DistressedLady

So delighted to hear this! No one is perfect and it’s a new situation for you both so definitely time to move forward and let the relationship develop. He obviously cares deeply for you. I think sometimes men can struggle with head vs heart and I’m so glad you’re both figuring it out together!

Please don’t feel bad. You left the door wide open for him so don’t feel like ‘you didn’t give him enough time’ because you did. In time you will realize he was not the one for you. My previous boyfriend left me because of it and told me ‘he disapproved of the lifestyle I had led’. I’m a prude who has never had a 1 night stand and who has only been with a few men. He made me feel so dirty and unlovable that I didn’t date for over 10 years. I’m so glad I didn’t end up with him but I was heartbroken at the time. You have HSV2 and that’s it. He either accepts it or not and you’ve already told him how you feel and that you want to be with him. If he doesn’t want the same you need to move on. It won’t be too much for the right person. Let him go. If it’s meant to be he will come back to you. my current partner left me for a few months. I had started to move on and was thinking about dating again and he came back to me saying he was so sorry for how he had behaved and how he had made me feel and he really missed me and wanted to be with me regardless. If this guy has half a brain he won’t let this ruin what you have - but he might. I am so thankful I didn’t end up with my previous partner because I was so desperate to be accepted by him and so fearful about the future I totally missed all the other signs that he was completely wrong for me. And he was so wrong for me (racist, sexist, homophobic etc. a horrible man) but I desperately wanted to be accepted so I knew there was more to me than this. if your partner wants to leave let him. It hurts but it’s not your fault and you really do deserve more than to be made feel less than.

I am truly sorry about your partner. As you said this is something you can’t change about yourself - and it wasn’t your choice to get it. You have done the right thing and been open and honest with him. You can’t make it go away but you can keep your dignity and self worth. You deserve better and are so much more than this pesky annoying cold sore. I think he will realise that in time but you need to heal and do what’s best for you and sitting waiting is not best for you. My partner left me over it too - after 9 months together. It caused a lot of damage but in time I got over it. We got back together and have had our ups and downs but are now together 4 years and closer than ever. Give him space and if he comes back then you can decide what you want to do. If he doesn’t then you deserve better and in time you will see that. Now you are hurt and disappointed- and rightly so. Be gentle on yourself but know that this is something you unfortunately can’t change and you absolutely deserve more from a partner. Think one day at a time for now.

So sorry you are in this situation. I have been there too and it’s very difficult. I waited a week for my partner to ‘think about things’ after I told him. During that time I setup a call with a doctor to discuss the chances of transmission and let him think things over. He said he did want to stay with me but it was about 2 -3 weeks before we had protected sex. We have used condoms (male and female) and I take suppressive medication. In the last few months we have had unprotected sex which now concerns me more than him . Bottom line is no one wants herpes and while I agree with space and time to think - a year is too long for a person to sit around waiting for someone else to decide if they are worth the risk. I think it is unkind of him to do that to you and there ARE other men out there. I’m not saying I don’t respect his dersire to not get it BUT waiting erodes and hurts you by making you feel ‘not good enough or not worth the risk’ and that’s not right. We all deserve to be loved. Like you I got hsv2 from a partner who lied to me. I wouldn’t want to do that to anyone. If someone leaves me because of this then they’re not for me. I would talk to your partner and explain how you feel. If he refuses to be close to you and love you then you can move on knowing you did all you could. I met my partner at 46 - there are lots of good partners out there and you absolutely deserve love and commitment.

Thank you so much for taking the time to send that. You have no idea how good it is to hear that - what a relief. I think I’m so paranoid I have let it grow into this huge big deal to the extent that I’m afraid to enjoy sex in case I get too close and then pass it to him. Your messages are beyond calming and reassuring - you have no idea. Massive congratulations on your second child. What lovely news and what a positive story. THANK YOU!

Thank you for your reply. It has been helpful at calming my overactive paranoid brain so it is very much appreciated. Btw I’m pretty sure the guy who gave it to me knew he had it and just didn’t care. He was cheating on me, gave me hsv2, said he ‘you didnt get nothing from me!’ when I asked him and dumped me. Looking back he had a sore on his penis but I had no idea about stds at the time (26 years ago) and didn’t think you could get one when you were with a boyfriend for a long time. I haven’t spoken to him since and I will never forgive him. But that’s life! thanks again for your kind words and help.

Thank you for your reply - I appreciate it enormously. You hit the nail on the head - I feel like a walking disease and am completely paranoid. I understand the chance is small but I’ve been in the position where I was told ‘you have a 3% chance of x happening’ and it did - so I’m still nervous. I know it doesn’t help the situation but I can’t help it! I was wondering if you can answer these questions? When we have asymptomatic shedding, how long does it last? Is it an hour, a day, a week? Can you be shedding one day but not the next? If someone is exposed to asymptomatic shedding are they guaranteed to get it or can they still avoid it? If they have hsv1 do they have immunity to hsv2 to some degree? I understand you are not a medical expert if you had any thoughts on these I’d really appreciate it.

Hi all I have had HSV2 for approximately 25 years although it wasn’t confirmed until years later. After a horrible rejection I abstained from relationships for about 15 years. I am now in a really happy relationship for about 4 years - on and off but continuously for approximately 18 months. He knows my status and we have been very careful when having sex. I take daily famicyclovir and we have used protection (male and female condoms) each time. Last night we had unprotected sex for the first time. I am taking the anntivirals and have no symptoms but I’m wondering what the chances are that he could have been infected? I love him dearly and couldn’t imagine passing this to him. I feel terribly guilty and feel like I should have protected him more and been strong enough to stop him. We had been drinking wine so we’re definitely less inhibited and while he is adamant it was his decision, I feel I should have protected him and that I let him down. I’m hoping that because it was a one off that we will be ok but can you tell me statistically what the chances are of female to male transmission of hsv2 with antivirals? Also has anyone else had unprotected sex with a long term partner and is it normal to feel so guilty? thank you.

I’m really sorry you are having such a tough time. Can I ask if you have any autoimmune issues as this can impact your immune system and cause outbreaks? I think if your immune system is low there’s more of a chance of an outbreak. I take lots of supplements to help my immune system and also lysine, zinc, vitamin D etc. It seems to help and let’s me feel I’m helping to keep it suppressed which lightens the stress and worry. I hope it settles for you very soon.

Hello I think most of us have been where you are and it’s a horrible place to be. Like you, the person who passed it to me denied having it and blatantly lied about it, but we both know what he did. I will never forgive him as had he been honest and open with me, he could have protected me, but he chose not to do that and I live with the consequences. Re when to disclose, personally I would wait until you knew you wanted to be with him and you were sure that he would be respectful towards you - regardless of whether he would remain with you or not. Unfortunately you may meet people who choose to judge you and leave because of it - and that REALLY hurts, but you will be able to stand tall and know that you did the right thing. There are shitty people out there but there are a lot of kind, compassionate people too. I wouldn’t rush into telling anyone once you are not engaging in sex. You owe them nothing and may find after a few dates that you don’t want a sexual relationship with them anyway. I think the worst thing about having this is the fear of passing it onto someone we love and knowing the difficulties they will face in this situation if the relationship doesn’t work out. I would be so upset if I put my partner in the position where he had to tell someone else and wait for their judgement. It’s a truly horrible place and ruined my confidence completely. That said I can’t change what I have but I can do all I can to protect him from it and the rest is up to him. I would say take your time. Don’t feel pressured into disclosing because they are pushing to have sex. Keep the brakes on until you are sure they will be understanding. At the end of the day, it is only a cold sore in most cases, and all we can do is our best to protect others.

Hi all Im trying to think of ways to reduce the possibility of transmission from a female to male and am wondering if anyone has any thoughts/opinions on these? aside from anti virals - would you think the following might reduce the risk of transmission? female condoms as more of the female is covered? Less skin to skin? im not sure of the technical term but the penis rings as again, they provide another barrier between the skin? Some look quite large? Are there any swabs we can do to tell if we are shedding? Is there anything such as latex undergarments women can wear to protect the partner? Possibly a stretch but wondering if anyone may have any ideas/suggestions? Obviously male condoms don’t offer complete protection. thanks for your thoughts.

Many thanks for the replies @AlliKat12and @Sumshine. He hasn’t acquired it from me as he has been tested, but I know he is afraid that the longer we are together or the more sex we have, the higher the likelihood is. I have purchased the book which I hope will answer some of his questions and maybe we will both be able to relax more. I think it’s the knowledge that it can be passed on even without symptoms that scares him. I understand but am deeply saddened. He is a wonderful man and I feel so sad that because of a cheating ex of mine many years ago we are unable to have the intimacy that we both would like. He knows he needs to accept it as I can’t change it but it is creating distance between us. thanks again for your replies. Really appreciated.

My partner of 2.5 years on and off, admitted last night that he struggles with my diagnosis. I guess this is partly why our sex life is non existent at the moment. I am so upset. I understand he doesn’t want to get it and I do everything to make sure he won’t - i take anti vitals and we use condoms. I got female condoms as I thought they might be safer for him. I just don’t know what else I can do. I feel so hurt and although he says he doesn’t want us to split up and he wants us to stay together and figure things out, I don’t know if we can. I can’t change this about myself and I was struggling to relax with him sexually as it was. I needed reassurance but got the opposite. I feel like I’m not good enough and I don’t know that I could be intimate with him again knowing that he is ‘afraid’ of me. After all this time this still comes up between us. does anyone have any advice? Should I end the relationship as this is something I can’t change? I don’t think he realises how much this hurts me. He said he was trying to be open and honest - which I want but it really hurts!

Hello @GentleLady Thank you for your reply. That is exactly how I feel. I also worry one of us will not be able to continue because of this. I hate living with the worry that I could pass it and also I hate how cumbersome it is to have to stop all foreplay and put on a condom. No such thing as spontaneous sex. It becomes a lot after a while and definitely prevents us being as close/intimate as we would like. Do people just continue using condoms forever or do they get to a point where they risk sex without condoms? I’m taking anti virals and we use condoms but I’d be too afraid to have sex without some barrier. I’d be even more stressed than I am! I guess I just have to accept that this is how it is for us.

Thank you for your reply. It’s a really difficult place to be when you want to be close to your partner but are afraid of passing this to them. The shame and stigma of having it is so awful. I would hate to put another person in this place. I know in the greater scheme of things it’s not the worst BUT it’s still a permanent stain on their ‘clean’ status that you just don’t want to have to live with. I just hope they find a cure or vaccine soon. thanks again.