OnTheBrightSide

@Pretty lady_92 Hello & congrats on the budding relationship! Something to keep in mind is that if you decide to not use a condom then you should be prepared for some potential outcomes. Things I've either experienced or read about from other peoples' posts are things like partners regretting it later on and becoming angry at the H+ partner, becoming paranoid that the they have contracted and testing constantly, and the worst, because being H+ can make you more vulnerable to other infections, that their partner brings something into the relationship. My personal thought is, you stop using condoms when he's committed to you in that rest-of-your-life kind of way, not the the, we're still getting to know each other and we might break up next month and if I gave you H+ that would make me feel like crap even though you wanted to take the condom off, kind of way. The fact of the matter is, guys hate condoms, always have and likely always will. Even though this might feel like further acceptance or your H+ status, you have to think about your health and well being first. Remember that with H+, your instinct is to be extra giving but the truth of the matter is that you have to be extra selfish because your health is on the line. Hope that helps and good luck!

Herry, there's an tightness in my chest the size of fist after reading what you wrote. It's so achingly poetic that I wanted to forget there was a real man with a giant heart on the other end of the screen. It's probably not much of a comfort to say that your capacity to hurt is a testament to your capacity to love and that the pendulum will swing the other way. It is the law of nature. It won't take much of the sting away to say that she'll probably get her comeuppance in some karmic-ally comedic way because you're due. But even if her life fell apart, it's doubtful it would make an impression on a heart as cold as that. It likely won't make you feel any less raw to note that even in this moment when the winds of anger and disgust and betrayal are howling in your head, you're default is still gentlemanly logic and temperance, and your instinct is that the momentary pleasure of ratting her out isn't worth twisting and chewing up your personal code. But at this particularly crushing low, I hope you'll find strength in knowing that whatever else she took from you, she gave you us.

@JustSmile...they also make mugs. :)

@Klopz Sending you hugs and thoughts! Great advice from WCSDancer2010 and JustSmile. Try not to look for signs that he is less into you. Take him at what he said and live your life. Show him that this diagnosis hasn't thrown you off course and he will absorb this and reflect it back. But if you act like this has changed everything then it will change everything. If I remember correctly he just got back from vacation which means lots of things to sort out and it's the start of a new year. He says he wants to see you and only you which sounds like he's committed to getting to know you more which is exactly what you wanted! Disclosure comes with its own landmines. It's a bit of a mind F because you want him to say its not a big deal but you're nervous enough about telling him that the big deal that is potential rejection gets all blurred with the not-big-deal of H. And even when we have tangible proof of acceptance (he hasn't run for the hills), our minds almost can't believe it and go looking for clues that he lied/didn't think it through/doesn't understand/is scared to leave and be that guy, etc). Recognize this as YOUR doubt, not his. The thing I try to remember is that if I can't truly and completely accept that it is perfectly rational to want to be with H+ me, then there is NO CHANCE that he will believe that it is perfectly rational to want to be with H+ me. I had to learn that I couldn't ask him to prove again and again that he wanted me. It's not his responsibility to make me more comfortable with my diagnosis. It's my responsibility to make him more comfortable with my diagnosis...by continuing to be the awesome human that I am (made more awesome by H) and demonstrating all the reasons he was into me in the first place. Don't (h)alt your life @Klopz! Live it (h)arder than ever and watch what (h)appens. x

@rah09 Welcome and warm wishes! WCSDancer2010 is spot on, ignorance breeds intolerance, information is liberation! (I didn't mean for that to rhyme but it did and now I'm quite pleased with myself) I know this sounds kind of nutty, but when I get those creeping, obsessive negative thoughts I find 3 things help: 1. Realize that those thoughts are not you. They sound a lot like you but that's only because you wondered those things once, consciously, and now, it's like a broken door that swings open with the occasional breeze, triggered by stress, depression, etc (or sometimes you're just hungry :) and you didn't actively open the door but the wind that comes through can chill you to the bone. 2. Size up the negative thoughts. They feel pretty big and you're simultaneously feeling the thousands of punishing scenarios for which you feel every associated emotion. Pull the thoughts out of the limitless space of your mind and into the real world. For me this works by counting. I take a piece of paper put a check mark under the headline No One Will Ever Want to Sleep with Me Again. Other popular headlines include: I Will Be Alone Forever, How Could I Have Been So Irresponsible, My Life is Just Generally Over, etc. Just the act of counting alone makes you aware of how often your mind is wandering to that neg place, pulls the thought out, and reminds you that it's just a thought. An occurrence to be noted rather than a truth to be absorbed. One of my favorite pod-castors describes this neg cycle as something like "having felt a thousand tragedies, but lived through none." 3. Keep the door closed by making peace with the wind. The bad thought will probably always be there, the door is broken, but you can work on how often the wind blows it open. This one is tougher. What works for me is a little mantra where I try to make friends with the malevolence in my brain. I tell the wind: I love you, I forgive you, you will always be a part of me, but it's time for us to work together. I say it out loud so that I know it hears me and so I feel myself taking back control. I say it over and over again sometimes, until I feel it. And then I say it again. Find the mantra that works for you! It feels a little silly at first but I figure, if it's talking to me...I may as well talk back. :) Sending you (h)ugs and (h)ealing thoughts. p.s. Naming it can also really help. HerryTheHerp has a great post on it!

@Adrial, Very good points! Our brains would likely find another reason to reject ourselves. For me, I think, it's empowering to explore all the options, but you're right, the "cure" starts with de-stigmatization and self-love. I still wrestle with the dichotomy of 'it's not a big deal, it's a rash' and 'it's a big enough deal that I have to disclose it', 'it's not big deal, work on your attitude' and 'it is a big deal, be active in the science', 'its not a big deal, be comfortable with having it' and 'it's kind of big deal, be terrified of giving it to someone else', ...it hurts my head to go around in these circles...

Interesting crowd funding sites for science: https://www.microryza.com/ http://www.petridish.org/

@HerryTheHerp Hmmmm, what would we need to do to start a Kickstarter to raise $ for vaccine research...

Hi @Tartarus52c, And welcome to an H-tastic community! I echo much of what @WCSDancer2010 and @HerryTheHerp have said. You really have little to worry about passing to your children. HSV2 really prefers to stay on the genitals and cannot live once exposed to the air for very long since it's really not much more than a fragile parasite (I've read about 10 minutes or so). The only thing you have to worry about is passing on the anxiety and shame of H to your children. Little ones can sense when something is wrong much more than adults realize, and you're going to do more harm by avoiding touching them or over-protectively checking them for sores. As a kid with a crap father, I would have traded Herpes for a great dad in a heartbeat. Still would. A lifetime of being loved and supported is worth any rash and any social stigma. What an incredible opportunity you have to teach your children that life throws some punches but that love and support and sticking together gets you through all that! Also, that caring for your health should start at birth rather than when something goes wrong! Guilt implies you knowingly did something wrong. It is a feeling of having done wrong or failed in an obligation. But you haven't. Wrong was done to you. The equivalent of someone sneezing in your face during flu season, except its a little more socially sticky and little further south. Would you feel guilty about giving them eczema? For the sake of your health, try and break down the guilt you feel. Dig deeper into the yes's and celebrate the no's. Is it fear that your wife will leave you? Your family will reject you? Your children will blame you? Blame you for what? For giving them a rash? A rash they will have to explain to their future partners? Are you anxious that if they are H+, that you can't teach them to love and respect themselves? How will their lives actually will be ruined? For every newbie that thinks their life is ruined, there are 10 healing who will tell you their lives are far from ruined and 5 veterans who will tell you that their lives are better for it! The only thing H has done is add the discomfort of disclosure. Sounds like you're married to a woman you love so keep being a good husband and father and neither of you will have to worry about that. On the slim chance your children are H+, all you've done is given them a reason not to jump quickly into sex. If your children were short then you would have taken from them the possibility of playing professional basketball. Would you feel guilty about that? I know you're in the thick of it now but you're doing the right thing reaching out. Just remember that if you feel shame, disgust, terror, guilt, etc, so will your children and that will be the burden they carry for the rest of their lives. A burden far more harmful than H. Sending you happy thoughts with a capital H!

Sending you good vibes!

Happy New Year Klopz, I hope the disclosure went well!

Hi Strawberrygirl, Happy New Year! 2 quick thoughts: 1. WCSDancer2010 is completely right. Men say what they mean. Often women try to find hidden meanings but guys tend to be pretty straight forward. If he says he isn't in a hurry to get into a relationship then he's not. That doesn't mean a relationship is out of the question. You've only know each other 3 months. On the other hand, take a minute and ask yourself if you really know the answer...but it's just not the one you want. (assuming you want to be in a relationship with him). 2. If I could go back in time and tell the 20 year old me one thing it would be to stop wasting time with all the wondering. If you're concerned, TALK TO HIM! It can be scary and uncomfortable but only because you are probably worried that your questions will "give him the wrong impression" or turn him off somehow. You don't want to ask if this trip is you two dating more intensely or if it's just friendly but with sex or just friendly because you think this might make you look 'a crazy girl who needs commitment'. Same anxiety we all feel. But that's a load of crap. :) Ask yourself 3 questions and hold firmly to your answers when you talk to him so you don't compromise on what you want. 1. Do you want to be in a relationship with him and are you willing to take it slow? What does taking it slow mean for you? Date without sleeping together for while? Reassess in 2-3 months? 2. Can you honestly go on this trip casually without sex being involved and /or not come out feeling more for him and hoping he feels more for you? 3. How are you going to feel if you go on this undefined trip thinking that you'll give him the girlfriend experience without actually being his girlfriend? How will this affect you heart? Whatever you decide to do, please remember that H makes us extra sensitive to feeling unwanted but that shouldn't mean you ever accept less wanting then your heart needs, because that's drop after drop of poison that dissolves silently and insidiously in the well of your soul. There forever. Good luck!

@HopefulVictoria. As far as I've read it isn't so much that any food can directly cause an outbreak, although if you are allergic to something that can stress your immune system, which can perceive that allergen the same way it perceives a virus and go on a rampage leaving you exposed to HSV. Holistically speaking, Even foods that might irritate you, like dairy, which most of us put up with because pizza without cheese is tough to swallow, can irritate the immune system. But think of it more like adding crappy motor oil to your car...it will still run...but less effectively. the good news is, you can put good oil in at any time! (I hope this is actually true as my knowledge of car mechanics is nill) That being said, foods like chocolate that make you happy should in theory bring down your stress levels and frankly stress is the biggest thing to worry about. An odd turn of phrase I know. I find that thinking about what I should put into my body to promote overall health and we'll being goes a lot farther than worrying about what I should keep out. Caffeine does increase stress, why we sometimes sweat from it...but then again not having coffee STRESSES ME OUT. So it's all about balance. I'm doing some research on herpes and nutrition on my 'getting hot with herpes' adventure. I'll post what I find! Sending all you magical people hugs with a Capitol H!

Clementine, Rock on! It sounds like you're on solid ground. (Probably why you sound so composed.) :) I understand about wanting someone around and about it not seeming real. Time help with both of those. Let us know how your disclosure goes, if you decided to go there.

Solid point Dancer! One of the things I really appreciate about H is that it let's me have a real acid test with a partner and it doesn't let me compromise (as sooooooo many women do) on my non-negotiables. He has non-negotiable, H might be one of them. But if he gets to have them, then SO DO I! @Clementine What I found most interesting about reading your post is: "this time last year, I was happily married enjoying the Christmas season with my husband." Whoa! You've barely been single a minute! Maybe what the H is signaling to you is that you should take some time to get to know yourself. It's funny because if you were a man, I would bet that you'd be single and focusing on your career right now. Men have this fantastic ability to be single-minded and compartmentalize their lives, while women try to have everything and often end with nothing...at least nothing worthwhile. We feel like if we're not CONSTANTLY looking for a man, we'll miss the perfect one. FALSE! Bear with me, and please know I mean no insult, but maybe the divorce (considering you got married young) is the universe's way of giving you a chance to grow and get to know yourself as a single entity rather than as a part of a whole. Maybe the H was another signal (albeit a rough one) of the universe trying to tell you, hey, you just got a divorce...now you're dating again?..come on...off the horse...one way or another...I told you last year you needed some "Clementine-time", you didn't listen so....herpes! I know this might all seem rather...hippie-like. But just to give you a small taste. I think H is one the best things that's every happened to me. Crazy right?? But I've had trouble relationships my whole life. I just hit 30, am fantastic on paper, look the best I ever have in my life, started getting all kinds of attention from the kinds of men women go all cow-eyed for...then BOOM...herpes. Now I could look at it and say..really universe? not going to let me catch a break on this one? dirty 30 and all that? And then I realized...I was about to unleash myself onto the dating scene...a hot 30 year old body (I have like 50 abs)...with a 12 year old's ability to negotiate with men and understand my self-worth. Thanks to H, I will not waste my 30's with one unfulfilling bang after another. I get to focus on learning about me..and...low and behold..a man comes into my life who's helping me grow into myself. And it wouldn't have happened if I hadn't opened myself up to the vulnerability of everything that comes with H, and taken the time to process that without the influence of others. You're confused because you haven't given yourself time to think it through. There's too many people pulling at you to make a decision you're simply not ready to make. One gal to another, fight the urge to go back to comfortable. He left for a reason and he has to work his A$$ off to get back into your good graces. You're not the kind of girl that a man can be wishy washy with...what if he does this again...and you have kids! It sounds like he didn't even try to work through it. And this new guy, sweetheart there will always be a new guy. The scariest thing in the world is standing on your own two feet and being a reflection of only yourself. H puts up a mirror and says...I dare not to passionately fall in love with what you see. Go fall in love with yourself Clementine! Sending you my admiration at your calmness and lovely presence.

p.s. please note that that was a metaphorical fire...please don't actually set anyone on fire. Thanks!

@abc123 My hearts aches for you. You sound like you view yourself as a loaded weapon, one that you can't trust to keep the safety on. I hope you give yourself more credit and let some of the pressure out of the H balloon you've been inflating with all of this analysis of your actions. Please know that you're not killing anyone or ruining anyone's life if you give them H. That's the kind of talk that makes it hard for the rest of us to disclose with comfort and confidence. Please realize that you would not be having this spiral if you and David were still together. You would be on here commenting how glad you are that you made the choice to accept him and, even though you caught it, your love is going strong. It's all perspective and you have to realize that NO ONE is going to excuse you, until you excuse yourself. I say excuse NOT forgive because you made a choice. It was the right one at the time. It didn't work out. The only thing you have to forgive it treating yourself like a punching bag now. To err is human and if you start walking down the road of trying to figure how many ways your actions have negatively affected people, you might as well put on some sweat pants and buy a cubic ton of Ben & Jerry's, cause its going to be a while. Also people DO have compassion for drunk drivers...who get help and turn their lives around and use their past mistakes as the fuel to be productive members of society. You have that fuel!! Use it to set yourself and others on fire! Take a deep breath and realize what's in the past is in the past. You are floating in a sea of your emotions and your accusations and your self assessments, and honey, you won't float much longer. You'll have to sink or swim. The tough part with being intelligent and articulate, of which you seem to be both, is that you can tell yourself any story and since an intelligent and articulate person told it, you'll accept it as gospel. What are you really trying to punish yourself for? What feelings of self-loathing is this reinforcing? Please give yourself permission to tell yourself another story. Sending you my forgiveness. X

What a fantastic post Carlos! It so completely captures the fantastic opportunity that H offers: namely the chance to face the truth about all the bull we feed ourselves about rejection! If it wasn't the H, the mean friend we have in our head would pick another story but bash us just as forcefully.

Hi there Clementine, I have to say that for a person who's so recently diagnosed, you have a terrific clarity about things. I don't get the sense that you're distraught but more so confused. It's tough when you have your first disclosure and your diagnosis so closely together. The hard part of disclosing before you've had a chance to process is that you don't really know enough yet to feel confident about what to say, how to say it, and how to respond to his questions or other reactions. I recently had my first disclosure and while I was armed with facts, the thing that helped me the most, and helped him to be most receptive to the information is that I broke it down into 3 basic components. 1. I like you and I'm looking forward to being intimate with you and that's why I want to tell you something personal. 2. I don't know how much you know about H and what your feelings are, but I hope you'll take your cues from me, because I'm calm and collected because I have all the facts, and I'm confident that you'll be calm and collected once I tell you about those facts. And finally 3., I'm not telling you this because I'm ashamed. I'm telling you because I fundamentally respect your right to choose. And even if you aren't comfortable then you're going to walk away thinking "that was one honorable chick...man that must have been hard to tell me". (And if you walk away then you probably didn't see a future with me anyway so better to know now) Now, it sounds like you really like his guy. So if you choose to tell him sooner rather than later, it's all about framing. You respect him and you hold his safety and feelings as more important than your desire to get naked, so you're risking rejection because you respect his right to choose. No one gave you a choice so it's honorable that you should give him one. That being said, disclosing early is the same as telling someone anything intense in the first budding weeks of a relationship. Would you sit him down and tell him that you have a bipolar mother who lives with you? Probably would ease him into that one... So consider waiting a bit longer for vaginal intimacy. Lots of women are worried that they won't be able to keep a guy's attention if they don't put out on the first date. False. Why would you want to be with a guy like that anyway? Also, Dancer is completely right, ask that he be tested with full blood work. Just because you are positive on H doesn't mean you should stop asking partner for testing! What if he caught HIV from someone 6 months ago and has no idea? You can use that time to get more prepared. Plus...lots of oral stuff you can do in the meantime... Let us know what you decide! x

@PlzHelpMe You are absolutely positively not alone. Everything that is making you cry is rooted in you imaging what your future holds. We were all there once, very few could see how much better it could get. We had to believe when others told us so. We had to trust that success stories weren't outliers. Give yourself time to heal. Please keep the conversation going.

@Ponce44 & @abc123 About feeling like no one will want you and that you're somehow unclean or tarnished, know that everyone feels that way at first. It's part of the first wave of stigma that we inflict on ourselves, fueled by our own initial ignorance about H. I'll admit to sitting in the bathroom on more than one occasion and staring at my naked self as though I suddenly had grown a barnacle on my lady business. What am I supposed to do with you now, I would say to my vagina. No one's going to want to come over now that the place is dirty...can't you just move out? The feelings that you have will take time to sort themselves out. Give yourself that time. Most of the time, our crazy, twisted brains will find reasons to find ourselves unworthy. Too short, too tall, not smart enough, not skinny enough, not fit enough, too bald, boobs not big enough...not not not not not....ENOUGH! Why do you lose all hope and confidence? We stuff a lot of these 'not enoughs' down because we can see how varied the world is and we can see lots of different people with all these 'shortcomings' finding love. (Someone for everyone right?) What we don't see enough of (in my opinion) is people in a relationship with H shouting about their love from the rooftops. But they're there! Itchy and proud. A tingle in their groins and a tingle in their hearts. :) As for "feeling ok, forgiveness or acceptance" I fully recommend making friends with your privates again as a fantastic way to start to heal. Grab a mirror! Check things out and I think you'll find that not much has changed. (That was a surprise for me.) In fact, once you get down there, you might find that you're actually quite pleased with yourself. Maybe you've held up well! Maybe you're aging like a fine wine! Give your bits a gentle high-five. Beyond that, I would challenge you to look deeper into the "dirty" feeling at what might be underneath. I asked myself if I really felt dirty or if I was worried that others would think I was dirty and having made up my mind that they would, I accepted that their projected view of me must be my reality. I didn't like how out of control that made me feel so I dug deeper. For me, these feelings were rooted in the idea that if I couldn't sleep with someone right away, (I practice disclosing before dis-clothing) that I wouldn't be able to keep them interested in me. Or that despite getting to know me, once I disclosed, no amount of my awesome would ever weigh more than H on the scale. FALSE: If you were awesome before the H then as you work through this, chances are, you'll become even more awesome. You'll have been a warrior in an epic battle against your greatest fear, that no one will love you and that you're helpless to do anything against that. Well let me tell you what people are going to love about you and why they're going to want you in their lives: 1. Because you took a punch to the gut and been low, but you've dusted yourself off and overcome something challenging while so many others haven't faced adversity and you're stronger and more ready to face other challenges. (How sexy is confidence and someone pursuing their goals?!?) 2. Because no one gave you the choice, you're honest and brave and you practice disclosure, demonstrating time and time again what so many people crave from a partner, connection, care and forethought. (Risking you're own feelings in such a raw way for the sake of protecting someone's choice? Declaring that the needs and feelings of this person in front of you are more important than your own...That's a small dose of heroism!) 3. Because you have a new respect for taking care with your new body, managing your outbreaks and maintaining a healthy immune system. (People who take care of themselves are sexy...there might even be new abs involved) 4. Because you practice the care and tenderness in protecting your future partners. You care more deeply for them because you know they care for you enough to overcome their perceptions of H, and they care for you more deeply as they see the dedication you continue to show for their well-being. And when they put their lips on yours, you'll know that however dirty you may have felt, they think you are that much UNDIRTY! And they want to get duurrtty with you. (Hot!) 5. Because you're more in tune with your body, managing stress and watching for outbreak symptoms, you're also more in tune with the pleasures of your body and the pleasures of your partner. (I firmly believe that people healing with H can be fantastic in bed!) These are just a few. They may seem silly but they're true and weighty because this is an opportunity. H is a tangible, albeit microscopic, source of power and motivation. Remember, if you're here, if you're reaching out, then you already planted the seeds for healing. I can't wait to see how strong you become!