Hi there, I recently got diagnosed, have been trying to work through it.
I know it’s ‘wrong’ but I have been having thoughts of non disclosure with casual sex partners. The idea of telling someone is so anxiety inducing that I don’t think I ever can. A few things that have made me rationalise this is:
- It’s only a skin condition
- People with oral herpes are not expected to ‘disclose’. As its ‘not a big deal’.. why is hsv2 different because its on a different body part
- The other person may have it already and not know
- There is always risk with all sexual contact, there can never be a 100 percent guarantee with anyone you have sex with, that they won’t give you herpes or another sti/std. Sex is NEVER risk free.
- They would be more likely to get it from a partner who doesn’t know they have it, than from me
- So many people don’t know they have it… and they will be spreading it around anyway
- The transmission rate female to male, with condoms and meds is 1% … which is very low. Condom use to prevent pregnancy is 98% effective, contraceptive pill use to prevent pregnancy is 91% or 99% with ‘perfect’ use (no days skipped, no vomiting etc). In the video it’s mentioned that you have a 1.8% chance of dying in a car accident… We don’t have a discussion about the risk of death to passengers in our car before they get in… we don’t mention that the pill is 1-9% ineffective before sex either, … both of these things have much more serious consequences than a skin condition… why is it that we are obligated to disclose hsv… but not all of the other things that have a 1% risk… why is it that 1% is viewed as so low a risk its insignificant, not worth mentioning in these exmaples… but not in the case of hsv?
These are thoughts I have had, I haven’t had sex with anyone since the person who passed it on to me…
I understand all the points about how to turn this around into an opportunity for deep connection, trust, intimacy, and that is all great… if you want to develop/ are in a relationship with someone, but for more casual relationships?
For a lot of people now, casual sex, and sex early on in dating is expected, the normal thing to do… it usually happens within the first 3-4 dates. But deciding to be in a relationship with someone would take more like 3-4 months…
It feels like everyone here is a perfect person who wouldn’t even DREAM of not disclosing… I’m not a perfect person at all. The information website I was given by my dr also has a section which talks about disclosing AND not disclosing with casual partners while using protection.
The idea of not-disclosing makes me feel relieved. Obviously its lock-down and nothing is happening for anyone for however long… Maybe these thoughts are part of the process and I will work through them.
how DO I work through them? Has anyone not disclosed to casual partners? How did you feel? How do I let go of non-disclosure as an option especially when there are valid points?