Kristin (breatheandletgo)

Thanks Judith...same to you. :)

Carlyyy, I have been waiting to post to you and just not had the courage. I know I need to share something with you, and I thought about doing it in a private message, but you were so brave...I wanted to be brave too. I was molested repeatedly by a step-brother when I was 9. (step-brother was 17) I told my Dad, but nothing was ever done about it. It was all just kind of shoved under the rug. My Dad eventually divorced his mother and it stopped, so I tried to forget. I tried. Fast forward to me in college...I had sex for the first time with my college boyfriend and all of a sudden I was back there. I couldn't run anymore. I started having anxiety attacks and struggled with suicidal thoughts. And my sleep was filled with nightmares and eventually I started sleep-walking. A low point was when my sister woke up and found I had sleep-walked out the front door in the middle of the night in nothing but a t-shirt...it was January and there was snow on the ground. I ended up in the ER with hypothermia and mild frostbite. The ER doctor was kind to me and asked me if I had ever been sexually abused. No one had ever asked me that. I still don't know how he knew, but he encouraged me to seek help and I did. I was 18 when I started seeing a therapist on campus and he referred me to http://www.rainn.org/ I attended a support group for sexual abuse survivors for all four years of college, and I saw my counselor for that time, too. I can say without a doubt I am healed, I've forgiven and made peace with what happened to me. I am 42 years old and it is something that is a part of my story, but in no way does it define me or even cross my mind that often. It hadn't crossed my mind in years until I read your story. I could feel your pain and I want you to know it doesn't have to be like that. You can heal. You just have to want it. I also hear you blaming yourself for what happened. Do you know how common that is? I blamed myself, too. You may think that's crazy because I was only 9 when it started, but I had a huge crush on my step-brother. I loved being around him. I didn't get a lot of attention from my mom or dad, but he paid a lot of attention to me. He told me I was smart and funny, that I was beautiful. I wanted to hear those things so badly. I wanted to be held and touched. There was a huge part of me that craved his attention any way I could get it. I grieved when my Dad and his Mom separated because I missed him. And for years I hated myself for that. I hated myself for wanting what I knew was hurting me. Carlyy, you can heal. You can be whole. Please do not think time will make this better. You have been through a trauma, and you can't do this on your own. I will PM you, but I am posting this here because you so bravely posted your story. Your doing that is the first step in releasing the shame that is holding you hostage. I'm sending you lots of love... Kristin aka breatheandletgo

Hi Bee! Welcome to our tribe. :) What a beautiful story of disclosure. I got teary reading it. You were so brave! And look what happened?! I am so psyched for you. I am 42 and have only had herpes a year, but I wanted you to know your story really inspired me. much love, Kristin aka breatheandletgo

I loved listening to these interviews!!!! From a college student to a man who has had herpes for 19 years...complete transformation. What a beautiful picture of what is possible when we allow ourselves to be broken open. Giving ourselves the chance to learn what is inside of us is more beautiful than we imagined! It's not the dark and twisty shame and hurt we have carried on our backs. We can set it down and be free to run. I cannot wait to come in January. Cannot wait to be a part of this group. This is my Christmas present to myself. Who's with me? B-)

Love you too, girl! When my daughter (who is almost 17) is feeling down on herself I give her some lovin' and then say, okay...head up, tits out, go get 'em. So...that's your assignment today. :D

Yes, it is possible. The ones on the parts of your girly bits that stay moist won't crust over. (no such thing as TMI here, derpes) Here is a trick I learned when I had my babies and things were rather sore-ish down there. Pour warm water over your cooch after you pee, or during if it stings. Urine is sterile, so its not dirty, but depending on what you may have eaten, etc it can sting when you pee. So...try the warm water trick if it is sore. It will stop any stinging and is very soothing. You are gonna get better. I know it feels slow. Sending you big hugs, honey. Kristin

I'm so sorry Domo. I completely understand how you feel. ((((you))) I am proud of you for deleting his number. That is so bad ass of you! Seriously. You are going to be somebody's dream girl..you hear me? You just don't know him yet, but trust me...somebody is gonna be thanking his lucky stars this guy walked away. In the meantime...I think we need to laugh.

Not Alone, What a great list. :) And I love you too. :x Sending you healing thoughts. P.S. Yay for comfy pants!

Have you guys tried Epsom Salts baths? They helped me so much. Put 2 cups in your bath and just soak. It dries up the blisters. Also go commando as much as possible. I realize you can't do that at work, but when you get home, even if you put on loose pj bottoms with nothing else it is good to let it all air out and stay dry. Hugs to both of you. I know how you feel. Not Alone...I am so sorry you are feeling the weight today. I really understand that. Sometimes herpes gets pretty real...but these feelings will pass. You will move forward and you will dream new dreams. What can you be grateful for today? I know that may be annoying to hear and I apologize, but I care about you, so I'm giving it to you straight. What you allow yourself to dwell on becomes bigger. Your thoughts actually create your feelings. So write down three things you are grateful for today. Some days I just write them on my hand. And when you have the "oh fuck I have herpes" moments, look at your hand and read them out loud. I am grateful for ________________ Today I am struggling with something too. Something I wanted to happen that isn't going to happen and I am sad. I am disappointed and I am pissed off a little to be honest....so I am going to do this with you. My grateful list for today: coffee. (I needed it today) my friends. (they rock) laughter (I love to laugh, and make others laugh too) Sending you love, Not Alone...and healing thoughts. Kristin

Domo, Forget your past mistakes. Forgive yourself. You live and learn and do better when you know better. I hear so much shame in your words and it breaks my heart. I want you to know you are loved and forgiven. You are learning and growing. I don't have any tattoos, but I have always said if I decide to do it, and you never know with me...that my tattoo will be this Japanese proverb for resilience. Sending you the biggest hug, Domo. Stand up and start again. We're all here cheering you on. xo Kristin

(((Not alone))) When I was first diagnosed I was going through so much. My life was a crazy mess personally and my H episodes were non-stop. Like you I was emotionally and physically exhausted. I became depressed and discouraged because I was so uncomfortable all the time. I couldn't practice yoga or do the things that made me feel like "me" because I was constantly nursing myself and trying to recover enough to do the things that would ease my stress and strengthen my body. I went to my doctor and he did put me on suppressive therapy full time and it made a huge difference, not only did I stop having episodes, but I was able to do get back to doing the things that reduced my stress and anxiety and helped me feel like myself again. I think your instincts are right. Go see the doctor and take care of you. much love, Kristin aka breatheandletgo

You aren't a downer, sweetheart. You're just scared. I hear every single one of your questions and they are all so close to your heart. I want to answer all of them for you and tell you exactly how it should go, etc. But I would be lying to you if I said I knew the answers. All I can tell you is what I would do. And what I would do is fight like hell to stay in the moment with him. Be a student of him and of how you feel in his presence. Does he make you feel safe? How does he treat his friends and family? Is he kind and forgiving or critical and judgemental? What does your gut tell you about the kind of man he is and what do you observe? I believe you hold the answers to your questions and it's the shame talking that is making you doubt yourself. You know when a man is worth your time. You may have slept with him before you figured it out for sure before herpes, but you still know. Trust your intuition. If you don't feel safe disclosing to him when you feel the relationship is at a turning point, then don't. You can drive yourself crazy trying to think of all of the scenarios you might bump up against, but you don't know. Enjoy laying next to him and swapping stories. Look into his eyes. Let him see the real you. Enjoy kissing him. Remind yourself to stay present as you enjoy all of those things. Be there. 100% there. If you do that, you will find your way to the answers. I promise. When you have looked into his eyes enough, you will know. Your intuition will tell you. Until then, journal about your times together and take time to be grateful for these moments that challenge and terrify you. All of these feelings mean you are growing! No matter what happens you will be better and stronger as a result. That is an absolute known here if you stay with yourself and trust yourself. When you have those thoughts about him rejecting you or worse, challenge them. When your shame tells you 'he will feel tricked if I don't tell him now.' Tell your shame 'who says?'. Because the truth is you don't know what will happen. Each day is a gift to be discovered. That is the real 'opportunity' hidden within herpes. We can either give up and take ourselves out of the game because we feel we have lost something or we can allow it to make us more fully alive, fully present. It IS a battle, and herpes sucks...I am not denying that...but the sense of control we are mourning was an illusion. We never had it all nailed down anyway. Rejection is a part of life. People love and part ways for enumerable reasons. Love is risky...but that is one of the things that makes it worth fighting for, worth having. Choose to respond to your fears with gratitude. Feeling the fear just means you are alive. You are in the game, have a horse in the race or whatever metaphor you can think of...you're living! Feel it and trust yourself. That's what I would do...and that's the best I got, love. Xo Kristin

Harlow, I would be feeling all of the same things you are feeling. I hope I didn't make you feel that I wouldn't. I would. Here's the thing, though: it's worth feeling the fear and taking a shot. And you aren't tricking him. You're giving him a chance to get to know you. You probably haven't let him see your bank statement or shared lots of other private information with him yet. You are going slow. He agreed to that. And when you are ready to have sex, you will both have private things to share. Shame is so hard to wrestle down. It is something we all have to work at overcoming. We do it by surrounding ourselves with loving people who affirm our best qualities and accept us as we are. And we do it by standing up to it and not letting it rule us. You will know when you have let him in far enough that you are ready to fully open your heart to him. You will keep wrestling that shame and doing brave things. Enjoy the moments you are sharing with him, and when you are apart, nurture yourself like crazy. Feed your soul and mind with positive and affirming messages. Monitor your thoughts. Simply don't allow yourself to dwell on lies or any thought that doesn't serve your greater good. If you do that, when the time comes to disclose you will be ready and we will all be here with you. much love, Kristin aka breatheandletgo

Oh my gosh NS...that is so awesome! I am psyched that you shared with your co-workers and gave them the information they needed to support you. And it sounds like they will, which is great. You not only advocated for yourself, but you helped everyone else here by being so open. I am so glad you are feeling stronger and finding your groove again. Big hugs to you friend! Kristin aka breatheandletgo

P.S. I am not trying to make him a "bad" guy as much as I am saying he could have been a better friend to you in such a vulnerable moment. Sometimes we accept less from our potential intimate partners than we would accept from a good friend. My intention is to reflect back to you what I see...a guy who in my book wasn't a great friend to you in what was a very vulnerable and honest moment. And to encourage you to ask yourself if that is the response you would expect your man to offer...the man worthy of everything wonderful that is you. Xo Breathe

Domo, I am so sorry. I know you must be hurting. ((((You)))) I am also sorry for the way he walked out on you. Whether he wanted to take on the risk of herpes or not is irrelevant to me. His reaction lacked empathy, compassion and basic kindness toward you. I am glad he at least thanked you for your honesty. (Edited to add that because I originally missed he'd even said that much) I don't judge his choice to move on, but if I were in your shoes I would feel like I dodged a bullet. Relationships are always fun and flirty in the beginning, but sustaining them takes work and the ability to connect on a deeper level. Giving your body to someone is a deeply intimate act, and I wouldn't be interested in offering myself to someone who showed me so little human kindness. He may have baggage you don't know about that triggered his reaction, but he showed you something important about himself in that moment. And notice I said he showed you something about HIM. His reaction was about him, not you. There could be a number of reasons you may never know as to why he responded the way he did....but none of them say anything about you. Take some time to be sad. Journal your feelings and thoughts or write them here. How did his reaction make you feel? What are you saying to yourself about it? Write down all of the good things about you he will miss out on. Use his own words, things he told you he liked about you, as well as things he didn't even know yet. You showed such courage, compassion and respect toward him, Domo. You were incredibly brave and kind. Ask yourself if his response of walking out without a word is the response you deserved in light of that. I am going to tell you what I think. Fuck NO!!! :D He may think it over and be back, but guard yor heart. He thought only of himself in that moment and left you alone and vulnerable, having just shared something deeply personal. For me, that would be a deal breaker no matter what. Sending you warm hugs and lots of love. Love yourself. Keep your head up. Kristin Aka breatheandletgo

I knew it! I am so happy for you, VG. You gave him a chance to love all the things about you that AREN'T herpes, so it was much easier for him to accept this one. small. thing. So very happy for you...you have been on my mind throughout the weekend. ;) Kristin

Harlow, How did your date go? One thing I thought about reading your post was...you don't know everything about Mr. Everything Going For Him. That's why you are dating. :D Dating someone is how you get to know them, and how they get to know you. All you know of Mr. EGFH are data points and first impressions. And YOU are more than your pesky skin condition...I just know it. I am guessing you have a lot of other amazing qualities Mr. EGFH would like to know about, otherwise he wouldn't be asking you out! I can be the queen of awful-izing...so, believe me, I got no stone to throw...I just wanted to help you with a little perspective. You do not have a deep dark secret that makes you unlovable. You have a skin condition. It's annoying, but there are things you can do to take care of your sexual partners and keep them as safe as possible. And even if Mr. EGFH isn't willing to work with this challenge in light of all of your other amazing qualities, that doesn't mean you aren't worth loving. And it doesn't mean he's not wonderful, it just means he isn't the one for you. But dating is the only way to find this out. Keep your focus on what you need in a partner and whether he is right for you. Don't give away your power to herpes and decide you'd be lucky to have a guy like him. You don't know his sexual history, health status or anything more than what you can see from his LinkedIn profile. Take your time and discover whether he is worthy of knowing you on a deeper level. I think we can lessen the fear of future disclosures by taking the time to discover our own true worth. There is nothing sexier than someone who is comfortable in his or her own skin. Focus more on your strengths as a partner, lover and friend as you enter into new relationships rather than what you perceive as your challenges. It's funny when you think about it...can you imagine going on a date and leading with the things about you that aren't so loveable? (we ALL have them) My date would go like this... Hot guy: So breathe, tell me about yourself. Me: Well, hot guy...I'm going to give it to you straight...I leave the lids off everything. This seems to drive people nuts, and I've tried to change, but I just can't seem to do it! And hmmm...let's see...I can be a bit of a perfectionist. I'm mostly really hard on myself, but that can be a real buzz kill if you're looking to have fun and I've just screwed something up that is really important to me. Oh, and I'm not really a morning person. I have tried to be, but I can be an insomniac when I'm working on something, so if you ever see me before 8am, approach me quietly with coffee. See what I mean? All of those things are kinda sorta true about me (shhh, don't tell) ;) but they don't even begin to tell you the ABCs of me, baby! I am so much more than those things and so are you. And honestly, the people who really love me would probably have a hard time thinking of those things, though they rolled right off the top of my head. The people who love me would say I am a whole lot of other amazing things. I'm guessing the people who love you would too. Give Mr. EGFH the chance to discover all there is to love about you before you start worrying what he might not be able to love. Big Hugs, Kristin aka breatheandletgo

Right back atcha, derpes. ;)

And here's the info from the CDC... http://www.cdc.gov/std/herpes/stdfact-herpes.htm

Hey friends, I have read a lot about transmission of HSV-2 in particular. Adrial is correct. There is absolutely zero evidence that HSV-2 can be transmitted by towels, toilet seats, saunas, hot tubs, etc. HSV-2 needs heat and friction to be transmitted, hence the term, sexually transmitted disease. You can search WebMD, the CDC and other places to confirm this finding. HSV-1 is a little different. It lives a little bit longer away from the carrier, that is why oral herpes is so common. Kissing is one way you can contract oral herpes. (Again, heat and friction) As well as oral to genital contact... The herpes virus simply doesn't survive away from the carrier. It's really important for us to be educated about transmission. I don't mean to sound harsh, and please know I am saying this with lots of love, but I am passionate about this issue because misinformation hurts you and me and everyone in this community in the long run. It makes disclosure more difficult. It makes herpes scarier than it needs to be. There is so much misinformation about herpes out there. Those of us who carry the virus have a responsibility to ourselves and to one another to become educated so we are able to educate others and put herpes in its proper place...with other non-scary skin conditions. Here is a good link to read on Web MD http://www.herpes-coldsores.com/herpes_prevention_tips.htm#herpes_facts And this is a great booklet with facts about transmission of both types of herpes: http://bit.ly/YnHwLN Much love, Kristin aka breatheandletgo

Hi derpes, Sending you a warm hug. Sorry you are here, but glad you found us. :) I'm going to link you to a booklet that I wish every doctor gave out, but sadly most are terribly inept at delivering this diagnosis with any compassion. I am sorry that was the case for you. It was for me as well, and it hurt as much as my girly bits did if not more. All of us here are hoping to do something to change that, but in the mean time, I am REALLY glad you found us and want you to know you are in the right place. Here's the link to the booklet: http://bit.ly/YnHwLN It will take you right to the pdf download and it explains both types of H, tests to diagnose, etc. Almost every question you are probably asking right now can be answered in there, questions your doctor should have taken the time to answer for you. Please feel free to post any other questions you have as well as your feelings and other concerns. We are here for you. ((((derpes)))) I am so sorry you are having so much discomfort. One thing that helps when I am having an outbreak are Epsom Salts baths. They dry out the blisters and help you get to the crusting over stage you are talking about. You can get Epsom Salts at Wal-Mart, Target or any drug store. They are cheap and very comforting and effective. Also, go commando as much as possible right now. When you sleep, or at home just hanging out, etc. That will help your healing by keeping things dry and aired out. :D Again, keep posting and welcome. Kristin aka breatheandletgo

Hi Judith! :) The questions you are asking are legitimate, but very hard for most people to answer. Some people have noticeable sensations before they have an outbreak, and some don't. Some people may not be given the opportunity to know whether they spread it to someone else because Herpes can lie dormant in the body for a long time and they may have had multiple partners by the time they experience their first outbreak. I have a good friend who has been married to her husband who has HSV-2 genitally and they don't use condoms. He is on suppressive therapy and rarely has an outbreak. They avoid sex during outbreaks and they have been married for 9 years and she hasn't tested positive. I am sure there are similar stories. And I'm sure there are just as many where the spouse contracted HSV-2... I am linking you to a really great resource for information on transmission: http://www.westoverheights.com/herpes.htm And here is a downloadable booklet produced by this clinic that has a lot of great information about diagnosis, transmission, etc. and it is kept up to date. http://westoverheights.com/handbook.html Hope that helps... Kristin

Hi Lelani! (Sister, I owe you a big ole' email.) I didn't mention it in my post before, but the poem you shared has been folded up in a book of my favorite poems since college. My aunt gave it to me back then when I thought no one would ever love me because I wasn't perfect. It has been a year since I was diagnosed this week, and I've been looking over my old journal entries and reflecting on my journey this past year. Poems and quotes are woven in between my words. I was so broken. (I can even see the teardrops on the pages) In one entry I wrote passages of another poem I have loved since college. It's by Rudyard Kipling... If If you can keep your head when all about you Are losing theirs and blaming it on you; If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you, But make allowance for their doubting too: If you can wait and not be tired by waiting, Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies, Or being hated don't give way to hating, And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise; If you can dream---and not make dreams your master; If you can think---and not make thoughts your aim, If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster And treat those two impostors just the same:. If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools, Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken, And stoop and build'em up with worn-out tools; If you can make one heap of all your winnings And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss, And lose, and start again at your beginnings, And never breathe a word about your loss: If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew To serve your turn long after they are gone, And so hold on when there is nothing in you Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!" If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue, Or walk with Kings---nor lose the common touch, If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you, If all men count with you, but none too much: If you can fill the unforgiving minute With sixty seconds' worth of distance run, Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it, And---which is more---you'll be a Man, my son! Of course, I think it applies to being a woman as well.... (girl power...raised fist) :) Love you all very much, Kristin

You're going to be fine, no doubt. ;) Having those conversations before you have sex keeps you safer as well. Love yourself first. Kristin