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Carlos

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Everything posted by Carlos

  1. hey M-- to answer your question about herpes dating... I've been on and off for some years now but while i was ON i never made a conncection that was strong enough to cross into a face2face date. but that doesnt mean that things cannot be different for you. I think online dating requires patience... people dont seem to take it so seriously. and what i discovered at PS is that many people i might be interested in dont post a picture [?] i dont like the clb/bar scene too much... its sooo expensive here in NYC and redundant. i might try other venues to meet people who are interested in dating... when i come across some prospects, i'll let you know 🙂
  2. dear Mikey... welcome. I understand your confusion; been there myself. I'm 40, very healthy, and have had HSV for 10 years now. Confusion and rage might rear their ugly heads once in a while, but it gets better... you will find a way to manage this, live from a place of integrity and self-love, and learn to protect your sexual partners. I have a problem with the word promiscuity: the negativity around it seems to imply that because we're HSV+ that we're sluts... well, news flash, that is so not the case (as you read the many forum discussions, you'll see what I mean). HSV1 can be transmitted to the genital area by way of oral sex (no sore may be present, 70% of transmission cases that occur are due to an asymptomatic HSV+ person)... Stigma tells us that HSV1 is the "good herpes" while HSV2 is the "bad herpes". Pardon the language but that's bullshit. The strands only differ due to where they prefer to reside: HSV1 in the lower part of the brain; while HSV2 at the base of the spine. YET HSV1 has no problem residing in the genitals (boxer short area including buttocks, i.e. wherever there's skin). HSV2 can also be transmitted from genital to mouth but the chances of that--for unknown reason--are less likely. The best way to minimize asymptomatic shedding is by using suppressive meds (valtrex or homeopathic) plus diet and exercise to crank up the immune system (although HSV is a nervous system virus that sheds through skin). Vitamins and aminoacids than aid skin health, e.g. Lysine and Vitamin E should become part of your regimen. If you want to protect your sex partners, I recommend Valacyclovir 500mg daily plus Lysine/astragalus/olive leaf as a natural anti-viral addition. That's what works for me... try it! :) Our bodies are so different that you will have to try many remedies to manage HSV until you find the right combo. Don't be fooled by miracle cures. It's time to crank up that inner wisdom thing, baby. If you ever wanna chat some more... write me up. And welcome to the forum!! BIG HUG. Carlos
  3. I hope other Forum members engage in this thread. Very important topics are being discussed here. JANET, ADRIAL... I concur. From the gay male perspective, I can assert that "hook-ups" are quite irresponsible, selfish, and dangerous! (my life was forever impacted via casual sex with--what is now termed and widely accepted as--a fuck buddy). Needless to say, an extensive period of seclusion ensued. And feelings of shame, loathing and sadness were all the norm. A decade later, since diagnosis, I'm still learning about and juggling things learned from the impact of becoming HSV+ and what I discovered this summer while I joined in the dating pool was eye-opening. Disclosing doesn't stop at "the talk" and it isn't just about the HSV+ person getting an emotional need met. It takes two to tango, and the tango we dance as HSV+ people is far more complex than getting a "yes" from the HSV- partner. A synchronized sense of responsibility, respect, and reason must be exercised. and as Adrial puts it, "we need to actually use our intuition and common sense to feel out whether someone's acceptance is true acceptance or blind/ignorant acceptance." At the point of disclosure, the HSV- person doesn't want to be seen as an asshole or as an apathetic dimwit; nor does the HSV+ person. Hence, time to digest, research, evaluate and decide is critical. I cannot see myself at this stage indulging in the blindness that a hook-up provides... and NO, just because I'm on anti-viral/homeopathic medication will I throw caution to the wind and put on that "sexy veil over my eyeballs." The main reason why an HSV2 vaccine is being researched is because it increases the risk of HIV infection. "Genital herpes is associated with an increased risk of HIV acquisition by two-to-threefold, HIV transmission on a per-sexual act basis by up to fivefold, and may account for 40–60% of new HIV infections in high HSV-2 prevalence populations. Indeed, the impact of suppressing HSV-2 shedding and associated disease on the rate of HIV acquisition is currently being tested in three proof-of-concept trials" (http://www.who.int/bulletin/volumes/86/10/07-046128/en/) History has painfully shown us that these viruses do not discriminate. I am no more at risk for being a 40 y/o homosexual male than a 20 y/o heterosexual female. The truth that acquiring HSV has complicated matters for many of us might be a blessing in disguise after all... Yet we cannot afford to throw caution to the wind and seek validation from a hook-up or a "fuck buddy". There is tremendous value in learning from others' mistakes.
  4. hey there (h) buddies. this is a great thread. i'm lovin it. especially the following: "It sounds like you're longing for something you never would have wanted to begin with, but now that it's off the table, you want it more." Adrial, you have so eloquently and simply worded something that so many of us grapple with: an anxiety to be liked/loved by EVERYONE. i certainly am guilty as charged. what is it about trying to conquer the love/validation/approval of those who coldly turn a shoulder when we show vulnerability? i've read some books on the subject that might shed light on this issue: The Mastery of Love, by Don Miguel Ruiz The Velvet Rage, by Alan Downs (for a gay male audience) and ANXIOUS TO PLEASE, by James Rapson & Craig English. "Anxious" is the typical 'how-to-blah-blah' effort, yet it's packed with some really good ideas. one being the practice of disillusionment: helping the transforming person to let go of both the magical fantasies (that lovers fulfill ALL needs, e.g. unconditional love, magical sex, constant reassurance) and expectations of doom (that lie dormant within our psyche, e.g. expectations of abandonment, scarcity, heartache). at times i feel like when i meet someone who lights me up, I abandon myself and idealize [him] to the point where he can do no wrong... then reality sets in: he might not be the right person for me, yet i'm overwhelmed with feelings of love: "I have enough for the two of us!" It seems I am drawn to the indifferent man like a moth to a flame :\
  5. i too doubt there will be a "cure". the drug industry has its claws dug deep into this country. what i do see is a more sophisticated form of treatment: injections, long-term release meds. Look what they've done with HIV medications: they've now been able to condense several different types of HIV anti-virals into ONE pill. sorry if posting this article was like waving candy in your eyes. Adrial makes the better case... we have to move on... we can't put our lives on hold, hoping for something outside to "fix" us. at the end of the day... what really is there to fix? we're beautiful/lovable/valuable just as we are: (h) or no (h). keep up the good fight! ;)
  6. hey bro. i'm a little late coming around to offer you some support--skool is very distracting--but i jump on here as often as i can to either vent, share, support, read and learn. this forum is heaven-sent. we are all dealing with something that brings up a lot of noise (internally: within us, and externally: society). before i was diagnosed, i felt--like you--that it would be devastating if i caught it (h). i remember reading in one of those Men's magazines, in the sexual health column, some schmuck who said: "if you're going to catch an std, be careful not to catch herpes, because if you do, nobody will ever sleep with you again." These types of messages come at us like torpedoes some times... but what's even more damaging--in my view--is that we don't talk about it enough. and silence equals death. the masses are so ill-informed! i've heard people call HSV1 the "good herpes" and HSV2 the "bad herpes". Yet they don't realize that HSV1 can become "genital" HSV1. the virus selects where to reside in the body, but a body is a body... that's all the virus needs. my point is, EDUCATE URSELF. and take this opportunity to educate your girlfriend, your parents, your friends... or whoever else is out there in the dark about HSV and all its eight strands (which include Chicken Pox and Shingles). i go through episodes when i'm cool with hosting this little pesky virus and its skin eruptions. bad episodes come when i have to share my stat with a potentially romantic partner... all that internal noise comes up to the surface. but ultimately, it gets better... it really does get better. awareness, honesty, integrity, and the willingness to be vulnerable are characteristics that will from this day forth guide our behavior. so stay in touch with everyone here: we're in this together.
  7. sign me up. I'm a gay male in NY. i'm okay with private messaging. i have no gender preference and distance is no issue--although it be nice to meet for coffee--but is all good :)
  8. I often think of the myriad of reasons why lovers reject each other. I just saw a great (but painful) film that tells the story of two gay men: one is a filmmaker, the other a publisher addicted to crack. There are so many life-threatening influences in this nutty, nutty world. It makes my herpes simplex the least complex factor... I'm a great catch! YOU are a great catch! Every person that's submitted an entry in this forum is a catch!
  9. woe... Valacyclovir refills for $10?? where do you live?? I might have to consider the move just for the cheap V! I'm uninsured. I live in NYC. I purchase a one-month supply of Valacyclovir for a feisty $160. I also take L-Lysine+Olive leaf+Atragalus (the natural version). If anyone knows of an online option where Valacyclovir can be purchased cheaply, do hit me up. I'm dating someone :) He's HSV- much LUV Carlos
  10. here, here! cheers to a true warrior of the soul! Happy birthday, and many many more :)
  11. disclosing. the talk of talks. would my HSV status be received with an open-mind or will it be a deal breaker? one never knows until the word has been said... H.E.R.P.E.S. like many of you, i feel uncomfortable with the name given to this STI. the word originated in the late 14c., from the Latin herpes "a spreading skin eruption," from the Greek herpes, lit. "creeping," from herpein "to creep" (cognate with Latin serpere "to creep"). it sounds downright funky, ugly, unattractive... gee, i feel my whole body twitch every time i have to say it... which is why i prefer disclosing via email (i include a website link where the person can read about it without the clinical apathy). this has been my frequent approach. in the past, i've also disclosed over the phone. i feel like telling the person in person produces a kind of vacuity: you have to hang there for a response, and the other person has to hang there having to give you a response. but nobody wants to be seen as an asshole. how can one fully trust a positive face-to-face reaction. i dread disclosure. i am a coward. wouldn't it be cool if could start pronouncing H.E.R.P.E.S. in French? as in Hermès (air-mess)... it would sound less creepy: AIR-PESS. it would actually sound a bit cool; foreign, but cool. the potentially romantic partner would cock his/her head with a smile and say something like: "(air-pess)? Hmm, enlighten me." Upon enlightenment, the potentially romantic partner would summon the waiter and ask for the dessert menu: "let's share some chocolate cheese cake," he/she would assert; a flirtatious smirk curling the lips. okey, so i'm trying to dress it up, so sue me. rejection can cut deep. especially when the person you have disclosed to gave you, initially, a down-played, empathetic response: when i told my father i was gay, i was 24 and heart-broken; my then boyfriend had returned to the lover he had before meeting me (after a year of being together!). when i finally said the words "I am gay" to my dad, he said... "well, i'm surprised. but you're my son, this is going to deepen our relationship." i was elated... or maybe it was the Aguardiente (a kind of Latino vodka from Colombia). upon asking him if i could chat with him, he invited me to sit down, popped a bottle and served two shots. this is what Latin men do with their sons when it's time for a bit of intimacy. two shots evolved into several. the conversation turned weird suddenly... at that point in time i knew that my father was mixing in with bad company and indulging in illicit businesses. he said: "you know what i do to support the family; so you and i are on the wrong side of things, but if we follow a straight path despite our illicit ways, we'll be all right." i was mum. one month later, my father kicked me out of the house. during those 30 days i lived in a house were apathy, silence, swallowed anger were abundant. i left home feeling somewhat liberated, but scared... scared to death. this is where my reasoning comes from! my father's initial reaction was false... and history repeats itself :( do you think that if i somehow change the way HERPES is pronounced, it will somehow give me the mojo i need to forgive my ignorant father and tell a potentially romantic partner (face-to-face) that i have air-pess? Please be gentle, Best--CARLOS
  12. when i was diagnosed in the spring of 2002, my doctor told me that it (h) was a blessing and a nuisance; he went on to explain that it is easily managed with better diet and valtrex (optional) and that i should be grateful it wasn't the big (H) considering my sexual orientation and the city where i reside; he also asserted that a vaccine would be available soon: 5 years he said! (a-ha) then he asked if i smoked cigarettes; i said 'yes' and he scolded me like a Father would his own Son. I understood something at that moment, as my doctor was 100 times more upset at my smoking than at my catching HSV. he didn't tell me to stop having sex; he said "use condoms... but quit smoking NOW!" i guess, moral of the story is, there are things out there that have the potential to kill me, really destroy me, and that a sexually contracted virus that causes no more than itch and discomfort for a few of days is preferable to the consequences of smoking tobacco products. forgive the preaching... i also write this in order to remind myself of where my priorities should be. I too hope the T-cell vaccine is developed sooner rather than later... but if it isn't HSV that which we are suffering about, then it will be some other thing... back acne, booty cellulite, and what not--
  13. What's up ADRIAL... wow man, you never cease to amaze me. I actually thought you were out of the (h) closet until that email exchange we had recently. I understand and support you, and can't help but admire you for taking such leap. I wish I could be so bold! Although I disclose to romantic interests, I have yet to have the talk with my own Mom (who has HSV1) or my little sister (I did tell her husband though). Yes, my process has been slow with (h) and I guess my number 1 excuse is: coming out Gay was so painful (re: my family) that I don't have the mojo right now to do another coming out session :\ But you're right! (h) is something we have and it does serve a profound purpose, it weeds out the riff-raff :) Congrats ADRIAL, on kicking that closet door all the way down! You got a friend here. Big hug, Carlos.
  14. hello everyone! i've been MIA due to work related stuff (great stuff!) and the departure of a love-interest (he moved back home to FL to pursue school ambitions; he also disliked NYC very much). C'est la vie! i came across this article published by MIT's tech review: http://www.technologyreview.com/news/428359/t-cell-vaccines-could-treat-elusive-diseases/ very interesting stuff! enjoy the read :) and much love. Carlos
  15. hey MC41... try this blog: http://www.hsvblog.org/herpes-simplex-virus-hsv-101/ when I disclose, I like to direct the person to a place where they can read about HSV and not get paranoid. The blog is legit, all info is accurate, and the info is presented in a very positive way. This site here is #1 for peeps like us. This forum is truly a godsend. And h_opp's videos are valuable instruction. Stay in touch! and best of luck. C
  16. sup college_guy... the ladies here are so lovely, wise and compassionate. I will embrace every single word of advice they offer. I've been (h) positive for 10 years now--diagnosed at age 30--and like you... I'm real easy on the eyes ;) So my dating life took a blow; my self-esteem was bruised for a long time... yet, as time went on I learned that (h) is so common: 1 in every 5 peeps have HSV2, that feeling like damaged goods was just an illusion. Dude, I'm not going to sugar-coat anything... every time I meet someone I got the hots for, anxiety rises up... disclosure can be such a buzz-kill... especially when the first few dates feel so promising. Yet I remind myself of what my doctor told me back in Spring 2002: "see it as a blessing, be grateful is not HIV." I know, I know... that's downplaying it... but it's so true! The advice I give (to others and myself) is... protection is two-fold. If you caught (h)... which is insignificant... can you imagine what else you could catch by way of hook-ups and what not? Did you read that article that said that in 2 years Gonorrhea will be non-treatable because the infection has mutated into a stronger form and penicillin will not cure it? ...WORD. the opportunity (h) provides is a blessing in disguise ;) having said all this... come back to this forum. stay in touch. ask questions. vent! no judgement. we all share your pain... and ultimately... your joy. Peace brother. C
  17. LoL -- ladies you catch me at my most inspirational, or maybe that's the tequila. O:-)
  18. hello (inspired32)... my name is C. The kind of dreams I have are of a different nature. I have dreams with wild animals that either chase me or haunt me, e.g. huge black Pigs and T-Rexes that nest in my living room. LOL. I worked with a psychotherapist for years and her theory was that all things in our dreams are aspects of ourselves, remixes of our personality sort of speak. Taking that into consideration, would it be safe to say that what is chasing/haunting you is what your 'giver' represents? Moreover, you are trying to figure out how to relate to HSV... so watch out for that self-loathing trap. Yes! you must now develop a relationship to a tiny virus which now resides in your body... do you watch True Blood? Tara was a vampire hater for 4 years... and now she is one: she even tried suicide but it didn't work. Tara must now live with the fact that she is a Vampire--forever--. A little pop-culture reference never fails. By the way, I love how you call him 'Giver'... very interesting twist. (h) may seem/feel like we're wearing a scarlet letter... but I remind myself that it presents an opportunity to weed out the riff-raff. Those who can't/won't accept us EXACTLY as we are, aren't assholes, but they are also not suited to be around us. Forgive them and let them go. Some people--in my opinion--waltz into our lives to teach us about uncompromising love for the self. These teachers, or 'givers', stir the muck within us, like stirring the clumps of sugar from the bottom of your cup of coffee; that stirrer is necessary, otherwise the muck remains stuck at the bottom (of our souls). As hard as it feels--because the anger is strong--I take a sec to be grateful for the opportunity to see that I am always my own refuge, my own source of love. No (ex)boyfriend can take that away from you. You are whole, beautiful, loving & lovable... as you are here & now. Chin up, kiddo. I wish you well :)
  19. Hey, girl ;) Lysine plus astragalus (chinese anti-viral herb) and olive leaf extract (another anti-viral). i did valtrex during my second year... i also don't trust the meds (liver damaging) although my doctor who is an HSV specialist says it's safe to take daily (500mg tablets). Test it out. In my case, i'm single and abstaining, but should i meet a special man, i'll start a valtrex+herb regimen. quit smoking like yesterday! your regimen looks good ;) C
  20. Hey B, lovely response... it's what internal dialogue should sound like when the noise rises up. And ultimately, that is all there is... noise, internal static, emotions that need no analysis because they are momentary (and based on false ideas). But it's easier said than done. I think mantras help, like a soothing balm on a wound, to remind us that scrapes and cuts are part of the process. I also remind myself, when I'm down and fixated, that if I didn't have HSV2, I'd be fixated on some other thing about my body... something to support the false belief that something is wrong with me, that I am... D.E.F.E.C.T.I.V.E. I disclose my sexual orientation because it's a perfect example of holding onto a belief that I was born 'damaged goods'. I mean, that I need a president and two generals to validate my worth... it's ridiculous! LoL Dear LELANI, I hear you when you cry out that (h) is not all, that there's more... And you are right, there IS more... your mind, your heart, your sexiness, your voice, your cooking, your humor, etc. There is a new show on HBO called GIRLS; the protagonist discovers on episode 3 that she has HPV, and the manner in which the series treat this is fantastic... not only does the protagonist have it, but her sexy friend Jessa has it as well. The show takes STIs into the open where they belong... unlike that awful Sex and The City who didn't even acknowledge 9/11... but don't get me started on that. Point is... do as B says... get pretty and go dancing. You have the right to love yourself unconditionally. Party up :)
  21. Hey scornedvillager... I don't know if you are male or female, but, outbreaks in the buttocks area are common too. My initial outbreak also appeared on the right side and at DOH-NYC, I was tested (scrape and swab). It came back positive. However, it took a blood test to learn I carry both HSV-1 and -2. I've had two inner mouth sores in my 40 years of life (very mild). My mother has HSV-1 so I probably inherited that strand. I got type -2 from an ex... Ugh, Exes, Vodka and New Year's Eve are not a good combo. When I confronted my Ex many moons later, he was oblivious, yet he did inform me that he'd been diagnosed with HIV. Can you believe that?? I, thankfully, remain HIV negative. Gay men in NYC carry things are unaware... I learned that 80% of gay men in NYC have an STI but are asymptomatic (usually HSV or HIV). My point is, you are blessed to have your partner and mother beside you to help you get through the initial stages. Be safe. Stay strong. C
  22. 10 years and counting. That's right; I was diagnosed at age 30, in the Spring of 2002. I was dating a guy who--on the spot-- when I told him the test results, said: "Well, I'm not going anywhere." I was also doing a play--off-Broadway--in which I played a young club kid who seduces his straight roommate; the script called for kissing and a simulated sex scene where I bottom for the guy. Imagine the pressure! Imagine having to turn to a new love interest on week #3 and inform him that you've been granted involuntary membership to the H club... imagine confessing this to your co-star! Well those were the immediate circumstances I faced when I learned I'd been infected with HSV2. I'm not good with emotion--yet I'm an actor--but acting is not about feeling, is about creating the illusion of feeling; actors are fakers. So I went on a faking binge. I did tell my co-star... his response was mixed, at first warm and compassionate, yet all that turned cold as we were faced with intimate scenes on stage. The guy I'd been dating also began to drift away after he stated he wasn't leaving. Within the first 30 days after diagnosis, I felt more rejection--the stinging, lasting kind--than I ever felt at Casting offices. The faking binge I refer to was: denying what I was truly feeling. I knew a little bit about H--my mother has oral HSV1--and so I knew it was forever, but I could not accept that a young, talented, VGL actor like me would be reduced to this. In my case, narcissism kicked in hard, blinding me. I am guilty of isolating and loathing myself--drinking a lot--which lead to a handful of one-night stands. I slept with a few guys to whom I didn't disclose my status until the deed had been done. A great part of me was resentful, disgusted with gay men, with my careless actions, with God... How could this have happened to me? Clearly I'd been a naughty boy and deserved punishment... so after an argument with a guy with whom I'd had sex but had not disclosed to, I decided... To hell with this! And quickly turned a cold shoulder--in fact, my entire back--to the gay bar/club scene. At once, something occurred: acting gigs starting pouring down on me like sweet nectar, and I plunged into each role with a tenacity I didn't know I had. I also became a Fitness Instructor and that put me on a health kick which I still maintain. Career-wise, I nabbed a couple of awards. Still, under the facade, a rage brewed... a rage against gay men, the sex-crazed lifestyle that most NYC guys follow, the incestuous nature of our relationships: really we've all shared the same guy. My success on stage and my social distance gave me a feeling of importance, it fueled the victim in me. I was justified; I was even being rewarded for being the beautiful man to whom an ugly thing had happened... 10 years later, something has shifted. That sweet wave of success curled and crashed onto shore; financially things got so dry I had to relinquish my lease and move in with family... I had to pack up my belongings and go; and it all fit in just a few boxes. One night, standing alone in my new space, seeing as if I had nothing to gain, I also realized I had nothing to lose. I realized I am not the stage gigs, the awards, the residuals. Strange things manifested; soon my body started acting crazy... I developed a painful rectal infection--not sexually related, which added to the mystery--and so I feared I could be developing colon cancer... then my right foot started to hurt like f--k (plantar fasciitis). I had two surgeries within a 6-month period. Luckily there was no cancer, and the foot injury--although chronic--is healing well. And that's when it dawned on me: I am not my body either... I am not a disease, or an infection, or chronic pain. I realized that somehow... by using the power of suggestion, I was inflicting pain upon my self... and that it was manifesting--pouring out through my body. I don't know if I'm making any sense here... I'm going stream of consciousness. Yet the point I want to make is that HSV (be it 1, be it 2) cannot be this consuming; it cannot hold such power over me; it cannot be so big a demon that cannot be tamed. As an actor, I've had an easy ride in the love department; I've gotten more sexual attention than I needed from both sexes. Self-love has never been something I needed to work on... what for? THEY were doing it for me. But for the past 2 years, as I've moved closer to 40, and I've seen my world do a 180... giving up so much, relinquishing so much, letting go of things that oppressed me, I see... I see... that I am the one; that happiness is in my own hands. HSV, among other forces, has been a path toward self-realization and the ride is nowhere near its end. I once thought about suicide--I admit--but today I chin up and think: "No f---ing way; I wanna know how this thing ends." I hope this note brings you hope, or at least make you laugh. Best regards.
  23. I'm sorry about your situation; I can imagine how it must feel. My heart goes out to you. I totally agree with (the_H_opp). And pray that the anger you're feeling right now soon leaves you... I felt for a long time (and at times the old noise comes back up) that I was paying for someone else's mistakes; and so the anger motivated me, made me feel powerful. But that sword is double-edged. Because it's all a state of mind. at the end of the day, we must be good to ourselves cause nobody else has the power to make us happy. ;) from a George Michael song. Stay beautiful. Spoil your child.
  24. Hello, Iris... I can totally relate as well... those experiences do occur, when temptation rears its head and next thing you know... boom! But Penelope is absolutely right: I would take rejection any day instead of guilt. It's a matter of character. Look at it this way: your disclosing is opening the door to a very necessary discussion, it's not opening a can of worms, it's the great litmus test. If we contracted HSV so easily--and we ain't sluts--what else is there to catch? (think about it) Protection is two-fold. I've been HSV+ for 10 years; diagnosed when I was 30 and I'm a gay dude in NYC... imagine that! But rejection management comes with life, be it fueled by an STI or not. (I'm an actor too!) Rejection is not bad, yes it sucks because you feel like you're stuck in it, but it vanishes... like our blistered skin... it heals! Chin up, mama, there are worse mistakes you can make. Now be your best fabulous self, tell the guy about your HSV stat, don't suck him off unless he invites, and rest assured that you've done the right thing, and that you're a woman: loving and lovable. Good luck!
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