J Michelle

I was diagnosed with HSV-2 about 7 months ago and I’m still not okay, not physically, mentally, nor emotionally. The guy that gave it to me ghosted. It’s like he would never deny it but he also wouldn’t own it, even lied and said he was on his way to get tested just to never text or call again. The abandonment sucks but it’s the life time sentence, like you’re a prisoner of your own body. I feel like this virus runs my life now. The outbreaks are literally continuous and I take antiviral medicine daily. The primary stage was so painfully harsh to my body that I barely wanted to live. Working out, which I LOVE to do was a task at best. Dating isn’t even an option for me if ever. The thought of having a child and passing it on to them terrifies me so I feel like motherhood is out and the fact doctors have just become completely casual about finding a cure is simply heartbreaking. Everyone seems to approach the situation with the same mindset; “Oh so many people have it that you’ll be surprised how many people are just like you and living a perfectly normal life.” Normal?!! You think anything about this could ever feel normal?! I literally bounce between rage, sadness and hopelessness within a 48 hour window. I read where FKA Twigs is filing a bodily injury lawsuit against Shia LaBeouf for giving her what I believe to be Herpes as well and I thought, good for her! I even contacted a lawyer who told me that it is indeed possible to file it as an assault if someone intentionally or recklessly gives you an STD. But then I thought, what difference does it make when the damage has been done? There’s no justice on the other side of this but I wish I could find some peace. Every tingle, leg pain, itch, or symptom that brings the raw emotions rushing back is a heavy weight to carry most days. I just hope if nothing else, without a cure, there is comfort. This disease is such a mystery and as an advocate, I won’t stop pushing for the experts to get to the bottom of it. I remember the first time I knew something was off is when my eye was as red as a tomato. This had never happened before. I can recall how bad one of my menstrual cycles was after I had newly contracted it. The level of sickness was insane. True enough, some people may be asymptomatic but a lot of people are just hella neglectful and don’t know their bodies because mine reacted immediately. No one can tell me these strands aren’t getting worse or that age doesn’t play a factor too because as I studied cases, the older a person was, they seemed to display odd symptoms that doctors hadn’t even considered. It’s different for everyone but I hope I find something that soothes the constant discomfort. It’s still a lot to wrap my head and heart around. Praying that we all find healthy ways to cope and reasons to still get out of the bed every morning and be great.