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Sex with herpes without a condom?
OnTheBrightSide replied to prettylady_92's topic in Herpes question(s)
@Pretty lady_92 Hello & congrats on the budding relationship! Something to keep in mind is that if you decide to not use a condom then you should be prepared for some potential outcomes. Things I've either experienced or read about from other peoples' posts are things like partners regretting it later on and becoming angry at the H+ partner, becoming paranoid that the they have contracted and testing constantly, and the worst, because being H+ can make you more vulnerable to other infections, that their partner brings something into the relationship. My personal thought is, you stop using condoms when he's committed to you in that rest-of-your-life kind of way, not the the, we're still getting to know each other and we might break up next month and if I gave you H+ that would make me feel like crap even though you wanted to take the condom off, kind of way. The fact of the matter is, guys hate condoms, always have and likely always will. Even though this might feel like further acceptance or your H+ status, you have to think about your health and well being first. Remember that with H+, your instinct is to be extra giving but the truth of the matter is that you have to be extra selfish because your health is on the line. Hope that helps and good luck! -
It hurts worse than the blisters
OnTheBrightSide replied to HerryTheHerp's topic in General herpes discussion
Herry, there's an tightness in my chest the size of fist after reading what you wrote. It's so achingly poetic that I wanted to forget there was a real man with a giant heart on the other end of the screen. It's probably not much of a comfort to say that your capacity to hurt is a testament to your capacity to love and that the pendulum will swing the other way. It is the law of nature. It won't take much of the sting away to say that she'll probably get her comeuppance in some karmic-ally comedic way because you're due. But even if her life fell apart, it's doubtful it would make an impression on a heart as cold as that. It likely won't make you feel any less raw to note that even in this moment when the winds of anger and disgust and betrayal are howling in your head, you're default is still gentlemanly logic and temperance, and your instinct is that the momentary pleasure of ratting her out isn't worth twisting and chewing up your personal code. But at this particularly crushing low, I hope you'll find strength in knowing that whatever else she took from you, she gave you us. -
His herpes test results were negative...
OnTheBrightSide replied to Klopz's topic in General herpes discussion
@JustSmile...they also make mugs. :) -
His herpes test results were negative...
OnTheBrightSide replied to Klopz's topic in General herpes discussion
@Klopz Sending you hugs and thoughts! Great advice from WCSDancer2010 and JustSmile. Try not to look for signs that he is less into you. Take him at what he said and live your life. Show him that this diagnosis hasn't thrown you off course and he will absorb this and reflect it back. But if you act like this has changed everything then it will change everything. If I remember correctly he just got back from vacation which means lots of things to sort out and it's the start of a new year. He says he wants to see you and only you which sounds like he's committed to getting to know you more which is exactly what you wanted! Disclosure comes with its own landmines. It's a bit of a mind F because you want him to say its not a big deal but you're nervous enough about telling him that the big deal that is potential rejection gets all blurred with the not-big-deal of H. And even when we have tangible proof of acceptance (he hasn't run for the hills), our minds almost can't believe it and go looking for clues that he lied/didn't think it through/doesn't understand/is scared to leave and be that guy, etc). Recognize this as YOUR doubt, not his. The thing I try to remember is that if I can't truly and completely accept that it is perfectly rational to want to be with H+ me, then there is NO CHANCE that he will believe that it is perfectly rational to want to be with H+ me. I had to learn that I couldn't ask him to prove again and again that he wanted me. It's not his responsibility to make me more comfortable with my diagnosis. It's my responsibility to make him more comfortable with my diagnosis...by continuing to be the awesome human that I am (made more awesome by H) and demonstrating all the reasons he was into me in the first place. Don't (h)alt your life @Klopz! Live it (h)arder than ever and watch what (h)appens. x -
@rah09 Welcome and warm wishes! WCSDancer2010 is spot on, ignorance breeds intolerance, information is liberation! (I didn't mean for that to rhyme but it did and now I'm quite pleased with myself) I know this sounds kind of nutty, but when I get those creeping, obsessive negative thoughts I find 3 things help: 1. Realize that those thoughts are not you. They sound a lot like you but that's only because you wondered those things once, consciously, and now, it's like a broken door that swings open with the occasional breeze, triggered by stress, depression, etc (or sometimes you're just hungry :) and you didn't actively open the door but the wind that comes through can chill you to the bone. 2. Size up the negative thoughts. They feel pretty big and you're simultaneously feeling the thousands of punishing scenarios for which you feel every associated emotion. Pull the thoughts out of the limitless space of your mind and into the real world. For me this works by counting. I take a piece of paper put a check mark under the headline No One Will Ever Want to Sleep with Me Again. Other popular headlines include: I Will Be Alone Forever, How Could I Have Been So Irresponsible, My Life is Just Generally Over, etc. Just the act of counting alone makes you aware of how often your mind is wandering to that neg place, pulls the thought out, and reminds you that it's just a thought. An occurrence to be noted rather than a truth to be absorbed. One of my favorite pod-castors describes this neg cycle as something like "having felt a thousand tragedies, but lived through none." 3. Keep the door closed by making peace with the wind. The bad thought will probably always be there, the door is broken, but you can work on how often the wind blows it open. This one is tougher. What works for me is a little mantra where I try to make friends with the malevolence in my brain. I tell the wind: I love you, I forgive you, you will always be a part of me, but it's time for us to work together. I say it out loud so that I know it hears me and so I feel myself taking back control. I say it over and over again sometimes, until I feel it. And then I say it again. Find the mantra that works for you! It feels a little silly at first but I figure, if it's talking to me...I may as well talk back. :) Sending you (h)ugs and (h)ealing thoughts. p.s. Naming it can also really help. HerryTheHerp has a great post on it!
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How Harry The Herp came to terms with one another
OnTheBrightSide replied to HerryTheHerp's topic in My herpes story
@Adrial, Very good points! Our brains would likely find another reason to reject ourselves. For me, I think, it's empowering to explore all the options, but you're right, the "cure" starts with de-stigmatization and self-love. I still wrestle with the dichotomy of 'it's not a big deal, it's a rash' and 'it's a big enough deal that I have to disclose it', 'it's not big deal, work on your attitude' and 'it is a big deal, be active in the science', 'its not a big deal, be comfortable with having it' and 'it's kind of big deal, be terrified of giving it to someone else', ...it hurts my head to go around in these circles... -
How Harry The Herp came to terms with one another
OnTheBrightSide replied to HerryTheHerp's topic in My herpes story
Interesting crowd funding sites for science: https://www.microryza.com/ http://www.petridish.org/ -
How Harry The Herp came to terms with one another
OnTheBrightSide replied to HerryTheHerp's topic in My herpes story
@HerryTheHerp Hmmmm, what would we need to do to start a Kickstarter to raise $ for vaccine research... -
Hi @Tartarus52c, And welcome to an H-tastic community! I echo much of what @WCSDancer2010 and @HerryTheHerp have said. You really have little to worry about passing to your children. HSV2 really prefers to stay on the genitals and cannot live once exposed to the air for very long since it's really not much more than a fragile parasite (I've read about 10 minutes or so). The only thing you have to worry about is passing on the anxiety and shame of H to your children. Little ones can sense when something is wrong much more than adults realize, and you're going to do more harm by avoiding touching them or over-protectively checking them for sores. As a kid with a crap father, I would have traded Herpes for a great dad in a heartbeat. Still would. A lifetime of being loved and supported is worth any rash and any social stigma. What an incredible opportunity you have to teach your children that life throws some punches but that love and support and sticking together gets you through all that! Also, that caring for your health should start at birth rather than when something goes wrong! Guilt implies you knowingly did something wrong. It is a feeling of having done wrong or failed in an obligation. But you haven't. Wrong was done to you. The equivalent of someone sneezing in your face during flu season, except its a little more socially sticky and little further south. Would you feel guilty about giving them eczema? For the sake of your health, try and break down the guilt you feel. Dig deeper into the yes's and celebrate the no's. Is it fear that your wife will leave you? Your family will reject you? Your children will blame you? Blame you for what? For giving them a rash? A rash they will have to explain to their future partners? Are you anxious that if they are H+, that you can't teach them to love and respect themselves? How will their lives actually will be ruined? For every newbie that thinks their life is ruined, there are 10 healing who will tell you their lives are far from ruined and 5 veterans who will tell you that their lives are better for it! The only thing H has done is add the discomfort of disclosure. Sounds like you're married to a woman you love so keep being a good husband and father and neither of you will have to worry about that. On the slim chance your children are H+, all you've done is given them a reason not to jump quickly into sex. If your children were short then you would have taken from them the possibility of playing professional basketball. Would you feel guilty about that? I know you're in the thick of it now but you're doing the right thing reaching out. Just remember that if you feel shame, disgust, terror, guilt, etc, so will your children and that will be the burden they carry for the rest of their lives. A burden far more harmful than H. Sending you happy thoughts with a capital H!
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First Herpes Disclosure Tonight so nervous...
OnTheBrightSide replied to someone_20's topic in Herpes talk success stories
Sending you good vibes! -
Having the herpes talk tomorrow. Help!
OnTheBrightSide replied to Klopz's topic in The herpes talk: disclosing
Happy New Year Klopz, I hope the disclosure went well! -
Hi Strawberrygirl, Happy New Year! 2 quick thoughts: 1. WCSDancer2010 is completely right. Men say what they mean. Often women try to find hidden meanings but guys tend to be pretty straight forward. If he says he isn't in a hurry to get into a relationship then he's not. That doesn't mean a relationship is out of the question. You've only know each other 3 months. On the other hand, take a minute and ask yourself if you really know the answer...but it's just not the one you want. (assuming you want to be in a relationship with him). 2. If I could go back in time and tell the 20 year old me one thing it would be to stop wasting time with all the wondering. If you're concerned, TALK TO HIM! It can be scary and uncomfortable but only because you are probably worried that your questions will "give him the wrong impression" or turn him off somehow. You don't want to ask if this trip is you two dating more intensely or if it's just friendly but with sex or just friendly because you think this might make you look 'a crazy girl who needs commitment'. Same anxiety we all feel. But that's a load of crap. :) Ask yourself 3 questions and hold firmly to your answers when you talk to him so you don't compromise on what you want. 1. Do you want to be in a relationship with him and are you willing to take it slow? What does taking it slow mean for you? Date without sleeping together for while? Reassess in 2-3 months? 2. Can you honestly go on this trip casually without sex being involved and /or not come out feeling more for him and hoping he feels more for you? 3. How are you going to feel if you go on this undefined trip thinking that you'll give him the girlfriend experience without actually being his girlfriend? How will this affect you heart? Whatever you decide to do, please remember that H makes us extra sensitive to feeling unwanted but that shouldn't mean you ever accept less wanting then your heart needs, because that's drop after drop of poison that dissolves silently and insidiously in the well of your soul. There forever. Good luck!
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@HopefulVictoria. As far as I've read it isn't so much that any food can directly cause an outbreak, although if you are allergic to something that can stress your immune system, which can perceive that allergen the same way it perceives a virus and go on a rampage leaving you exposed to HSV. Holistically speaking, Even foods that might irritate you, like dairy, which most of us put up with because pizza without cheese is tough to swallow, can irritate the immune system. But think of it more like adding crappy motor oil to your car...it will still run...but less effectively. the good news is, you can put good oil in at any time! (I hope this is actually true as my knowledge of car mechanics is nill) That being said, foods like chocolate that make you happy should in theory bring down your stress levels and frankly stress is the biggest thing to worry about. An odd turn of phrase I know. I find that thinking about what I should put into my body to promote overall health and we'll being goes a lot farther than worrying about what I should keep out. Caffeine does increase stress, why we sometimes sweat from it...but then again not having coffee STRESSES ME OUT. So it's all about balance. I'm doing some research on herpes and nutrition on my 'getting hot with herpes' adventure. I'll post what I find! Sending all you magical people hugs with a Capitol H!
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Solid point Dancer! One of the things I really appreciate about H is that it let's me have a real acid test with a partner and it doesn't let me compromise (as sooooooo many women do) on my non-negotiables. He has non-negotiable, H might be one of them. But if he gets to have them, then SO DO I! @Clementine What I found most interesting about reading your post is: "this time last year, I was happily married enjoying the Christmas season with my husband." Whoa! You've barely been single a minute! Maybe what the H is signaling to you is that you should take some time to get to know yourself. It's funny because if you were a man, I would bet that you'd be single and focusing on your career right now. Men have this fantastic ability to be single-minded and compartmentalize their lives, while women try to have everything and often end with nothing...at least nothing worthwhile. We feel like if we're not CONSTANTLY looking for a man, we'll miss the perfect one. FALSE! Bear with me, and please know I mean no insult, but maybe the divorce (considering you got married young) is the universe's way of giving you a chance to grow and get to know yourself as a single entity rather than as a part of a whole. Maybe the H was another signal (albeit a rough one) of the universe trying to tell you, hey, you just got a divorce...now you're dating again?..come on...off the horse...one way or another...I told you last year you needed some "Clementine-time", you didn't listen so....herpes! I know this might all seem rather...hippie-like. But just to give you a small taste. I think H is one the best things that's every happened to me. Crazy right?? But I've had trouble relationships my whole life. I just hit 30, am fantastic on paper, look the best I ever have in my life, started getting all kinds of attention from the kinds of men women go all cow-eyed for...then BOOM...herpes. Now I could look at it and say..really universe? not going to let me catch a break on this one? dirty 30 and all that? And then I realized...I was about to unleash myself onto the dating scene...a hot 30 year old body (I have like 50 abs)...with a 12 year old's ability to negotiate with men and understand my self-worth. Thanks to H, I will not waste my 30's with one unfulfilling bang after another. I get to focus on learning about me..and...low and behold..a man comes into my life who's helping me grow into myself. And it wouldn't have happened if I hadn't opened myself up to the vulnerability of everything that comes with H, and taken the time to process that without the influence of others. You're confused because you haven't given yourself time to think it through. There's too many people pulling at you to make a decision you're simply not ready to make. One gal to another, fight the urge to go back to comfortable. He left for a reason and he has to work his A$$ off to get back into your good graces. You're not the kind of girl that a man can be wishy washy with...what if he does this again...and you have kids! It sounds like he didn't even try to work through it. And this new guy, sweetheart there will always be a new guy. The scariest thing in the world is standing on your own two feet and being a reflection of only yourself. H puts up a mirror and says...I dare not to passionately fall in love with what you see. Go fall in love with yourself Clementine! Sending you my admiration at your calmness and lovely presence.