danis

Hello, I’m no stranger to this forum but this is the first time I’ve been in this situation. I’ve had HSV2 for almost 10 years (since I was 21). I’ve been largely responsible (with some moments of lack of judgement that I sorely regret). But all in all, as far as I know, I’ve never given HSV to any of my partners as long as I’ve had it. My OBs are mild, and they happen on average 1/24 months, usually in times of some level of stress, always leading up to my period and NEVER while I’m taking antivirals. also, NEVER while in a relationship. well a couple weeks ago everything changed. After about 8 years w/o a very serious relationship I’m deeply in love with someone, he loves me back, and we’re super happy together. It’s only been about 4-5 months, but we see this working out very long term. I told him about HSV before we had sex he was very understanding, I was taking antivirals for maintenance before even dating him and kept up with the exception of a week I forgot my meds and was away on vacation and away from him. we’ve worn condoms every single time, we’ve had sex, and had had no other problems w out sex life. we had sex last Thursday, I was already about 3 days into my period and was on my meds (remember I’ve never had an outbreak outside of days before my period or while taking meds). Last Saturday morning I start feeling itchy, not quite right down there. In the evening before we were supposed to head out for the night I was so bothered - thinking it was maybe a tear of some sort, and praying, that although it was in the exact area where I get outbreaks, that it wasn’t that. To my demise, it was the starting stages of a very clear but small OB. I felt my world crumble. at first my mind raced through every excuse I could maybe come up with to not have to share this information, but no matter what, i felt that anything other than the truth would be dishonest. I told him everything and was honest that when we had sex a couple days prior that I wasn’t experiencing symptoms. But here we were 2 days later, with an obvious flare up. he was extremely understanding and did not put any blame on me at all. He extremely loving and has followed my boundaries of abstaining from sec for about 2 weeks. It’s been 9 days and he has no signs of symptoms, so we’re hopefully in the clear. My symptoms with added medication cleared up within 2 days as usual. still despite that all being signs of a happy ending, I’m feeling a huge amount of self hatred. My heart keeps racing when I don’t hear from him thinking that maybe he’s found symptoms and hates me for it. i feel extremely guilty that I was overconfident thinking I totally had this under control and that I haven’t been checking on everything, and doing visual, tactile and overall checks prior to sex with my partners, In particular my current one that I have strong feelings of love for. that I’ve been eating chocolate, and cashews while being super stressed with work. That I thought I couldn’t pass this to someone. That missing a day on medication wasn’t a big deal. i feel like I’ve regressed 10 steps. I feel vulnerable, evil, selfish, stupid, and every adjective in between that I may have put the man I love at risk… or that I didn’t do everything in my power to lower that risk. im of course willing to change everything - skip my period most months, take more medication, take vitamins like lysine and olive leaf, give up chocolate, nuts, and other high arginine foods. Do visual checks each and every time here after. I’ll do it all. I’m working on strategies to lower my high stress at this new role at work. i don’t think doing all those things is gonna make this horrible feeling go away, however. It feels like God is punishing me directly. I feel like I don’t deserve this person. Or any person at all. I’m not sure how I’ll ever be intimate with him again. I feel like im gonna be afraid for as long as we’re together they I’m just a ticking time bomb and that I’m solely responsible for any suffering that comes of this. Part of me wants to push him away so that I don’t hurt him. He makes me so happy, but how could I possible making him happy if being intimate with me is a risk in itself? How can we ever think about kids if even wearing a condom feels like I’m exposing him to something terrible? im feeling lost, and deeply desire to self sabotage to “cut our losses”. I know this would hurt him so much, but wouldnt this be protecting him? Looking for some advice on how I can curb this feeling… I don’t want to lose him. But having a hard time seeing how i can even love myself or let anyone else love me after this….

I know that I shouldn't feel as strongly or badly about this as I do, but my heart hurts today and is weighting me down after the situation I went through last night. I had a randez-vous with my ex last night, which unexpectedly turned physical. He and I have stayed friends the last 9 months since our break up and have hung out at least once before. He lives kind of far and we had wanted to go hiking together before i move across the country in the next couple months. Because of the 90 minute drive each way and a busy weekend ahead for me, he offered his spare room the night before our hike so i wouldn't have to drive over 3 hrs in one day. I took the offer, and with completely innocent intentions, I went there yesterday evening. We went out to dinner and he showed me a couple bars in his new town that he liked. It became clear as the evening went on that we were getting progressively flirtier and more physical. One thing lead to another and we started hooking up, it was clear we both wanted to have sex with each other. We had a sexual relationship when we were together, and he knows about my HSV + status. We always wore condoms and I never pressured him to have sex without one. Last night, because neither of us were expecting to hook up and because neither of us had been sexually active since we were together months and months ago, we did not have a condom available and it was already around 1:30am so it would have been a mission to go out and get one. Because I trust him as a person, and as a friend, I told him that I hadn't slept with anyone since our break up, and if he hadn't either that I would feel comfortable about not wearing a condom. I'd also just gone to the gyno this week and everything looked fine. All while fooling around, he proceeded to question me about my antiviral usage, and then asked me if i was telling the truth about taking them??? I told him that was kind of fucked up to ask, but didn't worry about it in that second. Then he sighed and told me he just felt nervous to have sex without a condom with ME. It all kind of took me aback, granted, I was fairly tipsy and reacted emotionally to the rejection. In my mind - this was obviously a one-time thing that wasn't going to be repeated, I know the increased risk, since i'm taking antivirals goes from 1% to 2%, which yes, double, but double is just 1% more, but I know I haven't had outbreaks at all recently and if I had I would never had suggested sex without a condom. Moreover, unprotected sex isn't an option I normally give men I sleep with -- I really have to trust them and even in a relationship I rarely have unprotected sex. I also felt pretty damn terrible about my integrity being questioned, and that his reaction was 100% based on a worry for a stigma rather than real risks involved, -- this all made feel even more shame and decimated my self-worth. Moreover, I'm 90-95% sure that this is the man that gave me HPV last year because of when i got a symptom and the timing of the first couple months of us dating when we were sleeping with each other so frequently (after this recent gyno appointment it does seem like my body has passed that virus). The only conversation we had about that over a year ago, was about the HPV diagnosis. I never blamed him but I did tell him, timing really made it likely that it was him. Of course he denied, denied, denied... I never gave him flack for it, and never held it against him. And yet last night my condition, that he never even got tested for, was now being held over my head as the most risky thing that he could do.... It shouldn't come as a surprise that we didn't have sex, I stopped everything we were doing once he said that he didn't want to without a condom, and I went to the spare room as he was trying to apologize over and over, but my walls were already miles high - I didn't want to hear it because nothing was going to make me feel better in that moment. I slept a few hours and left at 6 in the morning to drive back home. I feel completely let down and I have no idea what the best way to process this is. I hadn't really been dating in the last few months, and have been totally celibate the last 9 months.... and now I feel dirty, shamed, humiliated, unworthy. I know I need to have a conversation with him about this. I know he did not mean to hurt me, and I know I shouldn't be angry about a choice that he has every right to make, but jesus christ the way this happened with someone I care about deeply just rocked me and it feels like there's a sharp knife just hanging off my chest right now..... I guess I'm looking for solidarity, a pep talk, moral support...I don't know. I'm usually very sex-positive, and don't worry much about H or my status; now it just feels like years of my lack of worrying just reversed and came back tumbling down on me all at once.

Went for a check up yesterday to the gyno due to an unrelated concern. turns out I had a small genital wart in my vulva. ive had hsv2 for 8 years now, fully control it with acyclovir. Partners have been super understanding. I’ve been largely single for the last 6 years so I’ve had a couple casual/short term relationship partners a year. I met my current boyfriend in early February. we started having sex in March (post disclosure). We’ve only had protected sex. I’ve only had protected sex except for maybe once the last 2 years. last summer my check up was completely regular. I don’t know much about HPV, but the timing of this is screwing with my head. I’m so frustrated because I got the vaccine 5 years ago and yet here I am. There’s no way I can blame (nor do I want to blame) this on my partner. As a matter of fact, even though we’ve been sleeping together for 4 months, there’s a chance the person I slept with late last year gave it to me and i didn’t express symptoms and obviously never saw/noticed a wart till now with this check up. The average time to get a symptom is within a couple months but I slept with someone in December, haven’t gotten a check up since last summer. I feel completely taken aback. not only do I have to deal with HSV now, but this is probably gonna ruin my relationship. I have no idea if my current partner or the guy before gave this to me.... there’s no way to get him tested since it’s non cancerous (won’t cause abnormal cells outside of skin cells). I may have already given it to him, he may not have it, but if I continue sleeping with him he might and probably will get it (a lot more contagious than HSV). The only way this could be okay is if he was the one that gave it to me. Otherwise I feel like a fucking disgusting promiscuous villain with all these STDs that this guy might get all because of me. We had a conversation about it. He obviously doesn’t think it’s him (says his last std test was clean, he didn’t sleep with anyone since his ex from last September). I explained how the timing was unfortunate and that just as much as it could be him it could have been the person before him because I’m not sure when this appeared. He seems okay, but obviously concerned about our sex life even more now. I’m about to break down. It’s not like HSV (the large majority of people pass a strain within 2 years) and guys are least likely to get symptoms at all, but it’s yet another thing I have. Another thing that takes away my value and shatters my self esteem. I’ve worked so hard to feel fine about my hsv diagnosis 8 years ago and it’s all tumbling down. I got the wart removed but now I feel terrified of sex in general.... I could have this for up to two years. Hoping I at least don’t express symptoms again. I need support right now. I feel disgusting and feelings of dirtiness that I haven’t felt in 8 years are all coming back. I feel like God has somehow chosen to punish me. I have not idea why or how after being so careful for years this is happening to me. I almost wish it was the cancerous HPV because at least it wouldn’t have symptoms and it wouldn’t affect a male partner. im terrified he’s going to change his mind and leave me since I’m such a liability in intimacy. I hate myself so much right now it physically hurts....