Hello!
I know how important it is for all of us to read about positive accounts of the “herpes talk.” I know, because I spent time on this forum just reading everything I could find when I first found out I had it, and those stories helped me become okay with my situation.
I’ll start with the back story…
When I found out I had herpes I was recently single. My girlfriend and I had broken up about 2 weeks prior to me seeing the symptoms, getting tested, and getting the news that I was positive for HSV 2.
I had no idea how I’d gotten it because I hadn’t been with anyone else in the 11 months that my girlfriend and I had been dating (or in the 2 weeks between when we’d broken up and I found out I had it.) I knew that stressing over how I got it wasn’t going to get rid of it though, so I didn’t let it bother me too much (although I did wonder about it quite a bit at first, and occasionally still do.)
As far as how I dealt with the news of being positive for herpes, when I found out I had it I was understandably stressed and upset, but not overly so. Since I didn’t have a girlfriend at the time I figured I’d just deal with it as it came up. (I did call my ex and tell her, in case I had somehow given it to her instead of the other way around. I never will know how I got it, or even how long I’ve had it. Maybe I’ve had it for years and never knew.)
Anyway, at that point in my life I wasn’t looking for a relationship and just figured I’d deal with the whole herpes thing when I had to and not worry about it now.
Fast forward to 6 months later. This was about a week and a half ago. I met a very nice girl. Cute, funny, fun to be around… all that good stuff. And she was looking for a relationship.
We got together 4 times in a week and a half and ended up talking every single day since we met.
Things were obviously starting to get serious, so when I was over at her place last night I knew I had to have “the talk” then. It was only the second time I’d been there, but things were starting to go the direction of the bedroom, so I couldn’t put it off any longer.
By the way, I have to note something here before I go further: I was mostly okay during the 6 months I’d been single with the fact that I have herpes. Or I thought I was. I didn’t think that having it had anything to do with the reason I hadn’t been dating. I thought it was all due to the fact that I wanted to spend some time alone as a single guy because I hadn’t really ever done that for any reasonable length of time. But what I realized when I started seeing this girl was that having herpes HAD been holding me back from dating, even if only a little. I only realized it when I started dating again. What I'm trying to say is that even though I thought I had accepted the condition 100%, I really hadn't. I just didn't know it then. I still had more acceptance to achieve.
Back to the story:
Last night I was over at her place for only the second time ever (and our fourth time hanging out, although we'd been connecting really well so it felt a lot longer.) I knew I had to tell her, so I sat her down on the couch (we sat cross legged in front of each other), put my hands on her legs, and told her there was something I needed to tell her. She put her hands on mine and listened (she’s a very considerate listener and I appreciate that about her.)
I then calmly explained the situation.
This is pretty much how it went:
“There’s something I have to tell you that I’ve been putting off. It’s the last thing I want to talk about, but it’s necessary. I know you’re a reasonable person, so I expect you’ll take this as well as possible.
“I have the herpes virus.
“I know there’s an incredibly negative social stigma surrounding it, but in actuality it’s really not such a big deal.”
I then went on to explain how common it is, some of the statistics, and how it’s really similar to a cold sore and that for some reason people accept a cold sore when it’s on your lip but not when it’s elsewhere, and how that’s silly.
I also explained how, despite the social stigma, it’s not a virus that only people who sleep around get. I told her how I hadn’t had symptoms until after my ex and I had broken up and how I had remained faithful to my ex and had no idea how I’d gotten it, so it wasn’t like I was going around sleeping with a bunch of people.
I made sure to pause every few sentences to let her speak in case she had any questions. If she didn’t say anything, I told her a bit more about it until I’d explained the basics, then I asked for her thoughts.
She asked me a few questions about it, which I answered. She mostly wanted to know how being in a relationship with someone who had herpes would affect her. I explained that there are lots of couples where one person has it and the other doesn’t. I told her that as long as we avoid intimacy during outbreaks and use protection otherwise, she should be just fine.
She also wanted to know how often I had outbreaks. I told her that I have them more than I’d prefer but that it wasn’t all the time, and also that they lessen over time as the immune system learns how to fight off the virus. I also told her that there was medication that would reduce the symptoms and the likelihood of transmission and that I hadn’t looked into it yet, because until now, there had been no need.
Then she asked me if I was “having issues” (or however she put it) right now and I told her no.
Then she leaned forward and kissed me.
And kissed me.
And kissed me some more.
And I was dying here because she hadn’t told me what she thought about it and if she still wanted to date me, although judging by her actions I was pretty sure I knew the answer.
So when we were done kissing I asked her, “So are we still good?”
She simply said, “Yes.”
Now, I thought I liked her a lot before that, but after she accepted me for who I was, herpes and all, I liked her even more. She understood that having this virus has nothing to do with who I am as a person, which is what attracted her in the first place.
We became intimate shortly thereafter, and shortly after that we decided to officially become boyfriend and girlfriend. (As opposed to two people who like each other and have been out on a few dates together.)
This was all last night.
All in all, my first “herpes talk” couldn’t have gone any better if I’d planned every word, and for that I am incredibly thankful!
A few things to note:
I consciously avoided the words “breakout,” “transmission,” and anything else that sounded either too medical or scary. Did that have anything to do with her positive decision? Maybe, maybe not. But leaving those words out sure made ME more comfortable during the talk!
Also, you may or may not have noticed that at the beginning of the talk I one of the things I said was, “I know you’re a reasonable person, so I expect you’ll take this as well as possible.”
There’s a reason for that, and the reason is this:
(continued in next post...)