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Equanimous

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  1. @steven90 I got our H-friend through a casual partner. While she claims to have not known..I have my doubts. And I definitely wish that the other person would have disclosed. We could have taken extra precautions..and if i still got it I wouldn't have spend a few weeks seething about the unfairness of it all. In my mind, there is only one answer..disclose..whatever be the circumstance. Everyone has the right to know that herpes is not a big deal.
  2. I love that this post has been revived! Just as a follow up @Kilogold... I agree with you that sex (even when outside a relationship) is meaningful and that things of beauty and meaning don't only exist within the context of a traditional relationship. I also agree with WSC that in the ideal world, people talk about STDs not through the lens of shame and stigma but that of risk (and how to reduce it). While we are still a long way off from this ideal world we can and should do our part by having honest conversations with people about herpes (and other STDs). That said, three months on casual sex is still not on the cards for me. No sex period. I am still getting used to my new friend who has chosen to make himself quite at home in my beautiful body and sex is going to be hard until I become completely comfortable with the idea of disclosing... The key for me in the meantime has been to accept the fact that things have changed and that I am in this for the long haul. Once I got past that point my frustration levels dropped.. in fact I am much less frustrated about sex today than I was in my pre-H days. I don't expect my current monk like state to last for ever cos' i am pretty certain that at some point Mr. Horny will feed Mr. Courage some spinach and push me over the disclosure cliff. But until then I plan to just accept that things will be a bit dry on the sex front for a while. So hang in there my friend and may the monsoons arrive sooner than later and end this drought.
  3. @stuckinarut First: It was really brave of you to post on this forum. Everyone makes mistakes but you were courageous enough to accept and disclose them here. Second: From what you've written it seems you are ready to make amends and move closer to being open and honest about herpes. Now the goal is to summon up all your deep courage and have the talk. Third: While I have no experience with this situation, I am guessing complete honesty (which includes why you acted the way you did: fear of rejection etc.) and a wholehearted apology is the route to take. You fucked up..but we all do at some point or the other. For the future: While there are no valid excuses for not disclosing to someone who you are sleeping with, fear of rejection and feeling unsexy because of herpes are all perfectly valid feelings. Denying them will not make them disappear. It takes time and conscious effort to move from a place of fear and shame to that of acceptance. And you have already taken the first steps towards that. I hope things are fine with him and that it does work out between you both. And keep sharing!
  4. saw this today. So so good and so relevant. http://shockable.com/called-worlds-ugliest-girl-response-unbelievably-beautiful-literally-cried/
  5. lossofwords Welcome to the forum! Its normal to feel overwhelmed right now. But it WILL get better! Promise! This is not the end of the world. In fact it could be the start of a remarkable transformation into something better. And the forum is a great place to start this process of recovery and healing. Know that you are not alone!
  6. "We perceive our secrets as darker and more shameful than anyone can ever know...and if they were to find out, they would suddenly somehow no longer mean the nice things they said about our outfit that day or our job performance or our personality. But EVERYONE has secrets" So true! The glaring spotlight shines the brightest when we turn it inwards laying bare the most minute of cracks. The real challenge is to accept and love ourselves despite these perceived flaws. Like a crooked but beautiful house that we call home.
  7. Couldn't agree with both of you more. All of us are unique in terms of what we want and don't want. And H is a wake-up call with regard to understanding our true preferences and to overcome insecurities that we might have had in choosing our own path in the past.
  8. I personally don't agree with the idea that casual sex should be off the table and as adventurelovelife mentions there are people who manage to keep it firmly on the table despite a strong herpetetic wind in their life. To me the choice between disclosing to someone who you have taken time to know or to the guy/girl that you've only made sexy eye contact with while taking ill-advised shots of whiskey from either sides of a bar table is about degrees of confidence. Right now I am nowhere near being comfortable enough to just tear my clothes off and jump into sex with the carefree abandon that I used to (protected of course!). But I do see myself having enough confidence in the future to be able to disclose to whoever I am attracted to without any shame and to be not bothered by rejection. That's where I want to be. With balls of steels (or ovaries that shine like diamonds) that give me the courage to move past shame and fear and be happy and content about who I am (which includes my sexuality and who I might want to sleep with..for whatever reason). P.S1: And by confidence I don't mean "I don't give a fuck about the world" kind of cocky mis-placed confidence. But the kind that most people on the H forum talk about. One that comes from a place of self-love. P.S2: I also don't buy this whole casual sex is meaningless argument. Things have as much meaning as you give them. Casual sex can and often is beautiful, poetic and meaningful. And sometimes its terrible and unsatisfying, but so is the case within a serious relationship.
  9. @Jackie5678 I hope you were able to find out whether you have it or not. Either case I think its important to have a conversation about it as long as you are comfortable doing it. The conversation needn't be around you personally having it but just on herpes and what you think about it, the stigma, misinformation etc. It is after all just a skin condition and its important to make that clear so that in case things do show up later on it does not become a big deal.
  10. Wonderful post Carlos! "The reason HE or SHE left has more to do with them... than with you... or your herpes. Moreover, the reason why that particular person came into your life was to push you further... a little bit further... to your center. A place where you must arrive alone and stripped... a place where your heart booms with love for the self first." Love it!
  11. Strawberry girl! Hang in there! Give it time. Breathe! The initial shock of herpes can be overwhelming. And I think this is particularly true if you are young (early 20s and teens). It is easy to imagine that your life is over and that everything is going to suck from now on. Our pre-existing fear and sense of inadequacy make us imagine the worst... No one will love me. The world will shun me. People will be scared to touch me. etc etc. You have heard this before...But if we CHOOSE to work against this, there is an opportunity to move beyond this sad story that we tell ourselves. An opportunity to spin a new tale..one of resilience, bravery and courage...of great beauty, peace and happiness. Herpes is not the end of the world. In fact nothing is...not cancer, not AIDS, not the death of a loved one. Nothing. And our lives are entirely what we make off it. Your future is entirely in your control. And it starts by using herpes as an opportunity to take control of the present. By realizing that you are more than a skin condition, more than your fears, more than your perceived flaws. And that you are complete and beautiful already. That you have a fucking right to be on this planet and enjoy a wholesome, happy and rockstar life. And nothing can deny you that... because no illness or loss can take your spirit... the essence of what makes us human. "The only true disability is a crushed spirit" And this is a process. So give it time and make the choice to love yourself enough to say that I am going to live an awesome life irrespective of anything. Once you choose things will slowly fall into place. It will take time but it will happen. Like Adrial said, you seem to have a great support system already. So use them and don't let anything crush your spirit. Love yourself. You are awesome! Certified gold. Hang in there! With love
  12. Hey there, Came across this talk recently. It deals with vulnerability and how opening ourselves to the possibility of rejection (by being vulnerable) could also be the best step that one can take towards finding true connection. Hope you like it. Hang in there! It will get better with time. Like everything else in life you will get a better perspective over this with time. And you can always turn to this place for support.
  13. Ponce, I feel you...I struggled with similar feelings initially (its only been a month)...But the thing to remember is that that you do have a choice in all this. Feeling sexy is a choice you make. I understand that it is hard right now...but it can change with small things. Taking care of yourself...treating your body with the love and care it needs. Dressing up for yourself. Being stylish.. and more importantly from realizing that what makes us attractive are things much deeper than a skin condition. Its all that makes us who we are. And there is great beauty there. Herpes can be a way of moving beyond our fears and insecurities and connecting with our inner beauty...And once you let your light shine no one will be able to resist you! Big Hug!
  14. Hey there... Completely understand where you are coming from. I am new to this too and I often get these thoughts as well... but as Adrial says we do have a CHOICE. We can either let it dictate how we feel about ourselves and our lives.... or choose to use it as a positive. HSV is more than just viral shedding.. it should be about shedding our fear, shame and insecurities. There are many wonderful people on earth who live entirely happy lives irrespective of their circumstances..some are just born or brought up that way while other use the challenges in their lives to become better human beings. So its not that we have HSV but how we deal with it that makes us who we are (or will be). Fear, shame and insecurities were things that I had from before. HSV did not give it to me. What it has done is bring these to the forefront and make it more apparent. It is sort of a placemarker for all that I need to accept and remove. So from now on lets shed some of that fear and shame along with the virus :P! Cheers and hugs! P.S: Came across this yesterday: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/11/20/brene-brown-shame_n_4282679.html?utm_hp_ref=own&ir=OWN
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