Aimee (previously baffled1

Its been 7.5 months since the night that changed me forever. I'm not sure that I'm any closer to acceptance than the night I was robbed of life as I knew it to be. What I can say its' taken this long, and a team of doctors; 7 to be exact and tests to get to the point of having definite answers to what all is wrong and what is caused by what. So I guess there is comfort if you wanted to call it that to have answers. At the same time, it opens ones eyes to devastating and far reaching impact my ex has imposed on my life. There are no words to describe the amount of daily physical discomfort I endure since he infected me. I'm seeing specialist in every condition I have acquired determined to caused by the HSV2. Convectional and known treatments can't be used since they aggrevate and reactivate the HSV 2. After hours with my attorney going over all this, the ex, the nature and its intense complexity of the relationship/non relationship, its like the light bulb goes off, all the pieces of the fall into place, we realized the whole picture. The train to disaster and devastation to me, my life by my ex started the he walked into my life. Because my ex is a sociopath, narissist, passive/aggressive person and I am empathe. You might as just pin a green neon sign target to me. When you had the constant emotional, mental, and some physical abuse, stuck in a never ending cycle. Although its been since May 2013 that we split up, He still comes day/night 24/7 with crazy, physco, cant accept we will never be together. So I take which is the lessor of the 2 evils, respond or not respond; Either way he just goes crazy and my phone lights up nonstop. If he wasn't a civil service, I would deathly fear him. Its that false trust that him being that help bring it to this point, I never believed that he would advantage of the situation as he did. "A desperate man will do and does desperate things." He will be served with the suit soon; hope the restraining order will be in place first. He could go 2 ways; obey the order in every way realizing the depth of legal trouble besides civil he has put himself in or laugh it and not obey it. I have stopped wanting, looking answers from him like " how could you do this to me if cared and to do it on purpose/intentional. " I have learned that he is incapable of feeling, expressing things like love, guilt , remorse, sorrow, pain, responsibility for their owns actions etc. like normal people. Sociopaths cant and never will. So maybe that is some form of acceptance of something. I did get the "why" he lied over and over about knowing he had been infected with HSV 1 and HSV 2, not telling me and intentionally infecting me. Adding insult to injury, I will never be able to completely move forward,and close that chapter of my life from him. I permanently attached so to speak till the day I die. Believe me, there were moments in the last few months were he pushed me to my breaking edge and end with infecting me, altering me and my life forever. I failed a class in school which puts me graduating a semester later and stop working. The emotional, mental. and physical aspects have taken such a toll. the term I use is "Over-exhausted: just from trying to get a through a day without complete breakdowns,while school and work day in and day out without some sort of "day off". I'm still not able to sleep in my bed since this happened. Despite recently stripping my bedroom of everything that existed in and putting every new. At this time, I cant say what saved me from going over the edge more than once. Maybe that answer will surface as time goes on. I often ask myself why God if so loving would create human of such "evilness" as my ex and what in my life I could have done so wrong, horrible to be soooooooo cursed with him, the disease and the other lifelong chronic conditions caused by the hsv 2. He did took away more just my ability for just everyday normal things like sex, exercise, sitting,etc. by intentionally infecting me. While many others with this can move forward with something resembling normalcy. He took even that from me. So where am I in the healing, dealing, and acceptance journey? Good question. Maybe some of you may have that answer. I know this is long, sorry. I guess I had somethings to share.

No doubt you have a gift of humor!

Thisisgoingtobeokay, what an amazing story!! It made me tears of joy for you. It adds to the light of hope, and happy endings. I am sooooo happy for u!!!!! Aimee

Judith, I would love the opportunity to chat with you sometimes.

Thanks for all the positive words. They are helpful. I have broke a lot of the unhealthy hold that he has held on me for so long. Thats why when we split up in May 2013, It was permanent unlike in the past; back and forth, back and forth. Its hard to move forward when I have a daily visible reminder of what he has done. It makes me have to face just how physically miserable I am and have been since the 1st day of symptoms;along with emotional and mentally. Just a note , I had my 1 OB sores present for almost 5 weeks. I had good knowledge of the virus before him and since he infected more, I feel like i wrote the book on the virus. Because I have done so much research, that is how with the help of my doctors and my "state of denial" that the determination of the issues are caused by hsv virus and that I that Oct night was when he infected me. Protecting myself and a potiential partner is the easy partner. The hardest part is that it may be difficult if even possible for me to be initmate. Believes me, I have no problem notifying any of his past, present, and future partners of his hsv status. I already have and I will continue until, he dies. I know I can't change what he has done to me and nor can I ever come out of the closet. So its about account ability. Which is the reason he and I are going to court. He is not capable of emotions like sympathy, empathy, remorse, etc like normal people are. His sociopathic and narcisistic personality traits don't allow him. Thats the other part of what makes moving forward seem impossible. If he could feel even an ounce of remorse.

You know i just dont want to cry anymore, be hurt anymore, be mad anymore, and trying to figure out what in my life that U have done so wrong. What kind of all loving God has this as his plan for a good person like me and makes horriblr prople like my ex.? As I lay here in tears, trying to work through all this. All i can think anout is my pos of an ex who debilrately gave my HSV 2 is carrying on with his sex life like nothing has happened and in the same mannor as he did before.Yet here I am. Stripped of a normal life/sexlife, not even sure sex wull ever be an option for me again . Due to the otjer vulva issues caused by HSV 2 in my case. How right is that? Im a good, honest, loving, loyal, faithful person to my family, friends, and to my partner if i have one. My ex is a worthless, abusive, pos who couldnt be faithful to anyone his whole if his life and/or his sons' life depended on it. My life is ruined and he just keeps sexing on!! Every step forward feels like 10 steps back now that the answers, complexity, and the full devastating effect/impact what he has done is known to me and my life. then add to that he knew he had hsv 1 and 2, lied about it, knowingly and purposely exposing and infected me to the list. I dont know how i havent had a heart attack stroke, anxiety attack etc. yet. Everyday i get up go to school, work if i can, put a smile on my face. That smile hides the devastation, distress, and tug of war that exists within me. We all on here have H and all have an H story; the difficulties that come with it... but still feel alone .

I have started this entry over and over again in a months' time frame. I can say I'm closer to acceptance than I have ever been. I have these moments of complete acceptance and moments of complete breakdown. When I'm in acceptance, i come face to face with the truth of how much pain, irritation, redness, swelling vulva, swelling left side groin lymph nodes, the feeling sick, weak, feverish, etc and the 2 tiny sores that were present for almost 5 weeks experienced during my 1st outbreak. Then add to the 3 other vulva issues that appeared right after the 1st OB, during , and some of those issues still present. 2 of those 3 issues cant be treated. Why? because the known treatments reactivate the HVS virus. I know this from medical journals and my own personal experience. Hydrocortisone creams are the only known treatment. So we tried an over-counter hydro. cream with very little in it, and 1 day after application, my 2nd OB occurred. 1 sore in the very same spot. It was/is just as painful as the 1st OB. Which in turn, also aggravated, made the other 3 issues caused by the HSV 2 in my case even worse. I took the antiviral meds to clear up the 2nd OB. It did clear up in 4/5 days, but not the other miserable, discomforting, and distressing issues. So I'm caught in this vicious never-ending cycle. My doctors and I are not sure what do to give me relief and have some sort of a normal life. So how did I get to this point? My State of Denial and my personal journal!!! 2 Emergency room visits, 2 visits to a dermatologist, multiple visits to 2 different OB/GYNs, 2 cultures, biopsy, and several blood drawn for hsv at different times during my 1 OB, after my 1st OB, during 2nd OB and after 2nd OB. and my complete OB/GYN history. All the pieces have been put together and diagnosis are known. If there is ever an upside to being in denial, I guess this would be it. With all the tests, visits etc. it has been medically determined that the HSV 2 virus is the cause of my PIFH, LSC, and 2 episodes of BV acquired only after being infected and that my ex is the 1 who infected me on Oct. 19,2013.. I have 3 medical professionals in agreement of all diagnoses'. If u put all 3 Doctors experience and time together, u would almost 100 years of experience. I haven't been able to visit my counselor lately because of money issues like I was consistently. My ex has been repaying me for some of the medical expenses for all of this etc but not fast enough. Plus I have missed work from all this. Where to go from here? I don't know.

Vita, So happy for u!! Glad to hear it is going well. :)

Sorry it didn't go well,, and yes treating tnose can reactivate herpes OB because topical steroids are used. Sometimes topical estrogen too, but have to see how or if topical estrogen would work for me because I have PCOS. My diagnosis is my stress and anxiety...

So then its pretty safe to say that getting herpes likely brought on the post inflammation hypopigmentation and lichen simplex chronious. Their of those existed before the herpes diagnosis. Treating those 2 things can reactivate hsv ob. So screwed thanks to my worthless ex.BTW, u ware gonna have the talk with someonee special to u, how did it go?

Herry, As far the bacterial vaginosis, i dont douche and never douched. no antibotics were taken, not having sex.. i was surprised at the lichen simplex because an ob/gyn said on 1/6/14, lichen sclerosis by exam. I never had the constant and/or persisent "itching" that is common for lichen simplex chronicious. i have been an emotional wreck and still am. anxiety have been an issue for me for the last few years, out of blue. I forgot to mention I had a viral lung infection the week of New years for over a week.

Tests done on 11/21/13: HSV 1 & 2 Igm EIA: 1.40 HSV 1 Igm Abs byIFA: not detected HSV 1 Igg titer: Negative HSV 2 Igm Abs by IFA: not detected HSV 2 Igg titer: Positive Tests done 11/25/13 Test done on 1/06/14 HSV 2 Igg type select: 4.06 HSV 2 Igg type select: 2.3 If u get a culture done on any lesions, is there an optimal time for accurate results and is there time after lesions present for not accurate culture results. Btw, i had more testing to trying to determine the other stange vaginal issues that appear when all this started. Pap smear 1/6/14 Yeast: Negative HVP: negative Bacterial Vaginosis: Positve ... this was negative when cultured on 11/4/13 HSV Culture non typing 11/4/13 Positve. just a note. by the time i saw my doctor for the swap, i had the 2 pimple like bumps for almost 11 days Vaginal Biopsy 1/13/14: PostImflammatory Hypopigmentation melanosis Lichen simplex chronious present withsparse inflitrated lymphotes and hystocites associated with increased pigment in basal keratinocytes. Epidermal hyperplasia and hyperkeatosis present.

I checked, Ohio only has provisions for HIV/AIDS. But that doesn't mean that OhioOhio eventually wont. Many states are adopting laws. There should in every state. It doesn't matter the reason. A person who lnows they a communicable disease should be legally obiglated to tell potiential partners/partners since some disease are incureabl, life altering and can lead to other serious illnesses.

bookworm21, In louisiana, its against the law to ask u for HIV. At which I dont get that. If its a disease that can be passed to each other by contact of any kind it should mandatory testing. Just like its a crime in Louisiana and 36 other states for person to withold their status of a communicable disease;cureable and/or incureable, from potiential partners and/or current partners where or not they infect that person or not. Louisiana in in the top 5 of states for HIV and HSV current cases and new cases every year. I believe California is #1

I thought HVP and Herpes are the most common std in the US and herpes is the one of the highest in newly reported cases each year. Sadly you can test for HVP. You should note that its not routine for HIV in most states. In fact, its the against the to ask you if you want an HIV test in most states. You have to ask for it.

Prettylady_92, I have friend I have known for 20yrplus. She got HSV 2 when she was 20 from her 2nd bf. she is now married 15yrs and children. her husband is still H-, They stopped using condoms after they were married. They got just after being together over a year. she says the key for them is knowing her body well. her husband didnt like condomsas well, but she insisted they use them until they got married. then she would be at ease more becuase to her being married gave a sense to security/stability. My thoughts to your story is this. Before you stop using, I would think both of you should be comfortable with not using condoms first. To use condoms or not, is always a struggle when you are with someone you care about. .Im curious because i didnt see it in your ppst, has he been tested for all std's? Both of you need to know his status so you dont put yourself at risk for anything more and he should know his status for himself. I hope i said something that is helpful to you. :) Aimee

Bookworm 21, Thansk for your words of encouragement. I take good care of myself , i dont have a bad diet, exercise when i feel good. in fact, before all things stuff i was running 30 miles a week and worked out 4 to 6 times a week. I cut out alot of sugary things out of my diet but now had add it back since i have been experiencing bouts of severe and deadly hypoglycemia ( nomral levels are 70 to 100. mine would drop to the 30's.) Forgiving him is something i w8ll never be able to do. there are jsut somethings that are unforgiveable. To knowingly expose, and possible infect or not infect and tak away a persons chance of living a normal life is disgraceful. This is one of them. his betrayal is the ultimate.. He is a sociopath, naracissitc, and passive/aggressive person. I just want clear definite answers so i can move forward, put what i can rest, and hope to rebuild whats left of me that he took from me.

Oh yeah, in the last couple months, i have developed verticle ridges on my finger nails. on both my thumbs some of the ridges are deep. this is also a symptom of LP. i have never had rigdes on my fingernails before.

HtH, Omg, I dont know whether to laugh,cry,etc while reading your response. i have blood work; hormones, cbc, metabolic are in normal range. in fact i done so much blood work recently, im surprised i have any blood left... lol I actually dont hate my ex. its sad he is what and who he is. Im definetly angry, and upset over what he did. Putting aside the dispicable thing(s) he has done to me, in a twisted way he has also done some goods things. Granted his motives for doing those nice might not have been right, but he still did some nice things; still does even now. My results on HSV 1 and 2, well that depends on the doctor and intrepretation. understand that nothing about my symptoms from the start tp know really behave like HSV. From the begining which happened to be about 6ish days after my ex decided to have sex with me is when it started. My kitty became extremely red and irritated on both sides, no pain , no icthing.then 2 days later 2 little red bumps on left side; no pain, nothing from bumps. From my understand to get an accurate culture swap the it needs to be with 24 to 72 hrs of the appearance of bumps. becsause of a hiking school field trip, it was almost a week and half after the bumps appear before i got to my ob for swap. a week later he calls me with results and orders blood tests. he says positive for HSV. he was shock because after examing me,he didnt see anything to indicate HSV. I do the blood work, Img and Igg. Img: 1.09 for HSV 2. Igg: + for HSV 2. keep in mind it hasnt quite been a month from the time of sex to when the blood work was done. After he examed, the bumps spread all over my poor kitty by the morning and became more red, more inflamed. Over the last month or so i have been/has still experiencing the redness, irriation, swelling and a discharge. a troubling new sypmtoms; the red bumpds as they hea would turn whitish/grey and mesh together. and parts of my kitty like the vaginal opening and above the clit turned whitish/grey. no itching , no , pain from bumps, some general discomfort. everytime, I have any kind frition etc the redness, irriatation, and sometimes bumps will flare up. only at the very begining of flare up will i have slight burn from urination. so i made an appt. with ob, 2 weeks ago and he says maybe yeast then maybe allgeric reaction. Keep in my i already stop taking any kind meds, supplements, herbals, and soaps new to my body already for a month. i take the meds for yeast, slight improvement but not really. of course i voiced my cocnern that this could be something else. which leads me to new ob, he spend an hr plus listening to me, my history, examines me,and then talks with me. he firmly believes its lichen sclerosis. he visually saw things that led him to believe that.No visual sugn of H type stuff. This ob/gyn has been a doctor for 35yrsplus he if iffy on my hsv bloodwork in part because of how early after having sex, knowing i had tested a solid negative in the summer time. He asked me if i had ever had chicken pox. (im thinking thats odd to ask0 I said yes; 3 times. 1st. very mild, 2nd and 3rd were extreme, hospital stay on 3rd episode. He says ok, your Igm level is a low positive. this test can cross react with chicken pox antibodies if a person has it severe and/or mutliple times. Based on this, i understand why 1 doc said no i dont have hsv 2 and another said exposed but not infected. U should know that my ob got a call from the lab a month after my culture swap and said there is a possibilty that there was an error with my swap culture. When my doc asked what they thought the error was from, the lab wouldnt elaborate. Btw, my ob had never heard of LP and LS; had to look it up which it explains his buffled look after he examined me 2 weeks " maybe yeast, maybe allergic reaction" He recommends a dermatologist. Take my ex out of the picture for a minute, Yes, im frustrated more at the doctors. maybe my ob the most, (although i adore him) for not truly listening to me when i tell them something isnt right, i think they are wrong. Noone knows my body better than me. I have been getting to know my kiity for many, many years.Same as with the pcos and adenmyosis. if your an ob and your patient says, i have untreated pcos, U NEED TO ADDRESS THAT. If at least 1 doc addressed that since my diagnosis in 1998, my life would be different, maybe even had have kids. Yes, there are treatments for LS and LP, no, no cure. Even with treatment , they can reoccur, go away, and/or progressively get worse.Im not a hypocon.. i hate taking meds. going hospitals, docs, etc. Like i said what im experiencing with the pcos, adenmyosis, my kitty issue, andjust getting over a viral lung infection too, are out of control.because my doctors dont listen; too complacent and stuck in routines. Herpes does not do on the genitals what i have and am experiencing. All I want is answers, real answers, plan, treatment, and get back to a normal healthy state. Btw the way, i did take acycloir for a 2 weeks after cutre . It made me feel worse and thats the only time i felt H like symptoms like tingling, feverish, flu like. the minute i stopped acyclvir, those went away

Ok, i have posted that I have different results from different doctors. That is the same and still no clear answer. i have posted the my symptoms were similar somewhat to HSV 2 but didnt/dont look like and behave. 3 months into this still have some sypmtoms. so after more medicines for yeast, etc and another ob/gyn and consulting back with my normal ob, here is where I stand. the new ob believes I have lichen Planus and/or Lichen sclerosis. Conformation is done by a biopsy. i went to new ob for another opinion and i felt like my ob wasnt really listening to after trying everythin he did that this cant be H or just H. My last exam by ob was 2 weeks ago for the continued redness, irritaion, rash, discharge,and skin color changes. he says probably yeast, took meds still have same issues; hence reason for new ob visit. so i call my ob with new ob conclusions. his nurse calls me today with a recommendation for a dermatologist. she mentioned that the doc and even his staff had never heard oflichen Planus or Sclerosis. this adds to my doubts i have in the believe that my H diagnosis from him is accurate. LP and LS are considered auto immune responses. Like I mentioned in an earlier post, there is a medical consenses, studies/documentation that Lichen Planus CAN be caused by Herpes. it is suggested that lichen Sclerosis CAN also be caused by Herpes but no direct evidence for this particalr one. Both LP and LS are no joke!! Ls increase the risk for vuvlar cancers. Both can lead the erosive loss of vulva and the inability to have sex in some cases. there is no cure, just treatment. Treating H can aggrevate LP and LS vice versa. Other things can trigger these like Hep C, HIV, diabetes, possible genetics. None of which I have. although the exact cause of LP and LS are not known, i mentioned is beleived to be the accepted causes There are 6 ways to look at this at this point: 1. if infact i do have H and have LP and LS, this will add to complexicty of my court case.It means I acquiered a further disease because of H, making my ex's liabilty and accountability for purposely ruining my life. Settling wont be easy because of the coarse of Lp and LS over a persons lifetime. Sypmtoms can go away on own, with treatment, and/or get worse to the things i mentioned in last paragraph. 2. I just have H and not the LP and/or LS. plus a mystery on my issues. BTW, new ob saw nothing thatlloked like i was having an H ob. i saw him on monday. 3. I dont have H and just LP and/or LS. which is no fun either. 4. I have none of those things and my misery is just a mystery. 5. Im just EFFING CURSED and in my life have i done so horrible to deserve this. Keep in mind i aslo suffer from PCOS and adenmyosis.

Yeah, I didn't know whether to tell him what an idiot he is or laugh my ass off at his stupidity!!! Hell, I didn't even have to warn him. He will have no effect on my case against my even if he was H+. I was just trying to be nice I'm glad I was able to tell a story that has some humor in it! :)

Dafei, Do you know what you number was on your lab work? I would retest as well if I were you. When it comes to a new relationship, if you are currently dating someone or not, here's my thoughts. What's the rush? Take your time getting to know each well, become best freinds before throwing sex in the mix. Assuming that you are looking for something more real, meaningful, and satisfying. now if your just looking casual sex relations, then disclose. The mean time look into getting a clear definete answer. There Is only 1 test considered to be about 99% accurate; The Western Blot. Do your research, not all doctors order it and very few labs run it. I would recommend an infectious disease.doctor, since this would be part of their specialty.If u are and/or meet someone u want to be intimate with before u have clear answer. Just tell them the truth, tell them your story and that you are working to finding answer. If the woman is a quality, ooen-minded.and understanding person who stays after the "talk", then she a keeper. If she were to leave, then who wants someone which would walk out on you because of H? There links to aid with how to have the "talk" with some.I'm sure someone will alse respond and post ghe links. Weclome! I hope any of thise is helpful to u

Peterk, I think it would raise awareness for HSV research, money, how common it is and the need for HSV testing to be included in a standard STD panel

Its seems like you really like him and vice versa. Why rush into having sex if there is potential for something more meangful and deeper level? Unless of course all the 2 of you want it to have sex then tell him when the chance to tell him comes up, but in person!!! I would say if you think you may want something more than just a casual thing. Take your time getting to know each other more first. No matter when you tell him, if he leaves, its not u he is leaving, and who wants someone who is not open minded? Those are my thoughts. I really hope they are of help to you in someway. Aimee

Sadgirl, I total understand your frustration. when my issue started in Oct. I was never in any pain. Just very red, irritation, swelling, 2 little bumps on my kitty kat, that spread after my doctor visit. I have tried most of the same things for have plus, aloe vera, Camu Camu. The meds made me feel like death warmed over me and had no effect. I had a yeast and bacterial culture at that time come back negative. So a week before Xmas, i finally get into doctor, same problem but. Parts of my kitty were bright red and vaginal opening & just about the clit were/are white, swollen. My ob/gyn says probably yeast gives me more meds that are not helping and saw nothing "herpes like" that time and I'm hypersensitive.. He also said maybe I was having an allergic reaction to something causing the rash like bumps. So I stopped all supplements, herbs, etc. Has that and/or meds for yeast helping? No. I am also severe hypoglemic, insulin resistant ant due to PCOS, I learned i was both of those things only a month ago. There is documentation that, that those 2 things aggravate and make managing herpes difficult. BTW, I had my thyroid tested and ultra sound too but is normal. ( hyperglycemia can do the same thing). I firmly believe my problem is lichen planus or lichen sclerosis. i felt that when I left my doctors office and now. There has been some thought/suggestion the Herpes can trigger the lichen conditions. No studies to back that yet. Most cases in women who have those conditions also have herpes and they didnt have the symptoms of those condtions before contracting herpes. Btw, if you have insurance and/or getting insurance on health marketplace, doctor refferals arent necessary. If insurance makes it a must, it cant after the 1st because of Obama Care laws. If you ddon't have insurance, Pm me and I will tell the one I got from market place that is very good with a very low premium. I would suggest an infectious disease doctor . I am going to see an infectious disease and an womens clinic that only deals with vaginal related issues. I'm sorry I'm rambling again. That's the long answer to yes, there are other medical conditions that can aggravate herpes. I hopenyou find some answers and relief soon. Aimee