dishonest. He was so nice about the whole thing and doesn't have a problem with it which is a relief. It's been good to hear positive support from everyone on here and my friends. I def had made this a bigger deal in my head than it needed to be - just hate feeling like I am not being honest. We live and learn.

Thank you so much for the kind words. I know I have made this a bigger deal in my head than it needs to be but I tend to do that. I am out of a very long term relationship and navigating dating and having to deal with disclosure is all a bit new. I did disclose to him the other day and to my surprise, he has no issues with it. 🙂

I was having a very hard time last week in anticipation of having to disclose to a man I had recently started dating. I had posted on here about how we ended up getting slightly physical (no sex) and I had not disclosed that night. I knew I hadn't exposed him to the virus but not disclosing before getting even slightly physical is not who I am. So in anticipation of now having to have a harder talk I was basically driving myself mad with anxiety and panic attacks. I decided that I just needed to take care of this and let life happen as it will. It's been a while since I've had to have this talk as I recently got out of a very long-term relationship. I spent a lot of time here reading through the success stories and the disclosure pamphlet. I am so grateful for this forum and the information on here. It truly helps to know that we are not alone and that success is possible. So now for the disclosure part ... long story short, the other day I saw him finally and let him know my situation. I was expecting that I would cry and just run off after disclosing but I was completely shocked at myself - I didn't cry and was more confident than I ever thought possible. I suppose writing out a script for myself and practicing saying the words out loud to myself, the mirror, my therapist, and friends really helped. Anyway, I was expecting that he would nicely reject me and I would just have a long cry at home but instead, he told me it's not a big deal and that he knew people who have. I don't know how to explain the relief I felt and the rush of endorphins that filled my body at that moment. I had all the stats ready in case he had questions and all the worst case scenarios playing in my head but instead, it turned out to be an open and vulnerable conversation without any judgment. I cannot express how I elated I have been feeling. Right now I am trying to enjoy this feeling of success and take things one step at a time. Of course, I don't know how this relationship will work out in the long run .. I don't have a magic ball that tells the future .. but even if things do not work out and we go our separate ways I know that there are wonderful humans out there who do not let a stupid virus stand in the way of a possibly beautiful relationship. I also have learned that being vulnerable is powerful and beautiful and really shows a very mature side of the human both disclosing and receiving the information. I surprised myself by being courageous and acting from a place of love, openness, and caring and the universe surprised me right back. Of course in the back of my mind I know that not everyone will react this way but in life, we must learn to love ourselves as we are and accept ourselves before seeking the acceptance of others and herpes is slowly teaching me how to do just that.

I think people need time to research and deal with their feelings. Try not to take it personally that the initial reaction was a rejection - remember they reject the virus or the stigma of the virus and not you. (I know sometimes that's even harder bc they like you but bc of the virus they reject you which seems so unfair.) I've had a situation where I disclosed was rejected and then a week later the person came back - it ultimately didn't work out but for reasons other than the virus. And also, I am trying to think of these scenarios as at least it's one more person who now has a less stigmatized view of herpes. I am now starting to date and it is very hard to reveal such a vulnerable part of yourself to someone and being rejected. But if you really like the person I think it's worth giving it a try. After all, we are all isn't dating really just taking a leap of faith.

Doctors really don't get it. I understand because to them it's just a skin issue and they know that it's not a big deal but to us the stigma and the OBs really impact life. I wouldn't take Valtrex every time before a period unless you feel that you may be getting an OB only because it does impact your kidneys. I'm pretty good at knowing when I am getting an OB - I get very itchy and supper tingly. As soon as I feel like maybe I am getting an OB I take Valtrex. It's been emotionally more draining than anything else on me. I actually went to a psychologist to talk about this and will continue to do so until I feel like I have accepted it. I tried to deal with it on my own but after years I am still distressed whenever I have to disclose to a new partner. (Clearly didn't deal with it correctly just bottled it up.) So now it's time to deal with it properly for me and not for anyone else. I would suggest if you are having a lot of emotional difficulties (depression and anxiety) to make an appointment with a psychologist if you can. I only had one session and already feel a little better. Just talking to someone in real life helps. I hope you're doing well!

I agree about it having to do with maturity more than anything else. I am so happy for you that you've found someone who is mature and educated. The educated part really does make a big difference in the way people view this. I am so sorry about your ex-husband. My college boyfriend was the one who gave it to me after refusing to use protection. Then when I told him, he insisted that it couldn't have been him bc he was clean - but still wouldn't use protection with me even after I told him. I felt so trapped I stayed with him for years even though he was definitely cheating on me and just immature in all the ways you can imagine. (Thankfully that part of life is now behind me.) I've definitely had to reflect on my behavior more now than I would have ever in the past. I used to enjoy casual sex and no strings attached but now I really need to think about what I want and with whom I am willing to be open. It's still hard sometimes because I crave the physical closeness and fear that I won't find someone that will be accepting. I am hopeful. I keep telling myself there is a lesson in this I just need to work on myself and how I view the situation. Life brought this to me for a reason. Some days are easier than others. Right now I am trying to get the courage to disclose this new guy that I was with the other night. I don't know him enough - we've only been out a few times but now since we have been physical I can't continue to see him and not disclose until I feel I am ready to have sex. I think it would be unfair and is leading a person on. The anticipation of rejection is the hardest. But we will see. I just need to start disclosing and feeling comfortable having this talk.

ARGH I am so sorry that you also feel like this. It is the worst shit I've had to deal with. I keep telling myself there is a lesson in this somewhere and there must be a positive in this all but I just can't see it yet. It's so nice that you are open with your mom and that she supports you. Until recently I hadn't opened up to anyone about it bc I had really awful initial reactions from two friends. When I was first diagnosed I told my roommate because I really needed to talk to someone and her reaction was to buy toilet seat covers and make me feel like I was disgusting. Needless to say that it took me very long after that to disclose to others. The other friend I told went and told her boyfriend and all their friends. Thank god I am no longer in that circle of people. I've recently opened up to my sister and it has helped me a lot. I also opened up to a gay friend of mine who was more supportive and open-minded than I could have ever anticipated any human to be. I know what you mean about talking to people ... it really feels like a burden is lifted off your shoulders and like you're just a little bit closer to feeling like yourself. I figure every conversation I have with people I trust will help prepare me for the day I have to disclose to a partner. I want to be open and confident and not feel like I am a diseased unlovable creature. I need to work on the way I see myself. Sometimes I get swept up in making myself perfect to the outside world so that I don't get hurt. I'm hard on the way I look and dress and am always wanting to have the perfect job and personality .. as if somehow all that will make the person I am with see past this disease. I just want to be myself and find someone who can love me for who I am with my flaws.

I'm very sorry you're going through this. My first OB was the worst - it lasted for over three weeks and was super painful. I hope it helps to know that OBs become less frequent and less painful with time. I also take medication for it when I feel I might be getting an OB and it has made a huge difference for me. I would highly suggest talking to your doctor to see what medication would work for you. Please know you are not alone, I know exactly how you feel!

Thank you so much for your reassuring words. Congratulations on finding someone so special! This gives me hope that maybe there is someone out there who will be accepting and loving. I keep reading similar positive stories to give myself hope but I guess the brain is wired to concentrate only on the negative and the fear that comes with having to disclose is debilitating for me. Can I ask you how old are you and your partner? And how long have you been dating before getting physical with each other?

Thank you so much for responding. I am sure in my head I'm making this a bigger deal than it needs to be but I just haven't dealt with it properly yet. I hate that I didn't disclose prior to getting physical ... I'm certain he wasn't exposed to the virus but I still can't help but worry .. all the "what if" questions. I love your attitude on dating. I know it sounds silly but I've been feeling like I will never get to have sex with anyone ever again. I have so much adjusting to do.

I know the girl you are talking about and her videos really help me feel like maybe one day I can be strong enough to deal with it like that. Right now I'm pretty much a mess and when it comes time to disclose I pretty much cry and just turn the situation worse than it needs to be. I'm back to a point where I think I'm just going to stop dating again. Get a cat and just die alone.

I've been now for the past few days really driving myself crazy. I feel so awful that I didn't disclose this and it's really eating at me. I'm just completely losing it. I've been crying nonstop and it's so terrifying thinking about having to now have a conversation that's even harder. Does anyone actually date normally with this? Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't ever drink anymore bc of these types of scenarios. Am I going to always have to cry after every date thinking about the day I choose to disclose before getting intimate with people and waiting for them to reject me? Can't help but think what is the point of dating anymore.

I totally understand you! Please know it gets better with time. I used to get more outbreaks and usually right around the time of my period ... double sucks. I've found that with time the number of outbreaks decrease and the severity def decreases as well. Please look into getting Valtrex or some other suppressant ... it really helps make a big difference (at least does for me). I now get maybe two outbreaks a year and right before I get them I can tell and take medication right away which helps reduce all the symptoms to almost none. With respect to cleaning yourself ... I use dr bronner's tea tree oil soap diluted to wash my entire body. Remember that your private area does not need to be washed vigorously, it's pretty much self-cleaning. Dr bronner's doesn't irritate me maybe give that a try. I would stay away from shaving as much as possible and anything that's chemically/scented.

For me personally, I tend to not get outbreaks often but when I do they are usually right before or during my period. Sometimes I don't get any actual breakout but just the really itchy feeling like that area is on fire. I take Valtrex as soon as I have a feeling I'm getting an outbreak and honestly that helps clear it right up. I highly suggest looking into that as I know how uncomfortable the breakout can be esp when you're on your period.