[Anyone willing to talk on the chat feature here]

I'm not doing so great and was wondering if someone would be willing to write in the messages with me.  I could use someone that can relate, maybe someone that has had this virus since their teens or very early 20s.  But I'm not picky, I'd be willing to talk with anyone.

[Settling (settled) for a spouse]

Thank you Birds, that was a very helpful post.  You have no idea how much it helped. 

As with most relationships, the issue is probably not with her, it's with me.  At 42 yo now, I've had this disease for way more than half my life, I've had it since I was 16 from the first girl I kissed.  I've only EVER been monogamous.  And I guess with the pandemic on top of a typical sexual midlife crisis when going into your 40s, it's driven me to depression.  Not necessarily depressed about my current life, but the life I lost in my teens, 20s, and to a lesser extent in my 30s because of this disease. 

Oh well, I know most would say I have a perfect, charmed life if they knew me.  And I know many have it worse.  I just hate the havock this disease has caused me for so long.  And am so sick of the depression it has caused for decades.

[Herpes and suicide]

Minerva, I sent you a direct link to the story in a DM. 

[Herpes and suicide]

So, I guess the moderators deleted links I put in my post, maybe that's a rule.  One of the links was from an Australia study that showed a LARGE percentage of suicides had googled about herpes on their computers before committing suicide.  Another article was about how there is a growing recognition in the medical community that the HSV virus which we know hides in our nervous systems may impact the mental health of people with the infection.  These stories seem to be the tip of the iceberg that obviously the main stream media wouldn't care about because of COVID and just because, but also doesn't seem to be raised in our "own" community.  Thoughts?

[Herpes and suicide]

Been struggling with depression lately.  Not sure if it is caused by having herpes or that herpes just exacerbates it.  I know I the past, no doubt it was because I had herpes, but I've been dealing with this for way more than half my life.

It made me wonder, how many of us actually die by suicide and it never gets reported.or tracked.  Herpes has been put on a shelf, way before COVID, to HIV and cancer and nearly any other disease you can think of.  Of course curing HIV and cancer are critical, important.  But the mentality from the scientific and medical community imo has been that herpes doesn't kill you, it's just a skin infection, so it gets put on a shelf for later vaccine or cure consideration.  

Obviously COVID is a different beast, please don't misread me.  But if 10% of the COVID effort was put into finding a cure or vaccine for herpes, how many lives might that have saved from suicide?  How many years might that have prevented many of us from being in a deep spiraling depression.  

I'm glad this community exists.  I want us all to be happy and in love.  But when we say this disease is nothing to worry about, we seem to only feed into that belief that has put us at the bottom of the ladder for a cure or vaccine. 

I hope everyone is well.  I apologize for venting.  You all are great and strong, and I really mean that.  God bless.

[So much pain, I'm gonna die!!! :(]

First outbreak is the worst.  I don't know if this is true, but my gut tells me the worst your initial outbreak the better your body handles it in the future.  I can still remember my first outbreak so many years ago.  But, I can't even remember my "last" outbreak.  That too was also I guess years ago.  Take your vitamins, eat healthy, and try to get some exercise (probably difficult to do during your first outbreak).  It does get easier regarding the outbreaks.  

[What if my worst fear is coming true?]

Like was posted above, there's so much here.  And it's hard to see the forest for the trees.  This won't effect his military opportunity, relax on that.  I'm a former military officer and have had this since I was 16 years old.  You also indicated he already had HSV1.  If he now has HSV2 also, his health will not get worse.  He will be ok.  The hardest part about this is disclosing and limiting yourself to those already infected (if you choose that path).  He was already in both those situations.  The depression sounds like it was already there.  That's something that can effect a person's military opportunities.  You can be depressed in the military, of course, but if it effects your motivation or decision making abilities, that can be a problem.   Sounds like you're there for him.  Keep loving your life and support him, but if it's a negative relationship, regardless of disease, it might be wise to step away.  Easy to say, but that's always an option.  Feel free to contact me direct.  You're a good, caring person.  Know that, hold on to that.

[I need someone someone to help me]

What else do you have going on in your life?  Dating was not EVERYTHING.  Are you in school, working, playing a sport, going to the gym, etc.  I know this COVID pandemic has upended so much of all our lives, but my advice and experience is to pour yourself into those other aspects of your life that were already there before this diagnosis that maybe you neglected.  Be a better student, be a better employee, be a better brother/sister/son/daughter/friend, work out more, eat better, etc.  Over time you can even expand and take on new things to focus on and help develop yourself, get a pet, volunteer to coach or be a big brother/sister, etc.  Baby steps, got to crawl before you can walk.  But... If you focus on the dating and sex, it will eat you up.  Those parts of your life have changed, there is no denying that.  But it's not the most important part of your life, hard to realize that now and easy for me to write, I know.  But it's TRUE, I promise   Good luck.  Direct message me if you want.

[Settling (settled) for a spouse]

I can't imagine anything ruining my quality of life more than entering the dating scene as a divorcee in my 40s with an incurable STD.  Plus, I don't want to break up my family, I have kids.  That's great you and your spouse are willing to take on the risk of infection, I just couldn't do that to someone, much less someone I love, not after all I've been through with this.  So, I am where I am.  Maybe I'm unique, maybe no one has ever approached this disease like me in refusing to spread it and risk infection to another even if they are willing to risk infection.  But that's why I'm here, trying to write and talk with other people to get their perspectives.  I'm happy for you that the man you love, also loves you enough to risk a life long STD.  That's a special thing.  I hope you guys are life long partners and he goes through life without ever being infected.  That would be AWESOME and a real win against this disease.

[I can't tell if this guy is worth disclosing to? (aka terrified of rejection)]

I'm not in the dating world, but was.  I would disclose before going to spend the weekend with someone.  I can't imagine a worst weekend then disclosing to someone that then rejects you for that and being stuck there.  I mean, that's about as awkward as it gets.  

I chose a while ago to not date anyone that wasn't already infected.  You say the person is a friend.  Ok, what happens if he says he's ok with it.  And then you infect him.  I mean, he's infected for life.  Do you both just love on after that if it doesn't become a life long relationship?  I personally would feel beyond horrible if I infected a "friend."  I guess to each their own.  I've been told I'm negative recently, so I apologize if this seems negative.  I'm just trying to be honest and candid.

Also, flip it around, let's say you do not have herpes, but he did.  And he told you before a weekend like this.  How would you handle it?  Knowing where you are and what you are asking and feeling now, would you really risk a life long infection?

Good luck whatever you choose.  You are here asking the question, so you are better than 90% of the people that don't even think twice about this stuff.  Be proud of that.  Go one step further, and definitely let him know before you go spend a weekend with him.

[Hi I am new to all this]

@My_dog_is_hungry I'm not spreading negativity, definitely not trying to.  I'm looking for fellow people to talk to about this situation that we share in life.  I know many on here just come because of a recent diagnosis.  I've dealt with this for way over half my life.  I don't think I was even done with puberty when I had this life long disease change the direction and course of my life.  It is 100% not rainbows and butterflies.  I am not talking down to anyone, I am sharing my experience and story.  Unfortunately, my experience and story happens to be a sad one.  And ironically, many including me would say I'm a "successful" story with a wife and kids and good job, etc.  I don't know if this site has Direct Messaging, but you seem to care and are engaged.  I'd love to write you one on one.  I'd rather not disappear from these sites again and go back to pretending herpes has no influence on my current life or where I am.  But, if you think that's better than me sharing my history with this disease, I respect that and could just go away from here.  If nothing else, thank you for engaging me, not ignoring or dismissing.  You're a good person and definitely mean well.  I like to think the same applies to me.

[Hi I am new to all this]

I get it, and I'm not trying to be abrasive.  But the idea that keeps popping up as I review comments is that when a person is unwilling to risk a life long STD for a relationship, then that relationship and people were never meant to be.  I wish I could get over that hump.  I have no doubt I was meant to be with a different person that was derailed by this disease.  A great person, loving person.  I don't blame her for turning away from our relationship and I certainly don't believe we weren't meant for each other.  This infection and stigma wreaks havoc on lives, typically on those lives of good people that are willing to face it and tell others about their infection.  Maybe my reality is off.  I would appreciate and be FOREVER thankful to anyone that could help me see and understand this other side that herpes does us a favor by allowing us to know those that "truly" love us, it just doesn't add up or match reality.

[Settling (settled) for a spouse]

Agree, sort of.  It depends if you are willing to risk infecting someone you love and want to marry.  I wasn't willing to do that.  Felt if I was with someone that wasn't infected, and later got infected for life from me, the relationship would never be equal.  So, didn't go down that road.  Now that's water under the bridge.  Herpes has helped lead me here.  Maybe I'm the only one who settled with another on a website or meeting group because they didn't want to infect another.  Unfortunately that's water under the bridge.  Just wondering if there is anyone else out there in a similar situation.  Would love to know and share feelings and thoughts on the matter.  

[Settling (settled) for a spouse]

Anyone on here settled because of H and married someone who also has it because you couldn't take the thought of passing it on to someone else?  I've been married for years, beautiful family, beautiful home, great job, looks from the outside like an amazing life.  But to get here, I settled.  I don't think I ever loved my wife and don't love her now.  I always feel and think had it not been for H, I would have married much better and differently.  Am I alone on this?

[Sad..]

I got this when I was 16 from the first girl I ever kissed.  I thought she was a virgin too.  I had no idea.  Anyways, this virus has taken the love of my life away from me when I was 20.  My girlfriend for two years that I truly loved.  I didn't "know" for certain I had it, I stayed with the girl that gave it to me all through high school.  So when I moved on to college I had blocked it from my mind.  I didn't have any outbreaks, so I went into school thinking I was normal.  Well, the second girl I ever kissed that I dated in college got a cold sore on her mouth, and she had given me oral.  She was a nursing student and we got tested and I had it.  Anyways, she left school, I dropped out for a while too, I really thought about suicide.  But decided to live life instead.  Not sure if it was the right decision.  I settled to have a family and "normal" life and do have beautiful kids and a great job.  But there's no love with my wife, probably never was.  We met online at a H dating site and moved forward.  Life will never be the same for you and we both missed out on a large part of life because of this virus at such a young age.  Good luck, I recommend pouring yourself into school, work, other areas of your life to make yourself better.  

[Suicidal due to herpes]

I get it.  I've been there.  I am there now, just not as far down as it seems you are or as far down as I've been before.  I don't know if you ever get out of it.  But when I was lowest, I knew that if I committed suicide that the pain would end.  I don't discount that, it would.  But everything ends.  There is no more life after that.  I decided to either do it, or just move on with life.  I didn't enjoy life after that, but each morning I thought, well, I could be dead.  So, I suppose this is better.  I also thought in the back of my mind, I could kill myself at anytime, so moved forward, worked on self goals, finishing school, getting a job, things like that.  I'm in a tough spot now, because I've always thought I could just end it any time, so why not try life.  But now I have kids, I've really boxed myself in.  There's a lot of me that would appreciate death.  All of me wishes I had that death option at any time like I had before.  I feel trapped.  I have to smile and move on for my kids.  I'm not saying it gets better, candidly it does at times, but not always.  But, we're all gonna be dead soon enough, life at most is 100 years.  So I figure I'd try it, I hope you decide the same.