Alena

Hey there. It’s been about a little over a month since I was diagnosed with Herpes in my mouth and in my genitals. After my first outbreak, I felt good and life went back to normal. I still see my friends a lot and enjoy college life and go about my day to day and try not to dwell too much. I’m not super sure if I’ve fully forgiven myself for contracting this illness. I still wish I could go back and not sleep around and not trust my ex as much as I did. I wish I could erase all the traumatic memories of the nights I hooked up with randos and the ER visit. I feel haunted. And I feel especially bad when I get a reminder that I still have Herpes and it’s a lifelong disease because I had my second outbreak a few days ago. I got ahold of my Valtrex asap and took the full prescription in the allotted time and my genital lesion cleared up but a day after ending the Valtrex, I noticed a painful sore right between my lip and my gum. The pain had been bugging me all day and I just looked in the mirror and I’m pretty positive it’s a Herpes sore. I know that it’s not the end of my world. I know it doesn’t control my life. But, when I see symptoms, it triggers very stressful, sad memories for me. Memories full of anger and resentment towards myself and the people I allowed myself to be so vulnerable with. I’d like to say I’ve made progress because I have but symptoms are a setback. They’re a reminder. They’re a trigger. I’m only 18. I’m in college. All I want is to be normal and be able to have fun and not have to worry about my dating life. Because sex right now is scary for me. Kissing is scary for me. I just need some positive thoughts. I need some feedback on how to live with this and not trigger constant regret every time I have an outbreak. It sucks and it makes me feel so low. I’m sorry for the long rant but I’m feeling lost and hopeless right now.

So here it goes y’all. A few weeks ago my boyfriend (of about a month at the time) and I broke up due to distance. We were broken up for almost 2 weeks. During that period that we were broken up, I had sex with like 3 different people. I know (what a slut), right? Lol! Nah. But, I was sad and I got under other people to get over him. I thought we would never get back together and my own horrible control issues drove me to slam the door on any hope for the relationship in the future. I was mad that I couldn’t have what I wanted at the time I wanted and in the distance I wanted. To my surprise, he calls me up and wants to get back together. He wants to make the effort for me. He wants to drive up and see me once a week. This sounded like a dream come true to me so, of course, I said yes. I was happy that we pushed past our distance issues to be there for each other. A week into being back together, we have sex for the first time. And literally 5 days later, my genital herpes sores pop up! And a day after that, my throat is painful and I’ve got it in the back of my throat too! After a painful ER visit, all of this was confirmed and now I’m so freakin confused. I told my boyfriend I have it. I did not tell him I had sex while we were broken up. I don’t know who gave it to me because it literally could be anyone at this point and I feel awful for not telling my boyfriend about my flings but I also feel like it’s not his business what I did when we weren’t together. I did not cheat on him. He got tested today but it is likely he will come back clean because he does not have symptoms. It does not mean he does not have it. He could be a carrier. He will have to wait to see symptoms or maybe he will never see them. Herpes can be passed even when people don’t know they have it. I don’t know what the hell to do?? I don’t want to keep anything from him but I’m terrified he will judge me for my hookups and I also fear that by telling him, he will automatically rule himself out as the one who gave it to me which he definitely should not do. He does not know if he has it and he’s never had an outbreak (that I know of) but he has had a past of sexual behavior just as I have and he could be the one that transmitted. I just have a crappy immune system which is why my outbreak hit me so hard. I’m very conflicted and confused and I need feedback!

I am newly 18 and I found out yesterday in the emergency room that I have oral and genital herpes. I am scared. I have a boyfriend but we broke up for a short period of time around 2 weeks ago and I had sex during that week because I was devastated after our breakup. We broke up because of distance and I made the choice to have 2 random hookups to attempt to get over him and manage my emotions. Then, a week later, we got back together and he said he would make the effort for me and I was so happy. I had sex with him a week ago after we got back together and now I have herpes. I feel so disgusting truthfully. I feel like I made a very bad decision that I can’t take back. Yes, we were broken up but I didn’t need to be having sex to make me feel better. I feel shame from that especially since I never had sex with my current boyfriend before we broke up. I care about him so much and didn’t want to give myself to him until I was ready but I was so quick to throw myself at strangers. I am repulsed by myself and all these memories. I’ve been having a meltdown for the past 24 hours and I can’t stop having panic attacks. And now I have most likely given him herpes. I need support because I feel like a different person. I feel ridden with guilt and all these ugly feelings. My ER experiences was also extremely traumatic. I plan to tell my boyfriend tonight over FaceTime because that’s the only way. I will never be the same again and I have to learn to cope. I already have a very weak immune system so my first outbreak has been indescribably painful. Please help me. Please. I feel like such a horrible person. I fucked up my entire life and I’m only 18.