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Aimee (previously baffled1

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  1. Its been 7.5 months since the night that changed me forever. I'm not sure that I'm any closer to acceptance than the night I was robbed of life as I knew it to be. What I can say its' taken this long, and a team of doctors; 7 to be exact and tests to get to the point of having definite answers to what all is wrong and what is caused by what. So I guess there is comfort if you wanted to call it that to have answers. At the same time, it opens ones eyes to devastating and far reaching impact my ex has imposed on my life. There are no words to describe the amount of daily physical discomfort I endure since he infected me. I'm seeing specialist in every condition I have acquired determined to caused by the HSV2. Convectional and known treatments can't be used since they aggrevate and reactivate the HSV 2. After hours with my attorney going over all this, the ex, the nature and its intense complexity of the relationship/non relationship, its like the light bulb goes off, all the pieces of the fall into place, we realized the whole picture. The train to disaster and devastation to me, my life by my ex started the he walked into my life. Because my ex is a sociopath, narissist, passive/aggressive person and I am empathe. You might as just pin a green neon sign target to me. When you had the constant emotional, mental, and some physical abuse, stuck in a never ending cycle. Although its been since May 2013 that we split up, He still comes day/night 24/7 with crazy, physco, cant accept we will never be together. So I take which is the lessor of the 2 evils, respond or not respond; Either way he just goes crazy and my phone lights up nonstop. If he wasn't a civil service, I would deathly fear him. Its that false trust that him being that help bring it to this point, I never believed that he would advantage of the situation as he did. "A desperate man will do and does desperate things." He will be served with the suit soon; hope the restraining order will be in place first. He could go 2 ways; obey the order in every way realizing the depth of legal trouble besides civil he has put himself in or laugh it and not obey it. I have stopped wanting, looking answers from him like " how could you do this to me if cared and to do it on purpose/intentional. " I have learned that he is incapable of feeling, expressing things like love, guilt , remorse, sorrow, pain, responsibility for their owns actions etc. like normal people. Sociopaths cant and never will. So maybe that is some form of acceptance of something. I did get the "why" he lied over and over about knowing he had been infected with HSV 1 and HSV 2, not telling me and intentionally infecting me. Adding insult to injury, I will never be able to completely move forward,and close that chapter of my life from him. I permanently attached so to speak till the day I die. Believe me, there were moments in the last few months were he pushed me to my breaking edge and end with infecting me, altering me and my life forever. I failed a class in school which puts me graduating a semester later and stop working. The emotional, mental. and physical aspects have taken such a toll. the term I use is "Over-exhausted: just from trying to get a through a day without complete breakdowns,while school and work day in and day out without some sort of "day off". I'm still not able to sleep in my bed since this happened. Despite recently stripping my bedroom of everything that existed in and putting every new. At this time, I cant say what saved me from going over the edge more than once. Maybe that answer will surface as time goes on. I often ask myself why God if so loving would create human of such "evilness" as my ex and what in my life I could have done so wrong, horrible to be soooooooo cursed with him, the disease and the other lifelong chronic conditions caused by the hsv 2. He did took away more just my ability for just everyday normal things like sex, exercise, sitting,etc. by intentionally infecting me. While many others with this can move forward with something resembling normalcy. He took even that from me. So where am I in the healing, dealing, and acceptance journey? Good question. Maybe some of you may have that answer. I know this is long, sorry. I guess I had somethings to share.
  2. Thisisgoingtobeokay, what an amazing story!! It made me tears of joy for you. It adds to the light of hope, and happy endings. I am sooooo happy for u!!!!! Aimee
  3. Judith, I would love the opportunity to chat with you sometimes.
  4. Thanks for all the positive words. They are helpful. I have broke a lot of the unhealthy hold that he has held on me for so long. Thats why when we split up in May 2013, It was permanent unlike in the past; back and forth, back and forth. Its hard to move forward when I have a daily visible reminder of what he has done. It makes me have to face just how physically miserable I am and have been since the 1st day of symptoms;along with emotional and mentally. Just a note , I had my 1 OB sores present for almost 5 weeks. I had good knowledge of the virus before him and since he infected more, I feel like i wrote the book on the virus. Because I have done so much research, that is how with the help of my doctors and my "state of denial" that the determination of the issues are caused by hsv virus and that I that Oct night was when he infected me. Protecting myself and a potiential partner is the easy partner. The hardest part is that it may be difficult if even possible for me to be initmate. Believes me, I have no problem notifying any of his past, present, and future partners of his hsv status. I already have and I will continue until, he dies. I know I can't change what he has done to me and nor can I ever come out of the closet. So its about account ability. Which is the reason he and I are going to court. He is not capable of emotions like sympathy, empathy, remorse, etc like normal people are. His sociopathic and narcisistic personality traits don't allow him. Thats the other part of what makes moving forward seem impossible. If he could feel even an ounce of remorse.
  5. You know i just dont want to cry anymore, be hurt anymore, be mad anymore, and trying to figure out what in my life that U have done so wrong. What kind of all loving God has this as his plan for a good person like me and makes horriblr prople like my ex.? As I lay here in tears, trying to work through all this. All i can think anout is my pos of an ex who debilrately gave my HSV 2 is carrying on with his sex life like nothing has happened and in the same mannor as he did before.Yet here I am. Stripped of a normal life/sexlife, not even sure sex wull ever be an option for me again . Due to the otjer vulva issues caused by HSV 2 in my case. How right is that? Im a good, honest, loving, loyal, faithful person to my family, friends, and to my partner if i have one. My ex is a worthless, abusive, pos who couldnt be faithful to anyone his whole if his life and/or his sons' life depended on it. My life is ruined and he just keeps sexing on!! Every step forward feels like 10 steps back now that the answers, complexity, and the full devastating effect/impact what he has done is known to me and my life. then add to that he knew he had hsv 1 and 2, lied about it, knowingly and purposely exposing and infected me to the list. I dont know how i havent had a heart attack stroke, anxiety attack etc. yet. Everyday i get up go to school, work if i can, put a smile on my face. That smile hides the devastation, distress, and tug of war that exists within me. We all on here have H and all have an H story; the difficulties that come with it... but still feel alone .
  6. I have started this entry over and over again in a months' time frame. I can say I'm closer to acceptance than I have ever been. I have these moments of complete acceptance and moments of complete breakdown. When I'm in acceptance, i come face to face with the truth of how much pain, irritation, redness, swelling vulva, swelling left side groin lymph nodes, the feeling sick, weak, feverish, etc and the 2 tiny sores that were present for almost 5 weeks experienced during my 1st outbreak. Then add to the 3 other vulva issues that appeared right after the 1st OB, during , and some of those issues still present. 2 of those 3 issues cant be treated. Why? because the known treatments reactivate the HVS virus. I know this from medical journals and my own personal experience. Hydrocortisone creams are the only known treatment. So we tried an over-counter hydro. cream with very little in it, and 1 day after application, my 2nd OB occurred. 1 sore in the very same spot. It was/is just as painful as the 1st OB. Which in turn, also aggravated, made the other 3 issues caused by the HSV 2 in my case even worse. I took the antiviral meds to clear up the 2nd OB. It did clear up in 4/5 days, but not the other miserable, discomforting, and distressing issues. So I'm caught in this vicious never-ending cycle. My doctors and I are not sure what do to give me relief and have some sort of a normal life. So how did I get to this point? My State of Denial and my personal journal!!! 2 Emergency room visits, 2 visits to a dermatologist, multiple visits to 2 different OB/GYNs, 2 cultures, biopsy, and several blood drawn for hsv at different times during my 1 OB, after my 1st OB, during 2nd OB and after 2nd OB. and my complete OB/GYN history. All the pieces have been put together and diagnosis are known. If there is ever an upside to being in denial, I guess this would be it. With all the tests, visits etc. it has been medically determined that the HSV 2 virus is the cause of my PIFH, LSC, and 2 episodes of BV acquired only after being infected and that my ex is the 1 who infected me on Oct. 19,2013.. I have 3 medical professionals in agreement of all diagnoses'. If u put all 3 Doctors experience and time together, u would almost 100 years of experience. I haven't been able to visit my counselor lately because of money issues like I was consistently. My ex has been repaying me for some of the medical expenses for all of this etc but not fast enough. Plus I have missed work from all this. Where to go from here? I don't know.
  7. Sorry it didn't go well,, and yes treating tnose can reactivate herpes OB because topical steroids are used. Sometimes topical estrogen too, but have to see how or if topical estrogen would work for me because I have PCOS. My diagnosis is my stress and anxiety...
  8. So then its pretty safe to say that getting herpes likely brought on the post inflammation hypopigmentation and lichen simplex chronious. Their of those existed before the herpes diagnosis. Treating those 2 things can reactivate hsv ob. So screwed thanks to my worthless ex.BTW, u ware gonna have the talk with someonee special to u, how did it go?
  9. Herry, As far the bacterial vaginosis, i dont douche and never douched. no antibotics were taken, not having sex.. i was surprised at the lichen simplex because an ob/gyn said on 1/6/14, lichen sclerosis by exam. I never had the constant and/or persisent "itching" that is common for lichen simplex chronicious. i have been an emotional wreck and still am. anxiety have been an issue for me for the last few years, out of blue. I forgot to mention I had a viral lung infection the week of New years for over a week.
  10. Tests done on 11/21/13: HSV 1 & 2 Igm EIA: 1.40 HSV 1 Igm Abs byIFA: not detected HSV 1 Igg titer: Negative HSV 2 Igm Abs by IFA: not detected HSV 2 Igg titer: Positive Tests done 11/25/13 Test done on 1/06/14 HSV 2 Igg type select: 4.06 HSV 2 Igg type select: 2.3 If u get a culture done on any lesions, is there an optimal time for accurate results and is there time after lesions present for not accurate culture results. Btw, i had more testing to trying to determine the other stange vaginal issues that appear when all this started. Pap smear 1/6/14 Yeast: Negative HVP: negative Bacterial Vaginosis: Positve ... this was negative when cultured on 11/4/13 HSV Culture non typing 11/4/13 Positve. just a note. by the time i saw my doctor for the swap, i had the 2 pimple like bumps for almost 11 days Vaginal Biopsy 1/13/14: PostImflammatory Hypopigmentation melanosis Lichen simplex chronious present withsparse inflitrated lymphotes and hystocites associated with increased pigment in basal keratinocytes. Epidermal hyperplasia and hyperkeatosis present.
  11. I checked, Ohio only has provisions for HIV/AIDS. But that doesn't mean that OhioOhio eventually wont. Many states are adopting laws. There should in every state. It doesn't matter the reason. A person who lnows they a communicable disease should be legally obiglated to tell potiential partners/partners since some disease are incureabl, life altering and can lead to other serious illnesses.
  12. bookworm21, In louisiana, its against the law to ask u for HIV. At which I dont get that. If its a disease that can be passed to each other by contact of any kind it should mandatory testing. Just like its a crime in Louisiana and 36 other states for person to withold their status of a communicable disease;cureable and/or incureable, from potiential partners and/or current partners where or not they infect that person or not. Louisiana in in the top 5 of states for HIV and HSV current cases and new cases every year. I believe California is #1
  13. I thought HVP and Herpes are the most common std in the US and herpes is the one of the highest in newly reported cases each year. Sadly you can test for HVP. You should note that its not routine for HIV in most states. In fact, its the against the to ask you if you want an HIV test in most states. You have to ask for it.
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