Kristin (breatheandletgo)

Hi Jacqueline, I'm so sorry you are in pain. I know how it feels. Not that it is much consolation, but the first outbreak is usually the worst. A warm bath with Epsom salts can help. Your meds will help soon, this is only your first day. you can also take a supplement called L-lysine that will give your body a boost. You will read that advice in lots of threads here and I use it as well. I missed two days of work with my first outbreak. I had swollen lymph glands everywhere, I felt flu-ish with the chills, not to mention the blisters, and it was not fun. It will get a little better every day. Your body is working hard to fight the virus, so get plenty of rest, good nutrition and fluids. If you can't miss work, absolutely rest when you get home. And if the pain isn't something you can manage with over the counter pain reliever, call your doctor. So many people are surprised by the severity if this first outbreak, but I promise, it will get better. If you are super stressed, it will slow down your healing time for sure, so try to do what my username says. :) You're gonna be okay, my friend. Sending you a big hug. ((((Jacqueline))) Kristin Aka breatheandletgo

TheFoundOne, Looks like you've been re-named! In many spiritual traditions, a new name is given when someone discovers who they were born to be and consciously changes their life in that direction. This practice is common in Islam, Buddhism and also in Protestant faiths...like in the bible when Saul was on the road of Damascus and became Paul. His new name represented new insight into his own worth and purpose. Sound familiar? This concept is everywhere though more examples are escaping me at the moment, but even a caterpillar becomes a butterfly, right? So, TheFoundOne...you have a new name. New insight into yourself. You are not lost. (though you may feel that way from time to time like we all do) You are important and you were created with a purpose in mind. Herpes doesn't have power over this purpose and herpes cannot name you! How cool is that? I think you've found your herpes opportunity, girlie! Kristin aka breathe

Tell us your story Cesar...I'd love to hear it too! And I think you are a really brave person for posting here. There are many people who wouldn't have the courage to reach out. You're kind of a badass. ;) Looking forward to hearing more of your story, friend. Kristin Aka breatheandletgo

I wish I could come, too Carlos! You know your way through this...just wanted you to know I read your post and closed my eyes and imagined you standing face to face with the one your heart has longed for...I imagined you peaceful and grateful for all you've survived...everything you'd experienced that brought you there. You were smiling, like you always are in your photos. And there was another equally handsome face smiling back at you, looking at you with love. I am believing that for you. And in the meantime...I believe in love....and I've got something to say about it...and it goes a little somethin' like this.... LOL...wish We could all come see your play and then go tear it up on the dance floor. Leilani would show us all up, but if there's enough tequila no one will notice! (((Carlos)))

Sweetheart, you are more than welcome. You are found and you are LOVED! I hope you do change your name...that would be a great first step in loving yourself...whether you feel it or not. And YAY for peeing!!! OMG I remember how that feels. Bless your heart. ((((FoundOne))) Two things I live by when I am facing hard times...1. Sometimes you have to act 'as if' meaning...intentionally change your behavior...act in new ways and you will eventually find yourself feeling new. I thought this was really silly when someone suggested it to me...it reminded me of what I say to my kids sometimes when I'm taking them to meet someone new...as in Guys, will you try to at least ACT normal!!??....but it totally works! And 2. When you are overwhelmed, you are likely thinking too far ahead. So when I don't know what I'm going to do and I start thinking myself into a black hole, I bring myself back to the present by saying...OK, breathe...be here now. And then I decide what the next right thing is for me to do, and I do that. Sometimes it's taking a nap. Sometimes it's going for a walk or a ride on my bike or a hot bath. Sometimes it's forcing myself just to keep my mind on my work...5 minutes at a time if I have to...whatever it is...if you add up enough if the next right things you will grow stronger. If you knew my whole story, how I grew up and things I've been through, you'd know I'm telling you from a place of knowing. I've been in real pain more than a time or two...from no fault of my own, and from my own foolishness and it hurts just the same. So give up the emotional cutting (I fucked up) and devote the same energy you have spent kicking yourself to loving yourself. Sometimes we have to give ourselves what we need most. You didn't fuck up. You had sex. People do it every day because we are humans who need touch and closeness and connection. And on top of that, it feels damn good. You had sex...that's all. And all that makes you is human. What you do from here? Ahhh...that has the potential to make you extraordinary. And I have a feeling that's just what you are, baby. Xxoo, Breathe P.S. Leilani IS awesome, isn't she? Another P.S. typing on my phone so forgive me if this is a jumbled mess!! Xo

LostOne... (we need a name change, my love...you are found!) My first outbreak was awful and I felt like I was dying. For reals. And keep in mind that I delivered a 10 lb baby with no epidural, so I'm kind of a badass. ;) It WILL get better. Keep taking your anti-virals and read around this site. Good nutrition, plenty of rest, exercise, etc. will reduce the frequency and severity of your outbreaks. That has been key for me, and I am going through a divorce, so I've got some stress! Just keep in mind, everyone has a different experience with this virus, though there are similarities, and you will learn to read your own body signals and act accordingly over time. Pay attention to how you feel and do what you need to do to take care of yourself. I am a firm believer in healing from the inside out as well. For me that means taking the time to notice my internal dialogue, or the words I say to myself, and working on replacing negative, self-defeating thoughts with life-giving ones. When I find myself getting down about the Herp, I take time to recognize what I have been thinking and saying to myself about life in general. Right after I was diagnosed I remember being in the grocery store acting perfectly normal, but inside my head I was saying I have herpes! OMG...I actually have herpes! Who is ever going to want me? How am I ever going to accept this? What the hell has happened to my life?! And I would cry in the car on the way home. I practice yoga, and at the end of class we rest in a pose called savasana, and for weeks I would lay there, fighting back the anxiety, thinking about all Herpes was going to take from me with tears dripping into my ears. I felt so alone. But one day in class something my teacher said made me decide I needed to work at replacing the self-defeating thoughts with something new. I didn't have a lot of confidence I was going to be okay, but that's what I started to tell myself. I have herpes, but I am going to be okay. That's it. Nothing very profound, but I found myself feeling better about things. I started getting educated about Herpes and what others have done to deal with the emotional fallout. A few weeks later I found this site and I have grown in my acceptance. (I was diagnosed December 7th last year) I still have down days and I worry about falling in love with someone who might reject me, but I am working on it. Most all of us are, so you are among friends. In re: to urinary retention... I have not had it with Herpes, but my heart goes out to you there, sweetheart. I had it after I had sinus surgery. I was told it was a reaction to the anesthetic, but I've had other surgery without issues, so who knows. All I know is, I was supposed to be leaving as an outpatient, and four days later I was still there. They were giving me IV fluids and I was dying to go but couldn't. The first time they straight catheterized me. (not fun, but of course you don't care because NOT going hurts too!) They did the straight cath THREE more times before they finally put a real catheter in, and then I had a bladder infection. So sister, I feel your pee-ain! I read your post and thought oh, man...I remember how that feels. I wonder why I didn't end up having it with my first outbreak, but like I said...everyone is different. Anyway, stick around FoundOne. You're gonna be okay. It does get easier. breathe

Leilani, my sister friend and fellow Virgo! Happiest Birthday wishes to you, love! You truly are the angel of the H Opp boards, always comforting frightened newbies, always coming alongside to help each person here find hope with such grace...all from the richness of your compassionate heart. You embody what it means to be fully human, fully alive. Thank you for giving me someone to aspire to be. You are a treasure. Maya Angelou says people won't remember you for what you do, but how you make them feel. Know that today I am thinking of how you made me feel when I first came here, and I'm whispering a prayer of gratitude and blessing for you, L. May this year be your best ever! Much love, Kristin P.S. I got teary writing this, and reading what Adrial wrote. I hope you are able to take it all in and let it fill you to overflowing. You deserve it. Xo

Hey Adrial, Dude...I SO owe you an email. Forgive ME. Honestly, I am completely overwhelmed right now. I've been traveling with my new job and have been going through some really tough personal stuff. BUT...I had to take a minute to stop in and tell you how much you inspire me. (and then there's that big crush you know I have on you) :-* Oh, and I also had to bring the truth on your fear of being 'the herpes guy'? A man who does what you have done for so many others is not a man who plays it small, and 'herpes guy' is waaaaayyy too small of a label for your big, big life. Just keep doing you! And while you do, the shame, the fears, the worry...none of it will be able to hold on to you while you're blasting through stereotypes and lies at mach 10 with a big grin on your face. The truth will set you free. Your badass email today reminded me of this quote I love from Victor Hugo. 'No army can withstand the strength of an idea whose time has come.' You are the man with the idea whose time has come. Let the haters hate...you just keep leading others into the light. I am so honored to be the tiniest part of your world, A. Truly. Kristin aka breatheandletgo

Wow. Just...wow, KittyBird. [that's my special pet name for you... ;)] Thank you so much for opening your heart and life in such a vulnerable way. Your story is so powerful and your words have left an indelible mark on my heart. Truly. Because of your willingness to share, I have been blessed with an even greater desire to know and understand my own worth. You can't give someone anything more valuable, in my opinion, so thank you. much love, breathe

I would love to come too...starting a new job so its unlikely tho. I will miss you guys. breathe

Lelani, You don't have to do anything about anything right now today except just ride it out. This to shall pass. You are just having a down day, doll baby. It can be hard to feel like you are outside looking in on life and I so know how that feels. If I were with you I would give you a big squeeze and make us a margarita. :) You are beautiful and strong and smart and the right man will see the herpes just like A's logo...small h in parentheses...not a big deal. Is there a guy you are into that you are worrying about disclosing to? Or is it just the idea of having to go there again? A couple of things I am telling myself right now and working on are the following [so werk it with me, gurl]: We have today. Tomorrow isn't promised, so don't waste a minute of it worrying about what may never come. Put your dancing shoes on girl, and I know you have them, and dance today while you can. Take a couple of deep breaths and say thank you for this day. It's all we have. Make a list of things to look forward to, and if you can't think of anything to put on it, get busy getting something. Even if it's a mani-pedi, or getting your girlfriends together for dinner, or a short trip somewhere, a new hobby you want to try...whatever...get busy planning and looking forward and living your life. No waiting. Instead of focusing on how you will disclose when a great guy comes along and how scary that will be, make a list of what he...the right man...will look like. And I don't mean his abs, though if you are into that, ok...but I mean who he will be on the inside. Will he be kind? Will he have a good sense of humor? Will he be smart? What do YOU want and deserve in a partner? Does that include an ability to transcend a tiny pain in the ass virus? For me, it does. If not...peace out. I would understand, but I would know that was not my guy. Lelani, you are so wise, and you have been through so much. You will find love if that is something you want again. But you will come to that from a place of strength. Today is just a rough day. Be good to yourself, nurture yourself and know you are supported in this journey and will have what you need when you need it! much love, breathe

Carlos, I'm so happy for you. I'm 41 and I'm right there with you. For the first time, I feel like I'm getting to the good stuff inside me. I've worn myself trying to get the love I've needed to give myself. I don't know how to love myself very well yet. It's a struggle for me and tonight I'm having a hard time. Your post made me cry. I miss all the ways I used to be able to numb this ache. When my kids were little I could pull them into my lap and snuggle them up and read stories to them and feel their bodies grow heavy with sleep. I have to corner them to get a hug these days (they are teenagers) and if not for those hugs I wouldn't be touched very often. It's lonely. But I don't want casual. I want love. And I know I need to love myself first. Or get a little better at it at least. It sounds like you are learning who you are is worth loving. Worth fighting for...and you're right. Stay strong. I saw this art piece earlier this week that had the word hope as an acronym. H(old) O(n) P(ain) E(nds). I like that. -breathe P.s. don't google self-love. Lol

Life can be sexy with herpes and without a significant man - you have to learn how to be sexy within yourself and treat yourself sexy. Thanks for that, Lelani. I have gone on a couple of dates since the Giver. [the last time I saw him was on Halloween of 2011 and I am tired of living like a nun] One guy in particular I really liked, he also had HSV-1. We met through an online support forum for herpes. [not here] He pursued me...came on strong in the beginning, but after a couple of dates (that were a ton of fun...we went to dinner and dancing, etc.) he blew me off. I just stopped hearing from him. I don't know when I have ever been the one to call a guy first, but I was curious as to what the hell happened. It had been 2 weeks since I'd heard from him this weekend, so I decided to call. I was confused. He brought me roses on our last date for pete's sake! So I called and said... Hi...I get since you haven't called me that you aren't into me, and that's completely okay. I am not angry or anything, but what the hell happened? Turns out he decided he wasn't ready for a relationship. He was kind of harsh, making his point a little too loudly. He kept saying we are looking for different things, blah blah, but I never told him what I was looking for! I wanted to say Dude, I just planned to use you for sex, but whatever! Sucks to be you! Peace out. I still can't figure it out. He was all over me. We made out on his couch like teenagers and it was hoooottt! But now I feel like a total loser. My confidence is at an all-time low. Let's be real here: I have been out of the game for so long I don't have a clue about the rules anymore. I'm not wise to the ways of dating in 2012, let alone dating in 2012 with HERPES. The last time I was dating anyone *NSYNC was the hot new boy band and Seinfeld was still on Thursday nights on NBC. I know I'm not 80, but when it comes to dating, I am a total newbie. I got no game, people. I'm not shy, but I am more traditional. I wouldn't ask a guy out...I don't think. Unless I'd had a few too many, but that's a problem because I'm not a big drinker. I am approachable, and have friends of both sexes, so I don't think I'm weird with men. I asked my friend Brandon what he thought happened and he said I probably scared him. And I said, HOW?!! And he said, "with your hotness." So sweet...and very typical of my buddy, B...but not very enlightening. So I think you are right...maybe I should just be alone for a while. But I am going to be gut honest here, my new friend L. I am in my freaking prime! The last two YEARS of my marriage were sexless. ZERO. Nada. And then I hooked up with the Giver and we were long distance for most of that facade. We only had about 8 weeks where he was here and we had regular sex and it wasn't, well...memorable. In other words, Stella did not get her groove back. But she did get the H and a broken-er heart. But I am not the type of girl who can have meaningless sex. Sport sex. I mean, I want it to be Olympic gold winning sex, but I want it to be monogamous and with a guy I am falling in love with. A guy who has potential to be a life partner, best friend, soul mate. I am not interested in casual. I want depth. Maybe I AM scary. Ok, now I'm rambling... but thanks Lelani. You made me feel better. xo breathe

Hey Canada, Here is a site with an FAQ that will answer some of your questions. http://www.ashastd.org/std-sti/Herpes.html Your doctor should be able to answer your questions and your tests will tell him if you have herpes and if so whether it is hsv-1 or hsv-2. Also, write down your questions before you go, it will help you remember when the time comes. As for rumors, this is personal and private and you don't have to validate anyone's random speculations about your health. You should only share your health status with people you trust. Herpes is a common virus, but it can feel like the end of the world when it's you. Everyone has shame. Ours just happens to be around this virus. All of us here are somewhere along the way to accepting this virus as a part of our lives without allowing it to define us. In other words, you aren't herpes...you have it. Remember that. I'm trying to do the same. ;) Warm hugs, Canada. Read the blog posts and other forum posts for more information and stick around. You're gonna be okay. -breathe

I like that goal. ;) I loved that post on hope...and I see what you mean. It has a dark side. My definition of hope is a sense of positive expectation...hope means I trust that good is on it's way to me. It doesn't depend on circumstances. It's at the core of the life I create regardless of circumstances. It doesn't mean I don't feel pain, or have fears, or doubt...it just means I pass through it with a death grip on the idea that I will be better and stronger on the other side. I know I have to make friends with Herpes. (dang it!) And I have to forgive myself for being a bit of a dingbat...okay, for being human. I have to forgive myself for being human. I am working on these things. I am really good at loving others...myself?...not so much. But I want to be. I deserve it. For the first time...I really do know that. And for me that is huge progress. Thanks so much for creating this healing space, The H_Opp. -breathe p.s. I practice yoga, so my username is what I tell myself when I lay my mat down and wait for class to start. It's my internal mantra. I say it to remind myself to leave the world outside and be present with the work in front of me. I thought it would be a good reminder for me here, too.

So, here's my story, it's probably gonna be long, but I think it will be good for me to write it. I have been carrying it alone for several months now. I am 41 year old mother of two, currently separated from my husband of 19 years. My husband is good man, but we married too young. He was an only child, the apple of his parents' eye and I grew up in a very dysfunctional home where I was neglected and abused. And even though I'd done some work on myself in therapy before we married...our marriage had a messed up dynamic from the beginning. I didn't have a lot of self-confidence despite putting myself through college and graduating with honors. I didn't have a self to give to anyone. I just knew that I wanted to be loved, and I married the first man that loved me enough to ask me. I don't think I ever thought about whether the relationship was right for me, or if he was going to help me become the best version of myself. I just said yes, and the train was in motion. I had moments of doubt and almost backed out, but I went through with the wedding and we made a family. As long as I held it together, anticipated his needs and made his life happy, things were good. I did all the emotional work and helped him be a good father. We had a child on the autism spectrum and I navigated that challenge alone while he retreated in grief. I was the caretaker. The emotional designated driver. And after 19 years I was exhausted. I knew we needed help. And when he refused, it was my decision to separate. We were both miserable...but he did not want the separation. It was the hardest thing I have ever done, to leave. I allowed our children to stay in the family home because I didn't want to disrupt their lives any more than necessary. He made it difficult for me to leave him financially, but I persevered, believing we both deserved something better, and that when you love someone you do it with actions and words. Holding someone hostage with guilt is not love. Enter my long lost ex-love from childhood. He hears thru the grapevine I am separated and begins pursuing me via Facebook. I tell him I am not divorced, just separated and not ready to start a new relationship, but he has always been my kryptonite. And I was so very lonely. So hungry for love and attention. S called me, listened to me sort things out and said all of the things I had longed to hear. He convinced me to come out to where he was for a "break" from all of the stress and give us a chance to get reacquainted. I was able to see his family again and it felt so good to be surrounded by support and encouragement. They were excited to see me back in S's live again, a little too excited now that I look back, and I let myself get carried away with him. He was irresistible to me. He would cry and say how he'd waited for another chance with me and now that it was here he couldn't believe how lucky he was to have it. I returned home and he called me every day. We grew closer. Looking back there were signs I shouldn't have trusted him. But we had known one another since we were both in grade school, and it felt so good to be back in his life. I was lonely and leaned in to his support. A couple of months into things he called to let me know he wanted to move back to my area to be with me. He was going to come here, stay with his sister until he could find work, and be there for me when I needed him. (Of course I ended up helping to support him for a while somehow, but that was a minor detail, right?) He was irresistible to me, feeding me all of the BS about not letting me get away this time, regretting it for the last 20 years, blah blah. I was lonely and love-starved. So I was foolish. I let my guard down. Long story short, out of the blue one day he left. Moved out to his cousin's house in a nearby state. Cut off communication and played like I was dead to him. I was devastated. I tried calling his sisters who were my friends, etc. and even his mom and everyone seemed confused. They all kept saying how he'd spoken so well of me and of his intent for us to eventually marry once my divorce was final. But as the days passed even they stopped taking my calls or when they did they seemed embarrassed to talk to me. I just wanted to know what had happened. Why he left. I was devastated. I was a mess. I couldn't get him to answer my calls or texts... on a phone I was paying for, of course...and it took me a month to finally get the nerve to shut it off. I had to go on anti-depressants and I was barely functioning at work. THEN about 6 weeks after he disappeared I discovered a sore on my girly parts. I go to the doctor and test positive for HSV-1 and HSV-2. About a week later I get a call from the doctor and they reported my pap test was abnormal and they needed to see me as soon as possible. I went in and found out I had also contracted a strain of high-risk HPV and I completely came apart. I called his sister who had been my friend for years, and told her and she called him. She called me back crying saying she was so confused. That he was telling her not to believe me, that I was a pathological liar. She asked me if I could send her some proof because she just didn't know what to believe. I was so traumatized...I sent her my lab reports. I told her I had only been with S. I had been faithful in my marriage and had only slept with two other men before marriage, one of them S because he was my first! I know I will be okay. I am strong. I just can't believe I am here. I have had three partners in my whole life including him. He pushed his way into my life, gave me an incurable virus, compromised my immune system and left me. I have since had to have a cervical biopsy and I will have to closely follow the health of my cervix for cancer prevention with pap tests every 6 months. My divorce will be final soon, but I seriously wonder who will want me. My husband has started counseling, but he no longer wants to reconcile. Even if he did, I am sure the knowledge of my new STD status would be a deal breaker. I know I am more than this virus, but I am scared. I am sad. It took all the courage I had in me to leave my marriage and hope for something better and I feel like Herpes has taken my hope. I am fighting, but it's really hard right now. (Totally unrelated to the H, but....In April I got called in to my boss's office and told my position was being eliminated, so I have been spending the last two months looking for a new job on top of everything else.) There are days when I feel like I am being punished for wanting more, but I know that's not true. I am a very strong woman with a huge heart, and this has definitely been a hit, but I truly believe our greatest challenges are opportunities in disguise and I want to live out that truth. I am here to learn how to love myself with herpes and to use this virus as an opportunity to become a better human being. I don't want to waste time being angry or sad anymore. I want to live in hope. When I was waiting for the results on my HPV biopsy I realized I could be facing cancer AND Herpes. I was so grateful to learn that was not the case. It's all about perspective. I am certain I am here for a reason, and I am grateful for each one of your stories. I have read them, and in doing so found the voice to share mine, too. (And if you've read this whole thing you are amazing! Phew!) here's to making Herpes sexy in 2012, breatheandletgo