Feels like a scolding, which is fair enough. I'm very open to being called out on selfish behaviour and reasoning. The things I have mentioned in the list aren't opinions or me trying to 'minimise' they are true observations... that DO have a minimising effect...or at least seem to paint something of a grey area. more like.. why is this thing okay.. but this thing isn't? ... I'm not a bad person for observing that there is a lot of conflicting information and opinions around herpes,and asking for guidance. For example... I discussed the diagnosis with a friend.. who said she 'gets coldsores'... as 80 percent of people do... she definitely does not disclose that information when she has oral sex... and 50% of new cases are caused this way... She frowned and scowled when I said that a friend suggested I use condoms, go on meds, and disclose only if I want to. Why is one despicable but people with hsv1 having oral sex are not? Or are they 'bad' people too? Lots of the information I have come across simultaneously minimises herpes (its a skin condition, extremely low rate of transmission, asymptomatic) but also makes it out to be extremely serious (like comparing to HIV which contributes to the death of millions of people). Sexual health clinics don't test for it.. CDC doesn't recommend testing... Dr said use condoms and disclosure is a personal choice...80 percent of people who have it dont know and pass it on... and nothing is done to prevent that, those examples suggest that its not serious.. or not taken seriously by health professionals.. yet a person who has it, is expected to take it EXTREMELY seriously in terms of disclosure... and may have to deal with very serious relationship and mental health problems as a result of disclosure. I guess I find that confusing. In terms of my own feelings, I did not feel deceived, the person who passed it on says he didn't know he had them, and as all sexual contact poses a risk of herpes/hpv I suppose I see it as being unlucky. If he knew- was not on medication and was not using condoms I would feel deceived/he was irresponsible... if he knew and was taking responsible preventative measures but did not disclose I would not mind, but this is because I know that would bring the risk down to 2.5% which in my opinion is incredibly low. If I was in a relationship with someone I would want them to tell me, but mainly because I want them to share themselves and be comfortable... I would not be angry if they had done what was within their power to reduce transmission. I suppose I see the risk as inherently there regardless of knowledge of or disclosure. Thats the point though isn't it... everyone is different with what they find an acceptable risk.. where I find 1-2% risk completely insignificant, to someone else that might be too much and that's their choice.. that I should not be making for them. I appreciate the perspective and wake up call. The more I think about it the more I lean towards a break from relationships and sex in general, so as to reduce the potential anxiety of disclosure. I'm definitely not at a stage where I am willing to disclose and open myself up to being rejected and shamed for this.
Hi there, I recently got diagnosed, have been trying to work through it. I know it’s ‘wrong’ but I have been having thoughts of non disclosure with casual sex partners. The idea of telling someone is so anxiety inducing that I don’t think I ever can. A few things that have made me rationalise this is: - It’s only a skin condition - People with oral herpes are not expected to ‘disclose’. As its ‘not a big deal’.. why is hsv2 different because its on a different body part - The other person may have it already and not know - There is always risk with all sexual contact, there can never be a 100 percent guarantee with anyone you have sex with, that they won’t give you herpes or another sti/std. Sex is NEVER risk free. - They would be more likely to get it from a partner who doesn’t know they have it, than from me - So many people don’t know they have it… and they will be spreading it around anyway - The transmission rate female to male, with condoms and meds is 1% … which is very low. Condom use to prevent pregnancy is 98% effective, contraceptive pill use to prevent pregnancy is 91% or 99% with ‘perfect’ use (no days skipped, no vomiting etc). In the video it’s mentioned that you have a 1.8% chance of dying in a car accident… We don’t have a discussion about the risk of death to passengers in our car before they get in… we don’t mention that the pill is 1-9% ineffective before sex either, … both of these things have much more serious consequences than a skin condition… why is it that we are obligated to disclose hsv… but not all of the other things that have a 1% risk… why is it that 1% is viewed as so low a risk its insignificant, not worth mentioning in these exmaples… but not in the case of hsv? These are thoughts I have had, I haven’t had sex with anyone since the person who passed it on to me… I understand all the points about how to turn this around into an opportunity for deep connection, trust, intimacy, and that is all great… if you want to develop/ are in a relationship with someone, but for more casual relationships? For a lot of people now, casual sex, and sex early on in dating is expected, the normal thing to do… it usually happens within the first 3-4 dates. But deciding to be in a relationship with someone would take more like 3-4 months… It feels like everyone here is a perfect person who wouldn’t even DREAM of not disclosing… I’m not a perfect person at all. The information website I was given by my dr also has a section which talks about disclosing AND not disclosing with casual partners while using protection. The idea of not-disclosing makes me feel relieved. Obviously its lock-down and nothing is happening for anyone for however long… Maybe these thoughts are part of the process and I will work through them. how DO I work through them? Has anyone not disclosed to casual partners? How did you feel? How do I let go of non-disclosure as an option especially when there are valid points?