I contracted H about 5 years ago through a series of events as part of a downward spiral of my life. H was the final bow on a life that went from reasonably successful to an utter disaster. (No illegal things involved)
Just to provide some quick background info:
H altered my body chemistry -I had strong body chemistry as a child. (I started using deodorant at 6yo) I was able to finally get it under full control in my college years through a change in diet, staying clean shaven, using an occasional hospital grade wash, and a prescription strength deodorant at night when the weather got over 70 degrees. Since I contracted H none of these things work. My underarms are still fine. The connective area between my crotch and my genitals smells terrible no matter what I do. I have always been sensitive to smell so this has taken a toll on me to the point where I hate myself.
H altered my genital and my ability to lubricate before sex -My genitalia NEVER feels normal as in cool and comfy (as it did pre-H). It always feel low-grade inflamed or sticky (I'm very sensitive). I use DMSO liquid to kill the low-grade sensations. However, I can't wear certain fabrics anymore. I was also a faucet during sex prior to this and now I'm closer to a desert. I have had sex since my diagnosis, as an FYI, but I gave up sex completely a few years ago. I no longer enjoy it.
In the past 2 years, H was transferred to my eye and now my entire face -I dont really have strong symptoms so its always been hard to tell when I have an active outbreak. I dont want to get into ALL the details but the spreading all over my face is as a result of skin needling. My outer eyelids burn like hell. The doctor cant see anything in my retina or cornea. Despite how many times I've gone to the Dr. I believe its under my eye and in the corner (the pink parts). My under eye area gets very puffy and asymmetric. The Dr's won't confirm H as my eye diagnosis but it responds to an onslaught of antivirals so I've labeled it as duck because it walks and quacks like one. There were doctors that I had to beg for antivirals to treat it. Now I started lying just so that I am able to keep a full prescription on hand when I need it.
In the past 2 months the herpes bumps stay on my face all the time. They are not patchy red blisters but little fine skin colored pimples on my cheeks. Noone would probably know if they saw it. I have seen a couple of physicians for other ailments and none of them ever questioned my face. (Just so you know.) The reason I know its herpes is because it itches like hell just like the patch on my inner thy and has the same unassuming characteristics. Drs are always skeptical when I tell them its herpes because they are used to seeing red splotchy pus filled bumps and mine have never looked anything like this. Its been a nightmare trying to get proper treatment from health professionals!!
I've always gotten compliments on how young I look despite being over 40's. I always got carded while out with younger friends who didnt get carded. I used to get dermatologic skin treatments on my face because my skin has been acne prone since my teens but now those treatments irritate my face. My face looks gross now and when I smile it has developed light lumpy folds due to the uneven texture of my skin. I splash DMSO on my face to stop the itch and I feel like it may be damaging my skin because it sometimes burns like hell (I rinse it off when it does).
I started sleeping with socks on my hands in case I itch something at night without knowing it. I also use material as a barrier to itch myself during the day then wash my hands frequently because I am paranoid about spreading it any further. However, despite me being careful. A small itchy bump is popping up in random places. Like my wrist, arm, neck, the back of my hand, my breast, etc. I mix lysine and lemon juice which sometimes soothes the skin and the itch but the bumps on my face still dont go away. Most other areas do.ything
I never had to worry about my diet before it spread all over. I cycle between pescatarian, vegan and vegetarian. But now that it has spread I am hypersensitive to everything. Any trace of arginine, chocolate or sugars (artificial or natural) sends my face into a tizzy! This level of restriction is too much especially when considering other areas of my life suck.
I was depressed before H and it got much worst after H. Now forget it! I lost all of my friends except one. I haven't worked in over 2 years. (I'm not here to discuss my depression. I am in treatment and it hasn't helped! This is just background info for my post. Please stick to the topic of H.) As a result of all of this, I dont think I will ever marry.
I fear touching people as I dont want to spread it to anyone. I have told previous partners about H before it spread allover and it wasnt a big deal to anyone except for one idiot that got dumped with the quickness. But now that its everywhere, who would ever want to deal with someone who's a walking herpes disaster?? I wouldn't!!!
I also don't feel like I will be able to have children as I fear passing it to them in the process of normal daily care. All I picture is myself wearing elbow length gloves and putting mittens on the kids so they dont accidentally touch me.
I come from a background of trauma. I have been on my own since mid teens. My only wish EVER was to have a loving family (husband, etc.). And now that I'm in my 40s with all of these problems I know that will never happen. That was my only reason for surviving since my teenage years.
I've tried to look to see if theres any kind of plastic surgery (lower bleph) or skin treatment (peels, etc.) but since my outbreaks dont seem to go away on my face I don't think I'm a candidate.
At this point, I've given up on life! Wouldn't you??
Please dont offer any empty platitudes. I'm sure you mean well but It won't help. No offense to you. I posted this on the off chance that someone had any experience with a rare case as severe as mine. Anyway, I doubt this will get much response especially with the preceding line I just typed, however I just thought I'd give it a shot in case anyone had any info that could help. Thanks!
P.S. - For those who have H and are trying to adapt. Be thankful because it could be a lot worse! I'm sure there's no one here that would want to be in my shoes.