Boy where to begin, welp, sorry if this is long winded.
Met my wife 10 years ago, we have been married 6.
She developed a cold sore on her lip about 4 months after we started dating, she never had them before and I had not/still dont.
Over the next few years she averaged maybe 3-4 scores a year but when she got them she shut out the world completely.
Took off work till it almost healed entirely, would skip family functions, wouldnt leave the house, refuse guests....and that much has hardly changed.
Well a few years after that, marked our 1 year anniversary of being married, we were intimate which involved oral and of course the next morning she had the on set, our first official day of our vacation. We didnt leave the house we rented the whole week and then just went home.
Fast forward 5 years later and that was pretty much the last time she kissed me or gave me oral...well...no it was the last time.
And as a result she has had maybe 3 sores in those 5 years...only meaning that she has proven to herself that those WERE the triggers. As long as she avoids all lip irration she avoids cold sores. Truthfully, it seems to be somewhat true, based on those numbers of outbreaks.
Though when she did get 3-4 a year we were younger and oral was a part of sex 3 times a week minimum, plus kissing all the time. So percentage wise the outbreaks to oral/kissing was small.
Though it matters not, once she realized how to beat the beast there is no discussion.
Its greatly affecting our marriage. Now dont get me wrong. We are two peas in a pod and she is my best friend. I wouldnt leave her for anything Earth has to offer, so this is not some sad rant of a man that demands sexual acts.
I just miss my wife's physical desires. We dont cuddle cause she gets too hot, we dont kiss nor do oral because of the thing we cannot speak out loud about...seriously. it's not even allowed to be brought up.
So basically now. We are in our young 30s and every few months we have sex and that's it. We dont kiss, we dont foreplay...well I do the works for her but she wont do anything for me but engage in actual sex. So I feel like sex is only there to pacify me...and its not about the sex. It's about my wife wanting to engage with me on a intimate, sexual, lustful level.
We've talked dozens of times and I've explained she didnt get sores every time we kissed or had foreplay so maybe we should ease into it. If we only kiss or have oral maybe 1 every few months to start maybe she can see that everytime isnt the onset of a nightmare...she promises to try but it goes nowhere.
At this point I feel like I have a roommate, whose a best friend, sometimes with benefits.
Doesnt feel like a real relationship when it comes to the bond and closeness of wanting each other physically because we love each other...I feel she is intimate to keep me content and I dont care about the sex as a whole...I care about my wife WANTING to have sex....the whole thing I think irks her even because oral can transfer to genital.
I'm guessing I'm without answers since there is no cure for oral herpes.
My wife is an amazing women and I'll never leave her nor cheat on her, she is an angel who has been with me through some hard times. I'd die without ever having sex again if that's what it meant to stay with her. She deserves that much from me.
But is there an answer? Anyone?
Just feeling disconnected and lonely on the physical level I guess...well if you read this thanks for letting me vent....been going on for years now...just feel lonely sometimes and it sucks.
Anyways, thanks again and hope everyone else is dealing ok in their own situations
God's Speed for a Cure some day!